may trigger - how I ended up here.

[thiskidknows]

How I ended up at SR, I will try and write this down but please don't be mad if its not allowed please delete.

0-4yrs - witnessed violence towards my family from my old man, he never hit me but he done bad things towards me.

6yrs - 3 weeks of my step brother touching me, he only had se* once with me and I old my old man, that was the last time I saw him as he walked out of my life.

9yrs - r**** by Lee because I wouldn't let him kiss me during school and embrassed him, my own fault I should have let him kiss me and not embrassed him.

10 - 15yrs - se*ually ab*sed by a family friend.

15yrs - r**** by 2 men. my own fault as I was smoking hash.

18yrs - an*l r*** after a fight and getting kicked out a nightclub and walking home alone, my own fault shouldn't have walked home, shouldn't have had a fight.

21yrs - Jumped by 3 unknown men from behind, police closed the case due to not enough evidence.

26yrs - r**** in November & december, my own fault as I had been drinking.

27yrs - se*ually att*cked on holiday, day after I miscarried my first pregnancy.

27yrs - 5 men se*ually att*acked me whilst I was staying in hotel for work, I should have stayed hidden away.

12yrs - current - made a deal of se* for drugs, when I was 18 it changed and he started to become violent and regularly r**** me and "sold" me to friends.

Its all my own fault, I let it happen, I should have been better behaved. I'm a dirty horrible person and I hate me so much. How can I not be to blame?

I started taking drugs at 12, drinking at 15..now my drinking is out of control, I occassionaly take coke, and smoke hash and green. I self medicate with pain killers, and I self harm. I am now abusing my own body and its all my own fault. I deserve everything I get.

I spend the last 2 hours curled on the sofa just crying and i don't know why i was cryin everything that has happened is my own fault. I put myself in danger, i put myself in the situtations., i have slept around, never had protected se* and men can clearly see that I'm a *****, and if I don't give it to them, they take it so now i just let them have se* but I have to be drunk or high. I want to change, I really do, but I'm scared of change and I can't do it on my own, I don't know where to start. I have no confidence, no self esteem, I want to die everyday, everyday I just want to close my eyes and never wake up, i pray everynite for it to be my last and when i wake I'm angry that my cries have gone un heard.

sorry this is long and makes no sense, sorry.

[thiskidknows]

I start to fall with feelins that blind me
I try to hold on but my heart is bleeding
the fight has become to much, its sh1t I can't fight
inside I'm a knot all tangled and tight
they walk free everyday no pain do they feel
as I struggle to survive and heal
they in my mind takin over me
take over my thoughts they living in me
They have control over my body
they are with me everywere I turn
how can this be the life where I belong
how much longer can i pretend to be strong
how many more years of abuse do i have to take
be it emotional, physical, sexual my body, mind aches
my body is falling apart with each new day
it won't be long before there is no more today.

I'm losing control, I near to hear a voice and the only voice I hear is the sound of my own mind. how can i get thru this, how can i move on, how canI do it. Idon't know how to. I'm sorry, i hate being a burden and never being happy, ur hate me like everyone else does now u know the truth of the person I am, evil, nasty and horrible mum was right i am just satans doll.

[SaTiT]

hang in there LC
you are not a burden to anyone..
stop blaming yourself for other's people's BS or actions.


just keep reaching out for help

[Aysha]

Wow..Thats pretty heavy.
But you need to know it is not your fault.
That is a symptom of people that have had that happen.
They tend to feel they asked for it somehow.
NOT TRUE!
Have you tried to get help?
Counseling?
Something?
I am fairly new to your posts so forgive me if I am not keeping up.
Theres alot of pain fueling your addiction.
Although getting it out like you do is helpful and creative.
You need solutions too.
Noone should have to go through that and think that it is their fault.
You dont have to be abused. You shouldnt feel like it is Ok that you are.
I will be praying for you.

[thiskidknows]

I have been in counselling since March 2006, I had family counselling when I was 8 (but I don't remember, mum told me last year) and again when I was 15 (but it only lasted one session, as it was ur mum said this, ur mum said that and she didn't listen to me, it was also the day we were burying a friend who was killed on christmas eve by a drink driver).

I'm sorry, I do feel its all my fault, that I got everything I asked for and now I'm being punished.

[Aysha]

Well I am no Dr.
But it is not your fault.
I do know that much.
I wish I could make you see that.
In the meantime we are all here for you.

[BigSis]

What (I hope) you are getting here, LC, is that constant reassurance that you didn't cause it.

You didn't cause it. You didn't deserve it. You came into this world a perfect child, in a perfect, innocent body. Abusers hurt us and then try to get rid of THEIR guilt by making us believe we somehow "deserved" what they did.

You are an adult, today, you do not have to buy into what the abusers told you. Today you can be guilt free.

Keep coming in here.... get what you need here. As often as you need to.

(((LostChild)))

[abtchonamission]

((((((Lost))))))
It's not your fault - period.

I agree that change is scary, but it's worth pushing past the fear. And you're not alone...you have a huge support system here, and your counselor. You can do whatever you need to, you just have to take the first steps.

