i need to feel i matter

[shutterbug]

This episode is getting the best of me in a hurry and i need as much support as anyone here has the energy to offer. i've been unable to stop crying for the past two hours and i don't want to have to face tomorrow or the next. I'm not at my breaking point yet where I think i need to go into the hospital as a safety measure, but I know i'm not far from it and that scares me more than i can express. this week i just need to feel loved somehow.

[best]

With the many people on this site, I don't get to spend the time where I always want to but know this... I have thought of you often and noticed when you were not around.
You do matter and you are loved.
*HUG*
You are a smart talented young lady and even when you have struggles, you bring so much to these boards as you share.

[PaperDolls]

Jenna, this is for you.

[liveweyerd]

I love you, sister.
This shouts out to me that you need to look for gamblers anonymous meetings and go....where you can meet people who are able to understand and help..people who will be there with you and for you and give out hugs.
It strongly feels to me that would be a life raft for you right now.

[shutterbug]

that's beautiful paperdolls. i love Care Bears.

Tena, you are right i'm sure...i have yet to take that step as i've been avoiding it like the plague....however, today to and from assignments i noticed a nearby church advertising recovery groups so i'm going to check into see what they have available as it's so close to new home and work.

[shutterbug]

for right now i am just doing what i am good at doing about money issues and that's the same as what PaperDolls wrote somewhere....i'm ignoring it. Not to the point of getting myself worse off, but of not worrying about it when i can't do anything about it at the moment and when i'm not yet completely drowning. I have a couple of more days before the total drowning begins and i'm hoping this serious depression will have lifted a great deal by that.....so that i will be capable of figuring things out like what to try to pawn and what to pay and all that stuff.

thanks guys, i'm feeling better tonight.
mom said she heard it in my voice immediately (before i said anything to her of how i was feeling). She said i sounded like i was doing better than when she talked to me earlier today. she was right and it made me feel good that she actually noticed a POSITIVE thing for a change! (and actually that she even could tell there was a difference...it told me she was paying attention....which told me she cared.) She's called me several times actually today since i told her how serious things are. I never say anything about hurting myself or even passively imply anything. i just told her i'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility of another hospital stay if things get much worse. So i guess she associates that with harming myself since the last stay was at the persuation of several of my mental health docs because they were nerveous i might go thru with something.

I hate that mom worries, but i guess i'd rather her know what's going on then for me to foolishly do something stupid out of desperation some day and for it to completely catch her off guard and not understand....that would be a lot harder for her to handle i think (which always makes me think back to the shock of my aunt's untimely death six years ago.)

anyway, point is...i feel better....hope i'm saying the same in the morning.

oh....and earlier i actually got a little physical energy to unpack a little bit (not much, but enough to make me feel a little better about things). And it was later when i read my horescope that surprized me again for today. It said:

Home is where the heart is. You'll gain inspiration and a sense of security if you pay attention to your living situation. Figuring out what goes where physically helps your mental state, too.

LOL....isn't that a hoot!

[PaperDolls]

(((jenna)))

I'm glad you're feeling better. I seem to be making a bit of progress myself.

[indigo]

I am glad you're feeling better today and know that you ARE loved.

hugs indie

[liveweyerd]

[PaperDolls]

I love care bears too!

[shutterbug]

Thank you all so very much!

i'm doing much better than when i wrote this thread. i'm still sleepy, but it's earlier than i typically try to get up and around in the mornings.

anyway...not much time...just wanted to give a quick up date.

thank each of you for caring...really....thanks.

[Lilya]

Shutterbug,

I don´t come in as often as before, but I´m around now and then.

I just want to let you know that I remember you well and I have always admired how well you cope. You´re doing all the right things, writing, helping and caring.

I just know you have the strength to overcome all your obstacles.

Light and love,