Ready to (((scream))) and cry...all at the same time! ARRRG!

[shutterbug]

I'm SO freaking PO'd at the moment it's not funny at all. I HATE the new copy editor at work. Yes...i will think that word too harsh later, but at the moment i hate her. I am physcially feeling inside the emotions of violence and hurt.

I'm going to have to go back into my journal and see if any of my recent mental/emotional struggles have been due to her presence at the paper. She is toxic, co-dependent and has such a huge inferiority complex that she HAS to go out of her way to make herself sound like "the boss" of everyone to make herself feel better.

She is TOO freaking much like the ex boss that if i had my own camera to survive on freelance gigs i would go into work tomorrow and tell our boss that it's either HER or ME!!

Yes....that's how miserable she is making me. Today was just too much to handle. I've been working SUPER hard lately to get fresh and really good images for the daily paper by learning new lighting techniques and streching my brain to do other creative lighting stuff i already know, but rarely take the time for.....and what does she do???!!!! She convinces my boss that they are UNFIT to run in the freaking paper!!

She hasn't even graduated college yet and this is her first REAL paper and yet she's trying to undermine EVERYTHING i do. I can't handle it.

Tonight she said a photo i spent my own off hours taking for an assignment was TOO damn dark to be used. She's been so late getting the paper done every night that boss was helping her layout pages tonight so he was sitting right there when she said it too. And he did nothing, said nothing.

I know i appeared to boss to be reacting like a little baby by my reactions and passive-aggressive way of responding, but short of screamign and cusing at her in front of him ....and then going off on him for not standing up for me....then that was all i could do. just get the hell out of there.

Hell, i put in an 11 hour day today too!!

And one minute she tells me she doesn't need something from me that she will take care of it....and then after i should have already been gone for the day, she tells me "I" miss-understood her and that i need to do it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

i'm not going to be able to put up with her for very long short of snapping or quitting or getting fired.....or all of the above. It just fills my body with too many physical memories of the old paper. Yes...physcial memories....i FEEL in these situations the same way i physically felt back then when i was being torn down to nothing every moment of every day by that ass.

Well....i said it the other day....world the door is open, might as well come in and tear me down now and get it over with. Well....i didn't expect this. damn me.

[shutterbug]

so i'm a little calmer now as i've responded in a couple other threads and putting myself in that frame of mind always helps me be gentler in my own head.

i'm still feeling hurt and very stressed and very, very much afraid what is to happen to me due to going to work everyday in this now toxic envirnment. It's as bad on my health as if i just up and stopped taking all my meds and stopped all my wellness things in my life.

Yes....i'm struggling enough these past few months....that i will surely end up in the hospital if nothing changes with her.

i think i'm just going to have to tell boss....one boss is enough. i'm being over-worked b/c of having too many bosses giving me orders from all directions and we need to figure something out.

[ladyamalthea]

I was getting ready to say, can't you talk to your boss about it? But then I read your second post

Glad you're feeling better. I can relate to that feeling of being underminded at work constantly... it's no fun at all. I hope it gets better!

[historyteach]

I can commiserate with you about your intollerable work situation, ((((Jenna)))).

Be good to yourself.

Shalom!

[shutterbug]

thank you both.

Lady i'm sorry for not commenting on your inferiority complex thread....as i was cursing all the way home from work with that phrase in my head about this copy editor...because she's one who acts overly the opposite to make up for her own internal issues and i just can't handle being barrated....and especially not at the cost of it helping someone else feel better about themselves by treating me that way (regardless if they are aware or not....i barrate myself enough so i'll be damned if i'm going to let anyone else do it to me just so THEY feel better). Sorry, i'm repeating myself as usual.

anwyay, i started to respond in your thread before i wrote out this one, but i was just feeling to sensative. sorry.


(hugs),

p.s. i'm mostly just feeling numb now...gunna go smoke and go to bed....as it seems the rest of the world is asleep too and no one wants to listen to my whine and mop and spit fire. to bed....rest for another day of hell and stress in facing them both.

[historyteach]

In every day, there is always a spark of sunlight.
True, there are days that we have to search for it....sometimes, more than others.
What was your spark of sunlight yesterday, Jenna?

