Writing Off Mom - new here, please point me in the right direction

[swimmer]

This is my first post ever to SR. I'm not sure I'm even in the right place, because neither I nor anyone in my family has suffered substance abuse of any kind. Also, no sexual or other physical abuse that I'm aware of.

But LOTS of psychological abuse!

Anyway, I discovered SR just this afternoon while doing a websearch. I'm trying to find other people I can chat with about the specific subject of cutting off communication with one's mother.

I am NOT looking to be judged about this. Don't tell me whether it's a "good" or "bad" thing to do, whether I should or shouldn't do it.

Currently I've cut off (most) contact with mom for about three years now. This is not the first time, either. But this time I feel 99% certain that it's forever, for the rest of her life.

I want to discuss practical issues with other people in the same situation. Things like: how to avoid having to defend yourself to friends or other family members; how to handle feelings of guilt even though you know you're doing the healthiest thing; how to avoid getting derailed by "sneak attacks"; whether/how to mourn as if she has died, even though she's still alive; how to avoid getting dragged back into a relationship with her by other family members; etc.

If anyone knows of a specific bulletin board or chat site or self-help site or whatever, where I could find other people dealing with this, I would appreciate your help immensely.

Swimmer

[ccgirl]

Hi, Swimmer;

For the last 10 years of my mother's life, I cut off most communication. If she called I was polite but distant because she was a crappy mother and I felt no love for her. So I certainly will not judge.

As far as defending yourself, why should you? You feel how you feel and there's no law saying you have to love your mother. If family members give you a hard time, like mine did, I just shrugged it off.

The only thing I will say is to not cut it off viciously. Just distance yourself physically and mostly emotionally. That's how I did it with my mother and when she died a couple years ago, I felt no left over guilt because I was never mean or hateful.

[consilience]

When I got clean I had to give up many close friendships. If I get called by one of them I just don't answer the phone. Maybe if I feel more stable one day I'll be able to talk to them.

It helps when I think of them / treat them like strangers. Nice, but emotionally distant.

[Bozo]

Welcome to Sober Recovery Mental Health forums. I think you bring up an excellent topic. I cannot even begin to tell you some of the psychological headgames my mother put all us children through.

One of the ones that whacks me out to this day was her insistence that I become a priest, so when she dies she will automatically go to heaven.

Yeah, you've really given me something to reflect on, thanks. Mike.

[tubesk]

if you're looking for support/insight from others in similar situations I can give you links to a couple of mental health boards. One has a forum specifically for family/friends...

I've stopped contact with many people... some family members included.
It can be tough. It can also be a really healthy thing.

good luck =)

[historyteach]

(((Swimmer)))
I strongly recomend a book, titled Healing From Family Rifts, by Mark Sichel, our own former Expert here on SR.
You can see it at www.marksichel.com
There, you will find many helpful ways to deal with this difficult transition in your life.

You don't have to feel guilty. You need only care for your own self.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, and I wish you only the best.

Shalom!

[charltonwilson]

anyone that is not supportive, you might consider, cutting them off as well. whether a phase of your recovery or forever, when all is said and done, there is ONLY ONE person that is going to take care of you... and that is....???
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YOU!!!!

so, i suggest a book, may of may not be on target... trapped in the mirror by elan golomb. if you grew up in the USA you likely were the offspring of a narcissist. and sadly, you are also, likely one. so, learn about it. i suspect that this maybe a very helpful topic to check into...

best of luck and please keep us apprised of what is going on!!!

cw

[Don W]

Hi swimmer, Welcome to SR. I'm going to be intrested in this thread. My family has had the same problems for years. Again, welcome. No judgement only support from me. Don W