_Doll’s Damn-Near Daily Ditty_

[PaperDolls]

So - I thought I'd start writing again. I've been doing some at home but I don't think it's as well thought out when I hand-write it. My journal, totally, doesn't have spell check!

I've recently gotten a new therapist who is also an RN which is nice because she has knowledge about meds. She works directly with my Pdoc, sharing notes and opinions. I really like her -- she's a no BS kind of chick, they way I like to think of myself. She's been trying to beat into my head that depression is a mental disorder and that I can get better once the meds are right. I'm so tired of trying to get the meds right.

I'm really feeling lately that may be I'm just lazy ...... I'm a procrastinator, and just don't want to do anything. She says it's the depression and she is very sure I am bipolar. I've got a new appt. with the Pdoc this week to talk about a mood stabilizer along with my anti-depressant.

I know my partner, "C", is going insane with all of this. She sometimes thinks I should just get off all the meds because I "was fine before them". That's not exactly true but I understand how she feels. I tend to keep my depressed feelings to myself because I know she's tired of hearing about my "health". It's all overwhelming to her and she just wants the "old me" back. Hell, so do I!

That's all my brain can process right now.

[BSPGirl]

Eh dump your current nurse & dr. I'm with your partner on this one, really.

Marte

[frstnm]

Im going to for the non medication if possible. I havent even finished detoxing and I want to be off the meds.....
Helps that my insurance is going into the can...........

[PaperDolls]

I like my new nurse and Dr. Marte! I was leaning toward the non-med thing but I just don't think I can do it. I don't have any energy. I can't sleep. I don't do anything productive and when I do I'm like a chicken with my head cut-off. I have to pretend to be happy all the time. It's tiresome. I just think right now I need the meds. Hopefully not forever..........I really hope not.....but I'm not me right now. I know this is wrong to say -- and I usually correct people when they say it -- but "normal" I just want to be "normal".

[BSPGirl]

Originally Posted by PaperDolls

I like my new nurse and Dr. Marte! I was leaning toward the non-med thing but I just don't think I can do it. I don't have any energy. I can't sleep. I don't do anything productive and when I do I'm like a chicken with my head cut-off. I have to pretend to be happy all the time. It's tiresome. I just think right now I need the meds. Hopefully not forever..........I really hope not.....but I'm not me right now. I know this is wrong to say -- and I usually correct people when they say it -- but "normal" I just want to be "normal".

First you say you can't sleep then you say you have no energy, ehhhm? lol Other than that I think you're aiming too high with your goals, how about just trying to be content? It can be done, without meds. It even works better without meds. You don't have to pretend to be happy all the time, that's where you go wrong. Now your nurse & dr might wanna talk about that instead of writing out prescriptions...

Marte

[PaperDolls]

This is going to be short -- just saw the Pdoc. He's not comfortable with diagnosing me with Bipolar. He said "it's sort of like buying a tube a tooth paste, it's really easy to squeeze everything out of it but it's very hard to get it back in."
Got that?

So -- he's given me Zyprexa to take at night instead of the Lunesta. It is not a sleeping pill but it has a sedating effect. We'll see what happens.

I haven't had a chance to read about this new drug yet so if any of you have taken it and have comments for me.........comment.

doll

P.S. Hi Marte. Just bare with me here, will ya?! Yeah, the pretend happy thing.......something I need to work on. Just talked to the nurse lady about that last week. She told me to "stop it!". I'm trying the meds for now......and content? Not possible right now. I think my goals are pretty low actually. Make it to work on time. Get a good nights sleep. Eat right.
Right now, all impossible and overwhelming to me.

Mwaaaah!

[BSPGirl]

Zyprexa is quite nasty. Look here for more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zyprexa

Just talked to the nurse lady about that last week. She told me to
"stop it!".

It'd be nice if the nurse lady had any tools to stop it...I assume she did mention some?

and content? Not possible right now.

NOTHING is ever impossible, you are just surrounded by too many crappy ppl you put your trust in (logically, a profesional is someone you'd say you trust).

Marte

[frstnm]

I am pretty leary of "diagnosis" and a lable following me around for the rest of my life
we may think it wont happen but it does - legal, ethical or fair - it happens
I am also leary of medications as I have been on some and had bad side effects and trouble getting off
all the best !
happy happy
frstnm

[PaperDolls]

Yo!

A quick update: the zyprexa is working wonderful for me. I feel like it's a new me almost. I'm not completely sure what others around me have noticed but I can feel it, without a doubt.

I finally started working out again and I'm liking it. I often with there were more hours in the day but don't seem to get so stressed out any more. I'm even sleeping better, have more energy, and don't have to take a nap (although I do love a good nap).

Hope all is well with everyone.

Happy New Year!
doll

[PaperDolls]

So far, today is a good day. Yesterday wasn’t.

