feel like hell and scared

[hippyhippy]

I am comning down like a dead weight. I start off daYOK and now it is hell. Therapy was crap. I am having al the old anx stuff that I can't deal with. I am supposed to be going away with family tomorrow for long weekend and I am scared outof my skin. No usual people to talk to they are all fed up of me.
I want to my old disappearing malrlarky but I can't. I just cant handle normal life. it would be so much easier to dip out and not be responsible for others happiness but I know I can't. It is easy to see why people think the world would be better off without them. Nowhere to go when I feel like this. Samaritans good and kind but cant when family around.
I will shut up now. just wanted to vent somewhere. sorry it was here.
hippy

[historyteach]

Don't be sorry; that's why we're here.

What do you mean, you're "comming down like a dead weight?"
"daYOK?"
I'm confused, and don't know what you're saying. I'm sorry....

You are NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness. Why do you think you are?

I hope you feel better, but, I want you to know that I just stopped in for a bit, and have to leave. It's Rosh Ha Shannah, and I'm going to Tashlick.
Please know, you are in my prayers.

Shalom!

[51anna]

You are not responsible for other people's happiness and I know how hard family gatherings can be, at any time, especially if you're feeling vulnerable. Try to breathe and remember you need to take care of yourself.

[hippyhippy]

sorry i tend to get less and less coherent.
mistypes thats all. day ok was daYOK.
I start day good and now I feel worse than bad. I sit crying into pc wanting to have guts to stop the misery returning and feel resentful that I can't. I am sorry but there it is. Knowing just doesn't cut anyice. yeah yeah it is all 'symptoms' the shrink tells me. it is my brain kidding me on. I have had enough of it doing this.
I want to look forward to tomorrow but I dread it and if I am honest I hate the fact that no one knows how flaming hard it is for me to take the journey rather than one directly intpo hospital. it is not enough that I do it but i have to be shiny and happy and enjoy the captivity and be a super mum super wife, sober driver and every bloody thing else when I really want to crawl under my duvet and say goodnight. I want to enjoy life again. I can't fully and neither can my family. I hate me for spoiling it all for them. I hate it all being so damned hard.
hippy

[miss communicat]

hippy

I'm sending you positive thoughts through the night......let them surround you until your sad feelings change. They will pass. I promise.

[historyteach]

Hippy,
You can only do what you can do. No more; no less.
Are you helping yourself by taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? If not, can you start to do so? Do one thing each day. It will help.

And YES, I KNOW how difficult it is to do when we are wishing we could put our head under the pillow and escape from the world. And we have to do it anyway. It is our way out from this hell.

If you really need to go to the hospital, do so. Don't let anyone else stop you. But, let it be because you are a danger to yourself or someone else, and no other reason. Because, other than those reasons, you and I, like everyone else who suffers from depression, anxiety, bipolar, and other issues, needs to learn to face life on life's terms. We do so by taking care of ourself first.

We will never make anyone else happy, until we take care of ourself.

I hope you understand that I'm saying these words, that may sound harsh to you right now, out of love. I've been where you are. I understand. You HAVE to get up and begin the process of taking care of yourself, even when you don't feel like you can!
Do one little thing each day.
Success breeds success.
You *can* do it.

And we are here for you...

Shalom!

[historyteach]

Samaritans good and kind but cant when family around.

If you need them, yes, you can!
Even if family is around.
ESPECIALLY if family is around, and they cannot help.

You have a right to be safe. Samaritans are there to help. Call whenever you need them. That's why they are there.

Shalom!

[51anna]

Oh Hippy, don't get caught up in that baloney of being super mom, super wife, super everything. I wish I had known how important it is to be good to yourself. I firmly believed I had to do everything for everyone in the family and have a perfect house and a job too. That was the biggest mistake I made. If you don't nurture yourself, you won't have anything to give. You deserve to be cared for too.

[cece1960]

((((Hippy)))
A wise person once told me "The only person we "owe" is ourselves, the only thing we "have" to do is take another breath"
There are times I need to remember that myself.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
(((Hugs)))
Cece

[shutterbug]

((((Hippy))))

i don't have any words of wisdom, suggestions or anything to offer you right now except to tell you that i am right there with you. I very much KNOW how hard it is to keep doing this day in and day out rather than going straight to hospital. i know.

