Man, I am getting triggered on all sides!

[liveweyerd]

Ever since the VA visit Wed, pulling the covers on hub's PTSD, it pulled them on me too. I am having PTSD nightmares (not night terrors, whew!) It has been over 2 years since I have had these. And I want it all to stop! It isn't about one thing but many and it is like the scab is scratched off everything. I HATE it. My mind has blanked this stuff out for a reason, dammit!
I am feeling very threatened by some recovery work going on in another thread that involves family of origin work and inner child etc. I have worked at this in the past and it has left me very upset and depressed. With a therapist in '93.
I have also read that healing from PTSD means that we have to remember the blacked out stuff in order to heal. That is super threatening. I lived thro' it. I want that to be enough.
I can't wait to see p-doc on Wed.
My depression is doing very well, better than in a long, long time and I am doing behavorial therapy on self care and home care that I am liking alot and working it in teeny baby steps.
I never understand when people here call me strong, I feel very fragile.
Geez, hubs and I watched Man in Black last night about Johhny Cash and June Carter. Wonderful movie. It triggered both of us so bad, we had a most miserable night. Great movie, we bought at a pawn shop and we will never watch it again, in fact, we will avoid it like the plague.

So, please understand if I do some side stepping and avoidance around here for the time being.

I need to protect myself. My psyche. As things are popping up all over the place. Mostly in real life. And I have observed myself reacting as if in the past.

Thinking of that title about ....what is it? Walking softly where angels fear to tread?

I really want to stay in the present and out of the past. I pretty much know p-doc agrees, but will bring it up.

Yesterday wrecked hubs, taking ASS to NA, then seeing all those pills in that movie, as hubs went thro' that himself in the 80's. And then with his son. He can't watch anything that has all the drugs in it.
I can't see anyone wrecking themselves over love and divorce and dead children. And when he starts tearing everything up in the hotel room in the movie flashes to me to drunken abuse from exabf, who is near death now in real life and one of my best friends, strangely enough. (Firm boundaries in place).

I do have alot of tools, internet friends, and support. Blessings, all. But I am in retreat to a safe place finding daily serenity.

Fear is my enemy and I am fighting it.

Tena

[shutterbug]

morning dear one,
i don't know why i'm up so early after going to bed so late...

I've mentioned it to others everywhere around here so i know you are familiar, but i really think some guided progressive muscle relaxation would help you and hubs with the PTSD and nightmares. I sure helped me a bunch when i was having the ptsd stuff going on from all the work issues...back when i was constantly shaking and was so easily startled by the slightest noise or bump (even if it was me bumping my foot under a table...i'd jump!)

I have the same CD still that i used and have copies of it i've made. I will go back thru my PMs from you and find your address (if still the same) and mail you a copy today. (hope you have a CD in your bedroom?)

Yeah, i had bought some ptsd books back then but after reading the back cover of one that talked about the book have brought on forgotten flashbacks for at least one reader....i quickly put it down. I don't understand how bringing it all back up helps...unless to desensitize ourselves to those locked away pains. I knew i was such a shell of a person at that time already that there was NO WAY i felt capable of diving into any of that. nope, nope, nope.

You hang in there and let me know if i can help in anyway or if there's anything i can not talk about that might be triggering for you.

((((((hugs)))))))

[liveweyerd]

Your response is a great help, Jenna.

You know how alone we can feel sometimes, when our feelings are bouncing around like mexican jumping beans.

I do Buddhist based meditations, that usually calm me and allow me to clear my head and drop off to sleep enviably easily. Studied that in depth while in Argentina.
Gave away the favorite books, always do, but have one left that I will delve into when ready.
The cd might help hubs?

And you know, I have had my heels dug in for a long time ago, from my first visit to p-doc about going back there into the past.

I had seen a social worker first, who wanted a detailed history, and frankly, when I got done with her prying, I went out and got good and drunk and vowed to never go see her again. It's sadistic!

