lost and gone.

[thiskidknows]

If ever I should go, and u don't hear from me
please don't cry, just know that i'm not far
I'm looking down on you and will protect you.
remember that always and forever I love you.
I tried to change, I tried to fight
but the feelins became to instense
the pain, the memories woudn't go
the strength inside just died.
I felt so lonely, i tried to reach out
I tried my best to stand up and fight
but everything became too much,
I was beaten, i was so out of touch.
I lost touch with the person within
all because of my original syn
I watched him hurt everyone
I let them all down, I was outdone.
please remember, that now I am free
I am now able to live and be happy
I no longer feel have any pain
I don't feel anymore more hurt
I just couldn't be me, here on earth.
Goodbye and godbless.
your always be loved.

[cali]

I used to feel this way--everyday. I shutter to think that one-
just one sip will bring me right back there. I hope you are ok,
and this is one of your "writings". Please pick up the phone and
call someone if you need to talk.

[thiskidknows]

I've tried the phone, i've tried to call but no1 wants to hear its friday nite and everyone is spending the time with families and friends. the last 2 days I've emotionally and physically got worse and i can't take anymore.

there's an angel guiding me to heaven
she's reaching out and taken me hand
no longer, does she want me on this land
she's accepted that it came to much
and now she's helping me to be free.
Prepare the tablets, and drink the drink
take the tablets, one by one i'm slowing gone.
close my eyes and sleep,
when I wake I will be heaven
I will be with the angels, I will be free.
take the tablets and the drink
it was too late to save me
I wanted to stay and grow
but today, they won
she destroyed me and killed my last bit of hope
now I'm going, the tablets, the drink, they won.

[Morning Glory]

Hi lost child,

If you go to a hospital and tell them you are suicidal I'm sure they will listen.
You have options open to you, but no one here can make the choices for you.

All anyone can do from here is let you know they care and support you emotionally. There isn't much we can do to solve your immediate problem.

Would you be willing to admit yourself to a hospital so you can regain some of your strength and coping ability. It sounds like you need some care right now. It takes a lot of strength to cope. We all get very tired sometimes.

[thiskidknows]

I guess they will. I'm sorry. Sorry for eveything.

[Morning Glory]

No need to be sorry. I went through a similar situation when I was 29 years old and I know how hard it is and how hard it is to keep moving forward. I also know from this side of it that there is a way out of it other than suicide. It wasn't an easy journey, but I'm glad I made it. I can remember one day when a million pounds of emotional pain was just lifted instantly after I had a light bulb moment and connected my pain with a past event. You just don't know what a day will bring and we can't look at things in forever terms. You can get past this pain.

There were times when I was in so much pain I didn't have the ability to get up off the floor. I could not find the strength to keep living. That is when I went into the hospital. The hospital stay was enough to help me regain enough strength to keep moving. I was only there for a couple of weeks.

You will have so much to offer to others one day because of all you've been through. Who else will understand them the way you will be able to? You have a purpose in this life that only you will be able to fill. You can't see forward yet, but life always changes. It will not be this way forever.

You're important to all of us.

Hugs,
MG

[cali]

You're important to all of us

Yes-you sure are!!! MG that was such a nice reply--
LC I am sorry that you are in pain-hope that right now
you are in contact with someone that can help you!
Namaste

[51anna]

Lost, I hope you listen to MG.

Please take the steps you need to look after yourself.

[thiskidknows]

Thank U MG.

I am going to the mental health hospital, I don't have to stay the nite but I can speak to an onsite physicatrist. I really don't want to go to hospital..I've never liked them, and my counsellor also doesn't believe that hospital will be the best thing for me (I can't be around men without freaking, and also violence freaks me out and shuts me down...I know its stupid).

[die tryin]

You are doing the correct thing.Please let everyone know how you are doing..All the best..

[cmc]

Lost,
You write beautiful poetry- you have a gift. What a shame it would be to waste it. The thing that I want to stress to you is that the state you are in right now...you don't see what is true. This pain you feel is temporary and can change.

it was too late to save me

This is a lie. It's not too late. In your verse you promise to help me

just know that i'm not far
I'm looking down on you and will protect you

...but you can't help me or anyone else on this earth unless you are alive. God can help me if I take his help and He can help you too. Think about it.
I'm glad that you decided to get some help. Please let us know how you are doing. You aren't alone.

[Morning Glory]

I agree that a hospital stay is a last resort. I also know you can be victimized there as well as anywhere else and it's not always the safest situation. If the choice is suicide or hospital though the hospital is probably the better choice.