Right now...my eyes hurt from having cried so hard for so long today...to the point where by body was shaking b/c of not being able to cope with the amount of stress and depression and anxiety. I went all the rest of the day struggling to see through my clouded over contacts....only just getting home a little bit ago and taking them out...but eyes hurt from too much crying.

In the past 2 days, i've told boss and 2 coworkers that i am at a point where i'm either going to end up back in the hospital, end up walking off the job and quitting, or taking my own life.

i can't handle it...
I don't know how...

that all i kept repeating to him over and over in his office today through my tears...see, i know he's my boss, but honestly i know him on a personal comfort level more than any of my co-workers...tho one comes close. And he's the kind of personality who...had he decided to be a therapist...he'd have been a darn good one.

Anyway....i've gotten off topic.

Point is...you are NOT alone in this, your thoughts, your feelings or any of it. I'm right here with you...and i know you can hang in there a little longer...as that's what i keep telling myself to. "Just a little longer. It'll get better. Nothing ever stays the same...things always have to change eventually."

Just survive as best you can right now...don't worry about anyone or anything else....just survive.

((((hugs))))

Jenna

[hippyhippy]

thank you all,

I have had a good sleep and woken feeling less negative. I think I may have a pysical ailment as I have symptoms of a UTI (TMI!) which would of course contribute to my emotional state of mind.

Jenna, I am so sorry you feel bad just now. I would put one of those huggy smiley things if I knew how.((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) best I can do.

I have arranged for my m um to look after the kids for a few hours today before I go. It will give me time to do some shopping and a meditation. I have let my meditations slide as I have always seemed too busy, but they are really important to me for my mental well being.

Teach, Your words did not seem harsh. Sometimes I need challenged or just have pointed out to me what I can't see at that moment in time.

I had a bad therapy yesterday and whilst it is easy to see now how that contributed, I couldn't see it then. When I first started group therapy my occupational health nurse arranged things so that I would not have to work on an evening after the therapy in case I felt bad. I thought that was a bit OTT, but it seems she knew what she was talking about! That is the first time that has happened.

I am better today, down , but not all consuming as it was last night.

Thank you all for your kindness. I will go on this weekend break and try my best. It is all I can do really.

Hippy
xxx

[indigo]

Hippy all sound advice, two of my adult children have bipolar and I too suffer from a mind crippling genetic condition. Tajke time out for yourself, when you're on a low, it's impossible to be there for anyone and really hard to think that you can help you....retreat, be kind to yourself, do anything that helps stops those crazy cycle thoughts. I am holding you off the ground with my most sincere love and positive thoughts for your peace of mind....you are never truly alone.

hugs Annie

[hippyhippy]

Thank you for that annie.

I am feeling a bit better. I am still down but it is not that awful all consuming low that it felt last night. I did a meditation earlier which always helps to take the low or anxious feeling a few steps back.
I am going away for the weekend in the next ten or twenty minutes. I will not have internet access so everyone take care, and thank you for your time and patience.

Hippy
xxx

[shutterbug]

glad to hear you are doing better today Hippy. Glad to hear you are taking a trip for the weekend...although major trips can be very stressful...so i hope this is the "get away and just relax kind" of going away for weekend.

I too am doing better today...still solum (sp?) and quite numb inside, but better.

May we both be happy and sparkly again come Monday.

(((hugs)))
Jenna

p.s. my computer doesn't do those little graphic things either...wish it did tho b/c i'm all the time wanting to give out those cute huggy guys in posts!!! The only one's i can do is the one's i just type and they turn into smiley's when it posts somehow (or on sis's computer on rare occasion).

[Don W]

A friend once told me " We have to pick and choose our battles". Sounds like you're doing what I have done. Trying to fight all the battles, and at the same time. Try to make things simple. You can do that by only trying to do what is humanly possible. The first step? Remind yourself you are only human, and have no super powers. It is good that you are talking about it. Don't worry about who is around. We want you to be around. Also, many of us have been or are where you are. So, don't feel bad about posting whatever you need to post. Don W

[hippyhippy]

Hi,
returned from weekend away and am quite relaxed! It went ok apart from little bits of anx which were fairly short lived.

