Sober just not an option and screaming for help

[GailJ]

A really terrible week and have to reach out for help. Hubby abandoned me again last Sat an when he see's me is screamin and loading the stress on. Even with anxiety meds too much too handle. His bud stole my seroquels, now certain of this and lied to hubs about it. Had to taxi in to get more today. Gettin into the beers too, just want to wash my brain into stupidness for one day. Cryed for the first time in months and hate that I have fallen into the War of the Roses. Just can't leave with nothing again. I have given all into this home and relatonship. To leave means I have nothing. He has left and P-doc hs advised me to change all locks today. I can't do it. Tommorrow will. I hate this, I don't understand why love can't conquer all and I am agaqin alone. He wants me to give up and I am too stubborn to. Sorry just venting and am tranked up and onto third beer. Just need to get it out. Truthfully and honestly to anyone here. I have just had it. It's too much.

[historyteach]

Beers and seroquel are a bad match.
It's no wonder you're crying your eyes out; they are both depressants.
And if you're not careful, you can kill yourself with them.
Please stop - now!
Call someone; get to a meeting if needed. Call a hotline or a friend. But, stop the totally self destructive behavior.

I know how hard it is to leave someone. I left my husband after 24 years. I *do* understand! You need support. Get a counselor. See friends on a regular basis. Do things for yourself. Learn something new. Go to your church, synogogue, or mosque. Make a life for yourself. That's what it comes down to in the end, anyway. You can be pro-active or you can delay, and end up doing it anyway - unless you kill yourself with the booze and the drugs, that is.

I needed to care for myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Doing so set me on the road to good health. It's a blessing after what we do to ourselves.

I wish you all the best. Continue to let us know how you are. We care.

Shalom!

[GailJ]

Thanks for your advice. Religion for me is not an option, Even though I have strong faith in the creator. Also I cam't get to help, meetings and such;
I am terrible surviving without support. Today a sleeping day which in itself is a blessing. I am reaching out here. It is the one place I have and the only place I can go.

[laurenlanai25]

Originally Posted by GailJ

His bud stole my seroquels, now certain of this and lied to hubs about it. Had to taxi in to get more today.

not to be too harsh, but it seems like you are willing to go to any length to get your drugs...so if you wanted outside help you could take the same taxi that takes u to get your drugs.

[GailJ]

Just for your understanding, I live in the country seven miles out of town and was under extream anxiety and "had" to take a taxi in to get the seroqels. I havn't been on them long and I am not going out of my doc's restrictions "to stop taking them abruptly I think would have been even more dangerous. I have PTSD and and extream anxiety which is finally being treated with meds that work well. Thankfully the binges have become much fewer and farther between. I do apoligize however as I was in the midst of a major panic attack from negative stress that day over hubbies weeklong antics and abandnment when I posted that day and those negative thoughts and fears were taking over. I did doube up my seroquels to two a day to sleep through the worst of the the anxiety attacks Friday and Sat, also to keep me away from too much beer. Called my P-doc and truthfully told him what was going on Friday. Sunday I could finally cope with the worst of the anxiety symptoms enough to cut the seoquels back to one at bed and reconciled with hubby and last night needed only half of one tablet. I am fighting hard to recover and not binge to self medicate into numbness. My meds are helping me do both with binging and to live without this anxiety disorder destoying my life. My support is here online.
My anxiety causes me to be agorophobic and clam up especially in group situations. These forums are my groups. The info and resources online are a god send to me and I do use them. Don't worry about sounding too harsh either. I deserved it that day.

[shutterbug]

Gail....i'm guessing you've found the AA type forums here on soberrecovery? If you really want to get sober and stay that way then your best start would be to dive into those forums and write and read (especially during urges). It's not quite the same as a face-to-face meeting, but online support is real and real in benefits also. You can also google AA on the web...i'm sure there is an official website out there. Anywhere actually.

Another great start would be to order one of the "Big Books" from the AA website and read it....actually R-E-A-D it.

