Major depression/Bipolar Journal III

[shutterbug]

Year three journal

Year two is here:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-year-2-a.html (Bipolar/ major depression journal part 2 (year 2))

Year one is here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...im-scared.html (Please help. I'm in the throws of a bipolar episode and I'm scared!)

[historyteach]

So, Shutterbug,
Do you think the anxiety build up is a result of being sick?
I know physical illness can effect our emotional state, and it's difficult to do what's necessary to take care of ourselves when we're ill too.

I've had pnemonia, and still cannot get rid of the cough. I'm still on cough syrup, antibiotics and inhalor and it just won't stop!
I'm also having shortness of breath, and that is causing panic like symptoms with a tight throat, (my version of panic attacks.)

On the other hand, our emotional state can also influence our physical well being. Having had surgery, dealing with the tenant from hell and moving back to my house while dealing with my sick mom and working full time while taking three classes certainly didn't help. I woulnd't be surprised to find out I got sick with pnemonia as my body's way of saying "Slow DOWN!" LOL!

Anyway, I do hope you're feeling better and Happy New Year to you!

Shalom!

[shutterbug]

The third chapter in my recovery has begun...and with new issues to face.

The good has been that I have come from the suicidal depths of my second major depression, 2 sign-ins to the mental hospital, several months in a day treatment facility and loosing my first real, career job through it all...to come out on the other side to be blessed with a greater idea of what "healthy" is in my life and a great job that's a million times better than the one i was fired from during my major depressive episode.

I am at a point in my life where I now see my illness as a blessing in the grand scheme of things. My family is riddled with addiction and mental illness though no one aware of how deep it goes or how to cope. I feel blessed because I have twin nephews who can benefit from my commitment to learning how to cope with these issues when they are older and that I can monitor them from a place of knowledge in hopes of easing any issues they may face with a weapon of early detection. I feel blessed because i'm working to no longer be on the sidelines of my life griping about my life, but instead armed with tools to influence the directions my life goes by taking as much responsiblity as I can at the time to change the negatives. I feel blessed to know that I am strong enought to travel through hell and still come back for it better rather than worse or not at all. I feel blessed because I have learned that I control what kind of people I keep company with and that I don't have to spend time with people who are toxic to me, my life and my goals to live happy and content. I feel blessed b/c with my bipolar disorder has come a great many things among which are strength, creativity, kindness, open-mindedness, resolve, a little more self-respect and esteem from stepping up to take control, empathy, understanding, a keen awarness for the feelings and emotions of others and a desire to help ease others who are struggling.

My last episode brought back me closer to my faith and who I am inside, but most of all I now have an inner sense of hope that wasn't there before. From time to time I still feel those horrid and all-too-familiar feelings of hopelessness, but now I recognize they are just feelings and that it will pass and therefore I never lose grasp of the underlying hope I have deep down that we all need in or lives for happiness.

I am thankful for the bad influences I have replaced with good ones and thankful for people here who are more knowledgeable than I am to still help me with the bad I still have yet to replace.

I am thankful for the knowledge that I am a work in progress and that as long as I keep moving forward I will prevail.

I have many hopes and plans for the year ahead. I am 9 months into my first full-time position as a photojournalist and my abilities and knowledge are growing in leaps and bounds. I created my first photo illustration/graphic for my paper last week and it felt great as it was something that I never knew I was interested in until this past year and was blessed to be able to spend the last 9 months working along side a graphic designer/artist at my paper before his leaving to take a job doing more of the type of designing he prefers. Last year this time I was working at a horridly back-woods "in-the-mean-time" job to get me through financially until I found something better and I was once again blessed to be introduced by a staff member to a photo hosting site that has allowed me to meet so many other great photographers, both locally and world wide, to inspire and support me. I am in the infant stages of learning artifical lighting techniques as i've always found it difficult for some reason and just recently have met a local photographer who has the techniques I want for my own work and is willing to teach me.

So in the coming year I plan to get my lighting issues resolved and starting kicking butt and taking names. I have already seen so much success in my career this past year in getting published in the New York Times, Washington Post and USA Today, to name a just few, and I plan to continue along that path...and perhaps someday working on staff at one of them or Time or National Geographic. Huge goals for me, but i'm all about goals and reaching for the stars.

I plan to get hold of my finances and get away from living pay-check-to-pay-check in an effort to have security in my future.

I plan to create a home in which I feel comfortable in and where I have little anxiety about having family and friends over.

I pray God has it planned for me to find love in a kind of relationship where I can keep my codie issues under control and that is healthy and can endure. I pray that I can have the strenth and motivation to get physically healthy in addition to staying focused on staying mentally healthy. I pray to grow leaps and bounds in self-esteem and security...in a continued effort to love myself for the person God made me to be. I pray that the family and friends that I no longer let be in my life come to understand that I am no longer near them as a way of loving myself enough not to let them bring me down and that they may find their own self-love and respect to become happy and healthy in their own lives. I pray that I can somehow stop feeling guilty for my successes and yet never become a prima donna or egotistical about anything in my work life. I pray that I can find ways to make real differences in people's lives with the gifts I have been given in life. I pray I have the energy to do the things I need to do and wish to do, but to continue to keep tabs on not letting myself endulge too much in my hypomanias. I pray that God will help me beat my current cravings for the gambling issues i've recently developed. And I pray that this coming year may set the stage for me to have children some day and be a good mother when the time comes. I pray to be a positive person and not sweat the small things. I also have a great prayer for me to be able to verbally communicate with others and for me to learn better when to keep my mouth shut and/or to not verbally express every thought in my head to everyone I talk to. I pray to stop smoking and therefore stop killing myself slowly so as to reverse my early-stage emphasima (and to become a better speller...LOL ) I pray my 17-year-old cousin has an awakening of sorts and stop heading down the highly distructive path she is on and to get her dipolma or GED as it is very saddening to me as to what she is doing with her life when she as so much potential for her future. I hope someday she can come to see the hopes and dreams i've always had for her and that it will not be too late.

