feel like hell and scared

[GailJ]

Hippy it's going to take time for the meds to really work for you, be patient with yourself It will get better. I had a horrible time last week trying to deal with the moving out and what happened to me a few weeks ago. I let the cyling negaive thoughts take over and ended up on a major binge. I think I was punishing myself in a way allowing the binge and I know thats not the way to go. Tommorrow is another day. Tryin to make positive changes. I think once I am in the apartment a lot of things will change for me. Take care. Try to find something positive to dwell on tommorow

[hippyhippy]

Thanks,

well i am just wiling away the time until it is time for my appt. It is 10am here and app is at 11.15.
I know I won't say everythin g so I have typed it up and going to give him the sheet.

Jenna, my hubby is actually a ggod guy but he doesn't get this at all. I don't cry, I don't wail, I don't ask him for help. I dont ask anyone except occassionally mht for help. I keep all of it inside. I don't know any othger way and he doesn't understand how I can be depressed but not cry. When I had PND I cried constantly and he was great, but this is a different type of depression.
He often brings me down about my parenting skills but all he is doing is reinforcing my belief that I am a bad parent. I know how hard it is to live with me. I tried to let him know the other night that I am trying so bloody hard. When I feel the irratation growing from minor niggle to white out rage, I take my meds and retreat to bed. That is so that I DO protect them all. He sees it as me neglecting the kids. I would never ever leave them on their own. If he isnt here and I feel really bad, I use tactics to manage iuntil bedtime. I do think I do the best I can but it isn't really good enough.
He would nt be allowed into my therapy group. It is not only for Bp people, it is for different mental health issues. Taking him to shrink did not really help.
i could tell hubby everything I know about BP, I could give him every single book I have and he would listen and read but he just doesn't believe that is what it is like for me. Even shrink told him that I am not always in control of my mood swings but he doesn't believe it. He thinks I just need to get a grip. If only itr wwere that easy eh? When I start to lose the cool, he thinks I am just being selfish. He can't get it that I am feeling like a volcano about to errupt and at that moment in time I feel dangerous, frightened and very out of control.

I had CBT for my anx and I do use the skills that I leanrnt at that to try to help, but the bad feelings just become too much.

I dont think he will admit me to hospital. there are just not the resources here. He will want tme to be treated with the ho,me team, but I dont want them in my house...so no win there eh?

I am going in a while. I will let you know how i get on.

hippy
x

[GailJ]

Hippy I'm here, I understand so completely, people who don't have mental disorders relly do have a hard time grasping what it's like. I can't count how many fam members and ex friends have said I did it all to myself. Toughen up, get a grip and so forth. You are doing all you can, you know it and we do. Living in uk too. that whole stiff upper lip crap, My mom was british and could be very cold too. Was always unaffectionate and self centred untill her senior years after dad passed. Thats when she finally softened up and for the first time started telling me she loved me for taking care of her. just once in a while it mean't so much. Good luck with p-doc.

[hippyhippy]

Thanks hun,
just a quick post as I got to collect kiddo from school.
App went well. he read my mad sheet and took it all in. He has given me a new med and seeing me thurs.
the med is olanzepine.
Hospital wasn't metioned but the home team were and i said no way.
I will post later.
Hippy

ps...you are so right about the whole stiff upper lip crap. My family are tactile and demonstrative to a point......but talk about FEELINGS!!!!! no way!

Thank you all.
xxx

[shutterbug]

The groups i was talking about him going to in my last post are done by DBSA (depression bipolar support alliance) www.dbsalliance.org they offer free group therapy all over the US and world to bipolars AND groups specifically JUST for "friends and family of bipolars". You might have a harder time finding a group that's really close by to you in the UK, but i'd bet there is one somewhere.

What hubby needs is to hear from OTHER hubs and wifes who have significant others going thru the SAME thing and who once thought about it all like he does now. He needs to hear them talk about how THEY thought their significant others could control it all and how they have learned that bipolars can't....and he needs to hear how they have realized how difficult a struggle it is and ALSO how most people don't work as hard as you are to help manage it as best as you can. You are doing an outstanding job. IT IS GOOD ENOUGH because it is totally and completely the BEST YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW!!!! Actually, you are doing more than you should be!!! The harder you push yourself to more you are depleating yourself and that leaves little to no strength left for your body and mind to heal right now! The harder you push then the more damage you are really doing to your well being.