Know that, even when things are difficult, we care...

Shalom!

[splendra]

(((((Jenna)))))

I have found that when I hate someone it usually because they remind me of me...yea I am seeing my reflection. Being that I have hated myself sooooooo much and been soooooooooo cruel to me it is no wonder that when someone holds up the mirror I just go ballistic. If I can stand back from the situation and look on as a innocent bystander I can usually see that I am looking at aspects of myself that I just can't stand.... if.... I am being honest with myself.

What is the solution? How can I be more tolerant? More peaceful? I feel like an expert in my field and I can really resent someone younger and less experienced telling me I am not doing it right... I have a great deal of difficulty filling out a form I am dyslexic and I have beat myself merciless over it. When someone at work comes and puts a form in my face that I have filled out I automatically get defensive even if there is nothing wrong. Once someone wanted to comment on my findings on a matter that I put in down in a form. I jumped to a conclusion thinking they were going to put me down (like I do). All I was doing was showing this person how insecure I am about my work and how I am not willing to take any direction, comments, or constructive criticism.

What I now realize is that we are all learning and growing and that I want someone to be able to approach me at work and make comments that could possibly help me to be better at what I am doing. I have to accept that my way is not always best in all situations. I want my co-workers to trust me but, I have to be approachable if that is going to happen. If I am willing to listen to someone else and hear them out they will listen to me and respect my opinions and see me for the great talent that I can be....

[shutterbug]

thanks Splendra, i see your points and you are right in that some of it is due to me seeing myself in her. But it goes beyond that. In relaying the past 2 days only to my mom just a few minutes ago, i was reminded of her having major issues with me and my work several times a day and saying things like "okay, this has come to a head. We need to talk!" and then her preparing to lecture me after going thru her college book to remind herself of the rules. And you would have thought i had something to deserve her reaction like that so sudden, but the question and answer was simply: her, "is your picture vertical or horizontal? Me, "It's a square" (meaning i had cropped it into more of a square than a rectangle).

And she goes off!

I can do critisism if approached without anger toward me. She could have said, something like: "square images really make laying the page out difficult. Remind me to elaborate a little tomorrow when we aren't already passed deadline."

Fine. no problem. i'm always willing to learn more. i understand college students have things fresh in their mind, but she is constantly creating havoc in my job and i'm not the only one she has been doing it to. I'm just not as strong as the older/veteran reporters and they report directly to boss, so she sees me as the only person she can really boss around herself.

she needs someone to boss. and i'm not going to let her continue tearing me down hour after hour like she does her husband when he call her 20 times a night to ask when she'll be done.

he married her. she can go back to JUST bossing him around...not me i didn't marry her.

[splendra]

When people get on a power trip with me I just let them they will trip themselves up...if I become offended because someone else thinks they need to feel more powerful I will end up being the fool.

I will do what they tell me to do to the best of my ability and get off the ship. Then when their ship sinks I will be standing on the banks going Oh what happened??? Cover your own ass ya know...When the boss asks her why you did this or that it will be because she told you to do it then the boss will deal with it....I can report to the boss too; I did it this way because I was told to do it this way...if this person is over me, I just do what they tell me too do... I may say to them okay I will do it this way but, when you have time I would like to share with you how it could be done differently.

Be peaceful be known for your open minded attitude and you will be sought out to help make things work....nobody can tear my head off if I don't let them and I don't have to tear anyone else's head off either. I am just one of the gears in my work I will get greased if I keep doing my job and don't get too bucked up.

If someone who is over me is younger and less experienced than I am I still need to respect them and their position. If I am having authority problems I am sure I can get my butt fired or end up quitting but, the issue will follow me until I take care of it in me....I have to work I do not like switching jobs. I can free lance if I want to and so can you but, if I am going to work for someone else I need to be at peace with my choice to do so....

[liveweyerd]

Teach was put in a horrid position last year and it wasn't her problem. I admire you, Teach that you were strong enough to see things clearly and fought for justice.

My health is not worth working with terrorists, which is what I see this woman as. Been there, done that, didn't get to keep the shirt.

[shutterbug]

lol....thanks for the smile Tena!!! That is how i feel. Been there, done that....not worth my health, no way!