All-in-all, I pray, plan and hope to be the person God intended me to be - nothing less and nothing more.

[shutterbug]

Happy New Year Teach,

Perhaps you are right in that part of my anxiety is due to being sick. I have a lot of anxiety just about constantly being sick and how not to get sick or how to get better without it taking a month or longer.

Right now a big part of my anxiety at work is from not being in top-form...in light of my paper just hiring a kick-butt part-timer photojournalist to work in our other burea office. He's fresh out of college and yet his work and lighting techniques are at least a year ahead of me. I'm happy to have him on board, but it's seriously affecting the way i feel about myself and my work and what others think about me and my work (even though I know i'm not suppose to care about what others think -- i do as i'm am still super insecure about my daily job and production). It's tearing my chest apart right now as I even type this.

If he was older than me (i.e. more experience) and especially if he had that kind of personality where I knew he would work to help me grow also (rather than just trying to show me up - which was the vibe I got) then those would both help a great deal. But the fact that I will be his chief photographer and yet i'm not as good as him...well i just can't describe the feelings i have.

I've only been in the job 9 months and according to those I work with i've done a great job and exceeded their expectations, but that's not enough for me to feel secure. I'm a broken record in saying this, but I know a great deal of this insecurity stems from the way I was treated at the end of my last long-term job. I was constantly winning awards and accomplishing the work of 2 people in the same week that everyone else was accomplishing that of just one....and yet when i got sick (the major depression) it was like I suddenly became a vial, good-for-nothing, scary person to be around who was incompetent and any resembling an asset to the newsroom. Nearly 2 years ago I was fired and starting putting that all behind me, but the anxiety i feel at my job today is very close to that I felt back then.

Before I was even back from short-term disability leave, my editor advertised my position as being open. He tried to fire me my first few weeks back, but I fought him on it and he wasn't able to at that time...therefore he wasn't able to replace me right then. But shortly after one of the reporter's quit and he was then able to hire my replacement under the disquise of filling the vacated position. Soooo...I literally ended up training my replacement before my boss was successful in firing me. That person is still doing my same job today - nearly 2 years later.

This new part-time at my current job was brought in on a freelance basis to cover for me while I was gone on vacation for a week before Christmas. It was last minute and my boss told me of it and within the hour the guy was sitting at my desk and I was showing him the ropes and letting him follow me to an the photo assignment my boss asked me to take him with me on. I was only a little anxious and depressed about it during my vacation because I had never heard of this person and didn't know anything about his work, but I did vocalize my anxieties (through tears) about having someone being able to walk in one day and be sitting at my desk doing my job the next day. When I got back from vacation and I saw his beautiful photos on the front page with the use of lighting techniques I have yet to successfully master....well i nearly fell apart right there. Had it not been a busy day of playing catch up for me (and me not worrying so much about proving to everyone how much I can get done in a day) then I would have called my therapist right then and gone in for a tearful session. (luckily, I had fixed myself up that day and sat in my car during my lunch hour taking self-portriats which resulted in some beautiful and very unique and original close up shots that made me feel better about myself. Sounds silly, i know, but since i'm overweight i only take close-up shots of my eyes and such and it's the only way I can feel beautiful and that's a first for me. I didn't it would have the theaputic affect that it did, but I also didn't expect to come up with the creative shots that I did, so it got my photo juices raring to go and I focused on that for the rest of the day...and once i posted them on my photo-hosting site and started getting positive feedback from people....well that just helped even more.

Back to the part-timer...a part of me is VERY glad to have him on staff because i get motivated when working with more than one photographer on staff. In fact, one photojournalist in college when I was very early into taking picture was of the same caliber in talent and is perhaps what helped me the most in wanting to become such a great photographer. I hate to use the term competition, because it really isn't, but it is. Make any sense? Basically, when i'm working with someone I know is better or more experienced than me...i try to match what they are able to do...not to be better than them i don't think, but to learn from them and increase the quality of my work all-together. And it seems perfect timing for this person to come on board because i was getting so laxed and lazy and bored with the type of assignments we usually have to shoot. Being back all last week...i found myself enjoying my daily assignment more and looking a little harder to find "the" shot that could really get people's attention in the paper the next day.

So....while i know this will be good for me (and the paper)....it still is reeking havoc on my anxiety and self esteem.

Although part of me feels like maybe this is one of life's cues that I should start looking to move onto a bigger paper where I will have lots of other good photographers to look up to, not have so much pressure on my shoulders everyday and get to shoot more of the variety of assignments I enjoy. (even before the anxieties of this new guy came along...i had found myself browsing the national job banks for openings at other paper even though i love the paper i'm at). Don't know...the jury is very much still out on this thought.

Originally Posted by historyteach

I've had pnemonia, and still cannot get rid of the cough. I'm still on cough syrup, antibiotics and inhalor and it just won't stop!
I'm also having shortness of breath, and that is causing panic like symptoms with a tight throat, (my version of panic attacks.)

yeah...this is how i feel pretty much everytime i'm sick. I'm a severe asthmatic with early-stage empasima and I honestly can't tell when i'm haveing shortness of breath b/c of that or b/c of my asthma and sick lungs.

