am I danger to myself?

[thiskidknows]

How do u get rid of the thoughts of suicide? I'm not suicidal at the moment however, as I'm only allowed so "access" to so many tablets in one day I've started to put them all in a bottle and save them up. My face has swollen really badly and I'm in alot of pain, instead of taking to iburofen I've been taking one and putting the other one in my tabs box I've counted the tablets I've got over 70 tablets mixed, paracetmol, anti-depressants, ibrufen, tyadol, sleeping tablets, tradmadol. I don't really understand why I'm doing it, I'm not feeling suicidal at least I don't think i am, but I'm hiding tablets, I really thought I was out of the suicidal thoughts but now it appears I might not be. I know only too well that when I have a drink I lose all sense. am I danger to myself. I should speak to someone in real time i'm just embrassed by everything.

[Live]

Yes, I think this is dangerous. Whether consious or subconsious you have passed from ideation to a plan.

I beg you to speak to your counselor about this Tuesday.

In the meantime, would you give your stash to someone else to hold.?

[thiskidknows]

I'm not seeing my counsellor on Tuesday this week, seeing her on friday. I don't have anyone that I can give them too I feel too bad I don't even know why I'm doing it. Sorry

[Live]

It IS important to take your anti-d's as prescribed.!

I want to think before I post more about this okay?

And you do not need to apologize to us.

[thiskidknows]

I am takin my anti-depressant some days, but on days where I feel ok i don't feel I need it.

[Live]

No....you are mistaken,...they must be taken everyday, it is very important...they are not quick acting like that and you must keep them stabilized in your system.

For me, that is the most important thing I must do every day, whether I like the idea of it or not, is to take my anti-d. And thank you for reminding me of that, I just now in the middle of typing this took mine, there is something in me too that resists the idea of taking them everyday so that I "forget" but after many years the importance has been proven to me, frankly in a painful way. I simply cannot afford the results of screwing around with them.

[thiskidknows]

I will take them properly, sorry.

why do I complicate everything. I can't even stay off drink, or anything. I'm stupid and pathetic, stupid stupid stupid.

[Live]

You are neither stupid or pathetic, you are unwell.
I don't think you would call me those names, I have seen your kindness to others in posts...and you deserve that same compassion and kindness.

It is out of compassion and kindness for ourselves that we do take our anti-d.
That....and being sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

Depression causes me to beat myself up and put myself down as well. Taking them daily for at least 8 weeks will help with that.

[thiskidknows]

I wouldn't call anyone those names I wouldn't do it. I feel really bad and going to cry and have to fight it. I thought I was getting better now I'm not so sure. I can feel those same feelins coming back. is this how life will be depressed, i don't have anything left inside of me to give anymore, I'm too tierd and drained. sorry. I wanted to stop drinking, self medicating, taking drugs but it feels too big.

[pedagogue]

You should probably call a friend ASAP and have them come over. If that isn't possible, and you continue to feel unsafe, you should go down to your local emergency room and let them know what is going on.

-p

[thiskidknows]

I don't have any friends. I know that may sound stupid I've pushed them all away, I kept pushin and pushin and they gave up which I don't blame them for, its safer that way. I can't do this, I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I just give up. sorry for wasting ur time. Sorry.

[BigSis]

It is ok to cry... and it is ok to flush the tabs for now.

My prayers are with you, LC. You are here, reaching out... and getting some excellent responses. I hope you can find the strength to continue to take the anti-d's... Live is right. Some meds can be taken periodically, others NEED to build up over time in your system in order to work properly. If you are not feeling better consistently... that may be a direct result of taking the anti-depressants intermittently.

You can do this.

((hugs))

[Live]

Depression is awful! One day at a time, and as you take your anti-d every day you should feel a difference, however the hardest part is riding it out until they really kick in and in me that takes 8 weeks before they are fully stabilized in my system. But I do start to feel better in a month and then it gets better.
I hope you will give yourself this chance! I know you want to feel better as you do go to counseling and read alot about your issues.
I know you hate hospitals but you may need to go in to kick the drugs/alcohol. Those are making you feel crummy and are working against your anti-d and your hopes of feeling well.
Almost everyone has to have help with kicking the addictions.

[sabine]

Try to see a counseller, you will feel more at ease. You will be able to share all your problems with him and maybe he will put you on some medication which will remove the thought of suicide in you...

[AnnieUnix]

ThisKid it can get better, I've been where you describe - hording meds, feelings of despair. Like other posters said, you gotta take the meds right. You aren't thinking clearly when you don't take them correctly, and a terrible part of that is you can't tell you aren't thinking correctly.....Give it a try for a month. The thing about killing yourself is you can never undo it, but, you can put it off and try something else. As for friends, you can get more friends when you're stable. Use your doctor and resources....you can do it. I'm bipolar, alcoholic, and dealing with advanced cancer. If I can do it, I know you can too!

[ccgirl]

Please seek out help...now. Just hoarding pills shows more than a fleeting thought of hurting yourself.