Ok....time to accept BP I think...

[hippyhippy]

For thos eof you who have read my posts over the past couple of weeks, you may know I have had problems accepting my diagnoses of BP.
Crunch time has come. I need to accept this and learn. Can I ask you guys to help me on the way?
I have been on a 'high' for the past few days. That is ok when I think I am the life and soul of a non exsistent party, but not when I am getting so angry that I hit my child.
I hate what has happened but it has taken this I think to make me really realise how little control I have, when I have been convincing myself I do. I thought I could deny the BP...I can't can I?
I am not sure what I have posted elsewhere, my mind is a little foggy.
To cut it short, I have had to seek help from emergency mental health services. I have begged them to hospitalise me. I have threatened suicide if they didn't. I am not in hospital....I just needed to take the meds.
The high is still there, I have slept two hours the last two nights. I am buzzing constantly but flighty. I am busy all the time but the house is full of unfinished tasks.
What puzzles me though, is while I was lying in bed not sleeping, and sitting at the pc in early hours of morning...I know I am having a 'high' but I still felt down?

I really need help in getting to grips with this....and my stopping boozing. I fell off wagon last night as a means of trying to control myself. I know the booze increases sedative effect of meds....so hoped it would knock me out. Didn't work....I just felt sick.

I just got back to work after 8 1/2 months. Had to go sick again. I think I am going to lose my job.

I will be a support to others when I am out of this trough. I like people and getting to know them.

Hippy

[historyteach]

(((Hippy)))

We're here to support you all the way.
It does indeed sound like a text-book case of bipolar disorder. The lack of sleep, the buzzing around, the irritation...
If you are feeling down, but, still on a "high" you *may* be experiencing a mixed episode. Here's a piece from RevolutionHealth.com, at http://www.revolutionhealth.com/cond...lar-disorder/:

It's also possible for mania and depression to be present at the same time. In this mixed state, people experience combinations of agitation, disturbances in sleep and appetite, suicidal thoughts and psychosis.

http://www.revolutionhealth.com/cond...ion=section_06
I hope this helps.

Please continue to let us know how it's going. You are not alone; we care....

Shalom!

[shutterbug]

yep...Teach said was i was going to mention about the mixed episodes, but she said it so much better and with helpful links too!!!

I've read that mixed episodes can be the most dangerous for people potentially harming themselves....so take care of yourself please.

I'm glad to hear you are getting closer to acceptance...as that's the first step toward learning to deal, heal and feel better.

Hugs,
Jenna

[hippyhippy]

Hi there,

Jenna, you recommended a book A Brilliant Madness, which I bought. Thank you so much for that recommendation! I am reading it at the moment, and as if it were a college study book, I am underlining and highlighting areas, that seem specific to me.
She says so many things that I identify with and it make=s me think 'wow!'

I won't say them all, but she talks about ruminating about death. I did that ALL the time at the start of this 'bout'
She talks about her behaviour in her teens. I can trace this back to my teens too.

What really struck me though was she spoke of depressions she had had as a 'result' of something. Miscarriage, bereavement. And that she felt it was acceptable to have these.
That again described how this felt for me. I have had at least five MAJOR depressions, all with a 'reason' and this one came out of the blue (well....not quite...it was major work stress that triggered it) I have also had some more minor depressions over the years. Much of my teenage years were spent in depression or me thinking I was life and soul of the party, combined with stereotypical creativity. I used to act, paint, write. Then during the first of my major depressions, I gave them all up. I had a fall out with them, for want of a better way to describe.
I hated my acting, painting and writing for not making it better, for not allowing me to be wonderful for the world. Sounds soft, I know, but that is how I felt. So for 15 years, I didn't act paint or write anymore. When I am majorly depressed, I can't even read as everything I read angers me for being too futile, too pointless.