Originally Posted by historyteach

On the other hand, our emotional state can also influence our physical well being. Having had surgery, dealing with the tenant from hell and moving back to my house while dealing with my sick mom and working full time while taking three classes certainly didn't help. I woulnd't be surprised to find out I got sick with pnemonia as my body's way of saying "Slow DOWN!" LOL!

yes...i was just talking about this to my mom yesterday. After my first major depression I stayed sick with an on-going, non-responsive to antibotics, sinus infection and bronchitus...for a year. Then every winter it would come back for several months. I had been illness free the year or two before my last major depression. But, i now know that the major depressions zap my immune system so bad that it's just super hard for my body to fight off the infections. So I know the "why" and I know that I will most likely struggle with this weakened immune system for at least the next 2-3 years, but the good thing is the understanding it part...and knowing that vitamins and trying to keep them from coming on is my best defense.

The anti-ds don't work much for me so I just try not to go that route any more if I don't have to. I did take a round with this junk a month or two ago b/c it had gotton that bad, but within a week of finishing the meds i felt this coming back on. And there's always the issue of not wanting to keep throwing antibiotics in my system because i will quickly build up an immunity to their affects and then they won't work at all when i really need them to.

So there's days with the sickness and everything else in my life where I feel I can't win and i'm tired of struggling, but I also know that there's nothing else to be done except hang in there and rid it all out.

And you make a good point about the pneumonia being the way of your body saying to "slow down". Really, I truely believe that's what the my major depressions are....forced rest for my mind and body (as I get hypomanic for a year or three before they hit and before both depressions I had been pushing myself really hard to accomplish everything I had in my mind that i wanted or believed I needed to accomplish.

What's amazing to me is that there is so much information out there about how our emotions and mental health affects our bodies and immune systems (and vice-versa) and yet so many people still can't understand or accept that depression and bipolar disorder are just as much a physical illness as diabetis or cancer!

Wow...i bet that was much more of a response than you were looking for....i guess i'm making up for the lost time that i haven't been spending here on SR as of late.



Thanks for your post and just for being you Teach!

[shutterbug]

Part of the following was response to a pm i sent earlier, but it discusses several things that have been on my mind lately about the difficulties i've been facing with a growing craving to gamble so i wanted to post it in-part here in my journal. I hope the recipient of my orginal message doesn't mind.

--
I know all-to-well the horrors of major depression and not being able to do even the simplest of things ...and even when having to really push to do something as minor as a load of laundry or mailing off a utility bill...it is totally mentally or physically exhausting. These types of depression can be near-totally disabling....and i wish more people in the world could understand this without stero-typical judgements.

There are mainly 2 types of bipolars (bipolar I and bipolar II) I get them mixed up due to my ADD, but one is where the person struggles mostly with mania and the other is where they struggle mostly with depression. I am the latter. I have rarely been truely manic, but I have a lot of hypomanias (lessor form and mainly just feel good and really alert and need less sleep), but i'm also a rapid cycler so i can be sitting at my desk and get so depressed that I have to hold back the tears (or can't even sometimes) and then an hour or two later i'm fine).

Most bipolars in my same catagory don't realize that what they are experiencing is hypomanias. We just feel good and actually feel like doing the things that we couldn't when depressed. We tend not to question it b/c we are so glad not to be experiencing the depression and for the most part we just think we are feeling like our normal selves again.

I was hypomanic in college for a year and a half and hadn't a clue back then that that was what I had experienced. And then again about 3-4 years later I went back into a consistent hypomanic state for about 2 and a half years - still unaware.

Both times I thought I was just more motivated than other people and had more interests in my life to do and that I just had the ability to push myself to get all those things done rather than get a good nights sleep. I accomplished a lot during those episodes...usually the equalvalant of 2 full-time employees doing the same job.

But....as I was to learn...there was hell to pay as a result of that increased activity. Both episodes were followed by deep, major depressions. The first depression lasting about a year and this last one about 2 and a half years. (for those who don't already know...bipolar disorder is a progressive illness if untreated...so hence the second being twice as bad and long as the first major depression). I didn't discover i was bipolar and that there was a bigger issue going on besides the depression until i was already in the second major depression.

I lost so much of my life through dealing with ignorant doctors and being mis-diagnosed over and over....so its kinda my thing to try and educate others so hopefully anyone else out there like me can get a correct diagnosis without loosing any more than they already have.

As you may already know..addiction and mental illness are passed through generations most of the time...and with 60-80 percent of bipolars being addicts...well... most addicts also have mental health issues beyond what they know or realize.

It's actually surprizing to me that addiction support groups like AA and NA don't include education efforts about mental illness...since most bipolars and others have a much harder time staying sober if not properly diagnosed and treated (since most addictions start as a way of semi-unconscous self-medication).

I need to point out that when i talk to anyone here on SR about bipolar disorder and the connects to addiction and depression that i'm not trying to convince anyone that they might be bipolar or anything...I'm just passing along what I know of situations where depression and addiction are involved. Creating awareness if you will.

yeah i've done the med clinic thing where I spent 5 days a week, 7 hours a day, in a group setting and in educational classes...for about 3 months in all (as long as my health insurance would pay for it before and after being fired from my job from the major depressive episode symptoms).

Now i'm at a great job now (though still dealing with some residual affects of my old boss knowing about my bipolar disorder and discriminating against me since I work in a field that is fairly small and where if successful, or believed to have caused problems, the main players become aware of you and your past and can sometimes hold it against you.) But I am still blessed to be at the paper i'm with now and would have a hard time asking for better.