[KatieRose]

take all the time you need.

[splendra]

((((((liveweyerd)))))))

Take good care dahlin'.

[liveweyerd]

Hey, Jenna, your understanding and response was just what I needed.

So, here is where I am coming from now.

Don't worry that I am going to drink. I am not. LMAO....if it worked I would!

So, here is my rational decision for today....I am neither going to try to escape it nor fight it.
There is no chore or anything else to be done worth shaming myself over or that can't wait until later. Later today, tomorrow. Not going to worry about it.
Been in the mental ward and let's see...if I were in one today, it would have been eating and taking my meds and a short talk therapy (done the talk with you here)
just ate and have taken my meds. Talk therapy in hospital has always been about where are you today, how are you, what are your feelings. Did that, am doing that.
Am caffeine free. Good job on me for that! Yes, they like you to say something good about yourself. Changing the negative self to a more positive self. (That's good enough inner child work, don't ya think?)
My usual escape is sleep. Today it would not be depressive sleep, it would be giving myself some rest and sleep was disturbed last night. Some hospitals allow the naps, many don't. But today it would help me make it through the day. There is every chance in the world that I will wake up bouncy and smiling tomorrow, as my new depression meds are working that way! YAY!
So even if the sleep is an escape, I will allow that today.
Too bad the sheets aren't freshly laundered!
The only thing I want to make sure I get done today is to take the clothes off the line, but I am all ready feeling better and likely after my nap, I will do some loving chores as it helps me feel better also. I AM feeling better now. But still just jittery enough that I do want to be gentle to me.
I will not call anyone today that has ISSUES. In the hospital I chose to be hands off, and that is what I need now. The world will go on without me today. There is no one that I NEED to talk to.
Don't worry, you don't upset me at all. The phone calls put me in voice contact and that is more visceral when those I care about are having problems. Or are dying. Let me just say it. Dying. Or running for crack and lying.
uh-oh......hubs is trying to call his son......running for the bed now. Oh, whew, he didn't answer.
But, yes, I don't want to hear the call.
May not be fair to hubs.....but I know what I need today. And that is what I will be taking care of.
I feel far better than I did with first post.
Tools in action! LOL

[liveweyerd]

Thanks, Katie and Splendra.
It is good not to be alone in group therapy! LOL
hugs!

[shutterbug]

I was going to mention this in my previous post and forgot, but it seems to me that the addicted step-son is doing the most triggering for you right now, but i'm sure i'm stating the obvious. Too close to home and stirring up all that past hurt and worry. Maybe ask hubs to only call him when you are ALREADY asleep....i mean, if he has to even call at all?

[liveweyerd]

Yes, there have been problems since ASS hit town. Of course you are right.
But, no, I am not going to try to control hubby, I have made my boundaries.
I took a nice nap and got some hugs, hubs made pancakes and eggs for early supper.
And I am fine again.
Nasty dreams do tend to linger like a hangover.
Glad to hear you concur that someone else other than me thinks it more harm than good to go back and stir the shyte pot up. Actually I am pretty sure my p-doc agrees also.

[shutterbug]

ummmmm.....pancakes and eggs! yummy, yummy.

[shutterbug]

how are you feeling now?

[liveweyerd]

Really good. All it took was a good sleep to clear the nightmare hangover. Ate well.
Didn't shame myself into chores. Just turned on the tlc to me.

[shutterbug]

Well then you keep that TLC turned up to full power!

[liveweyerd]

I really am finally learning to love myself in new and better ways.
Of course, that is not possible in the midst of deep depression, so again, I guess it is about the new meds.