This time, I am at an advantage. Through therapy I have been encouraged to relax and take time for me, which I have been doing. I found myself buying canvas and paints and taking it up again and producing stuff that I like. This was through this past period of time where I have been experiencing a 'high'

I am levelling out again. My mood feels pretty stable. I am still getting the flashes of anger that are quite scary, but my meds are doping me up and I can't take as many as the shrink wants me to take. I am going to have to build them up.

I am waffling I know, I really just wanted to thank you for the book recommendation!!

Hippy

[cinderellawkids]

The high is still there, I have slept two hours the last two nights. I am buzzing constantly but flighty. I am busy all the time but the house is full of unfinished tasks.

I never read it described like that but that has so been me last week and now Im crashed mentally, still at work, here everyday but not really functioning, no strength ect. At night I lay in bed too tired to move and too much brain activity to sleep.

[PaperDolls]

Sounds like you're making some progress hippy. I would suggest working closely with your doctor and being very honest. You mentioned that you can't take the amount prescribed. I think you should call the doc for a visit about that.

I've not been diagnosed with BP but with Chronic Depression. I've been on so many meds over the last two years trying to get them right. It's not an easy thing and unfortunately often times for the docs, it's trial and error. We all react differently to meds. What might work for me, might not work for you.

hugs to you!

[hippyhippy]

Hi there,

I do have a shrink appt tomorrow paperdoll. He is seeing me weekly just now. We will have to discuss the med situation as I can't go on as I am.
I am just so so close to anger all the time. I don't mean that there is an anger simmering away and it takes a little fuel to make it blow up. I am going from calm, cool, chilled to major explosion in seconds.It really is scaring me. Then what happens is that I feel really really bad and guilty and remorseful. I then believe this world would be better off with out me, then I feel ok again and convince myself I can make it right, then lose the plot again. I can't stand it.

The book 'A Brilliant Madness' is the most I am getting in the way of help just now as it helping to convince me it is because of an illness I am like this, but it is hard to hold on to that reality every time I lose the plot again.

I feel so close to something big and bad. Does anyone relate to this? It is like a constant battle with myself and I am worried about what part of me is going to win.
Last night, I wanted to disappear, take off to a remote part of the country alone and tell no one, but I had to convince myself it would be the wrong thing to do for my kids. Yet, every time I lose the cool and scream at them again, the closer I feel to disappearing or topping myself. Sorry to be blunt, I am just so scared at where I am headed. It feels like there is an inevitability to this.

Hippy

[GailJ]

Hippy thanks for directing me to your thead hear. Does sound as if you are having probs with your meds and throwing them out and trying to go cold turkey really messes with your brain chemistry, add alcohol andyou know how it turns out. It's so hard to accept having a mental illness but yet when you trully accept it then you will go such a long way. The meds will take time to adjust to your unique individuality and the therapy will help a great deal over time. Be patient with yourself and the docs, the brains makeup is so immensely complex and minute quantities of imbalance can really through your thoughs off kilter and into strange places with resulting behaviours.
I don't believe you need to be locked up, but you do need support to help you through it. Hopefully you have that at home. And you know we're here to.

[hippyhippy]

I did what I didn't want to do. I disappeared.

Fri my rage kept on growing and growing until I could see no reason to anything. It topped it that my husband was late home when he knew I was struggling.
When he got home, I got him out of the room in the guise of saying goodnight to little un. I then left home and drove for hundreds of miles round the country. I slept in a car park on and off for 4 hours then got up and started driving again. I had another nap in a lay by, then drove again. On my drive I was screaming at myself in anger....anger at me and the world. I was crying with bitterness for hurts long forgotten and laughing at scenarios I planned to act out.
Towrds the end of this time, I became paranoid someone was watching me and got myself really spooked. Then I heard noises coming from the passenger seat in my car.

What is with the noises? It was so weird. It sounded like a radio being played at low volume. I cut off all the noise I could in case it was me misinterpreting, but no, ot was still there. Then I would hear my mobile phone ringing and it wasn't or I could hear my kids talking but not so that I could make out what they were saying. Or I would hear them laughing. I wasn't scared really....a bit spooked but hard to explain.

