Anyone ever feel this way?

[HKAngel24]

I am feeling incredibly defective lately (my default feeling) and am REALLY, REALLY suffering from my magical thinking- believing that if I even think for a second, a positive thought about myself - something will happen to remind me that I have no right to believe I deserve things or believe I am a worthy and loveable person.

Does anyone else feel like they are controlled by something outside of them?? I know this is incredibly ridiculous but sometimes my OCD even kicks in.

[historyteach]

I'm so sorry that you feel this way, HKAngel24...
It's not true.
You are a child of G*D, deserving of all that is beautiful in this world.

Perhaps meditation, exercise and positive affirmations would help?
They help me when I'm down...

Shalom!

[shutterbug]

Angel....

This is what I wrote just Monday about how i feel about myself:

"With each passing month i convince myself more about what a horribly disqusting ugly and unlovable person i am. who wants to live their lives being TRUELY repulsed by their own reflection in the mirror?"

I guy recently told me that he knows a lot of girls who have struggled with feeling unlovable. So it's not just you and it's not just me, but it still feels like i'm ripping out my own heart every single stinking day.

[shutterbug]

And before that I wrote this post about where I think a lot of my self-loathing hails from:

i am unbelievably hard on myself. unfortunately, i know and understand what part of my childhood that developed in and what parts it continued to be fed in. i will never be able to explain to most people what it's like to be desserted by you mother, then your father marry's a woman with a daughter my age and while all living under the same roof....the only time i am spoken to or acknowledge is if i'm being given orders or getting yelled at or being made to feel bad (to the point of tears) just for asking for $1.10 to be able to have lunch. (and all while knowing my father, the one bringing me to tears from guilt for asking, spent all night at the bar buying his buddies and girls drinks with his "last" whatever money he had.

the only time i recieved any positive attention....was when i over-achieved. And that came when my father would brag to his buddies about what his teenage daughter had accomplished.

but that was always short-lived attention. i quickly faded.....and with it so did i.
Once again, i became the step-daughter and step-sister who was so unworthy as to be said hello to, talked to like i existed and was such a horrible person that i deserved to be treated like i didn't even belong in my own home....the one i was raised in.

i had no home.
i know little of what a true home feels like.
i had a place to live, but never a home.

and my dad still can't understand why i had enough of him and his drinking to finally say enough 2 years ago and stop talking to him. I have no relationship with him....and he gets my sister to try to make me feel guilty by telling me "you know he still doesn't understand why you don't want to talk to him."

how can he be human and not understand that any time he is in my life he creates pain than i can not continuously bare as a result of his constant selfishness. hell....he still blames me to my face about the problems we had when i was a teenager. My first boyfriend may have been a horrible person, but he treated me like gold compared to my own family...and he stuck by me and made me feel good about myself from time to time - and for no other reason than for me being ME!!!

of course i was going to be a rebelious teen when he tried to take that away from me...the only person I felt gave a real damn. that boyfriend was the ONLY person who WANTED me in his life -- rather than being shown in everyway that i was completely unwanted and a burden to everyone else.

yes....depressed...i'm depressed.

i tried to ignore that yesterday was father's day, but the media makes that hard sometimes. i hate to think of there being an entire day set aside to honor a man who could let me grow up feeling so unworthy of love that i can't even love myself.

all i can see is myself through my father's eyes as i experienced them.
i am only someone when i do something great
i am only worthy of attention when i draw attention away from others by doing better
i am ONLY what i can accomplish.

without goals...i am nothing.

[HKAngel24]

Thanks Shutterbug-

Funny... I can say I think I deserve to be happy but it's really a lie- my actions prove otherwise and I DON'T FEEL it.
I keep waiting to feel something.
It does not come.

[RedLady]

Hi HKAngel24. I am so sorry to read that you feel that way. You asked if anyone else felt that way and I have to tell you that I definitely do. What exactly is magical thinking? I have the feeling that I am being punished because I am such a horrible person and nothing good is allowed to happen to someone like me. I feel like everyone else is somehow better than me and it is my job to learn my place in the universe. Now I am convinced that I am dying because it is better for me to just die. I am too scared to go to the doctor even though I have strange pains. Is this magical thinking? Thanks so much for listening.

[HKAngel24]

Shutterbug- isn't amazing how we can KNOW where our self-loathing and issues stem from but STILL feel paralyzed to make changes- STILL grope around in the dark hoping to fall upon the right tool/fix to make us "see the light."

I am STILL trying to figure this one out. My damn negative thoughts and distorted cognitions are so strong they ARE my reality.

RedLady- I think magical thinking is believing that you have more influence over something than you do- I will have to check on the definition of this and write it later. I would urge you to go to the dr. and get whatever ails you checked out. I know this much- if we do not take care of ourselves, no one else will. It was a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around -- but in reality, no one will come and rescue us.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I can sit here and tell you how worthy you are of everything in the universe, of all the good and that you are keeping yourself in your own personal hell that you deserve to be free from. But I cannot say that because regardless of how illogical most of our thoughts and experiences may be or sound to others- they are VERY REAL to us. Plus- it's so amazing how much easier it is to dish out the good stuff to others but to keep it far away from ourselves.

I was once told to do an exercise where I wrote a letter as a friend to myself- or what would I tell a friend in MY shoes??? I was absolutely paralyzed- how can I possibly perform this exercise - I KNOW that I'm writing about me so everything will be skewed.
Still don't know. Am looking into purchasing some self-esteem workbook.

Just an idea but maybe a bunch of us here could purchase the same self-esteem book, work the exercises and then talk to each other about???

[RedLady]

Hi HKAngel24. Thanks so much for your response. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for the middle of July. It was very foolish of me to put it off. I think it is a great idea for a group of us to work on a self-esteem book together. What book did you have in mind?

[AnnieUnix]

Shutterbug and Angel, I've felt the same way. This year I got breast cancer, and if it hadn't been for my parents I would have refused treatment and given up, since I can't believe that anything good will happen in my life again. The only way I can cope with this is to pretend otherwise, act like the person I wish I was. That's pretty hard sometimes but usually I can do it. As far as self esteem book, I've read everything out there, I wish there was a book with some solutions - preferably step by step - but I suspect this isn't that kind of problem.

[Lilya]

I´m familar with it too, HKAngel. It happens when I´m under a lot of stress to the point of being overwhelmed. Sometimes I use being on auto-pilot to get over a difficult period, because I believe it can be used to one´s advantage.

I used to have the feeling that "nothing good can happen to me" when I was very depressed. It still happens now and then. As I had surgery and treatment for benign breast cancer in 2004, I thought I would go insane and I thought it would last forever. I got so many frightening diagnoses before I was properly diagnosed.

And mine was just benign. The stress you must have been under, Annie. It takes a long time to become whole again after that. I think it´s important to give oneself that time.

During a course in anger management, I realized the trigger which made me think I was undeserving of the good things in life. My counsellor told me to take a time out when I felt the triggers and use a calming line from a poem or play to chant, and I do that. It´s very calming and it makes me realize that my feeling of depression and anger comes from having too high expectation of other people and myself.

I also find it very useful to let go. Sometimes I work the problem so hard, it becomes a problem in itself. Then I know I should minimize it and put it into perspective.

It takes a long time to get there, and I´m not even halfway there. But I know we can all be sucessful at it. I have known peace and balance in my heart. With patience it can be achieved almost on a daily basis.

Love and light,