Splendra, i think i hear you, but here's the difference....i'm way too sensative a person. i can't handle people tearing me down for whatever reason they have for doing it. I won't sit there and put up with it after doing that to myself at the old paper. I love this paper b/c this has been a place where the people are so mature and highly intelligent that i have only had to deal with a similiar person once....and she didn't stick around long (and nothing to do with me either).

things are better today, but i'm still stressed from so much on my plate and my own insecurities about getting everything finished and on time and it being decent work.

First thing today, i went in bosses office and told him i was sorry. "What for," he said. I told him i was sorry for my reactions last night. He said, "Why because (copy editor) was being a B*tch?"

A sigh ...and so much tension released with those words from him. I didn't use it as a slam session about her or anything like that, but instead asked him how i can learn to deal and handle with it better. He had already tuned into how i so greatly been affected by her abusiveness toward me and said the only reason he didn't say or do anything last night was because we were already over deadline and it just wasn't the time for that. He is right.

(funny note was that since he had to lay out a few pages last night to help her....he ended up grabbing the photo of mine that was the one she had been refusing to run saying it was "too dark".....and the funny part being that he had not been aware of what photo she had been talking about when he put it on the page he was working on!!)

Anwyay, boss is a great mediator when he's not grumpy himself. His take on it is that copy editor and I are total opposite personalities. Her being a bull and me being a mouse....and the rest of the newsroom being in the middle of that spectrum and more likely to just flip her off and think nothing more if she treated them that way. I didn't even have to try to explain to him how her constant barrating affects me so deeply. He knew and told me in his suggestions in what i say to her to help her understand. He told me to explain that i know she doesn't mean to upset me but that i'm so sensative that a single hammering can affect me literally for days. He used a word i can't remember at present, but in his use of the word he was saying she was being verbally abusive to me.

He even reminded me of how he hatefully responded to her last night. I hadn't been for sure if he had been smarting off to her or me....so of course i assumed it was to me and quickly forgot about it. But he asked if i remembered him putting her in her place. I felt better when he said this and i hadn't said anything to him about me thinking it was directed at me.

Anyway, boss is a smart cookie and he knows how to smooth things over, but i'm also aware that he is somewhat manipulative in his doing this...and that he makes people think they are not to blame at all...so THEY feel better, but then he truely might not agree with that they weren't too blame. Skillful is probably a better term than manipulative...as i believe it all comes for a good and healthy place.

Anwyay, shortly after talking with boss....copy editor softly stepped up to my desk and coyly asked if i still hated her. I assured her i didn't and asked if she wanted to go smoke. She did. She didn't want to really talk anything over, but was open-minded and said she was overly stressed herself last night...and that she can be super aggressive when stressed. True. She agreed that we are opposite when i told her how overly-sensative i am and she said her problem is that she's rarely sensative at all...and i agree that she has shown little sensativity toward others in any situation...regardless it be myself or anyone else.

I agreed to try and not take things so hard and she would try to be gentler with me.

[splendra]

Oh babe-

Don't look at it like they are tearing you to shreds they are just trying to get what they want and they think you can give it to them. You can give it to them.

I am a sensitive person too but, I am swimming with the sharks so I have to have a tough hide if I am going to get what I want. Sometimes I have to do it the way someone else wants me to. It will make me grow and it will make me stronger to get the job done. Just get the job done babe. I would imagine your job has lots of competition show them you are the best cause I know you are. Even the best has to bend.

Blessed be the flexible for they shall never be bent out of shape....

[shutterbug]

thanks Splendra...i really am glad to see you around here again. where ya been hiding?

Not any competition in my job (only the career itself and among photographers at other papers...as it's often like playing musical chairs as to which photographer can make it into a slot at the biggest and best paper...but i no longer really strive to work at one of the big state papers as overall i've got a pretty good thing going at my current place. For the most part, my current newsroom is the least toxic newsroom in the state that i'm aware of....and if you've ever worked in a newsroom....well that's a huge MOUTHFUL to be able to say about any of them!)

Mostly...i'm in competition with myself. I hold myself up to emensly high standards that just leave me feeling broken even if i do meet one of them...as i tend to wear myself complete in my aspirations, large and small.