Right now...my main problems are financial and include a growing addiction to gambling that is scaring me really badly as the weeks go by and i'm still doing it. I feel stupid for knowing as much as I do about addiction and mental health and yet....here i am...in the midst of an addiction i thought i'd never have to deal with and struggling to shake myself away from it. I am truely scared. One of the big problems I see is that I have no motivation to get involved in a gamblers support group or anything. I started off this whole self-awarness/improvement journey with a commitment to Alanon to help me recover from my severe codie ways with alcoholics. I threw myself into it...and it led to my bipolar diagnosis and I then threw myself also into learning how to cope with my mental illness as well. I'm not ready to take on another fight...i'm still fighting with the codie and bipolar stuff.

I recognize that I know better though and that's what makes it doubly stupid of me to continue fooling myself into thinking I can handle it...but i suppose that's the nature of addiction to begin with...it overrides our intellegence and 'know-better'.

I've not talked about this much with anyone yet, only a few and only a slight mention in my last year's journal toward the end. I believe a large part of the gambling has roots in my self-esteem issues and in not having much in my life by way of close relationships to foster - primarily a significant other. So i have lots of free evening and weekend time on my hands (and usually not much physical or mental energy left after work to do the life things at home I would want or need to do).

My last relationship was with the late-stage alcoholic who resulted in my finding Alanon. So I don't regret it at all, but knowing what I do now it has me scared of relationships and the person i become when in one. And it's not like guys have been knocking down my door or anything since i'm over-weight and most people have a hard time looking past that... even though i'm not morbidly obese or ugly in the general sense of the word. I've become SO much aware of guys being nice to me these days that i'm constantly trying to decide if they are just being nice or interested. And that has actually become a mental annoyance for me....does he, doesn't he...maybe, mayble not...what if he does, what if he doesn't...why, why not?

I have a new group of friends where most are married or in long-term relationships except for the one person I knew previously from school years ago. And at first i thought he was interested, but over several months ive come to mostly accept that he's just not (as opposed to me just thinking he was shy about girls).

So I spend my time working and with family and working on outside projects that are along my career lines. The casinos provides escape from so much i suppose. When i'm gambling...i don't think about my loneliness or longing for closeness or my depressions or work or anything...i just gamble...waiting for the machine to hit so I can go home feeling good about my life or at least what's in my pocket. Problem being that the machines rarely hit and when they do.... i play it back and end up going home with lossing an amount that I would have been thrilled to have won! So 99 percent of the time i feel worse after a trip to the casino...yet i'm still drawn to it. A lot of that doesn't make sense to me...yet it just dawned on me that that feeling is a familiar one that I dealt with when i was in toxic relationships - a lot of giving on my part and rarely an giving coming my way...and a lot of feeling bad about myself. So perhaps the gambling is creating a feeling inside like that of reconnecting with a toxic old friend.

So perhaps i've currently replaced my codie relationships with a codie-like gambling problem.

I don't know that i'm making any kind of point with all this rambling...i just know that I sat down at the computer tonight wanting to write about what's been going on with me and this issue.

I have yet to make any med changes....i need to go to the gen doc for another bad sinus infection, but even that creates money issues since i switched my health plan to one that i'm going to have to pay cash for most everything this month and next so that i won't have to pay hardly anything for the rest of the year.

paying off an old $400 bill to my psych doc is hendering me from going to see even him for my mental health issues...but i've finally at least starting sitting down with my finances several times a month and making an effort to improve my debts (something i just couldn't handle doing when depressed). So if my plans work out then by this time next month or the month after I will be on a good path with docs and them regularly monitoring my meds and health.

anyway....thanks for listening to my ramblings. I would enjoy reading any and all imput you may have since I know I can't fix this on my own and for some reason i'm not feeling comfident in my regular therapist to significantly help me with this particular issue.

Hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

oh...and I wanted to say a special shout-out to Liveweyered who i've been seriously missing her presence around here. I think about you all the time dear friend and i hope hubby got the cards i sent and that he had the best birthday ever! Not seeing your screen name around anymore is just dreadful...i super duper hope you get a puter soon!!!!

GIANT HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



---
on a personaly note....if me writing more here at SR in one sitting than i've probably written in all of the combined last several months isn't a sign that i really am hypomanic then i don't know what is. My mind is working in top shape and clarity Too bad this is a semi-bad thing But i feel better about having put all these thoughts in my head down into my journal...that i know will help me in my future...and i've fixing to make myself go home and go to bed.... but that's just no fun at all....lol

[historyteach]

What's amazing to me is that there is so much information out there about how our emotions and mental health affects our bodies and immune systems (and vice-versa) and yet so many people still can't understand or accept that depression and bipolar disorder are just as much a physical illness as diabetis or cancer!

Denial. It's a way of "protecting" themselves. It won't happen to them or those they love if they don't know about it, right?

Thanks for your shares. You pass on much important information!

Shalom!

[KatieRose]

Jenna,

I'm always around, just a lot going on right now.

KatieRose

[shutterbug]

Thanks Teach....and btw...and love your trademark smile Don't take Ten Chips money or anything in return for not using it )

It's all good...

Katie...thank you ...and take care of yourself!

Hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

well the last couple of days have been more difficult that average....something i anticipated as a regular aftermath of the hypomania, but yesterday everythings seemed to get dumped on me all at once.

I only got 4 hours sleep going into work...not b/c of hypomania, but because I had so much to do and couldn't risk being late again to a weekly morning meeting...so i forced myself up (which is typically easier for me to do if I do it around the 4 hours of sleep mark).

The day started out pretty good, but quickly went downward for most in the newsroom, but too many things going on with me right now and it was a MAJOR situation for me.

By the end of the day I was in a state of near- uncontrollable crying.

