Boarderline Personality/Depression Journal I

[igetallnumb]

Hello everyone...

All I ever wanted was for people to understand me..

I saw shutter bug does this so I am taking a stab at it. Im Jennifer an addict and a self mutilator. I suffer from Borderline Personality, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder with Suicidal Ideation.

Today was a weird day . As usual. I sat home watching TV and listening to music. Everytime a certain song would play, I would think of him. I would cry, then shake, then my body just went cold and I knew I wanted to hurt something. When I think of him and how far apart he is from and after 3 years of trying to understand the distance it still hurts. I wanted to cut so bad. I took some breaths and thought about his voice. That sweet innocent voice telling me he loves me. I calmed down for a moment. While posting on here I felt a sense of overwhelming sadness. The feelings were coming back. And hit hard.

I got and paced for a second then deciding to tell people on SR how I was feeling. Waiting for a response I felt worse. I felt liek nothing, worthless, a horrible person just a complete failure.

I went to the bathroom and shut the door. I saw the blade almost mocking me. My muscles were twitching as I was fending to grab the blade and take control of my situation. But again, I thought of him. And stopped. I came back to my laptop and posted a little bit more , finally taking out my guitar and playing for hours also tried to eat dinner.

I came back on to see what was going here. I might go outside and smoke a cigarette or 2 I need out of this craphole I call a house. Im trying to call him but his phone doesnt have any reception. God I need him right now, its killing me. If I could only get high I wouldnt mind having to wait till his phone gets better to call him.

I can tell you this, my depression is back , I want to cut and Im fending for pills. I am in for rough days. I wont pretend Im ok anymore.

Im not okay .... trust me.

Jennifer

[shutterbug]

hi sweetie....i'm going to go out for a smoke myself and then i'm coming back to respond to your wonderful new journal. k. hang in there.

p.s. I've only cut once, but i've self mutilated since before junior high...i'll explain when i come back.

((((HUGS))))

[nobody]

You were the first person on this site to reach out to me, and I'd like to return the favor. We struggle with different addictions and different demons, but we share many things. Sadly, I understand how much you are suffering, and I wish I could ease your pain. I know how low and scared you feel, I share that too... but I also want to share hope. I was all alone, and you were the first to correct me - you were there. I am here. Everyone is here - even if not writing at this moment. You are cared for, you're accepted and seen here. We hear you. We want you to try and write through your pain and anxiety, and not bodily harm yourself right now, hang on and believe that with every surge, there will be a stillness to follow as the wave passes. We cannot stop the tide, but we can learn to brace ourselves and just hold on. I am thinking of you and hoping you find calmer waters soon.
Your friend,
-Nobody

[shutterbug]

suggestion: whenever you feel like cutting or super depressed or anything else...come here and write about what you are feeling.

the reason we self-injure is for relief. how hurting ourselves brings relief i have yet to figure out, but oddly enough it does. what i've found through my own journaling is that it also brings relief! when i write about the awful things going on inside it releases their hold on me little by little. If i'm going to have these awful things rolling around in my head all day...i might as well open a door to allow some of them out instead of doing nothing and keeping them all bottled up.

Depression journaling is beneficial in more ways than i can describe, but it's basically like having someone to talk things out with at anytime, day or night, and like getting free therapy to boot! I mean, every week when i see my therapist....i do most of the talking anyway, right!

anyway, i can feel so much in your words and i fear that you are young which hurts my heart more to see you struggling so. do you mind if i ask your age?

Also...are you on any anti-depressants or non-addictive anxiety meds?

[shutterbug]

right now i'm wondering if perhaps you are trying to do too much all at once? While I'm not advocating using drugs or harming yourself....i also know how difficult it can be to just LIVE when in a major depression. I hope you have lots of support systems in place like a therapist, psychiatrist, general doc, addition support group, etc.

No one should have to do this alone...and there are people who would be glad to be a support for you if you feel you can let them.

As for my form of self-injury...i feel it more shameful to talk about or acknowledge than my mental illness (bipolar/major depressive disorder). I have yet to open up completely to anyone, even here where i'm a waterfall of openness. I use my fingernails as my 'blades'. From the time i wake, till the time i go to sleep, it's a constant in my daily life. i scratch and claw and pick until i bleed sometimes. mainly around my face, scalp and neck, but also arms, chest....well....everywhere i can scratch or pick. when i'm super depressed or stressed...i can stand at the mirror literally for hours in an SI session. needless to say....it only takes more from my almost non-existant self-esteem. Granted, I can't die from tearing my skin to shreds as i do everyday.