Bending is normally one of my strongsuits....just not willing to bend to abusive people and attitiudes. This newsroom is a heavenly place for me and others and i'm not about to let someone bring toxins into it and turn it into something foul...as a newsroom is a high-stress envirnment to begin with so any toxins spread like wildfire. No. i won't have it...i won't let one unhealthy person suck the life and spirit out of this place and neither will the others if she continues.

It is me that has to not accept abusive treatment as no one else is going to do it for me. and in that i will not bend. My bending is what has given her an "in" to begin with....if i was more bullish a personality like the reporters then she would have already known she couldn't get away with treating me like she did the first part of the week.

I have to hold to the fact that no one can wreck my life unless i allow them. She needs things in constant caos....i will not allow her to have it at my expense. And that is what my job is.

She is not the boss. In our newsroom there is only one boss and the rest ...we are all equal colleagues. Even the youngest reporter who started after me and was fresh out of college...he is an equal member of our newsroom. I respect him just the same as i do the other reporters. And even the copy editor who has been with the paper for more than 10 years doesn't treat ANYONE like he is the boss. If he needs something or asks for something i and everyone else respects him as a person and helps with whatever request he has if we can. And same goes for me and all the way around. The only boss is the one who can fire us and that is who i refer to as "boss" in my writings. And even his boss and his bosses' boss (the owner of all the papers across the nation) don't EVER treat anyone with the kind of disreguard and disprespect this new copy editor has treated me with lately.

It's just that unique of a paper to work in....so you can see why i feel so protective over not letting a fresh-out of college, only-been-here-a-few-months editor come in and slather co-dependant, back-stabbing, harmful mucus all over the place to breed and spread. Nope, not gunna happen. nope, nope nope.

[liveweyerd]

I knew that one of your things was perfectionism. That you really strive for great work everytime.

I did that at the last job that did me in.

I would provide too much information and still feel it unfinished. And they were wanting the quick and dirty. Just get her done, thing. And a peer also put himself in the boss position and stirred up trouble. I usually won't even speak up in my own defense but one day I snapped at him that I had bigger fish to fry. And, sure, he called the president of the company immediately. You are smarter than that.

[shutterbug]

Too much of a perfectionist for my own good. (all goes back to teenage years feeling unloved by dad unless i did something spectacular and mom just being much the same except not present even enough for that).

Not smarter Tena...not smarter at all.
Remember when i popped off to my old publisher (my old boss' boss) "I thought you were smarter than that" when i told him what was going on and he said he didn't understand what the problem was. Yeah, my old boss jumped all over that one trying to get the publisher to fire me right then and there for "insabordination".

I just think this new copy editor will either not be around very long or will quickly learn she can't treat people that way if she doesn't want everyone to dislike her. I really think the latter will be the case...as she knows she's found a good place and one that pays more than most papers anyway.

[liveweyerd]

WOW, yeah.....trained to and expected to jump high hoops by dad and constant criticizism by mother.
At 48 I am burnt out. Take your hoops and shove 'em.
I have to get over that, but I don't know when?!

Between you and hubs maybe some day I will learn how to confront things as the two of you do. It was that very trait that really caught my attention with hubs. Neither of you realize it but it has a strong sense of self and sureness.

The cd came today and hubs is way impressed and grateful. He knows about the newspaper business and I think he may call you this weekend if that is okay? He is much more a telephone person than I.

He is funny. He is very loyal to you because you are important to me. He grinned when I told him about your photo and emails. And said wickedly.....the paster will NEVER get that.

