GawdAwMighty - Did I blow it this week! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

TenPacks · 04-22-2007, 05:15 PM

I joined here in January, but did not commit to taking action - do I ever wish I had now:

I have been getting worse in my alcoholism, nearly a bottle a day. I have been in love with an old friend from other Discussion Forums for 8 months. (I knew her for 7 years, but as a friend). She has always expressed a willingness to help me - oddly, I don't have to drink around her.

Last Thursday, I woke up fuzzy as usual - but something snapped! I had an intense series of anxiety attacks and wound up throwing a bunch of my stuff in my truck, leaving my wife a note that I have to get away (she knows all about my "friend"), and drove 8 hours to be with the woman. I thought I had the courage to leave my marriage behind, but it turned out I didn't.

The 2nd night, still freaking out somewhat, I couldn't sleep all night, but at least was sober. I wound up rising very early, calling me wife to see if she will take me back, and leaving my friend in the lurch. Now, I have TWO shames... living down the affair - and knowing that my "friend" is now devastated as well.

God, what a mess I have made of things.

I feel like if I knew where I was going to die, I'd hop a bus and go...

My wife wants to help me and for us to get this mess fixed, but how do I turn my life around now that I screwed up so royally?

Rowan · 04-23-2007, 06:51 PM

Hi TenPacks,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Are you getting help for your drinking? You do not need to live this way. Please keep posting and feel free to check out the other discussion boards (newcomers to recovery and the alcoholism board both see a lot of online traffic). Hope to see more of you around.

Rowan

historyteach · 04-24-2007, 06:01 AM

You make amends one day at a time.
Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
So, begin your journey of recovery. The recovery of your body, mind, spirit and also the recovery of your marriage.
Be grateful each day that you have another opportunity.
And make the commitment.

Shalom!

TenPacks · 04-24-2007, 05:38 PM

I hope you folks are right... I guess it's not "news" that it's a pretty overwhelming feeling, is it?

historyteach · 04-24-2007, 05:40 PM

Ten...
That's exactly why it's one day at a time.
We cannot do it all today.
We take only ONE step at a time. OK?

Shalom!

BigSis · 04-24-2007, 05:41 PM

(((TenPacks))) Every day is a new day...

If I live in the past, I spend today feeling shame.
If I live in the future, I forget to spend today at all...

Today is all we have, our best is all we have.

Today I can do my best.

(((hugs)))

TenPacks · 04-25-2007, 12:54 AM

btw - I don't really know how the little "Thanks" icon works - I hit it a couple times, but if something looks amiss please forgive my ineptitude.

TenPacks · 05-01-2007, 12:13 PM

I reviewed this "breakdown" with my personal counselor yesterday... he feels I did INDEED have a serious series of panic/anxiety attacks. As he said, I've been "burning the emotional candle at both end for so long now", and then thown Alcohol into the mix, that no one could frankly expect much else to happen... sooner or later.

As some of you have already indicated, he agrees the NUMBER ONE concern for me in the near future is detoxing and getting involved in a Healing Process. As he said, it will be so hard, and occupy so much of your attention and energy, that both women and your other friends will have to realize that there will not be much else left for you to spread around - but it has to be this way. And there is NO WAY that I can attempt any other major decisions at this time.

historyteach · 05-01-2007, 05:43 PM

Wishing you only the best, TenPacks.

Shalom!

Ten Chips Down · 05-01-2007, 08:06 PM

Hiya TenPacks! Errhm. Nice name you have!!

In regards to...

"Both women and your other friends will have to realize that there will not be much else left for you to spread around - but it has to be this way. And there is NO WAY that I can attempt any other major decisions at this time."

Just wanted to duck in and be the lone moral voice for the poor wife: Treat your alcoholism, yes but hold yourself accountable man. Treat your wife's broken heart, too. Do not think that being an alcoholic somehow excuses you from this kind of moral obligation to other people.

Finally, if there are kids involved.... well, please just tell me there aren't kids involved. Said my piece.

You know my position on the matter.

Ten

TenPacks · 05-01-2007, 09:13 PM

The kids know - I had to call them the night I arrived at my friends home, but they both are in their 30's and in happy relationships of their own. My greatest fear was that they would DESPISE ME, but both of them told me that whatever happens, I'm still "Dad", and they still love me. [edit] The tears are welling, even as I remember back that two-and-a-bit weeks.

One of the first of a small series of reliefs, that seem to be coming the more often I become honest with myself and others. "Living The Lie" has just gotten to be too Goddam big a burden... I'm worn out.