[thiskidknows]

I agree that I do need to take the first steps, but what are the first steps I know its pathetic that at 27 I don't know what to do..the only thing I know how to do is fight myself, be angry at myself, hate myself...when i try to get angry at them, I end up completely going mad and turn it inwards, i just can't be angry at them. I guess because I feel the guilt, I feel the shame, I hold the embrassment that I let it happen, that I only spoke out once, that I went back to the family friends house, he used to give me money for clothes and I took it. I put my family thru so much pain, and I feel so bad for that. My brother used to hit me all the time, it started when I was 7 and stopped this January when he head butted me and broke my nose, and tried to strangle, my mum stood they laughing, and now she tells me i've torn the family apart again. Its my fault and I hate that I'm such a bad person. I hate it. I hate hate hate hate hate it. I hate it.

[Anna]

Hi Lost Child,

I'm going to PM you a link that I sent you once before.

It is excellent and it's about how to begin Inner Child Healing.

It's definitely worth reading and it will show you how to take the first steps.

[abtchonamission]

Are you involved with any treatment - NA, AA, or an alternate method? You find a lot of face to face support in those meetings, and I would think that there are others in those meeting that have dealt with similar circumstances to yours. We had a thread in Friends and Family of Substance Abusers regarding sexual abuse, and it really is something that many more people than you would realize have been through...

Keep talking, okay? IMO, you have to get it out before you can begin to heal from it...keep your head up, keep telling yourself how special you are (and you ARE, whether you know it yet or not.)

Love & Hugs,
Trisha

[thiskidknows]

I'm not part of any support groups, I have one on one pyschotherapy (spelling) my counsellor did once suggest anger management and AA, but when she saw me around 2 people one being a man and I explained that in large groups or near people i don't know I start to shake and shut down, she feels I need to maybe gain confidence before I seek a support group.

I do have a problem with drink and drugs, yesterday TJ asked me to get rid of my tramadol and I did and then i got panicy. I've just been looking at the tablets I have, mainly painkillers and i've got a cocktail of stuff. Amitriptyline, solphadol, morphine, paracetmol, ibrufen, mirtazapine, citalopram, ziphiclone and some unknown tablets as i've ripped the label off.I didn't realise how much I have and its just hit me how much i've saved up, now I'm scared how pathetic, it was me that saved it up and now I'm scared to even look at the tablets again, i'm scared to be in the same room with them. I only wanted 2 paracetmol for my headache and now I'm freaked out.

[abtchonamission]

Maybe trying a women only support group would be an easier step to try? I can see how being around a group of men would be intimidating, but perhaps a smaller group made up only of females...

As far as the prescriptions - which ones do you need for valid medical reasons, and which ones are unnecessary or outdated? I would think a good step would be to flush any medication you truly do not need.

[indigo]

Lost first as the others have said it is NOT your fault and you are not a bad peson, bad things have happened to you through no fault of your own. I'm no doctor but I do know that taking cocktails of drugs can cause a paradoxical effect and make everything much, much worse.
Please considor going talking to a sympathetic counsellor or another professional can help you come to terms with all the horror you have been subjected to and help set you free so it does not continue to engulf you and overwhelm your life. You can start to feel good about yourself, please get help.

safe hugs indigo

[thiskidknows]

The only ones prescribed to me are citalopram which are the anti-depressants my doc gave me. The other ones are ones that my ex gave to me he used to force the zophiclone down my throat, after my doc gave then to me and I had a bad reaction to them, the solphadol my mother gave me as a leaving present with the passing words make sure you do it properly next time.

I could try a women only support group but I don't know where to look but I can speak to my counsellor and ask her.

[abtchonamission]

Flush them all, except the citalopram, then. You don't need them if they weren't prescribed to you, or you had a reaction.

I think speaking with your counselor would be a great idea to find more support. Changes are a good thing, even though it can be scary. Taking small steps to make the changes makes it easier to push through the fear.

[thiskidknows]

I'm sorry.

[Anna]

There's nothing to be sorry for Lost Child.

Use your Counsellor, as much as possible to help you. And, there are lots of great people here who love you and want you to feel better.

[abtchonamission]

Why are you sorry? You haven't done anything wrong.

[thiskidknows]

I have, I've done wrong again. I shouldn't be here anymore and I can't stop crying and the pills are screaming at me, I've started taken them. I can't get hold of anyone and feel sick and dizzy. I've doing bad. Sorry.

[Anna]

Please go to the ER Lost Child.

You have done nothing wrong here and you have loads of support from all of us, but you have to help yourself now.

[abtchonamission]

I agree with Anna. Please get seen by a doctor.

[thiskidknows]

i did help myself I phoned my doctor ad she cam over as i was being sick theirs no need to go to hospital unless I start to feel worse, I've got to have blood tests to see what damage i've done. I'm stupid and pathetic. I want so badly to cut right now.

[Anna]

Lost child, you took care of yourself and that's great. I am so glad to hear this.

There is no need to feel down on yourself now. You can move forward.

[ebv]

Everyone is right, it's not your fault, it's the low life ba!!!!!! lurking around for someone innocent like you to take advantage of. maybe you should look on the internet for the closest rehab. and check yourself in, here in the states if you can't afford it they have programs to help you, you really need this Lost Child, they can help you with the drugs and alcohol plus get you on the right medication for anxiety and depression if you need it, really sounds like you do. special prayers to you and please keep us all posted on how you are doing, we care!!!!!!!!