Does this mean I am now schizophrenic too? Is this part of BP? Was it maybe extreme tiredness?

Hippy
xx

ps thanks for your support gail hunny.
xx

[nandm]

I am glad you have accepted the diagnosis. It is a good step forward with your life. There is life after a diagnosis of bipolar. It can be well managed for a lot of people once the medications have been adjusted for the individual. I had to go through several medication changes in the first two years of my diagnosis. I am now currently stable with my meds.

I can totally relate to being wired yet depressed. I have bipolar type II and as it usually has a hard to treat depression associate with it I am not surprised by it. As far as not sleeping. I have difficulty sleeping myself. I have given up on trying to lay down before I am exhausted enough to fall asleep. I usually wind up going to sleep between 2 and 3 am then wake up a few times but still am able to fall back to sleep fairly quickly then wake up around 8 or 9 am. I do have several times each month that I only sleep about 2 or 3 hours a night but I think it is related more to my hormone levels than my bipolar disease as it seems to cycle around my menstural cycle. I have learned to live with this sleep difficulty after having gone through a sleep study that made sure I was not having periods of apnea that were creating my difficulties sleeping. I do see my prescriber on a regular basis to ensure my meds are doing their job.

Hang in their with not drinking while your meds are being adjusted for you. It is much harder to get stabilized with the medications if you are drinking. I had to rely on AA to stop my drinking but I do not know your situation, you may be able to do it yourself. I do find the support group that I have developed in AA very benefitial to me in maintaning sobriety.

Glad you are posting here.

[GailJ]

I don't think it means your scitso, my ex experiences similar states and it was explained to me by his p-doc that when that type of thing happens you are enterng into a hypermanic state. It can last anywhere from an hour to days at a time. Basically your brain is moving much faster than normal and this will cause the paranoia and delusional sights and sounds. You definately need to review your meds and tell your p-doc what happened. I beleive lithium is one of the medications that combat manic episodes but not positive. I'm remembering from twenty years ago.
My hopes are with you.

[hippyhippy]

Thanks folks,

I have had a really traumatic week in one way or another. I told you about me driving off, the voices etc etc.
I get back home, ready to knuckle down, take the meds and behave myself.....then I get a phone call from the emergency care team. They reported me to social services!
Caused a huge huge problem with me and my hubby. He blames me for everything in life anyway...so hey...why not one more thing!
SS came and she was very nice and said she was almost 100% certain that case would be closed immediately as it was apparent to her that my children were not at risk and I was just going through a tough time. However, we have not had confirmation call as she is now off sick!
Saw shrink today, I have to continue with med as it is and increase if I feel the need/. He agrees that I don't need to take it during the day. One big dose at bedtime is fine.
He explained the voices are normal in a manic state, something to do with too much dopamine in the brain. He also explained the flashing lights I get in my head at bedtime as the same thing.
I asked if I had been having 'mixed episodes' and he said it is possible or a very rapid cycle.
I asked why I don't 'fit' in to any of the descriptions. ie bpI or BP II, he said hardly anyone does fit into one neatly and the new way of looking at it is as being on a spectrum.

Hippy

[PaperDolls]

(((hippy)))

A book I love about BP is called "Why am I still Depressed?". I can't remember the author's name for sure, I think his last name is Phelps. It really helped me understand BP better and it explains how none of us fit perfectly for our diagnosis. That's part of why it's hard to diagnosis this stuff.

[PaperDolls]

here's a link to the book
http://www.amazon.com/Depressed-Reco.../dp/0071462376

The author is Jim Phelps.