04-22-2007, 05:15 PM	#1 (permalink)
TenPacks Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Southern BC, Canada Posts: 100	GawdAwMighty - Did I blow it this week! I joined here in January, but did not commit to taking action - do I ever wish I had now: I have been getting worse in my alcoholism, nearly a bottle a day. I have been in love with an old friend from other Discussion Forums for 8 months. (I knew her for 7 years, but as a friend). She has always expressed a willingness to help me - oddly, I don't have to drink around her. Last Thursday, I woke up fuzzy as usual - but something snapped! I had an intense series of anxiety attacks and wound up throwing a bunch of my stuff in my truck, leaving my wife a note that I have to get away (she knows all about my "friend"), and drove 8 hours to be with the woman. I thought I had the courage to leave my marriage behind, but it turned out I didn't. The 2nd night, still freaking out somewhat, I couldn't sleep all night, but at least was sober. I wound up rising very early, calling me wife to see if she will take me back, and leaving my friend in the lurch. Now, I have TWO shames... living down the affair - and knowing that my "friend" is now devastated as well. God, what a mess I have made of things. I feel like if I knew where I was going to die, I'd hop a bus and go... My wife wants to help me and for us to get this mess fixed, but how do I turn my life around now that I screwed up so royally?

04-24-2007, 06:01 AM	#3 (permalink)
historyteach To Life! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 9,303	You make amends one day at a time. Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. So, begin your journey of recovery. The recovery of your body, mind, spirit and also the recovery of your marriage. Be grateful each day that you have another opportunity. And make the commitment. Shalom! __________________ IMAGINE

04-24-2007, 05:40 PM	#5 (permalink)
historyteach To Life! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 9,303	Ten... That's exactly why it's one day at a time. We cannot do it all today. We take only ONE step at a time. OK? Shalom! __________________ IMAGINE

04-24-2007, 05:41 PM	#6 (permalink)
BigSis On a tear Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Volcano Country! Posts: 3,240	(((TenPacks))) Every day is a new day... If I live in the past, I spend today feeling shame. If I live in the future, I forget to spend today at all... Today is all we have, our best is all we have. Today I can do my best. (((hugs))) __________________ No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless.... BigSis

05-01-2007, 12:13 PM	#8 (permalink)
TenPacks Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Southern BC, Canada Posts: 100	I reviewed this "breakdown" with my personal counselor yesterday... he feels I did INDEED have a serious series of panic/anxiety attacks. As he said, I've been "burning the emotional candle at both end for so long now", and then thown Alcohol into the mix, that no one could frankly expect much else to happen... sooner or later. As some of you have already indicated, he agrees the NUMBER ONE concern for me in the near future is detoxing and getting involved in a Healing Process. As he said, it will be so hard, and occupy so much of your attention and energy, that both women and your other friends will have to realize that there will not be much else left for you to spread around - but it has to be this way. And there is NO WAY that I can attempt any other major decisions at this time. __________________ How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

04-23-2007, 06:51 PM	#2 (permalink)
Rowan Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 12,138	Hi TenPacks, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Are you getting help for your drinking? You do not need to live this way. Please keep posting and feel free to check out the other discussion boards (newcomers to recovery and the alcoholism board both see a lot of online traffic). Hope to see more of you around. Rowan

04-24-2007, 05:38 PM	#4 (permalink)
TenPacks Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Southern BC, Canada Posts: 100	I hope you folks are right... I guess it's not "news" that it's a pretty overwhelming feeling, is it?

04-25-2007, 12:54 AM	#7 (permalink)
TenPacks Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Southern BC, Canada Posts: 100	btw - I don't really know how the little "Thanks" icon works - I hit it a couple times, but if something looks amiss please forgive my ineptitude.

05-01-2007, 05:43 PM	#9 (permalink)
historyteach To Life! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Rhode Island Posts: 9,303	Wishing you only the best, TenPacks. Shalom! __________________ IMAGINE

05-01-2007, 08:06 PM	#10 (permalink)
Ten Chips Down Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Virginia, U.S.A. Posts: 847	Hiya TenPacks! Errhm. Nice name you have!! In regards to... "Both women and your other friends will have to realize that there will not be much else left for you to spread around - but it has to be this way. And there is NO WAY that I can attempt any other major decisions at this time." Just wanted to duck in and be the lone moral voice for the poor wife: Treat your alcoholism, yes but hold yourself accountable man. Treat your wife's broken heart, too. Do not think that being an alcoholic somehow excuses you from this kind of moral obligation to other people. Finally, if there are kids involved.... well, please just tell me there aren't kids involved. Said my piece. You know my position on the matter. Ten

05-01-2007, 09:13 PM	#11 (permalink)
TenPacks Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Southern BC, Canada Posts: 100	The kids know - I had to call them the night I arrived at my friends home, but they both are in their 30's and in happy relationships of their own. My greatest fear was that they would DESPISE ME, but both of them told me that whatever happens, I'm still "Dad", and they still love me. [edit] The tears are welling, even as I remember back that two-and-a-bit weeks. One of the first of a small series of reliefs, that seem to be coming the more often I become honest with myself and others. "Living The Lie" has just gotten to be too Goddam big a burden... I'm worn out. __________________ How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

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