disappear

[thiskidknows]

I hate my life, I hate everything about me..I'm a selfish, pathetic wh*re.. I hate the feelings I have, I hate that I'm never clean, I hate everything about me. I've cut down on all food and now only eat ice pops. I can't deal with everything on my own left on to my defences I can't cope, I thought I could but I can't. I've not even been home 24 hours and already I want to take the tablets..a friend has sent me more tramadol and some other tablets. I just seem to lose any ability to take control. I guess I'm scared to get better cause then I lose all support and end up back where I am, but also, I can't live with memories, having to take drugs and drink to get high and then depressed, then the not drinking or taking drugs and feelin depressed..never feeling content. I'm sorry I'm bored of me as much as u must be, everyone is bored of listening to me..I'm sorry.

[Astro]

I'm a selfish, pathetic wh*re..

Wrong. You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't want help, but you need to reach out for it. The only thing pathetic about this is that you're beating yourself up. You deserve better for yourself.

a friend has sent me more tramadol and some other tablets.

Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

I guess I'm scared to get better cause then I lose all support and end up back where I am, but also, I can't live with memories, having to take drugs and drink to get high and then depressed, then the not drinking or taking drugs and feelin depressed..never feeling content. I'm sorry I'm bored of me as much as u must be, everyone is bored of listening to me..I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you're feeling this poorly, lost. Are you ready for an AA meeting yet, some sort of support group, a place to feel safe and to get help from others who've been there? Are you ready to let people love you unconditionally?

[BigSis]

Writing this out helps, Lost. I hope it continues to help. Don't stop writing... ((hugs))

a friend has sent me more tramadol and some other tablets.

With friends like these, you don't need enemies, eh?

Has your counselor suggested hospitalization, or is that option available to you, Lost? It sounds like it would be a safe place where you can get the meds under control and receive intensive, consistent help.

I hope you find what you need. Please know I think of you and wish you well.

[thiskidknows]

I'm not sure about AA groups, I would feel a fraud and not sure I'm confortable being around people just yet, I feel people would laugh at me I do want help I'm just not sure if I can go, I get so anxious and nervous which I'm sure most people do, I don't know maybe I just over anaylse everything, look to deep into everything. Sorry. Hospital is out of the question, I have a serious problem with germs and dirt, hospitals are filthy places and u can catch all sorts of germs, a girl in my block went in for a simple routine and contracted MRSA I don't want that. I have to be in a clean place, no dirt or germs, I wash my hands every 5 minutes I really don't like germs or dirt. Sterile is the only way. I bathed in bleach today because I couldn't get clean from my recent stay in hospital, I felt so dirty even after cleaning and scrubbing my skin. I don't know why I'm like this, its only recentely i've become I guess obessed with germs and dirt. I really am a freak. Sorry.

[BigSis]

Sounds like some obsessive/compulsive disorder behaviors... you might want to mention to the counselor.

Maybe you can research that? Might be meds that alleviate some of the behaviors. I don't have those, so I don't know for sure.

(((Lost)))

[Astro]

lost, when you're ready and willing to accept help and support AA can provide that, they're not there to laugh at you.

[51anna]

Lost,

You said on another thread that you've agreed to see someone about your addictions. I am so glad you're taking that step. You need to get some help.

Please know that we are all thinking of you.

[thiskidknows]

I have agreed to see a drug/drink counsellor if I can get the courage to walk thru the door...it can be one on one support or group support but I wouldn't be comfortable with group support only one on one. I will see what happens but I will give it a try. I'm just scared I guess. I can go on Wednesday afternoon, tomorrow I see my physicatrist (11:30) and counsellor (13:00). I think I'm just nervous and panicing. You know, this is pathetic but when i get out of counselling I feel so alone, and usually drive home crying and very dangerous, I just want to be able to call someone who cares and just hear their voice, how pathetic..

[thiskidknows]

what have I done, why can't I just step back and accept, why? why am I so scared off everything, give me a drink or a joint or even tramadol which give me a buzz and confidence and I can do anything, but take it away and i crumble. I need a hit, I need to go out and get some drink and a smoke. I'm sorry.

[51anna]

What you need is to go and see your counsellor and psychiatrist tomorrow and then see about your addictions on Wednesday. Those are positive steps that you can take if you are ready to help yourself. Do this for you!

[Spiritual Seeker]

There is another way to live. One symptom of depression is the inability to take action Try to overcome this get out of your mind. Write 3 things to DO for recovery and then Do them. Reach out to recovery community, counselors., psych. etc. Just do it.

[thiskidknows]

How do u mean Spritual?

I did the 3 gratitudes that Anna told me about, and all I could think of was that I was grateful I could read, that I could see and feel the weather I couldn't think of anything else and its getting late. I can't do anything right. I just set myself up to fail don't I. I'm silly, ignore me. i'm a silly pathetic child.

[Spiritual Seeker]

Make the necessary calls to get some help It is not right or healthy not to treat depression Can your parents help you. Reach out.

