Please Anyone Can Help Me Please Help! Thank You

[sabrina_d2d]

My story starts here, I have been married to a man for over 2 years, the 1st year we were together I left him after 3 months because I was afraid of the commitment, during that time he was sad, but soon forgot me because his love for his childhood neighbor had come back. I realized I wanted him back without knowing he had a thing for this girl. Everything was going great till one day I found out he was still talking to her, and to top it off she had gotten married. Well he stopped talking to her, but the damage was done, I had lost all trust for him. Over the next year and a half we had ups and downs, and when I'm saying up and down I mean heaven and hell type of thing. In my heart I truly love this guy. I feel that we are 1, but we always argue. I am willing to change not trusting him, I also have a problem I speak without thinking, but he also makes me feel angry that he doesn’t appreciate me. That is why I give him hell. So when it comes time to breakup I always find myself saying no I don’t want to. He always decides that it is best that we don’t breakup. This time our fight blew up like crazy. He had wanted to go out to a club and dance with a bunch of girls while I sat at home being a "good" girl. I listen and I work with him and try to make sure he is happy, is there anything wrong with me being upset that he wants to do these things? He used to tell me before that he was doing it and now he doesn’t say a word, he tells me he is going to play pool which is hard for me to believe because he doesn’t answer his phone. Should I ignore the fact that he is disrespecting my wishes and let him go and maybe he will get over going out to these clubs and realize he is doing something wrong, and maybe he will stop, or should I continue on being stubborn and telling him No not to go? Because we really broke up this time, and that is our only problem, I don’t want him doing these things, what must I do to make things better?

[best]

I would say that the best thing to do is seek the help of a marriage counselor.
You are justified in not trusting him (by what you posted) and a counselor will help you both find growth (if you are willing). Men think different then women and because of that...even when things are going well, we don't send the right signals or say the right words so you know we appreciate you.
As far as his not respecting your wishes...set boundries (rules you can live with) but if you set them, you need hold to them.

[Bozo]

Welcome to the Sober Recovery forums. You will find lots of people here with lots of different opinions. In the end though, you must decide what is right for you, IMHO.

Relationships are tough sometimes and can take a lot of hard work. I do like what Best had to say, marriage counseling cant hurt and it might actually help.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Mike

[quentin9576]

Hi there,

I feel for your situation. I have been with my girlfriend now for almost 6 years, so believe me; I too know a thing or three about arguments

Hmm. I have a few things I'd like to say to you. First of all, do not give your husband "hell" for not appreciating you; that just makes the problem worse. Instead, as soon as he does something that upsets or hurts you, tell it to him straight: "it really hurts me that you want to go out without me." Then tell him why: "it makes me feel like I am not enough for you."

Secondly, it is never ok for your partner to ignore your wishes. Just make sure that you have expressed your wishes in a non-hostile way. Be honest, not angry. Talk from the heart he has caused, not the anger that this hurt brought you.

In my opinion, it is definitely not ok for your partner to be going to clubs without you. Hell, I wouldn't even go out and play pool without my girlfriend! But, hey. What it comes down to is this; express your needs and desires in as honest (i.e. non-aggressive) manner as possible. If your guy flagrantly violates these honest needs, ask him why he did so. I believe in second chances. But if this is a tendency, if he is simply not generous enough with his emotional effort, I would lose him.

Good luck with your relationship!

[ccgirl]

I've been married for 19 years. We hit a really, really bad rough patch last year. Started counselling. I am more in love with him than I have been in years and years. It's the way to go.