[shutterbug]

lol....hubs is welcome to call anytime. i love you as a sister and so i love him as a brother-in-law lol

Confrontation is so hard for me, but in fighting for my job at the old paper so hard anc constantly while also fighting for my life....well, it gave me a little bit more balls. lol. to put it bluntly. And it's like boss says, sometimes when people are big bullies...the best thing you can do is stand up to them or put them in there place. Actually paster was saying the EXACT same thing last week when her and boss were swapping stories about putting a bully in their place and the bully never bothering them again. It's kind of like...once they see you're not so easy to push around then the respect you or lose interest in pushing your buttons. If she meets resistance with me everytime she starts getting witchy then she will learn that if she doesn't want what that brings on her then she'd better learn to respect me and others.

guess i'm kind of a walking contridiction in this issue since i tend to take abuse from loved ones too easily. I really just figure it's all from the past paper experience. And when i worked at that one super hick paper afterwards....when that editor said she wanted to slap me...i walked out without a word. Was gone for an hour and came back to get my stuff. Haven't been back since and won't ever.

guess i figure, family is family, but i'll be damned if people i don't even care for make my life miserable just for a paycheck. Walking out of that hick-ville paper was hard and depressing and frightful, but now i know i can make it if i have to.

Tena...this is our lives, not there's. Let them go cause Hell on their families lives, not mine b/c i don't care enough about them to put up with it. I have no reason to take it other than money and money just isn't worth my sanity and spirit anymore. I know you feel the same. You are stronger than you think.

hugs,
Jenna

[Don W]

You're doing the right thing by doing your screaming here.

[shutterbug]

Thanks Don.

Tena...in thinking on it more, i've become quite intolerant to even friends treating me with disrespect too. I dismissed my best friend and her husband from my life last year when they started taking my free photography of their band gigs for granted and her husband insisted he knew better how to edit the photos. There was more than that tho like them smoking pot in their house when i came to visit (which they hadn't done before as they also had a son in elementary school in the house too...and then she started drinking again and eventually got to doing coke...they just overall started taking me for granted and disrespecting me and the free work i was doing for them was just the last straw as when i pointed out their disrespect they turned viscious toward me instead of appologizing.

And then there's the movie group gang....there was a lot of things i liked about the people in that group, but again...disrespected me and made me feel worthless one time too many. Even the main guy...when i told him why i was upset...he didn't understand. And even tho i still think him personally to be a nice guy...if he can't see how i would be upset by people treating me like dirt then i have no room for him in my life as anything more than a very general acquaintence.

I came close to writing off all the girls from the old paper who had been such dear friends, but time healed my raw emotions of how they responded to me while sick and i've mostly forgiven them and accepted them as being human too. And in fairness to them, their reactions to the sickness in my life was the only disrespect that the 3 out of those 4 have shown me. So i still cherish them as friends, but they are still distant friends i only see a few times a year, but when i do see them i really enjoy being around them. That's the difference. They each have things i admire in them and cherish them for and just the other day i was thinking about how odd it is that all 4 of them are such healthy people. I mean....with so many unhealthy people being the majority of what i've known in my life...it struck me odd to realize the other day how i found 4 really healthy-minded people in such a toxic and degrading place.

Anyway....guess they are on my mind as the one is getting married tomorrow and i will be shooting the wedding and the other 3 will be there in attendence. old horrid boss will be there too (as i just remembered about a few moments ago) but i've had to attend things since where he has been. I think slightly entertaining that he always tries to say hi to me and feels slighted when i don't give him the time of day and then later i hear he mentioned something to someone about it and him not quite understanding why i would choose not to talk to him. not a very bright bulb that one.

Anyway....it'll be a long stressful day at work and then several hours of stressing at the wedding over shooting it perfectly....so long day....long, long, LONG day ahead and i'd much rather stay in bed late and home all day and weekend. darn it.

oh well...best go to sleep now.

Love and hugs to you all. Thanks for listening to me whine a bit....as i still have to do a little whining from time to time

Jenna

[shutterbug]

oh...and almost forgot dismissing my father from my life for the past couple of years or so. Darn it...i'm going to have to see him Sunday too. And he does the same damn thing old slimey boss does in trying to say hi to me. (funny how i seem to have to see them both about the same amount of times each year huh?)

[liveweyerd]

I wrote a long post about how it had become automatic to me to dismiss toxic people from my life.
One of them has really been trying to get hold of me, calling 5 times in the last two days...I have been done with it for almost 4 yrs now.
I don't feel any sense of remorse or loss when I do this.
I, then realized that if either one of the two on my mind had acknowledged and apologized, I would have forgiven...well, I have anyway...but I would not still be cutting them off.

[KatieRose]

I'm always here to listen. Don't forget that, ok?