I'm so glad you are going in to talk to someone though. Come back and let us all know what they suggest. Sometimes just getting up and getting out of the house helps. Even getting angry at a psychiatrist that says something you don't like can be helpful. Anything to get us out of our own head for a little while.

I remember talking to one psychiatrist who fell asleep after he asked me a question. He woke up and asked me how my divorce was coming along and I wasn't even married. It gave me something to laugh about for a few minutes.

[thiskidknows]

the talk did help, I have a cpn coming to see me tomorrow and everyday until...I feel so bad I've hurt so many people and its not me, its not me I don't like hurting people. I've deceided to quit counselling, I'm getting to close to her and I'm scared that she will run like everyone else and it will hurt, if I go it won't hurt as much. Thank you for ur support and I'm sorry for everything I say and I do.

[51anna]

I'm glad you have someone coming to see you everyday. I think that's a good idea and I'm glad that you arranged that. That's a good step that you've taken.

You know what, I really don't think the counsellor will run away on you. I think she is there for you and the fact that you are getting close to her is a good thing. It will help you to open up. You need to trust someone and let them help you. Have faith!

[liveweyerd]

I knew you had your appmt today and have been thinking of you.

The ladies above won't steer you wrong!

I am so very glad you went in and talked to someone.

[thiskidknows]

I think I'm just scared of getting close to someone and having them run, I was going to call her last nite and tell her I didn't want to attened anymore, but I have waited and will try and talk to her on Tuesday about how I'm feeling that she will run away. Thank you for ur support.

[indigo]

Lost when you are feeling so overwhelmes, perhaps you could call 'The Samaritan's they are open 24/7 and they are there to listen and help, they are trained to do it.

safe hugs indigo

[liveweyerd]

My guess is she will be very glad that you have decided to be open and honest with her and that this will be the beginning of something wonderful...not an end of the relationship. Now it can get real! And you can begin to feel REALLY better.

[thiskidknows]

She did say that to me the other week when I told her why I find it difficult to let anyone get close, she said she felt that I was always pushin her away, and when she tried to get close I would push further...she does understand why I do it but she said I was the first person she had meet where after 18 months she didn't feel that she knew me...so I told her why, and then she sent me a text the next day saying that she felt our relationship had moved forward and I helped her to understand some more. She can read me like a book, I don't even have to say how I'm feeling but she knows apprentely from my body language...I do want to get better, I do want to enjoy life, I'm just really scared about change, about opening up, about talking about the past, the present..I know I have to, but I don't know if I'm ready to. I'm so negative I hate it I really do.

I have used samariatans before, on phone and via text and they have helped pull me out of dark thoughts, apart from once where I was told I had the control and they couldn't help me...I haven't called back since.

[liveweyerd]

I know you are scared.
I am glad you two talked about it....I believe you can get better....even better than you can imagine.
And remember, as well as talking, you can use your writing to communicate. Don't rely on her to read your thoughts and body language.
I think it is really cool that she sent you that text!

You might want to erase the history on your computer....'coz of ex?

Tena

[thiskidknows]

I will try and talk, every session I say to myself that I will talk today, I will be honest and when she asks how I am, I won't say fine I guess, or don't know (my 2 fav sayins) but each time those words come straight out, and I get mad with myself.

I use a program called privacy mantra that removes all my history and index files so no1 knows the sites I'm using, I downloaded it the other week when he came round and was doing something to my laptop.

Why can't life be straight forward, do I complicate and make everything worse in life? why am I so complexe.

[cmc]

lost,
I just want to encourage you to keep moving forward. It really seems to me like you are beginning to make some progress. It takes awhile for me to get over things in my life- often longer than what I feel it takes for another person. I tell myself that we each have our own way of healing.

Why can't life be straight forward,

Imo, because you have been hurt in the past- and you are protecting yourself from more of the same- that doesn't sound bad does it? It's a reflex.
I have learned in my recovery to take more time before I trust people, I used to offer my trust too freely. I now try to protect myself and yet not become isolated from those who have earned my trust. It is what you are doing here- trusting us with your life issues and trusting this counselor. I believe you are on a good path.
I'm very proud of you for taking some positive steps for yourself. It takes alot of courage to do what you are doing and I hope you will be patient with yourself.

[liveweyerd]

ditto!

[51anna]

Lost,

You may not see it, but as cmc said, you are beginning to take the steps you need to take in order to take care of yourself. Keep reading and posting here and keep taking small steps to move forward.

[thiskidknows]

Sorry I didn't read ur response until now, I'm sorry. Thank you for taking the time to reply and sorry it took an age for me to respond.