It is TOTALLY essential that hubby learn this somehow....as it seems he is in a perfect potition to help you survive this. That's the other thing he needs to understand....this is about surviving. You are doing everything you can to just survive right now and yet he hasn't a clue. That only makes the struggle harder.

He needs to understand that what you are going through should be looked at NO different than a person who has cancer and is undergoing chemo-therapy. Why is it that if someone says..."she's battling cancer through chemo" then the world just understands!!! No one would DARE say...."you are neglecting the kids!!!!"

Instead they would say, "Oh honey, i know this is all so hard right now, but we will make it throught this. We will survive and the kids and I are all here for you. You just tell us what you need and how we can help you through this."

That's the unfortunate difference btwn how the world currently views physical illness vs. mental illness. When what the world doesn't understand is that it is just as physcial as most physcial illnesses, but harder because the added mental elements of depressions and everything else. We are fighting on TWO fronts!!!

The world ALSO doesn't understand that there is a large death rate associated with bipolar disorder. I don't know what the death rate is for cancer right now, but researchers put the death rate of bipolar disorder at 20%, or 1 in every 5 of us end our lives!"

Does hubby realize that??? If not then he definetly needs to understand that you are truely FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE!

I can't remember if I suggested the book "A Brilliant Maddness" by Patty Duke to you or not? As I'm thinking that if hubby read about bipolar disorder from the words of a famous actress who has it then it will be harder for him to dismiss it as nonsense? Isn't she originally Brittish also? Anyway, she has earned a lot of respect in the world for being so open about her bipolar disorder and alcholism and her active involvment in the mental health arena.

Just some thoughts....

Hang on as best you can. I have a feeling that hubby will come around eventually...we just have to figure out a way to put it all in languange he can understand and relate to.

(((Hugs)))
Jenna

[hippyhippy]

Thanks for that Jenna,

I have had a quick look but I will look again when my concentration improves.

You did recommend that book and I do have it. I have ben reading it but reached a stop due to my mind being flighty. My plan was, I have highlighted areas that are particular to me, and then once I am fnished, I will get him to read it. I might even let him read your reply!

I felt really quite good earlier but got worked up again. 90% of people put on weight with this nnew med of mine, Olanzapine. I am 2st overweight as it is. I have only just begun to work on that. I won't tolerate more weight gain, I will give up on meds first. I know how crazy that sounds but it is a big deal to me.

Hippy
xx

[meliejv]

Hi ya'll

I realized I should probably introduce myself before adding to threads so I will create a new thread to introduce myself but I wanted to share someting with everyone on this thread. I was on Serzone for 11 years until it became ineffective. For the past year i have been trying to find a med to work for me. I finally became so angry tht i am a slave to a medication that i started doing research for a fix other than meds. I talked with a dr about vagal nerve stimulation and was also considering deep brain stimulation. Well i was surfing the net again last night looking for any alternative to surgery and i found a web site, depressiontreatmentnow.com, basically it does what the vns and dbs do but it is a device that you control on the outside of your body. I called the company this morning asking of this is something used for mild depression or gor someone with major depressive disorder which is what i have along with panic attacks. He said the majority of the patients are depression resistant and people resort to this option when ECT DOESN"T WORK. I now for me I am tired of the pharmacutical co owning my life, not to say meds aren't the right choice for some people, I just can't live this way anymore. There is no risk, there is a money back gaurantee so there really isn't anything to lose. I am definitly going to try this.

Mel

[meliejv]

Ok this is weird, I know I posted here and its not here. Do the powers that be delete a post if they find it inappropriate?

i guess I'll try one more time and if it happens again, I guess i'll know.

I have been researching an alternative treatment for depression other than meds. I have talked with a dr about vagal nerve stimulation and deep brain stimulation. Both are very expensive but I have been considering it. While I was searching the net last night, I came across a website, depressiontreatmentnow.com. Its a device that basically does the same thing as vns and dbs but you control it on the outside of your body rather than having a device put in your chest. I read the testimonial and was blown away. I even called the company this morning and got some good info. Most of the patients who use this device have major depression and anxiety. It is designed for treatment resistant depression. I am definitly going to try this and i wanted to share it with you guys so you can check it out for yourself. It's nice to have options.