[hippyhippy]

Thanks for that paper dolls.
I am at the moment reading two books.
A brilliant madness by Patty Duke
and
An unquiet mind by kay redfield jamieson.
But another one from another perspective would be good, especially if it is someone who like me doesn't 'fit' into a category.
Reading has been the most help I have had during this scary time.
Hippy

[GailJ]

Glad to see your doing so well. Wish I could say the same. Three days off stress anxiety sick before the long weekend and all tranked up. War of the roses here at home. Drinking on top of it. Only two. Hubby has once again abandoned me a week now. Stole me sleeping pills so had to tell doc and taxi in to get more. A crying day and sleeping day. Tommorrow on advice of p-doc changing all the locks on doors and gates. Cha ching, there are five entrances and four gates to chain and lock.
Just in la la land with thoughts and dreams. So much stress but at least safe from harm.

[hippyhippy]

Gail hun,
I am so sorry things are not going well for you. It does sound as though you have a very tempestuous relationship with hubby. I can only imagine the stress of being abandoned on a regular basis and scenarios such as him pinching your meds, that is just so not on hun.
Thanks for thinking I am doing well. I hope I am and hope that it is not just a calm before or after a storm. But if it is, well, hey apply the live one day at a time can apply to my mental health as well as not drinking eh?
You know you can pm me if you want to get things off your chest hun. I could suggest msn but I am hardly ever on it and our time difference is a bit much.
Got to go to work today....dreading it. I fell out with the boss the last time I was there as I kept on doing 'silly' things thinking I was hilariously funny...ooh er! Its not easy to tell you are on a high is it? When I was I just thought I WAS happy, or angry or silly. It is not until it is over I am able to look back and say 'heck' did I do that? Is that peoples experiences with highs??

Hippy

[GailJ]

So glad to here your still in the right direction. Being totally honest with doc and such. n day eight of abandonment even though he is still here. Lots of places to hide on our 16 acres. Can see him roaming about though the laundry room window. Another calm before the storm. I am sure it's coming today later or tommorrow. I really hate that he has so many friends and I have none to back me up here. yet it is what it is and I have to cope. At least doc and work knows I gues thats a tart anyway. Changing all the locks is going to be really hard. He's watching and it is the weekend. Thank god and the docs I have meds keeping me relativly stable Luv ya and thanks for being here.

[Don W]

Hi Hippy, I've been reading your posts. I hope you are doing well today. Accepting ones position I feel is needed for recovery. Now that I've stopped fighting and stopped spending my energy trying to find out why, I've changed to why not feel better. In my case accepting PTSD and Alcoholism gave me a sense of relief. Sounds to me you're a very caring person. Direct some of that to yourself.

[hippyhippy]

thanks folks.

Gail hunny, you really do sound like you have the most bizarre of relationships. Sorry to say hun, I am totally honest if nothing else. If I offend you, please tell me. I will try and put it down to my Britishness (if only to look for an excuse!) I worry about you, I really do. I worry about what your 'storm' is, after the calm. Please keep on coming in if you can to let me know how you are.

Don, thank you. I agree acceptance is key to recovery. My problem is, that I tend to accept it for a while then convince myself I have made it up! I don't know why I do this, apparently lots of people with BP do? It is easier to accept when feeling fit and healthy though isn't it, cos it is nothing bad to accept.
Thanks for saying I sound caring, thats a really nice thing to be told. I do try to practice a bit of self care until the demon self loathing comes along!

Hippy

[Don W]

Join the club. I fade in and out also. The good news? The longer you stay with it the long the distance between bad time.

[GailJ]

Much better hippy, did have a binge on Thurs. Still kicking myself for it. It can be really bizarre here at times you are right. Hubby panicks too and is a hider when he does, his post traumatic instincts from childhood abuse. He didn't go far. Slept in the motor home for the week, parked in the driveway. Will try to explain it further maybe in a new thread or a pm. I was definately panick attacking tues through thursday, caved to the binge regretably thurs night, spent Fri, Sat, Sleeping, Made up with hubby got back on my feet Sunday and back to work today.
Very embarrassed about caving to the anxiey and the binge. May lay low for a while. But I will support when I can.

[hippyhippy]

Hi folks,
gave in to the want and had 2 glasses of wine last night. So sobriety starts from today. I am going to try my best not to give myself a hard time and just start from today.

