I love a bipolar alcoholic.

[howdoIknow]

I think this may be the end. He left wednesday, came back thursday and we talked a little, then he left again, in a manic state saying "he just has to go right now". I have been sobbing for days. We have been living together for 2 years AND work together. Although it was an ajdustment, I feel I have been able to handle and be supportive of the the bipolar aspect. The alocohol abuse to "shut his brain off" is not something that I can live with. He is also on Lamictal, Cymbalta, and xanax. They seemed to be working wonders but his dr just raised his levels and it seems to be making him worse.

We have the same conversations over and over about the drinking. He started see an alcoholism counselor. It helps him short term. I have asked him to leave before (when he was drunk). Now it is hard for me to tell if it is alcohol or the pharmacy of medications he is on. That causes conflict, because when I ask him he gets defensive. He was very cold when he left, and I was trying to be calm and rational because it may be for the best. The I couldn't stand it and yelled to him as he was going, "No one could ever love you more than I do." He finally looked up at me and said "I know, & thats why I'm leaving. I love you and I don't want this to be your life." He said he was taking time to be alone, and he would come back today. He hasn't gotten all of his things and he said it was because it was "too final" for him right then.

Anyone have any insight? What do you think about the meds? Without alcohol as a factor, can we have a life together?

[howdoIknow]

Did I post this in the correct place? I have posted about the alcohol aspect on the other forums, but I was hoping for some sort of insight from someone who actually has the same affliction

[Lilya]

There are no easy answers here, HodoIknow. Judging by my own experience with both bi-polar men and alcoholics, I think you have come at a place where it´s good to take a deep breath and try to let go and let God.

That doesn´t mean I´m implying you should leave him. I just think it could be a good idea to create a little distance from him to be able to see with some clarity where the relationship is going. Asking questions such as: What effects does it have on me? What can I do to help myself? Try shifting your focus from him to yourself and see how it goes for a while.

I have a feeling you might be overwhelmed, because obviously he cannot give to you what you need, because of his condition.

I´ve been where you are and it´s never easy. Tread carefully. Are you seeing a therapist? Sometimes an objective person can clarify a lot for us.

Love and light,

[Sunflower]

unfortunately people from some of the forums can't accept that an A can have a diagnosis--they may have caused him to become an A--he needs his meds stabalised--my son is on abilify and it is working wonders---if he can get the bipolar under control he will have a better chance of stopping drinking--PM me if you want...no one will touch this here...

[Highlander99]

Been there done that got the t-shirt and I have seen the movie. Yes it is not enough that the are bi-polar but then just when you think you can not take much more they start to drink. I know their have been studies that say bi-polars are prone to alcoholisim. Mine did not like lithium so they tried many other drugs that did not seem to help her disposition. My advice would be if you can get out, get out now because it rarely gets any better. People from Priests to Dr.s told me to get out for year but I did not listen and now I am paying the price. Don't do why I did and waste many years waiting for her to get over her problems, its not fair and it is no fun.

[historyteach]

Hi, howdoIknow;
Welcome to the forum!

First, please know that NO ONE causes another to be an addict or an alcoholic. Oh, sure, addicts will *blame* another for their actions. But, unless we force the dope or the booze into them, we are not ever the cause.

I do think you will find some real help at live Alanon meetings. There, you can get a sponsor who will help you find a way to live that will allow you to find serenity. Right now, it seems as if you are in need of some peace.

Being dual diagnosed is very difficult to deal with. It's rather like a chicken an an egg situation. And only time, committment and effort on his part can sift through the overlapping issues and help him find a way that stabilizes him.

We can be supportive of his positive efforts on that behalf, but, in the end, it's his issue to fix. I know this; my son is dual diagnosed as bipolar and a heroin addict. I've been dealing with it for 13 years. By detaching with love, I am able to keep my own sanity -- that which was once very truely threatened.

The serenity prayer always helps me:

G*D, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, (another person),
the courage to change the things I can, (myself and my situation),
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Remember, we didn't cause the addiction; we can't control it and we cannot cure it. But, we CAN learn to cope with it.

I wish you well on this journey, and hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery.

Shalom!