I think concentrating on dealing with the SI first would be most beneficial, but talking to a doctor who's worked with hundreds of patients dealing with multiple issues would be the best idea...in my opinion. As they would know the safest and most affective types of treatment options to help you succeed in moving closer to being happy and healthy again.

Hugs,
Jenna

[igetallnumb]

Thank you so much guys

(((nobody))) your post brought me to tears

And (((jenna))) im so glad we met thank you for sharing with me your SI.

I will keep journaling my first time doing it and it feels good to let this stuff out. As for your questions Jenna.... I am 26 and I am on Lithium at the mo. I was on Zoloft, Buspar, Welbutrin XL, Prozac, none of em worked.

[igetallnumb]

Today I woke up at 10 ish ... mornings are always bad. I look in the mirror in my bathroom and just feel disgusted. I hate myself. I look at my face and see some ugly witch staring back at me. I took a shower and while I was in there I just kept looking at myself. More disgust....

I picked up a razor and I did it.... I couldnt help it.... sliced my thigh.... I felt a rush and then a sense of calm.... Afterwards when I realized what I did I cried because I felt weak. Then I did it again. Finally I felt some control. Both on my thighs... matching cuts about 4 inches long.

I got out of the shower after I cleaned up the wound and got dressed... when I put my pants on the sting of the cut rubbing against the fabric felt good... a reminder I have control today. I ate whatever food I could make and sat down. At first I felt bad for doing it. But then I felt like I was quitting too much crap at once. I need something to keep me from leaping off a bridge. It was either this or use. So I choose to SI.

Sitting there I started shaking ... my mind wanted me to cut some more... my hands started to shake... I wanted that blade so bad I would sell my soul to hold it. It had been so long since I felt this release... to make my outer body and my inner body match. I felt destroyed on the inside I want to look that way on the outside too. Feeling like a balloon ready to pop I got up headed for the bathroom again. By that time the sound of my mother screaming and the chaos that is everyday living in this pit was enough to just SI all ****ing day.

I went it there and shut the door..... I slid down the tiled wall... and sat there. Blade in hand. I tried channeling something to make it stop but there was nothing to hold onto... I had to. Si I did .... bargaining to myself all I need is to do it once more then I will feel better... afterwards I walked out...and sat down again turning my laptop on...

Its 3:20 pm and im here... my day is not over...

[liveweyerd]

I will read your journal and listen. I also keep an online journal and find it far more helpful than me just writing it on paper. I have major depression, that will always have to be treated and anxiety which must be treated as well and PTSD. I thought that since I have remarried and feel safe that the PTSD was a non issue...but then I read that all the things I have blacked out need to be remembered and processed.
I SO do not want to do that. My heels are just dug in. I lived through it and that is enough, I think my mind blanked it out for a reason. I have known enough pain, I am just not willing to drag myself through it again.
I do not understand addiction really, nor SI....but lo and behold Jenna does!

But it take alot of courage to open up and say I AM NOT OKAY. And with that it helps to get to know others here and let us know you and we can help support each other.

[igetallnumb]

Thank you so much ... I hide too....I hide from alot... I pick and choose what to let out ...

There is just so much and Im sure you relate.... there are memories that I dont quite remember but when I start to remember ......
I get so freaked out I dismiss it like it was never there y'know?

I think I know what these repressed memories are.... and if they are what I think they are........I choose to let em stay repressed....


I got too much right now to think about then to add more to the mix

I follow your story and your a brave woman

[igetallnumb]

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh his phone is off again ... god his phone company is pathetic. Why is it everytime I need him fate has to smack me in the mouth and say "ha ha screw you jen" Sitting here house is calm right now parents are in the next room watching TV and brother is at work. I got my Zen on listening to Nirvana.
Oh the days I used to sit and listen to this stoned out of my mind. This band is the defintion to my own life. I relate to every song.... I used to SI to this song in the background.

