suicidal and self-injuring

[undertheseas]

Hi everyone. I'm taking a break from my suicidal ideations for a minute. I really want to die but I am afraid to do it. Im also a cutter. I have been sober since 10-9-06 and have recently had gastric bypass surgery... so no alcohol or food to use to deal with life.

I can be going along and everything is fine but when I start feeling alone I just want to die. Sometimes I cut. I can't deal with the loneliness and I don't want to be here. Even in my home AA group, which is full of wonderful and supportive people... I am alone. There is certainly no safe place to talk about wanting to kill myself and cutting. I feel like I am sitting there covered up and nobody can see me. I don't know how to maintain relationships or reach out to others. I just want to be dead. I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and meds don't seem to work for me, at least not very well or not for long.

I have a lot more to say but that's all for now. Thank you for reading.

[historyteach]

Hi, understhseas;

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time.

Have you spoken to your doctor about the meds not helping? It's vitally important that we be rigorously honest with our health care provider. And it would probably help if you saw a counselor too. You have so much to deal with.

Keep posting and letting us know what your doc says and how you're doing. There is help.

Shalom!

[undertheseas]

yes, I see a therapist weekly. i can't get an appt. with a psychiatrist until April 4th, but I doubt he will understand the special needs of a gastric bypass patient. thank you for your response.

[aasharon90]

Thanks for sharing undertheseas.

For me with my chemical imbalance, it took
a yr to find the right solution that would
agree with me. What may work for someone
else may not work for me and my situation.

So i talked with my physician and he knew all
my history with drinking and how i had been
feeling all those yrs....he monitored me from
the start with me letting him know how each
thing i tried was working in my system...

Medicine takes awhile to work properly....

You are not a bad person..and neither am I
an countless others....I know i have a disease
and having that kind of knowledge and tools
to help me cope one day at a time I have learned
to live life on life terms with help and guidance
from first of all my HP and next a wonderful support
group and 12 step program....

I notice that when i reach out to help someone
else that is struggling, then that helps me get out
of my own self centered thinking and ways. Before
i know it, my problem isnt that important any longer.

Take things one step at a time...and keep sharing here
because ud be surprised at the help and support, love
and care u will recieve here to help guide u along in ur
recovery.

[historyteach]

Here's some ideas that I use for myself. I hope it will help you...

I try to keep my focus on myself.
For example, I need to take care of myself physically, meaning to eat right and exercise regularly.
I need to continue to learn new things; to care for myself mentally.
I have to monitor and care for my emotional self; possitive affirmations, meditations and such.
And I need to keep in touch with my spiritual self. I need to stay connected with my HP, whom I call G*D; to take religious education classes and strive to increase my spiritual awareness.

Theses are the behaviors which increase my self worth, and make me less depressed. When I'm taking care of me, that's when I'm doing well.

I hope this helps. Try to act on at least one of the above today, then, add to it. When you're working in all four areas, I promise, the world will look different to you.

Shalom!

[Morning Glory]

Welcome to the forums Shonda.

You've found a good group of people who will listen to all you have to say. There are many here who have gone through the same thing and who understand. I know what it feels like to feel invisible and isolated in a crowd. That is one of the symptoms of depression and anxiety. When I first found these forums I could hardly talk at all. I held so much in I forgot how to talk. I was alone in my little world with no one who could relate.

It must be very hard to lose two of your coping methods. We do what we need to do to survive even when those methods aren't healthy. At least they kept us alive for many years. There are other ways though and if you keep moving forward you'll eventually learn new ways of coping and find treatment that will help you.

Don't lose hope. I found my way out and I know you can too. I was and still am a tough case.

Hugs,
MG

[undertheseas]

Thank you to all who have posted. You've given me a lot to think about. I am feeling much better today. I will post more later. Thanks again!
Shonda

[Bozo]

Such a pretty name!! Welcome to SR. Oh gosh I know how you feel, you just get so damned discouraged and just want to give up. Several years ago I seriously considered killing myself leaving behind a spouse and two young children, but I was able to pull myself together enough to go to a medical doctor for help.

Now when I am down and totally focusing on the negative, instead of such a drastic measure as killing myself, which would hurt soooooooooo many people, I just turn it down a notch, AND REST.

Ya know, what the hell, as far as I know, this life is not a dress rehearsal, might as well make the best of it.

Hang in there, if you can just get through the dark periods, I think something good is bound to happen for you. Take care of yourself, you are important no matter what your mind tells you!!!!

Keep posting!!!!!!!!!!

[ciryda]

Shonda,
That is a pretty name. First believe your not alone.Alot of us SI can feel the pain.
Early on in recovery & re-hab I tried talking about Cutting and self harm. Not to mention serious suicide attempts in a general 12 step meeting.It is not the appropriate place to share I have found. I am learning now after 9 months of being clean - sober the issues associated with SI need to be treated seperately as the core of this behavior have differant symptoms and emotional issues connected to it.
I have seen psychs and years of mental health counseling. Alot of meds mixed with
self diagnosing and drug and alcohol abuse. This is the first place in Sober-Recovery
forums I can explore and converse with people who truely show empathy on what i'm going thru. Honestly, I have to be able to open up to people that share the same stories in their lives from that is where I am beginning to find my strength and start the recovery process. I thought by not using, the craving to cut would dissapear.
The opposite happened actually. This place is a godsend for me. I can be who I am
without the fear of being rejected for what I have done to myself.
Remember your special.
A friend in recovery.
Ciryda