This, i know, was brought on by many factors including: being so sick that my sinuses and lungs are bleeding again, my natural bipolar response to going on less sleep from the week prior of the hypomania, the severe self-esteem blows from the newly hired photographer who can kick by butt all over the paper with one hand, being off my Wellbutrin for about half a month due to an insurance change and not having $200 a month to dish out for it right now...and a ton of other factors including being shorthanded in the newsroom since our graphic designer/page layout person took a job elsewhere and a replacement hasn't been found.....AND annual journalism contest deadlines falling all around us this month that require so much mental energy for me to enter.

I also hadn't realized that the Wellbutrin had been helping my AD/HD...and my issues with that have been growing rapidly out of control the longer i'm off the wellbutrin. (luckily i found so great AD/HD info sites online and a monthly support group locally that is meeting Monday evening.

I haven't been able to use my sleep apnea machine much this week because of my nose being so stopped up from th sinus infection....and that's a disaster in and of itself.

Today I woke up in pain all over and unable to stay awake very long....even though it was noon and I was hungry and my bladder was alerting me. I fought it for a while and tried to stay awake and get up, but I finally succumbed and the next time i woke it was 4:30 p.m. and the phone was ringing.

i'm a mess right now, but thankful that it mostly feels physical today. Last night was horrible as I was driving home and unable to stop crying and was needing support from somewhere, but didn't know where to find it. I ended up going and gambling the emotions away for about 4 hours and $45 until i was so tired i could hardly keep my eyes open.

But crumbling is how i feel...and thankful for it being the weekend. My boss pulled something yesterday which was the final blow that set off the uncontrollable depressive crying spell. He sent out an e-mail to the reporters and myself that he was upset and frankly "pissed" about there not being much going for the next day's paper....including no photos. He even said something like "why am i now paying 2 photographers in 2 cities?" "I could just fire them both and hire an artist to sketch mug shots instead". He wrapped up the e-mail telling us to get all "weird" on him because he likes all of us and that he thinks we're all too talented not to be producing more.

I didn't handle it well and telling me not to get weird when my boss mentions firing me is like telling the leaning tower not to lean!! Intellectually, i know that most of this came from him having his own personal issues that i could tell all week he had going on behind the work scene, but with the place i was already in and how hard i had been busting my butt yesterday (and still not getting 1/2 of what i needed done) and having worked 12 hours straight the day before by covering a self-assigned evening event so that we would have images to go with a near future story....well....too many emotions and feeling sfrom past wounds came exploding up and I couldn't handle it.

i'm long-since rambling here...so....The end.

[shutterbug]

welll...hummm....i disovered just how much my Welbutrin was helping me (by being off of it for a month). I became a mess. I didn't realize that it was really helping me at all...and i especially didnt realize that it was keeping my ADHD tamed!!!

Boy....it's been impulse, no concentration, easily bored and no memory CITY!! I think the holidays and also my time of the month added to how bad things have been, but i believe the majority of me being so out-of-whack was by not being on the Welbutrin. So thankfully i got my health savings account card in the mail and am able to use it to pay for my meds each month. So i'm back on the Wellies as of today ))))

Things are looking up (not just because of that) but things are slowing back down a tad at work. I was able to actually breathe a few times this week. And i'm SO looking forward to the end of the month when i'm going off on a weekend trip with my new group of friends and a guy i've been trying to figure out for many months now. I've still set my mind to deciding he's not into me...but he at least likes hanging around me enough to keep inviting me along...and his friends (who are all paired up already) inviting me to come around too. So i wish i could still stop thinking about it all together, but hey...when you've not had a relationship in this long...it's a bit hard...even for a non-codie!

[shutterbug]

sorry for being MIA for such a long while...been busy with so much photography both inside and outside of work and just getting through each day.

I'm doing okay today and was yesterday, but until then had been have some pretty rough patches. My body still hasn't leveled back out from being off the Welbutrin for a month and my paranioa seems to be increasing. Social anxiety issues abound as do low-self-worth issues.

Today I woke up in a similar way as many of the days when i was back in my old toxic job and going through the major depressive episode. I nearly started crying as soon as I woke up. Luckily, I work with great people and my lateness to a meeting provided a bit of laughter and fun (they had a little pool going as to how late I would be this week -- i was later than usual and all had way under guessed...it was fun and took away the anxiety from my sever over-sleeping) rather than a wrecked day that would have followed the harch chewing out at the old job.

An out-of-town trip a couple of weekends ago still has me frazzled. I was the odd man out in the group and my mind went outta control all weekend about the rest not liking me or me sayings something someone wouldn't like and ...all that stupid junk.

I still think about Live Weyered quite often and wonder how she's doing. I continue to miss her friendship and guidence and affirmations and smiles. I still have a whole box of goodies I put together months and months ago, but never could get my ADHD self to do the small details it takes to actually mail a box. Now...I no longer have her address. I hope she is doing well and that I/we hear from her again...and i hope her husband got the birthday cards I sent...and perhaps I can find what I did with that address soon so I could send the box to her.

my photography (in the non-journalism realm) is growing and leaps and bounds by small touches and treatments I've been picking up. I'm actually surprizing myself quite a bit these days...and i am ancy at work because of it (wanting to be doing the 'pretty' photography more right now than the documenting life stuff).

Men....still no significant other in my life. And i've gone past my wafflings about wanting a relationship or not...to now thinking about it all the time. I keep going back to thoughts about an old acquaintence, but then keep re-realizing he is showing NO interest in anything more than a very casual friendship/working relationship. There is a guy at work in another department who keeps me smiling and laughing these days and who I pretty much just melt at the site of, but he is a big flirt with everyone so I don't think it's any different with me....i'm just hoping it MIGHT be...as i have found myself really, really interested in him...and he does seem response....AND single.