Yes, researching PTSD....hmmmmm, I found a site, think it was called PTSD sanctuary....but I skimmed through a clinical article that pulls together 60 experts and it totally confirms that my p-doc is doing exactly the right thing with my meds. I need to re-affirm that from time to time...as there is so much controversy over long term xanax use. But this shows that I am receiving optimum treatment.
I never really found the answer regarding blanked memories...still looking, or maybe I overlooked it, it was late, but I do recall a reference to therapy not being triggering. I have forgotten what the "best" talk therapy approach was as I was looking for that one thing, but I came away with the feeling that it is good enough to deal with the coping, functioning in the present....and to be able to understand and put past traumas in past. We do need to learn how they affect us today and our behavior and work on that.
Once again I am amazed at the denial that goes with depression, the shame that goes with it and we deny our depression until we hit bottom. Again.

The med change made such an immediate and huge change almost immediately. It took feeling better to fully understand how bad I was feeling.

It must be tiresome to some as I have been here for so long and continue cycling in and out of it.
Sigh. It's just not all up to me, like a decision or something.
How many times I have wished in some manner for it to be a substance addiction, for it to be about something that I could choose to put down. I know that sounds horrid and it is, but I trust you will know what I mean.
Our common goal here is to get better. But right now it seems akin to hubs' back pain. He can't choose whether today he awakes with a pain level of 5 (managable) or 8 (unmanagable).
We would all choose less pain!
I see no glory in suffering! I think it is Teach that has the saying for that...meant to remember it! so, if you read this Teach, refresh my failing memory?

Geez, I research and research and so often I only find out after the fact....here I have been on SSRI's for years and I just now discover that it is "widely known" (but not by me) that they have a slowing lethargic effect! And how long have I been beating myself up for being lethargic?! EXASPERATION!

But in my p-doc's defense...the SSRIs are the first line of treatment, the meds I am on now are the second line when the first doesn't work.
I was happy enough for the initial break and freedom from depression, I didn't think about or talk about the lethargy...until last visit, when the depression had over taken me again.

And I also think it so common to being gunshy about med changes, most of us have been on that guinea pig wheel enough, that I nearly weep at the idea of going thro' that again.
But I have to be open to change if I want things to get better.
I am also seeing the diagrams (in my head, no, not a hallucination ) from the book Codependent No More where recovery is never a straight forward linear path. I keep wanting that.

oh, backtrack...I understand that the lethargic effect from the SSRI is sometimes desirable in that it addresses anxiety as well. I never understood before how the anti-depression pill was also to treat anxiety. I had read it, but it did not compute.

Anyway, thanking the heavens for Effexor. Jury is still out on the Welbutrin. I need to take it long enough to get past the intial side effects, get to homeostasis. So, I know P-doc and I will keep me holding with meds just as they are right now and wait and see.

Totally chemically dependent. Fine. Let's just be dependent on the ones that work! roll eyes.

Working the very most basic behavorial therapy....but so helpful. Admittedly I struggle, but 'tis better than giving up!

hugs around!

Tena

[dollydo]

Kinda out of my league here, but, I was prescribed Effexor for anxiety attacks. This was several years ago...I didn't do well on them. I was seeing flashes, like fireworks, it was real strange. I took them for 2 weeks and tossed them.

That ended that, I started going to the gym and worked through my anxiety.

Never been depressed, thank god, my ex hubby was depressed for years, it was a struggle for him and me both. Finding the right meds and balancing them was a real challenge.

Live, I sure do agree, I see no glory in sufferng.

[liveweyerd]

Thanks Dolly! You cared enough to read, that speaks for itself!
It's out of my league too! LOL. But it's my life, so I have to learn.

[shutterbug]

Tena...i hadn't fully realized much of what you just wrote either!
I mean, i know that when i went off my Wellbutrin for a couple of weeks that i quickly jumped back on them as fast as possible when i realized my anxiety had gone thru the roof and was heading straight for the moon!!! That's when i realized that i haven't a clue if the Wellies help my depression, but i'm not going off them anytime soon b/c that anti-anxiety affect is just way TOO valuable to do without!!

Until going off them....i had no clue they were helping with any kind of anxiety at all!