Nirvana + drugs + SI + crying = Jennifers normal day

I havent really thought about my SI today.... I did it.... whatever. To me its just another fail. Failure... thats a word Ive heard too many times. Why is the bad **** so much easier to belive? You can have 100 people say how great you are and just 1 person say you a complete eff up and you listen to that one person and remember it always. I tired picking up the guitar today ... couldnt do it. Couldnt do a damn thing today not motivated to do anything cept sit here and type. If I get up I will do it again and again. I gotta get up soon....thats just a given. What I do next is just up to me. My hands shake from time to time. I dunno what to do about it... I know what I would like to do but thats what Im trying to stop doing.

Ill just keep listening to my Zen for now...

[liveweyerd]

It takes a sick mind to think that "I pulled off your wings" is terribly funny! LOL uh...that would be me laughing.

I know what mine are about...and I can speak about it briefly in an unemotional way.
But I do not want to relive it or remember the details.

I think I will just handle what is on my plate right now that is in front of me.

[liveweyerd]

There is a saying to avoid people, places and things that trigger you. I love nirvana too, but it might help to put in something else that isn't associated with the triggers.

Just a suggestion.

ps I like Alice in Chains unplugged even better! But is also drug related and negative messages.

[igetallnumb]

Oh Alice n chains are great also ... alot of people compare the two.
*puts on Man in the Box*

that funny you laughed at that

lmao now u got me laughing... everything even my name is from different songs I like

if it wasnt for music I dunno where I would be right now

[liveweyerd]

Sitting on my angry chair....

Yeah, I think I am angry right now. If there were only some way to knock some sense into him about the crack. But I know better, I lived with an abusive alcoholic man off and on for five years and I loved him dearly. But I had to go to save my own life. And he is still drinking and his heart is now working at 20%...from the alcoholism, his only chance is a transplant and he injured himself the other day badly, I begged him to get medical help. And a friend offered to take him to the VA hospital today and I tried to get him to promise me he would go, but he wouldn't do it. Hubby has tried calling him this morning and this evening. I hope that means he went to the hospital. And that he isn't dead.

[igetallnumb]

Jesus.... that is horrible live. Im very happy you got out of that situation though.
As for him and getting to a hospital one would only hope he will. The choice is ultimately his now.
His body .... his choice... its sad but true.

(((live)))

[igetallnumb]

His phone still isnt on and Im about to lose it. Only god damn person I open up to in my real life and damn phone has no reception... I know he worries about me.

He has reason to all I give him is worry....

Damnit ... Im crying. Why cant I just stop hurting him... why cant I just be ok? Im looking at the guitar. I wanna play. I want to play a song called "The Drugs Dont Work" this song comes as close to anything i ever felt.

Live take a listen this could help you too

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=n4XCGeckA-E

"you leave my life Im better off dead" .... god that is so true

This guy gets me... nobody ever got me before I am dumping all my faith into somebody to feel loved is something I never felt until him...

I belive im bi-polar my emotions are not controlled. I cry on and off at whatever.... can be anything now. I crawl out of the hole for a second and then get pushed back down.

I want to go for a walk ... but if I do that Ill just not come back tonight... I'll wonder all night in Manhattan .... I have no fear of anything.... I'm safer at home though

I WANT OUT OF THIS HOLE!!!!

[liveweyerd]

The violin gave me chills, I love that, but several lines I find disturbing.

You may even be too young to have heard of James Taylor, but I find his music soothing and loving.

[liveweyerd]

yeah, I'm better off dead...is one of the lines I do not want to feed my depression and mind with.

[igetallnumb]

sorry for me it seemed poetic... i didnt take it literal... I have a somewhat dark personality

but i understand hun we got different mind frames u know?

the song is about someone who is watching someone struggling with drug usage.... makes ya think how ur actions effect others (for me being an addict i mean)

you know I never gave James Taylor a chance will do that though I listen to alot of opera now... its wonderfully soothing

[shutterbug]

your entry about injuring....has literally brought me to tears. maybe because i can relate so much to the inner pain matching the outer, but if i had one wish i'd use it to wish that no one could relate to that kind of pain and self-hate. I wish i could have been there to give you a hug and keep you safe. i am worried for you.

For me...i hate the "after" pain of self-injuring. Right now i have this one spot of my cheek that won't heal for some reason so of course i end up eventually picking at it after a day or two ....and right now ...just wearing sunglasses is painful because the rims touch that spot on my cheek. I'm able to ignore the pain when SI, but i think mine is maybe more symbolic of trying to rid myself all the bad i tell myself and/or believe is bad about me. I say this also b/c when i've taken notice of what my brain things of during an SI session.....it's amost always about things i said wrong or should have done differently or who badly someone has treated me or how i've been hurt by them.