I'm also proud of myself because there have been 2 guys in the past week (one i knew casually way back as a teenager who still lives in my town and the other being another photographer i've only talked to online) who have given openings for me to get some emotional involvement going and I've seen through both and backed off. The one close is newly divorced and lonely.....bad combo for me. The other is overly friendly and complimenting and after only talking several times over a couple of days....sent me his phone number and all that jazz. He's a talented photographer who seems sweet, but i've been able to pick up on some very subtle clues that this guy is not a healthy person for me to chose to start photo conversing with. Not that i think there's any danger...other than me getting wrapped up in a bad relationship that could never work and that I would come out wishing i'd never called him. So....casual friends is how it will stay.

Why am i proud for seeing what many reading this could see as the obvious....because it's still not obvious to me as my relationship wiring is still muddied and 2-3 years ago i would have jumped at calling this guy and I would have jumped thru the 2 windows the local guy left open for us to get together. So me forseeing the WHY those things would be bad ideas....a BIG step for me....espcially with me being so lonely these days and having been alone for a couple years now.

Also....this past week i finally came up with a great 'hook' for my first book...complete with title and many of the names of the chapters to match and it's something very catchy that I think i can really make work. It actually started with song lyrics that i made up while driving one day. And it could be a good song too...if i ever made myself keep up with it until it's a complete and finished song from beginning to end. And I even have some leads on a song writer who lives locally that has written for a well known country singer and could be a way 'in' - if that makes sense.

Boy...i sound manicy again, but really...ti's been a mixed bag lately, wih a lot more downs than ups, but i continue looking forward no matter what.

Hope it stays that way,
Hugs,
Jenna

[KatieRose]

Jenna,

I'm here if you need me. Check your email when you get a chance.

[shutterbug]

katie....I didn't get an e-mail from you...stupid yahoo probably filed it into my spam folder. It keeps doing that to me and there's so much to go thru that I rarely look at any of them. Please re-send it if you have it dear. I hope all is well with you.

Hugs!

[shutterbug]

life is still a mixed bag lately.

I've been craving coming back here to journal over the past several weeks, but i don't feel comfortable typing so much at work (as i am a photographer...so very little typing is involved...and therefore obvious when i'm doing something else.)

the good:
--> I picked up several 1st place awards at one of the annual contests this year - more than in past years combined (but i'm not that thrilled about it as I was competing in a much smaller class this year).
--> I found out this week that I will be published for the first time in a national magazine. I've been published in several national papers, but no magazines (that I have found out about anyway). So that's pretty cool.
--> AP has been offering me more string assignments...which is a good thing.
--> I've realized that the new photographer, the one much better than me right now, has off days too and that has helped me let go of some of the impossible expectations I have for myself.
--> My little cousin is back in high-school after dropping out...a VERY good thing.
--> For the last couple of weeks i've stuck with making myself eat a little breakfast..and have lost a few pounds too.
--> My photography is continuing to open up to me and develop into actual art...rather than just good photos for the paper, but that is still leaving me with a hard time concentrating on work stuff each day.

The bad:
I'm still gambling and getting more addicted...and it is starting to affect me physically as well as emotionally. My stomach has been a huge ball of nerves the past month...always naseus.
--> i've gotten at least 3 more cavities (on top of the 24 already) since my last visit to the dentist several months ago. And one is directly above the front bottom tooth that already needs a route canal and crown. The new one -- my mom actually noticed it when i was laughing the other day...which has made me even more self-conscious about my teeth. And had my sister half-joking about just having them all pulled and getting pretty/perfect dentures. BUT I'M ONLY 30!!

I still can't believe it or understand why. I mean, I was 24 before I even got my first cavity and just 6 years later and i've got that many cavities and need at least 4 more route canals!

--> I'm lonely...and scared of jumping into a relationship with the first guy who shows real interest and who has even a bit of anything going for him. Really scared.

--> The two editors are beyond noticing my paranoia. It's gotten bad with me constantly thinking people are talking about me (in a bad way...in that i've done something wrong or I suck or make their work more difficult). Today, i finally hooked a pair of headphones up to my computer so I could listen to music while I work on photos...in an effort to keep me tuned out to what other people are doing or saying. But...a LOT of people have been going into my bosses office lately and closing the door. That was a real rare thing for the first 9 months of my employment there...and i'm not sure what's up with that, but it obviously has me nervious/worried.
--> I'm still sick...fighting the same crap with my sinuses and lungs.
--> I still hate the shape my home is in and that I haven't moved 40 minutes closer to work yet...which is costing me not only in gas money, but also more time and mental anxiety. I hate driving...and even a short day at work feels like a long day in all because of the time on the road commuting.
--> Mom has seemed to increase her critical factor....constantly critising mostly in the tone of her voice and the constant questioning. It makes me want to scream.
--> Suicide -- that word has come to mind several time over the past weeks. Other than my job i feel i have very little going for me and i'm lonely and in debt and developing a serious gambling issue and am not likely to live another 10 years anyway (because of my smoking and what i've done to my asthmatic lungs) and being overweight and all that. Lonely though has been the biggest factor in those thoughts I think. That...and constantly worrying about my job and realizing that it could be gone tomorrow...and then i'd have nothing going for me again. And I just don't feel i could handle going thru that again.

[shutterbug]

so there's either a lot more bad going on with me right now....or I'm noticing the bad more than the good.