No one can get you sober and keep you that way, but yourself. No one can do it for you -- which is why it's so flipp'n hard to do. But, with support and determiniation you can do anything you set our mind to. It doesn't have to happen over night, but pushing toward progress, not perfection.

(((hugs)))
Jenna

[laurie6781]

Actually you can read the AA Big Book on line, here is the link:

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html

And as shutterbug suggested, post and read on the 'Alcoholism' and the 'AA' forums, that will help you a lot.

As teach said alcohol and pysch drugs DO NOT MIX.

Hope this helps a bit.

Love and hugs,

[GailJ]

Thanks I am on the womens soberrecovery more than here and I do have the big book on my favorites link. Still sober six days and counting, Its a start.

[shutterbug]

wonderful! glad to hear keep up the great work! you can do it i know you can. (((((hugs)))))

[Don W]

I can only speak from experence. Nothing worked while I was drinking. I tried every way to get better while drinking. Alcohol is going to work against evry medication, counseling and group. I understand it is hard. However, I don't think we are telling you anything you don't already know. As difficult as it is, you have to draw the line.
I feel you'd be better off sober and starting with nothing than to continue they way you are. After all, if your like me, you'll end up with nothing if, the present situation continues. At least you're seeking help here and that is a start. We're here for you.

[daydream]

ditto what Don said

[GailJ]

I feel you'd be better off sober and starting with nothing than to continue they way you are. After all, if your like me, you'll end up with nothing if, the present situation continues.

Thanks Don W. Unfortunatly I am starting over. I would be better off with nothing than to stay in the stuation I am in now. A big farm and a big house full of loneliness, neglect, constant abandonment and constant rejection just isn't worth it. My efforts to become sober here is thwarted at every turn. I have to face it, for the third time I have to start over with nothing.

Only difference is that this time, I am not running, I am walking out and I still have the security of my job. The anxiety meds are working and I am very greatfull for that. I need them to keep up my strength and sleep ability. It is time I be on my own again. I know it and am facing up to it. I will have a much better chance to being on my own and taking care of my own needs instead of the needs of a life that does not want me here.

I will come online when I can, I am packing and apartment hunting now. I will need you guys here, you trully are the only support and friends I have.

[Lilya]

Hi Gail,

I was wondering about you. Remember: "Even if we fall a thousand times, we have to get up and keep walking". I don´t remember whom I´m quoting, but I heard it once in an AA meeting and it has stayed with me since.

What Don W said is so true. One can try to make drinking work, but it just doesn´t. You will notice how much more able you will be to deal with your new life in sobriety.

I wish you much courage,

Love and light.

[hippyhippy]

gail hunny,
sorry I seem to have been out of the loop here.
Whats happening? You walking out?
Listen hunny, I am here you know it yeah? I will keep on coming in. Sounds like you have a real tough job ahead of you hun. You get through this sunshine and you can get through everything. It may be easier if you only have you to look out for. Yet it isn't easy walking out of a relationship.
The meds do work if you let them hun but try and remember that while the alcohol doesn't stop the meds working, it increases the horrid symptoms of anx and depression (you know I know cos of every time I stumble hun)
You are a great and strong person. All my love and good vibes to you hunny.

please pop in when you can eh?

Hippy
xxx

[GailJ]

Thanks Hippy, Yes I think separating would be the best thing for me to do right now to really get the binging under control. Hubby and I have not slept together in weeks he doesn't understand the ptsd at all and he keeps taking off. I really let him have it in the car as he has been avoiding having to deal with me or be anywhere near me. I walked into town seven miles this morning as he wouldn't drive and I had no cab fare, had to go to the bank cause they froze my credit card and I had to get it straightened out. He felt guilty for letting me walk and drove me home from a friends. I didn't call him my friend did. Had an apartment viewin booked for 5:30 but hubs decided to take u out for supper an timed it so I would miss the appointment. Have another friend who has an apartment opening up Oct and will rent to me cheap. He doesn't fix anything though and I know it wll be in rough shape. Still at least I would be in town and no longer isolated as I am now and could walk to work untill I get my licsence back