Mel

[meliejv]

Alright, i am not crazy, my first post was not there and now it is. I'm confused. Anyway sorry for the double post

Mel

[shutterbug]

lol...no worries Mel! Things have been acting a little goofy around here lately

[hippyhippy]

Been to shrink and he wants me to consider lithium. I said ok but that I want something that helps me to sleep too as sleep deprivation is a big part of my prob I think.
I don't know what to think anymore. I have been on citalopram, fluoxetine, chlorpromazine, mirtrazepine, quetiapine and olanzepine in the period of a year.

I would like to give them all up but I have to agree with him that I need something.

I know it isn't good to rely on something to help me sleep, but I really really feel I need something and the anti psychotics do that.
I have to stay on Olanzepine until Monday and see him again.

I just want to be well, not overly angry ever, to have more mental ability to do day to day things, to be two stone lighter, to be able to sleep all night in my bed.
Not to much to ask for really........is it!
Hippy

[shutterbug]

nope, not too much to ask for. And you are right...severe sleep deprovation alone can mimic bipolar disorder in people with no mental illnesses. So yes....you need sleep....however you can get it. Do the meds for a while and see how it goes...maybe in a month or so you won't need them any more to help you sleep...who knows.

Hang in there...you are worth it.

hugs,
Jenna

[ccgirl]

To Hippy and Shutter and anyone else who's thinking the world would be better off without them. Last year I tried to kill myself.

I would have missed: My littlest girl losing her first tooth
I wouldn't have been there to protect my oldest from bullies
I wouldn't have been there to braid their hair
I would never hear laughter again or feel the sun on my face


There's so much more, but I'm sure you all have things you wouldn't want to miss.

[shutterbug]

wish i had kids...actually the no kids thing is a bit of a trigger for me. I beat myself up constantly for not having gotten to a place where I could have a kid in my life and for all kinds of other things.

But i understand what you mean and know it will benefit Hippy.

thanks

[ccgirl]

How about the wind in your hair, or petting an animal. Shutter, it's OK about not having kids(although I'm not you and can't pretend to know how you fee)

I am happy, thrilled I have two, but you know what? If I hadn't, that would have been OK too. It would have been the way it was supposed to be.

[hippyhippy]

Thanks for your lovely post. CCgirl. I do I do I do appreciate what you are saying.
I get stuck in this downward spiral of thinking though. I love my girls and I want to enjoy life and be a fun mother. It is my guilt about my screaming failures as a mother that makes it all seem so hard.
My life as a mother consists of....getting up in the morning and not wanting to....nagging at them because they haven't done this or they havent done that, taking them to school and hating it cos all the other mothers look smart and I look a mess, they are all well groomed and I have yesterdays clothes on and my hair scraped back cos it is too hard to do otherwise.
I come home and do nothing. I prepare no meal, I tidy up very little. I collect them and hurry home, trying to bypass the park cos it makes me feel uptight. I do nothing with them ,cos I have no attention span and once tea time is over, I want my bed.

I fear my girl having bullies and fear that I will not be able to look after them, I fear them hating me, I fear them growing up and not having friends, I fear them thinking they had a poor excuse as a mother, I fear them growing up and never wanting anything to do with me, I fear them being hurt by boys or men, I fear them getting a bad boyfriend or husband, I fear them feeling like me, I fear them being emotionally damaged by their mother, I fear them not letting me see their children cos they think I am a liability, I could go on for ever the path I fear my future willtake and it feels so real that I think I can't take it.
It takes very little to trigger me into believing this is a foregone conclusion.
I love my children so much I am sure I don't need to explain CC, but it is that love that I feel is likely to tip me over the edge. I want to be here for them always and I know I will damage them if I kill myself, but I feel I am damaging them now by being here. I know none of this is rational, I know how bizarre it sounds.
I wish I could go away until I was better and then come back and say
'here I am, a new and improved model. 100% better than the last one'