[thiskidknows]

I don't get on with my parents. My mother blames me for everything that happened when I was younger and used to hit me, and emotionally hurt me. my step-father touches me, never had se* or anything but when he see's me he touches me and tries to kiss me in the way adults do. I am seeing a counsellor, and physicatrist and also a cpn who comes to my house everyday (but that's not going well, as they sent a man and i have problems with being around men). I am trying but keep failing. I don't think anyone believes me, I feel everyone laughs at me and thinks I'm stupid, they say I'm intelligent but if I was intelligent then I wouldn't have got myself in this mess, i wouldn't have let the abuse happen when I was younger. I'm thick and stupid. I keep floating off like I'm not here living on a cloud, I can't see around me. i feel wierd.

[liveweyerd]

Keep those appointments and when they are over and you want someone to call...check in here at SR. I know this is a comfortable place for you here.

live

[thiskidknows]

This is the only place I feel I fit in and am comfortable and I am grateful, I used to use another site but they didn't understand me and let me know they didn't, I just didn't fit in. I don't understand why u are nice to me. ur all goin to hate me, everyone does I must have been real bad and evil. Is it because I hate me that everyone turns on me, doesn't get me. why doesn't anyone like me in real life, why am I so bad, even at school i was a loner, I spent all day on my own and not talking I used to end up argueing with teachers so I could speak, why am I such a pathetic loner, drink and drugs are the only things that seem to be my friend and yet enemy at the same time. I just want to cry and be held, how bad and pathetic. stupid stupid stupid me, stupid jody, stupid pathetic jody.

[liveweyerd]

The drink and drugs just had you in the hospital bleeding.

Are you taking your prescribed anti-depressant. I need to take mine every single day.
When I do not I feel worthless and am unable to function. And, yes, I quit eating.

The question I used to hate most was "What have you eaten today?"

It does get better. And today I ate like a piggy...I had country fried steak, mashed potatoes, gravy and corn on the cob for lunch. I am going to have a chef salad for dinner. There was a time when that is all I would eat in about a week.

live

[thiskidknows]

I know I'm sorry. I have been taking my anti-depressants everyday for 3 week but I've also started back on the tramadol today, I don't know why I done it when the men from the council were here I just took 4 of them and then couldn't stop.

Whats a chef salad? I've eaten a few ice pops and a bowl of porridge today, that's all I can manage and I won't be eating anymore today cause its 22:30, I've stopped eating in the last month, I've no appetitate and all food makes me feel sick. I don't know mentally I might be getting stronger but I think that might be because i've lost all sense of who I am, and am putting myself in danager I don't really know.

thank u for talk to me.

Lost x

[51anna]

Jody,

When I was drinking, my life became smaller and smaller. That's what addiction does to us. It isolates us and takes away everything good in our lives. It's your addict voice telling you that you're worthless. Take your meds, visit your drs and get the help that is being offered to you. We want you to get well.

[liveweyerd]

This chef salad was a to-go so I had to open it to see what was in it.

It has lettuce, turkey, ham, 2 kinds of cheese, tomatoes and onions. It would have included black olives but I had those left off. It comes with dressing and crackers.
It is easy to eat as a munchy...a few bites at a time. Some come with cucumbers and other assorted vegetables. I like radishes in mine too.

As a treat I am drinking a caffeine free coke. I have to make an effort to drink bottles of water....but our bodies need it for everything!

[thiskidknows]

Anna what u said does make sense, when I'm dry for a couple of days I do start to feel better within myself, ok the feelins are still intense but more capable. and then something happens and I go back to the drink and the tabs, and even think about walking away from all support before I lose it. which I feel I don't deserve. Sorry - I will keep going to counselling and getting help cause I do want to get better. I just don't want all these feelings, fear is destroying me, I've never felt it before but now its all I seem to feel.

It sounds nice ur Chef Salad, I like salad..I drink loads of water, about 4 liters a day and I'm trying to cut back on diet coke and coffee, I drink loads of that as well..maybe that's why i spend alot of time peeing.. sorry.

[liveweyerd]

I know it is scary...but you know what? You have courage! Courage means we feel the fear and then do it anyway. You having been taking steps to get help and that shows courage.

I can't drink caffeine except for a little in the coffee in the morning, it hypes my nerves up. But I'll bet I go for a cup of decaf coffee in just a few moments.

So, I am grateful you have courage, it inspires me! And makes me want to try harder at the things I am working at.

Thank you.

[thiskidknows]

Courage, never been told that before.. not sure I understand either - but I'm glad it makes u try harder on the things ur working on.

R u feeling nervous is that why u need to get a caffine in a minute?

[liveweyerd]

No, the coke is caffiene free and the coffee is mostly decaf...just something about coming in from work, I like a cup of coffee.

Caffeine wrecks my nerves. Since I have anxiety, I need to avoid it.

If I drink caffeine after 3 pm I cannot sleep at night.
It is a stimulant you know?

Really I like herbal teas better, but haven't been able to convert husband.

[thiskidknows]

I knew it stimulates u, but I didn't realise it could make nerves worse. I have anxiety as well but didn't know coffee/caffeine could make it worse.

Hee hee..I don't like herbal tea's either, I've tried them and always force them down tryin to train my mind into liking them but the taste buds are adamant..