Someone suggested to me that I could have BPD????? This was because I occassionally self harm in as much as I hit things in temper with the express need to hurt myself. Am I at 36 not too old for this?

Sounds like your hubby has a lot to contend with too hun? I hope you can both get out of this togther, helping each other along the way.
Don't be embarrassed about the anx and binge hun. We are but human and as such, we have our blips.
Today is a new day ok? (((((gail)))))

Hippy
xx

[shutterbug]

Hi Hippy, so sorry i have been MIA from your thread. Sounds like you've gone through a lot in just the past two weeks, to say the least!!

Goodness gracious. When it rains it pours doesn't it!

I'm glad you are enjoying the book "A Brilliant Madness". It was the first book i read and it did the same for me in helping me connect the dots of how the bipolar had been affecting my life and i hadn't even known all those years. Plus, with it being co-written by her it gives the sense of 'knowing' someone who's been thru it and feels the same...and with it being a celebrity then it also took away much of the stigma emotions i had too. (and i really enjoyed reading the creativity connection chapter since that really touched home with me).

LOL about the highlighting it like a college book i did the same thing! I even had to buy myself some little sticker arrows that work to tab pages....my copy is FULL of those little tabs sticking out everywhere!

I also have "Unquiet Mind" but found it not to be as easy a read so i have yet to finish it. lol. I always hated reading until reading "A Brilliant Madness". That book sparked in me a desire to learn about this illness affecting my life and it was the first time in years that i couldn't wait to pick it back up everytime i had to put it down and that i actually read an entire book from front to back. lol. Now....just a few years later, i have 6 bookcases full of non-ficition books!!

During this last major depression...reading was all i had. i couldn't fight the depression/illness any more than i already was, so i used the weeks and months spent in bed to learn how to fight it in the future...and am still learning.

Doc is right about the paranoia and voices....it goes along with the bipolar for some. I had thought it most associated with bipolar II, but i'm not sure as you seem to be more to the bipolar I side, to me anyway.

I'm curious....you said you've had 5 major depressions right? Do you by chance remember about how long each lasted and how much time there was inbetween each of them?

The BPD....this is one i'm unsure of about myself even as of late. I had thought the main difference in BPD (from bipolar disorder) was an aspect of narcasism, but recently i haven't been able to find any reference to that, which was the whole reason i dismissed it as a possibility for my diagnosis. Now, it is on my radar again as something i need to learn more about. I also self injure daily and a couple times a year i have the temper tantrums/rages....and i'm 31. The first of the tantrums/rages i can remember were usually set off by what felt like deep emotional hurts....as in not feeling loved or feeling i was good enough or whatever. I remember at least a couple in late highschool/early college years where i would rage over not being able to find anything in my closet to wear that day. Sounds trivial and stupid, i know, but it was about me trying desperately to please people and have people like me and not feeling loved by anyone...and hating myself and my body. I would exhaust myself trying on different outfits and when running out of time and needing to leave and STILL not having picked out anything or having already tried everything on.....the rage would strike. I would throw the clothes around the room, cry uncontrollably, kick laundry baskets, beat my fists into the bed. Same thing happened freshman year in college when a boyfriend left me and did it with a note when i had told him long before that to please never do that, leave without saying goodbye if he ever decided he didn't want to be with me...as the boyfriend just before him had done that same thing and moved out of state. That to me said...."you aren't worth even so much as a goodbye from me and a reason....you are nothing."

So yeah, the rages are emotionally triggered for me.

Anyway, I'm glad you didn't stay gone very long from your family. And just know this...that once you find the right med combo for you and get leveled out then the alchol issues will be easier to handle...as it's been your self-medicating tool up until now.

((((hugs)))))
jenna

[QU31]

Jenna,

I thought of something recently...maybe this is where you made the association between BPD and narcissism. There is a book called The Narcissistic/Bordeline Couple.

Here is the link to Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-B.../dp/0876306342

Apparently, these two types compliment each other and tend to hook up a lot.