Hippy
xxx

[GailJ]

hippy are your kids old enough to understand your ill. I ask because when my kids were old enough I explained to them about anxiety and depression. Once they knew and understood it helped all of us to have a better life a the time. Even just reading to them, or helping them with homework, coloring together, can be quality time. Finding more private parks here you feel more comfortable, like conservation area's. I suggest you pull out your good clothes, wake up early enough to shower, comb, and even put on some makeup for a week before you walk them to school. I guaruntee it will help you feel better and more confident with yourself. Hugs hippy

[meliejv]

You know as I was reading Hippy's post i was thinking the exact thing you said gailj. You are so right. Hippy if your kids know that your you have an illness then maybe they won't think your unhappiness is their fault. Kids are so intuitive and they pick up on everything. My parents were both very depressed and i thought it was my job to make them happy. So I abandoned myself and my needs to take care of them emotionally. Now is it any wonder that any relationship i have including friends, I feel its my duty to solve their problems. Thats the damaging part. Let them know its not their fault and they are not responsible for your feelings. That alone would be a huge freedom for them. And let your inner child pay by coloring with them. I don't know if your recovering or not but in the program they say fake ot til you make it. Meaning even if you don't want to do it, do it anyway.

Hugs
Mel

[hippyhippy]

well, I painted with my eldest today and I have been spending more time with them this weekend.
The reason I don't tell my kids is because I really resented my dads illness as a child. To me it brought misery. I dont want my kids to feel they have to make allowances for me.
Thanks guys for caring.
Hippy

[shutterbug]

I'd be willing to bet there's more to your resentments of your father and his illness than perhaps you are thinking of? I don't know what the illness was, but beyond his illness was he a good man who tried to spend quality time with you growing up and who tried his best to live beyond his illness?

I agree that children tend to take things inward and feel they have caused things that relate to their parents interactions with them. I grew up believing my father didn't spend time with me b/c he had wanted boys, not girls, and that i got yelled at because i had done something wrong or disappointing.

If your children are at a young enough age, then after (or about the same time) that hubby starts understanding your illness....i still think it would be a good thing to explain to the kids. It's not like hiding an heirloom locket in a safety deposit box until they turn 18....this illness is there, at work, affecting you and your lives and just not something so easy to hide forever. The sooner they start learning what's going on...the easier they will understand.

Not to make allowences for you, BUT to not expect you to be superhuman. If you were in a car wreck and legs amputated....the kids would have to accept that just the same. No amount of wanting to walk again would cause new legs to grow....and no amount of hiding why you are struggling now will make it go away either.

You and hubby have the ability to teach your children about ACCEPTANCE of other people's short-comings....be it illness, handicap, lack of education, or whatever. And acceptance: means learning to accept that people who are different are just different. That if the person takes responsibility for their own-comings and does their best to live beyond them.....then they should be commended NOT condemned.

Teach them that some people are better at painting that others, some are better at building, some better with numbers and some who can't do any of those things. Just the same, some mommies get cancer, some live as raging alcholics and addicts, some get burned in fires and disfigured, some have diabetis, some have heart problems, some have AIDS.....and some have mental illnesses (and many have NO mommies at all).

Perhaps this is the perfect time to work with your therapist a little extra on those resentments toward your dad's illness?

If you are ashamed of your illness and the enormous strength you are continuing to put forth just to function day-to-day....the of course your children will resent you....because you are teaching them to through model behavor.

Perhaps your dad was ashamed of his illness too? And didn't realize that he was teaching you to recent him for it simply because of his own inability to even accept it himself??

just thoughts, that's all....

We are all human. If you hold yourself up to impossible perfection...you will ALWAYS fall short. Time to give yourself a hug and a little talk about what is possible and what's a little unrealistic.

Surviving right now...that's realistic.
Being perfect with no flaws and able to be super-mom, super-wife all while battling deep depression....a little unrealistic.

Be gentle with yourself. If i get a cut or anything when around my newphes (almost 4 now) they will IMMEDIATELY want to tend to me and make sure i am alright and not bleeding and if just a scratch they will kiss it to make it feel better and they will be very gentle not to actually touch the sore spot.

Think about treating yourself even just 1/2 as good as kids treat us when we get an 'ouwie". These mental wounds are a million times more painful than a papercut and yet when we are depressed this bad....we can't even be as gentle on ourselves as kids can for a simple papercut.