I am trying to make it clear to my family that I need some time out to de chill each day and that it is essential to my overall health, but getting in the habit of it is difficult.

Hope you are all well.

Hippy
xx

[GailJ]

Welcome back hippy, glad all went well for you

[hippyhippy]

oh eck,
I have been really silly and let hubby see the email sent to samaritans last night. He now knows almost how wacky the inside of my head can be. I didn't want him to know. I have managed to hide worst up til now. He now knows I was looking at suidcide sites and that I think of it lots of time but he doesn't understand that it is an obsession rather than desire. Yet he now knows that I feel it is an inevitability.
I am so scred for letting him ssee. this is really bad. he thinkis I should be in hospital and doesn't believe that I have told shrink all of it.

[meliejv]

Hi Hippy

I am a new member but i wanted to say unless your husband is abusive and not safe, its good that he knows whats going on with you. Now he can be present and support you in the way you need. There isn't a thought in my head that my husband doesn't know about. I couldn't do this without his support. I had a break down a year ago and have been struggling with wanting to kill myself and severe panic attacks. I was completely home bound for about 6 months. I couldn't even stand for the phone to ring. It's taken a year and a new anti depressant but i am starting to feel some what normal again but had it not been for my husbands constant support I would have easily drowned myself in the bath tub. there wasn't a day that passed that i didn't think about it. What I have found in my pits of depression is there is nothing out there in he world that will make it better. You hav muster up an strength you have inside to relief your pain, whether its taking a bath or journaling, whatever works for you. Its a time that calls for us to be our best friend rather than our worst enemy. I have had depression all my life and no matter how bad i feel, I know its not me that i hate, its my depression that i hate. I wish i had found this site sooner. I am blown away by all the love there is. You guys are really good to eachother. Sorry I went on forever

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by hippyhippy

oh eck,
I have been really silly and let hubby see the email sent to samaritans last night. He now knows almost how wacky the inside of my head can be. I didn't want him to know. I have managed to hide worst up til now. He now knows I was looking at suidcide sites and that I think of it lots of time but he doesn't understand that it is an obsession rather than desire. Yet he now knows that I feel it is an inevitability.
I am so scred for letting him ssee. this is really bad. he thinkis I should be in hospital and doesn't believe that I have told shrink all of it.

perhaps him going with you to a therapy session would be a good way for him to feel better and believe you when you tell him you are talking to the therapist about all of this?

I've had a ton of suicidal thoughts lately (worst in about 2 years and maybe the worst ever actually), but i guess I don't really understand when you say "I feel it is an inevitability"?

And really, i know it's hard to let him see this part of you, but if you did ever act on anything it would be MUCH worse for him to have never had any kind of clue about what was going on. Just my 2-cents.

[shutterbug]

Have you always felt it an inevitability? Or is this a more recent feeling?

As much as i truely hate to admit it, especially to myself, I think the time may have come where i really do need to be in the hospital. I feel you may be right here with me and i want you to know that until i admit myself then i am right here with you. And i also want you to know that going into the hospital is NOTHING to be ashamed of! The only reason i fear it is b/c of anxieties surrounding my job and what happened at the last paper i was with after i came back from medical leave. Since i'm the only person who does my job....it always means someone else is brought in to do my job for me. And it's a SUPER scary thing to me when college students come in and do a better job than i do most days. So much of what little self-esteem i have is directly tied to my work. So feeling so totally replacable and so totally lacking in comparison is devistating to me.

It's the exact same reason i have a super hard time taking vacation days....just knowing someone else is sitting at my desk and doing my work better than me is so hard for me to handle.

But....ultimately my life is the most important thing and i am getting to that unfortanatly familiar place in this depressive episode where i seem to lose most hope that things will ever be better or worth the fight.

It's temporary. Intellectually, i know this....but everything else screams that it's just too hard.