[Don W]

Hi shutterbug, The bad always gets our attention. Hope you fing peace. Don W

[angel08955]

hang in there jenna. i know how it feels at times to feel alone. i am feeling that right now. hope you get through this.

[shutterbug]

i am feeling better today...still lonely and stressed, but not so much depressed (plus I feel really good about having cleaned my house this weekend so that it looks better than it has in a REALLY long time!)

Hugs and lots of thanks you guys,
Jenna

[angelgirl]

Hey Jenna

It's been awhile eh? :o) You remember me? I would think maybe, but then my memory is so bad, that I wouldn't be suprised if others are as well.. LOL

Anyway., I don't know if you remember, but I suffer from pretty bad anxiety,
although it had gotten much better, I am struggling with it more again, and I had been MIA from the boards for quite a while, but I am back now, and I decided it's time for me to come check this forum out again, maybe I can get some more help, and hope from you all again :o) Which brought me to your thread, I am also diagnosed Bi-polar, and due to my ADD, (LOL) I can't remember which one, but it is the same one as you, and I have to tell you, this paragraph that you posted a while back describes me completely...

There are mainly 2 types of bipolars (bipolar I and bipolar II) I get them mixed up due to my ADD, but one is where the person struggles mostly with mania and the other is where they struggle mostly with depression. I am the latter. I have rarely been truely manic, but I have a lot of hypomanias (lessor form and mainly just feel good and really alert and need less sleep), but i'm also a rapid cycler so i can be sitting at my desk and get so depressed that I have to hold back the tears (or can't even sometimes) and then an hour or two later i'm fine).

My goodness, I could have written every single word of that paragraph,, that's for sure. I was extremely suprised, and although it's not funny, it made me smile to see that there is someone exactly like me out there. LOL.. The rapid cycler, the tears, the depression, the whole bit...

What kind of meds are you on these days, if you don't mind sharing? I don't mean to intrude in your personal business,, so if I am please just don't mind me.

I take a very small dose of Topamax 75mgs, that's it at this time for my Bi-polar, I know that's not much, but I have a new pysch doctor, and he is doing some med changes, but he is working very, very slowly with me. I have such anxiety when it comes to doctors, to the point of paranoia, and I know that is why he is working slowly with my med changes, I have been extremely resistant to change as far as meds. I had a severe reaction to a medication,
and since then, boy I have had real trouble with fear and meds. Funny coming from a drug addict who's DOC is pills. Well, I don't mean funny..

I also take .75mgs (or whatever the medical term for the dose is) of Ativan
a day for my anxiety. They make Ativan in 0.5 and I break them in half and take 3 (HALF's) a day. So I don't know how to say the proper medical dose term for that, I always say .75 .... Anyway, that is a benzo, and although I have been on one for years, and I have changed brands a couple times through out the years, pretty much stayed right around 1mg though, or less, but some people, and doctors don't like benzo's, so this doctor is going to ween me off the benzo, so he is switching me to a longer acting one, and to
1mg and I will only take it once at night, then I will begin to taper off that, but very, very slowly, even though it's not a large dose, I have been on it for years, so I need to go slow..

I also am on suboxone, for drug addiction. I am tapering off that. Also a very slow taper. I am at 2 3/4 mg right now. :o) I am doing very well with that. I am pretty proud of my progress with that..

So now that you know my life story, at least all my meds, LOL..

I hope to hear from you. I will check down here from time to time. I am not as regular as I used to be on the boards, but I will be checking.

Hope you have a great day..

God Bless,
Becky

[shutterbug]

I have to get some thoughts down before I reply to your lovely post Angelgirl...


------------------------

It's an understatement to say that L-O-V-E has been a constant in my brain lately. Here's what's been in my head for a few days now:

One month, I saw your glance and since can't take my eyes from you.

Two days, I felt your touch on my arm and since can't take my mind from you.

Three moments, I heard your voice laughing with me and now I can't keep my heart from you.

Four days, I've wondered how much more I'm creating of you than what's really there.

Five days, I've wanted to scream, "Just ask me out already!"

--------------------

So, Okay...i've been intrequed/interested/attracted to several different guys over the past several months...none of which went anywhere. This guy...well, I noticed him about 10 months ago. He works in my same office and it was an after hours event I was covering for the paper...and for some reason...our eyes met and that was the first time I actually 'noticed' him. (as mentioned in the poem above). Since then my attraction to him has very slowly developed and I am now near complete infatuation. Now, when I see him (it sounds cheesy, but) I seem to lose my breath for a moment. If I could look at him all day without being obvious to him or anyone else...then I would.

I haven't been this completely attracted to a guy in a really long time. And unlike the last guy I was trying to figure out if there was any receprication...with this one...it seems there is.

It's almost like I can 'feel' him noticing me. (Again, i know all this sounds corny, but when you've felt as lonely as I have lately and haven't even had a kiss in a good 2 years and ...well...it's not corny to me).

But I still feel stupid, as usual. I don't know how to act, what to say and if by some chance i'm completely diluted in my thinking and he isn't attracted to me...then the last thing I would want is anyone in my office to find out how much i like him. How totally embarrasing.

As I write all this...i'm sad...depressed...whatever.

Today, I attended a wedding of the dearest, sweetest girl I've ever known...and yes...it AND their relationship is true storybook. She is a princess and he is her knight. And i feel lucky just to know such wonderful people.

But...it's hard to see someone's fairy-tale "ever after" ...and i'm sitting here wondering why this guy that seems he could be near-perfect for me...doesn't ask me out.