[howdoIknow]

Thank you everyone for all of your insight. I know it's not my fault, it's just SOOOO hard. But I know you guys already know that. I really love coming here, for several of the forums. It's nice to have people who can understand and give me hope when it's applicable and the gritty truth otherwise. Thank you all sooo much.

[una_brinne]

I agree to a point....but not completely.....I'm new here, but it seems that there are some ppl here who don't truly believe that 'bipolarism' is an ACTUAL disease....I am bipolar A (OCD and ADHD) and I was an alcoholic before I knew about my other afflictions and bipolar's ARE prone to addiction, that's one of the most difficult aspects of the disease. I take a handful of pills everyday that I hate because it seems that they don't really work...I've gone off of them before and realized that they DO indeed work. What doesn't work is mixing them with alcohol...that's a recipe for disaster and I've gone through it many times....that's why I'm here. I've also put my wonderful husband through alot of BS and I guess I should be thankful that he truly loves me and doesn't feel the same way as some who have posted here! I am a person too - even tho I'm bipolar - it's a true disease. I refer to it as cancer of the brain BUT it can't be cured and you will live with it for the rest of your life - most bipolars realize that and can't stand the thought so they choose to end their lives instead of attempt the alternative. I have 3 wonderful children an amazing, loving and supportive husband who won't leave even when I tell him too. He left his family in England to be with me and misses them horribly - but he won't leave me and our children. He doesn't treat me like a freak that has no right to live a happy normal life. On this last go around I was sober for 95 days - taking my meds regularly but suffered a relapse last month - we've had some rocky times since then...he's listened to my enraged mouth and dealt with my temper like a 'real man' would. I guess what I'm trying to say is that - "yes" you need to decide upon whether or not you are willing to deal with someone who has a disease for the rest of your life....he needs to deal with the alcoholism and get his med's straightened out those things are his afflictions to deal with....I don't, however, feel that loving him is wrong .... you may have to love him from a distance until he is able to straighten himself out. You can have a 'normal' life loving with a bipolar but they have to keep up their end of the deal and do all that they can to better themselves....I would like to know....if he were in a car accident and lost all use of his limbs would you stop caring for him....if he ended up having cancer....would you throw him out just because you didn't want to deal with a few 'problems'? NO ONE is at all perfect, we all have something that we have conflict with I have to deal with my husband's problems and habits too.
I'm sorry but a few of the comments above made me feel very sad....
It is up to you to decide in the end...despite some of the negative ppl that will always exist in this world.

Good Luck and Blessings,
~H~
"We create the future with our words, our deeds, and with our beliefs."

[hopeOct31]

Similar to what H said individuals who have bipolar disorder are at a higher risk to have alcohol/substance abuse. It is usually treatable, however, if the person is willing to recognize the problem and do the work. It can be a long road not only for addiction recovery but also finding the right meds to treat bipolar and keep it under control. It doesn't happen quickly.

The personal experience I can share is that I have bipolar II and I have two close friends who have bipolar I. All three of us are sober alcoholics. I have six months and my friends have 6 and 18 years. All three of us have to be careful to take the meds and follow-up with our doctors to keep the bipolar treated. It hasn't been easy for any of us, however we are all leading very different lives than before (for the better!).

Whether to stick with him is not something I can tell you, it depends on how you feel about it, how long you have been struggling with him, if he is willing to work towards recovery, etc. I wish there were a simpler answer to give you.

All my best, HopeOct31

[Highlander99]

I wonder what the psycology is behind the bi-polar and the addiction? Is it just an escape or is it about self destruction? I do believe bi-polar is a disease but I think Drs through it around as a catch all so they can put you on meds and not have to deal with it. My A left me after she got "sober" and had been in AA for 2 months. She has little or not emotion about the loss of our marriage and seems to be hard as stone. I cried on the phone one night trying to get her to call every thing of and I think I heard a sniff or two towards the end but for the most part she is pretty heartless. Is this typical, she never gets overly happy but the moods did swing, she even slapped me around once? I did not hit her back because I knew she would call the cops. I ended up with a mark below my eye and the shirt torn of my back. I am at the point now where I know it is over but it is pretty lonely. Here is another question, how long does it take for an A on average to do the 12 steps?