My suicidal thoughts and tearful breakdowns are occuring with more frequency and seem stronger too....so i know i'm about to have no choice than to admit myself to a hospital and probably day treatment after that for several weeks or longer. I hate that i have to face such challenges in life like this, but i know i could also have much harder challenges too and am thankful for no major substance addictions b/c in a severe mind altered state from drugs or alcohol....i don't think I'd be able to keep myself from acting on my thoughts at times.

My crying session on the steps of the big event center near midnight last night...and all by myself....had me pushed near to the edge. Actually, all day yesterday i didn't think i would be strong enough to make it to see the event end before breaking down and being forced into the hospital by someone....or some similar scenerio. I was near tears at 1 p.m. and i basically made it until after 11 p.m. without crying in front of anyone! it was a total miracle.

Anyway....lets work through this together. Will you? Let's both agree to keep an eye out for each other....as we both know that it's often too easily for us to justify away how truely bad the things are in our heads that we are thinking....and sometimes it takes someone else (who REALLy understands) pointing out that they are truely worried for us....and then we to stop and sometimes finally allow ourselves to agree that we are truely in a worrisome place.

?

[hippyhippy]

Jenna,

thank you for your kindness. It is very difficult to explain where I am. I get up this morning after a bad nights sleep and trundle into work. I work all day and I am ok, a little anx but ok. I go to collect my kids and still ok but the badness is creeping in. The time here is 5pm...a real signal time for me. It seesm like an eternity til I get to my bed. Between now and bedtime it will follow the usual path. It just weighs more and more heavy as the day goes on.
My suicidal thoughts are strange. I don't want to die. Yet I think abpout suicide all the time. I hate the shrink for giving me 'safe' pills but I am too scared to order any others.
I just get that I feel so so lonely and I resent all that are around me and the thoughts creep in. I am obsessed with what is going to happen in my future. I feel like such a crap parent and my husband seems to be missing no opportunity to reinforce that idea. but he is not wrong, I shout too much, I moan too much, I get on at them too much, I don't do anything with them, but I just find it all so hard. I try and I try and I try to tell him I am feeling bad. I don't cry much, hardly ever but if I did he would understand...but knowing that means I can't.
the ineveitability comes from how I see my life mapped out in front of me.

I can't change my behaviour. I am going to continue to be a **** parent. Yes, ok, my kids love me, but they would love me however. I am damging them by the way I behave, by being irritable and short tempered. I see my kids having terrible probs in their teens and it will be all my fault.

Or, my husband will decide he can't live with me anymore and he will take my girls away from me and the courts will allow him because I am so unstable. This will upset them too and give them problems.

My husband will leave and not take the girls and they will become even more problematic because I will be a really really crap single parent. They will rebel big style and I wil llose the plot even more.

He will carry on living with me and tell me how **** I am, how bad I am, how awful I am. I will carry on getting worse and worse and more and more wacky and more and more lonely.

All of these options seem bad to me. they all seem to be options that make me feel I can't cope with it and would rather be out of it. I know that is selfish but I am selfish to stay. I am damaging them every day I am still here.

So, it is inevitable to me. now or later. I don't see another option. Meds aren't working for me. The shrink doesn't take me seriously.
Hospital, if I thought it would help, I would go. I would go today. But it is not like that in uk. A doc has to send you there. If I tried to admit myself as a voluntary patient, they would send the home care team to look after me but that leaves me in the situation that I can't cope with.

I can't leave them That is not an option, I just can't. I can not see any other way out of this mire that I am sinking in.

Even now, I am sat here at this pc in my usual self obsessed way instead of being with them, but being with them is too hard whilst I have all these crazy thoughts running round and I can't switch them off. I just long for their bedtime so that the thoughts can run and no matter how bad they are, I am not having to be responsible for them at the same time.

I try and I try and I try. I take meds, I go to therapy, I try to talk to hubby, I go to reiki, I read up on BP, I buy crystals to help, I stop drinking alcohol, I up and I up and I up my meds to no avail, I try and try to live a normal life but I feel anything but normal. I tell mental health team my thoughts and I sleep in my car to protect my family but I still get reported to SS for my honesty.
I don't see a way out.