My brain is screaming out horribly, hurtful things about me...telling me i'm stupid, ugly, fat, boring, crazy, difficult, bitchy, grumpy, a stinky smoker and yes...a compulsive gambler. And THAT's why i'll never find my prince and that's why i'm always going to be miserable...and that's probably why some day i'll decide i've had enough and just end it.

Weekly..and often daily...people are telling me or others what a great photographer I am, but it rarely feels true or good to my ears. There is ALWAYS someone better than me. And always someone nearby -- not just someone in another town or state or whatever. All-in-all, i'm tired of not being special to anyone for anything. I want someone to pay attention to me just because. Perhaps that's why I feel so attracted to this guy at work....regardless of if he is attracted to me...he occationally gives me attention that's genuine. If I send him a sassy e-mail (or even a work related e-mail)...instead of replying back in an e-mail...he will either call me on my phone to sass me back or come from the other side of the building to my desk. The smallest of things he does or says makes me smile and laugh.

Why can't that be real? Why can't I have that in my life today, everyday and for the rest of my life?

My brain answers: Because I'm not worth it and I'm going to be dead in 10 years anyway. Yes...death also has been on my mind lately.

At the wedding reception tonight...there was a slide show of childhood pictures of the two playing all night. What was my thought???

I need to gather up some of my favorite childhood photos and put them into a slideshow in case i ever get married...or in case I die and then that way it will already be ready to play at my funeral!!!!

Yeah....crazy, crazyer, crazyest...that's me more than I want to deal with. I've become so increasingly nueratic lately that a week hasnt' gone by with out a co-worker telling me i'm paranoid. I'm tired. I'm over-worked. I'm depressingly manic quite a bit lately it seems. A world torn in two is so much more caotic than one that just flips back and forth.

Anyway...enough rambling for now. Lord please help me gather up some kind of self-esteem, self-love and self-assurance...from SOMEWHERE SOON.

[shutterbug]

Angelgirl, I remember your name and such, but you'll have to refresh me on what we talked about? My memory isn't just bad, it's truely problematic at times for me, but I remember talking to you quite a bit and reading your posts...just don't remember any of it.

It's interesting that you mention your anxiety...because I tend to forget that there is such a thing and that it's probably a big chunk of my issues lately. Anxiety is such an odd concept to me...I have difficulty defining it or what it feels like -- probably because it's been in my life for 30 years and I just grew up with it and so I don't think I know what it's like NOT to have anxiety. That probably doesn't make sense to anyone. Basically, I'm saying...I know I have a lot of anxiety..I just don't know what it is in relation to everything else that's wrong with my head and my thinking.

Thanks for your relating to my post. I actually think there are a whole lot more out there in the world like you and I, but since they enjoy the hypomanias and they can explain away depression as a fact of life...many will never realize.

There was a lady in my office yesterday who I really like, but yesterday she made my life a living hell and I kept telling her over and over and over that she needed to slow down and lay off because she was overwhelming me....she didn't do either. She was clearly (to me) in some form of mania. Now...she's at least 50 and I guarentee you if I sat down and talked to her out of concern and with the sincerest of hearts to help her...she would end up resenting me for trying to tell her she might be "bipolar"

I've ran into that over and over and over...so I know there are more of us out there that we will ever know. And it is ALWAYS good to find people who know they are like us and who are struggling to overcome the same kind of issues. It makes the struggle a little more tolerable.

[shutterbug]

The meds i'm on these days?

Wellbutrin 300 mg and Effexor 150 mg (both extended release).

I haven't been to a psychiatrist for a med evaluation in over a year. For the main reason of a pre-existing condition clause in my insurance ...and owing a past-due amount of about $400 to my pdoc. But...i'm going to HAVE to get myself into one soon...to try to get some help with my paranoia and anxiety. And eventually get back on a mood stabalizer.

I too have developed fear of med changes. It wasn't planned but about a year and a half ago I stopped taking a mood stablizer (as it was making me too sick to even stand and my stupid "state appointed" doctor didn't care to bother with changing me to something else). But, it was ONLY then that I started coming out of the major depressive episode. It was still a slow climb, and it could have been coincidental, but it has made me afraid to go back on a mood stablizer. And for the paranoia, before I was put on Seraquel, which had me craving tons of chocolate and sugar -- so much that in just a few months of being on it and a blood test falsly showed me being a diabetic!! And my body reacted like that of a diabetic for several months even after being off the Seraquel. So no thanks on going back to that one for paranoia.

Anyway...i'm going to go for now...i'm still feeling depressed and feel a strong desire to go shopping (even though i've only got $10 in my checking account at the moment)...i guess bounced checks doesnt' feel as bad as the little bit of endorphins I get from buying things I don't need that just clutter up my already pack-rat-hotel of a house.

sorry for my mood,
Jenna

[angelgirl]

I don't have a whole lot of time right now,, but I just wanted to tell you that although I used to talk to you, and my memory is terrible, but I do remember talking to you alot, but I don't remember what about either. I am sure it was probably mainly about meds, and anxiety,, probably some bi-polar too..
Anyway, for now what I do want to say to you after reading your last post again, I can't remember relating to someone so much.. Now I know why I liked you so much.. Gosh, we are really, really alot alike,...

I'll type more when I have more time.. I have been in one of those moods too, and I haven't really felt like being around much lately.. But it's really great to have you to talk to again..

Thank you..
Prayers,
Becky

[IO Storm]

Hello.

I just came on this site after many months and have been catching up with my fellows in AA/NA.

I was diagnosed with BIP/Type I in June. I am tired right now (partly due to Depakote /Seroquel/Trazodone), but am anxious(lol.) to share and learn more aout this disorder.

I will logon later.

Love,

IO Storm