Mum

[thiskidknows]

Sorry I was cleaning, and something hit me when a song came on...A mother is someone whose meant to guide u, protect u, look after u, love unconditionally..a father, someone to look upto, someone to teach u, someone to play games with...yet I had none of that, and now I'm an adult, I'm told to rescue the little "jody" yet I can't cause I don't know how to..were both suffering and I can't help her.

You say u care
you say u love
but where was u when I needed you?
no where, that's where.

You knew what was happening
but u stood back and watched
you knew that I was hurting
and u just added more.

why mum, why now?
why couldn't u tell me it would be ok
why couldn't u say u loved me
why couldn't u even cuddle me

why mum, why now?
why did it have to wait so many years
why did it have to wait for u to move away
why couldn't u see the hurt u caused.

why mum, why now?
u say ur never understand
but u don't need to understand to care
u don't need to understand to love

I'm ur daughter mum
it shouldn't have been like this
it shouldn't have been u against me
it shouldn't have ended like this mum.

mum, u hurt me now u want me to forgive
but I don't know if I can or if I ever will
u hurt me mum, u hurt me bad
2day cause of u, i have tears in my eyes.

you hurt me mum, and i don't know what to do
I don't feel to good at the minute mum
and its hurting real bad
all I want to do is end it right now.

I don't want my life anymore mum
I'm sorry if that hurts
I'm sorry mum I can't take anymore
I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry.

[liveweyerd]

????Maybe print this and take it with you to your appmt Friday?????

[thiskidknows]

I will do that Thank you..sorry I'm bit dense, don't think of anything like that. Sorry

[liveweyerd]

You are not dense. I just know from being in counseling for more crazy years LOL that sometimes it is hard to say things. So this is an easy efficient way to let them know where your head is at.

hugs!

live

[thiskidknows]

Its very hard to say anything in counselling as I appreciate u know...even after 18 months I still can't speak and it drives me insane. Naively, when I first started counselling I thought it would be a couple of sessions and off I go to get a new life, how very wrong I was and it was just the start of many new memories coming back to life.

[liveweyerd]

Yes, that part of it is devastating but it will get better.

I have to dash off to work but I will talk with you later.

[thiskidknows]

I hope u had/have a good day at work. Do u really believe that things can get better.

[laurie6781]

I hope u had/have a good day at work. Do u really believe that things can get better.

Jody I do for sure. When I first started counselling I couldn't talk and make any sense either, so I took my journal with me and let her read it. That gave her more insight into me than I could ever have given her trying to talk to her. Slowly, after that, I would bring my journal every visit, and I could speak a bit about what I had written. This went on for a long time......................................but it does get better!!!!

And yes, I still journal, maybe not everyday, but I do journal, especially when something is troubling me.

You can do this! There is light at the end of the tunnel. Liveweyerd will tell you the same thing. She has grown and changed so much in the years I have been here, it is ABSOLUTE TESTIMONY that one can get better.

Yes, it requires WORK, and sometimes that work CAN BE VERY PAINFUL in the beginning, but sure enough as we get through the pain, there is peace on the other side.

I'm 61, about to be 62, and you know what? My 'little laurie' still comes out to play every week or so, roflmao and I LOVE IT!!! Why? Because today she can come out and play, the pain she suffered and the abuse she went through and buried is now gone. It has been put to rest. The only way I was able to do that was with therapy.

You can do this sweetie, I know you can!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

[thiskidknows]

I tried to start a journal, but then it was read and now I won't write one. Instead I keep it all in my head, my counsellor wants me to start talking about the past and I can't do it, I just curl up and hide everytime she mentions it. I keep having flashbacks and they geting more intense, they won't stop. Sorry.

[Toomutch]

(((((Lost)))))

Prayers your way

[Alive]

I am so confident that through sharing here and with counseling you are gonna lots of answers soon and that things will fall into place, and you will be truly happy!

take care of yourself, you're so worth it

p.s: talking about it quite a start!

[Dee74]

Lost Child,
I'm no psychologist, but maybe the flashbacks are getting worse because you're not talking about it ? As long as you keep listening to all the negative stuff in your head and letting it own you, you're gonna be battling yourself like this.

I know you don't like your life at all at the moment...but to move on and not be stuck where you are, I think it's time to start talking to people who can help...and I mean opening up...

no-one underestimates the pain you have or the fear you hold or the enormity of your task, but the battle you're in right now is no good. If the people you're seeing now aren't helping, or aren't people you can open up to, find someone else.

You need to realise that you are good you are worthy and that you have no need to be sorry. You're a talented intelligent and sympathetic soul. You need to let go of the crap others have left with you.

hugs
D

[liveweyerd]

hi, I replied on your other thread "Thank You".............I have to run again this morning, but I promise I will check back with you.
Will you make sure you check back with me, please?

Tena

[thiskidknows]

I will try and talk about the memories its just feels that everytime I try to talk something bad happens.