So sorry to be so negative. My life is going a way that I cannot cope with and it is not going to be long before I just can't cope with what it delivers me.

hippy

[meliejv]

I truly feel your doom. All of my life I have lived with the thought that it is inevitable that someday i will off myself. I still do even when I"m not feeling suicidal. I feel like something is going to happen that i just won't be able to take someday. Even when I'm not thingking of killing myself, I'm always thinking life is just too hard. The people around me tell me I'm one of the strongest people they know which I never really got because I never FELT strong but looking back at all of the crisises I hve been through I always plunge forward and keep putting one foot in front of the other, just like you are. I guess what I'm saying is I really understand your pain emotionally and physically. I also am one of those people that just doesn't respond to meds well. I tried meds for 3 years when I got sober and none of them worked. Imagine that 3 years sober and I still want to die and I couldn't medicate anymore with drugs and alcohol. I felt like my purpose here was to be emotionally tortured. After 3 years i finally found serzone which isn't on the market anymore, only the generic brand, but for the first time in my life I realized what it was like to be happy. I cried every day until going on that med and it was one day that i realized I hadn't cried yet that day and that was the first time I felt gratitude. For the next 11 years I knew what bliss was. thats when i realized I AM NOT my depression. Don't give up. Keep trying different meds. You will find something that works for you. In fact there is a new technology called deep brain stimulation that they use for cerebral palsey that they are finding cures dpression so you don't need meds anymore. I am looking into this. Maybe that can be an option for you. There doing it for people who are resistant to meds. I found a university that is doing a trial so you might want to look into that as an option. I hope this helped. I will be praying for you.

[hippyhippy]

thanks for that.
today I just don't know where my head is. I just want it to be tomorrow to see if shrink can help.

Hippy

[shutterbug]

((((((((((((((Hippy))))))))))))))))

Oh dear, oh dear.....i feel so much of what you say. I wish you were here in the US or somewhere else where I knew how to relate to the type of mental health care system available. Surely there is group therapy somewhere in your area? I think NAMI and DBSA are international now....and during my last major episode i paid a couple $1,000 (rather insurance kinda did) for a day treatment program that was 90 percent group therapy. I thought it all nonsense for several weeks and then started seeing a real difference in my survival skills and such.

Have you checked into those 2 groups on the Internet?

Have you thought about or talked with your pdoc about ECT?

You are doing the absolute best you can with everything you have right now! Can hubbs not understand that? Could you possible drag him to some friends and family of bipolar groups where he could hear from OTHERS mouths how truely dibilitating this is to go through for us???

The children...just keep telling them you love them and hug them as often as you can and when you realize you've yelled or something....just talk to them and explain that you are not totally well right now and that you don't mean to yell and that you are sorry for it when you do. Children, much more so than adults can sometimes, can understand people going through difficult things or being "sick". I know i am sick right now and it's no more shameful that if i were sick with a cold or the flu....and, like i said, children can understand this....even young children.

The best thing you can do for them???? Take absolutely the BEST care of yourself right now that you possibly can!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really!

I promise you also, that they would be MUCH worse off as teens and adults if you ever acted on your thoughts of ending it all. They want and need your love and you. Everything else is just extra.

You will get through this....this too shall pass....in the meantime just prepare yourself for it to last as long as it lasts. When it's time....the depression will lift....until then a type of acceptance is necessary. Accept that you can ONLY do what you can do right now. And no amount of WANTING to do something more or better will make it happen. This is just how things are right now and you WILL get better. So ....just try to take it easier on yourself and tell hubby that the last thing you need is to feel any worse about yourself right now. So if he wants you to change and get better....the first thing HE needs to do is to stop adding to it by degrading you and making you feel worse about things and what's going on.

Also....would your pdoc not be willing to admit you to the hospital right now???? I mean, if you are to a point where you are sleeping in the car out of fear of harming yourself or others then i would think that even in the UK that ANY pdoc would find that reason enough for hospital admittance? And who knows what help you might get in the hospital that you may not be currently aware of? AND....also....it would at least give you a few days of MUCH needed rest and time for you to not worry about ANYTHING other than getting yourself better. THAT i think is what you most need....a little time to not have to worry about anyone or the world....just YOU.

((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))),
Jenna