I'm hoping nothing i said previously triggered your SI today, but i fear i may have contrubuted some by what i wrote. If so i am more sorry than i could ever express.

please know that you are loved and you a precious...somehow we just need to figure out a way to convince you of that.

i've got to go to bed....i haven't been sleeping much lately and have a physical day ahead tomorrow that is going to be very difficult for me (even though that's the exact opposite of the reason for the "fun day").

Hugs,
Jenna

[igetallnumb]

Oh lord no Jenna you didnt trigger me at all....

Talking about it helps so much ...

And the fact my post effected you like that is making me cry !

I never SI'd my face dunno why in fact thats the only place I dont do it

Right now Im digging into my feet with my nails... into an inch gash I made earlier...

Right now im calm I like to stay up this late because all my triggers are asleep ... thank god

And when i try to go to bed I see horrible things... hear things... have night terrors...

The other night I felt someone whisper in my ear "your gonna die this way" and I felt my temple tingle.... (my cousin shot himself in the head that way)

Suffice to say .... it scared me

Please PM me anytime Jenna

We have more in common then u kno

[liveweyerd]

Have either of you heard of squeezing ice cubes as tight as you can with your hands?

I think I read that somewhere as an alternative to actual SI.

What a horrid night mare, or maybe night terror! I used to have night terrors badly.
How long ago has it been since your cousin shot himself?

I lost my son the same way, sort of.

[shutterbug]

i haven't heard of the ice thing.

I'm so glad to hear i didn't contribute. i was worried that i had in some way 'given permission' to SI.

I'm glad you talk about it and release it....i have never gotten insight into the mind of anyone else who SIs....which is probably why it's emotional for me to read (hits too close to home, ya know). But it's good for me too....as i'm able to see it for the first time from the outside looking in.

Hang in there.

Hugs,
jenna

[igetallnumb]

Live .. I heard of the ice cube method... I tried it alot ...but for some it doesnt work for me.... my hands shake so much I wind up dropping it so much I get fustrated...

Yeah that night terror scared me so much ... I hear this voice at night ... my cousin died about 10 years ago ..... still stings

Im so sorry to hear about your son...


Jenna...

No in no way did you contribute...

I have to get working on my next entry today

And your right releasing feels good for sure

[igetallnumb]

Oh God I need a mother.... Im 26 years old and its pathertic but I feel like I have nobody I feel like just a peice of trahs tossed off to the side....

A freak.... a weirdo....just plain crazy

Im sitting here hysterical crying...in perfect makeup ... on the outside aside from the cuts I look normal... thats the front I put up...not many people know the demon lurking about in my head...

I need a mum....the one I have hates me....truely

oh god I dunno but I feel like im gonna lose it, I wanna move right now I have no money....but I think I should just go.... I dont give a **** about how I would make money there and being homeless I just need out of here!!!

This morning I woke up, I couldnt wait for them to leave to go out and go buy **** .... thats all they do... spend money ... I could be dying and have nothing to my name and they would give a crap about me... I could drop dead and they wouldnt care.

I hid in my room until they left... I dont even like looking at them... I couldnt even go use the bathroom cause I knew I had to pass them to get to it... so I hid for 3 hours. When they left I ran to the bathroom and locked the door, my brother was still sleeping so I didnt want him walking in on me.

And I looked in that mirror and heard the awful things ever said to me.... and saw my cousin blowing his brains out. All I could think of was I knew Im gonna be next.

I need to get out.... I want to be In London already. I sat on the cold tile floor... rocking back and forth thinking about all the dark things plaguing me.

Before I could say no... I had the blade in my hand...

I tilted my head back and dragged it across my skin. This time it was my arm. Relief ... I felt so calm....

no pain not to me... this was the feeling of release.

I watched it bleed... sat there and let the dopamine kick in. There goes my pain and torture trickling out of my arm...

Ahhhh why cant I feel this all the time? I stood up and examined my damage.... not enough.... I cut some more and by the time I was done I had 5 new ones to add to my collection.

I took a shower and got dressed.... long sleeves in August.

I sat down and ate something... food doesnt even taste the same ... I dont find joy in anything around me except cutting and the dream of leaving here....

Another day in paradise.....