Just because you're not bleeding....it doesn't mean you're not hurting!

Hugs,
Jenan

[hippyhippy]

Thank you so much for the lovely reply Jenna.

I have talked endlessly about my resentment towards my parents. Maybe it is time to discuss it in group. My therapist tried to get me to once but I wouldn't as there is a dad there who feels dreadful about how he treated his kids. I didn't wantt o make him feel worse.
I won't go on about my childhood. I loved my dad, he has been dead 6 years now. Drinking was the main thing I resented him for. Tempers, depressions inevitably led to drinking. So I resented his illness for making him drink. His illness was anxiety deression, but he was so blooming stereotypical bipolar, I do wonder.....

Maybe you are right, I am sure you are. I think I need to understand it a bit more though.

I am a bit screwed up today....a real want a drink day. Not having one though. Went to shrink. Not a good appt. Got new pills yet again....olanzepine was upsetting my tum.
I dont think the shrink believes I am ill. He said to me me as I walked out of the door today...."you are fine today" I can't explain...it seemed an accusation. I am feeling really wobbly.

Hippy
xx

[shutterbug]

Maybe shrink was trying to lift you up through suggestion? Like...if we keep telling ourselves something over and over...sometimes we can actually change the way we feel about it?

probably not tho...some shrinks are just stupid, some are just human and say stupid things and some just forget how much inner struggles can be masked off to the world. He may have just had a patient in his office right before you who was so bad he had to admit to hospital because he thought they may be seriously in danger of harming themself or others...or was full-out hallucinationg or something. So ...next to that you would probably seem pretty fine and normal.

I'd keep an eye on it tho and if you keep feeling like that from shrink...then...you know what i say....NEXT! lol

(((((hugs)))))

Keep hanging in there. You are doing a great job in light of everything you're going through.

Jenna

[cinderellawkids]

My life as a mother consists of....getting up in the morning and not wanting to....nagging at them because they haven't done this or they havent done that, taking them to school and hating it cos all the other mothers look smart and I look a mess, they are all well groomed and I have yesterdays clothes on and my hair scraped back cos it is too hard to do otherwise.
I come home and do nothing. I prepare no meal, I tidy up very little. I collect them and hurry home, trying to bypass the park cos it makes me feel uptight. I do nothing with them ,cos I have no attention span and once tea time is over, I want my bed.

Sweetie, much of that ois life as a mother even without everything you ahve going on. For years I complained to my docs about being tired fatigued and unable to do things I think other moms do, not enjoying the park, parties, having friends over ect. My docs kept saying you work you have 3 small children its normal, its okay. I knew while what I was experiencing wasnt what every mom deals with I was doing all I could at the time. I also suffer from severe migraines, my kids have known since 18 months old if shades drawn and mom is on couch with a blanket be quiet, by the time the third was born it was easier, they all seemed to ahve a routine when I wasnt well, either mentally and physically. When it comes to sports and parks they go with other kids, yet we have special time, reading coloring doing homework and sometimes just snuggling together watching a movie, sometimes we do that alot.

We cycle where theres other times we are off and running and everywhere and Im playing on the slip and slide with them or some other goofy thing or we are painting and a mess and they know after a big adventure I need my down time. I talk to them I explain how I feel and they all seem to get it and they are young too, (3,6 and 9)

Hang in there Hippy

[hippyhippy]

Thanks for that.
I am often being told I am giving myself a hard time about my pareting. I think the thing with BP is, cos when they are really good they are fantastic, so anything else seems a poor second.
When I am fun I am great to be around. I suppose realistically no kid would want their parent to be like that all the time.
I playefd a flash word game with little un last night and it was so simple but she lovwed it. I let my big un play out til 7.30 instead of 7. I suppose these arethe the this things that matter eh?
Hippy (kids 4 and 9)
xxx

[GailJ]

I am so glad your taking time to spend quality time with your kids, even just a half hour a night can make such a big difference. There is a book by Adele Faber which was basically my communication bible for years on interacting with the kids. It worked wonders It's called "How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk"
How about the getting on nice clothes and putting on makeup, doing up your hair, part before walking them to school ehhhhh. Your taking care of yourself as well as the kids.