I’m not sure if I’m feeling so crappy and bad about myself because I’m off the Effexor or if it’s because I’m still getting over the withdrawal crap.

What I do know is that I feel like a lazy, fat, slob wasting my life away. I don’t have anything good to show or any great accomplishments I’ve made. It feels like everything I do, no matter how small, takes so much effort. I really wonder if I just latched onto this “depression” diagnosis because I’d rather have depression than realize I’m just a lazy person. I know people around me think that and I don’t blame them. I spend so much time trying to appear normal and happy and apparently I’m convincing.

When I do have a bad day, for the most part, only my Boss or C see it. B has told me on several occasions things like “You’re the happiest person I know.”, “You don’t seem depressed to me.” C has spent some time not believing it I know – sometimes she thinks psychology et. Al. is baloney. She doesn’t want me feeding into a diagnosis I’m given. I agree to some point … I know that some doctor’s are better than others and that it’s very difficult to get a correct diagnosis and a doctor that is “on your side” as far as treatment options.

At the moment, she thinks I that counseling won't do anymore good. That I've done everything I can do try to get better and I should go to a hospital. For one, that scares the crap out of me......and for two, I don't even know how do go about doing that.

If I find a doc I like and agree with, she’s afraid I’d have an excuse (for my laziness). Some times I think she understands what’s going on but she’s so fed up with all of it, she doesn’t know what to do or what to say. She just knows she can’t change me. I can feel a wall between us often. Sometimes I think she’d be better off without me in her life…..I’m just bringing her down. Some days I’m angry at her because I want more support from her. I don’t even know what I need her to do for me; I know she can’t fix it. I think I just want some compassion. Or, if I feel like I had a good productive day – I want her to agree with me even if it wouldn’t have been a productive day to her.

Most days I wonder why I can’t just get better. I have the knowledge. I know I should eat right. I know I should get exercise. I know I shouldn’t take things personally. I know I should get enough sleep. I just don’t do it – for lots of reasons. Sometimes it's just because I don’t want to take the energy, sometimes because I don’t have the energy, sometimes because I’m just too tired, and very possibly because I’m just like this.

Why can other people get up on time? Why can other people work their butt off and lose the weight? Why can other people do it and I can’t? What the hell is wrong with me? I’m tired and sad and mad and angry. Just all of the thinking can drain me for the day.

Lately I’ve really started to notice a difference in my quality of work. Not just the being late thing, that’s an on-going thing. But my quality of work is not what it used to be. I can’t keep up sometimes. I can’t concentrate or keep things straight or even remember things. And then, often times, I have to take a nap at lunch time just to make it though the afternoon.

C has been worried for some time that I could lose my job. Up until very recently I wasn’t – I’m starting to wonder now. I’m paid too much to only be able to give 10 percent of myself.

I just don’t know what my next step should be. I got off of the Effexor for a couple of reasons. First, I wanted to see how I’d do without it. Secondly, when I tried getting off of it I had such a horrible time and went back on. I became angry that I HAD to be on this drug just to function correctly, angry at the maker of the drug. So now, I’m off the Effexor with the help of Prozac (which, by the way pisses me off too!). I only took the Prozac daily for one week to help and will now start taking it every other day. Hopefully I’ll be off within the week.

As for my next step, I think if I can find the right therapist, that will make a huge difference. I’d like to try getting better without prescription drugs. I realize some people can’t do that but I want to give it a try.

From a therapist, I feel like I need a lot of help. Like I said before, I think I have the knowledge but it’s the motivation or the energy or the….something......I cannot manage to find with in me. I’ve been told by so, so many people: “You just have to make yourself do it.” I tear up with I hear that, in fact, as I typed it I got a lump in my throat.

My response to “You just have to make yourself do it” is “NO ****!! But how?!” I can’t find it in me. May be this is just me. This is just how I am. I feel like so weak.

It takes so much some days just to get to work. So I’m here at work, now what? Try to work hard……ok, so work is over. I’ve got to drive home, eat some food, do some laundry, hopefully spend some time with C, get some exercise in and get to bed at a decent time so I can drag my ass out of bed and do it all over again!? Then I wonder – what room do I have to complain? There are tons of people that have it worse than me, people that not only have to take care of themselves but their children too. I can’t even take care of myself. I tell myself to stop bitching, quit whining, suck it up, and get over it. So, lots of days that’s just what I do. Then, wham, I’ll have a bad day. I guess because I let it all build up.

I’m tired of all of it. I’m tired of complaining. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tried of trying to figure it out. I just want to get better.

[PaperDolls]

I guess no one reads this thread any more.

[historyteach]

Hi, paper dolls!
I just got home from work.
I'm sorry to see that you're not doing well, again. seems in January, taking the meds, you were doing well. Today, off the meds, you're back in the dumps again.

What's that telling ya?

Sometimes, we have to stop listening to what others are saying. We need to listen to that still small voice inside. What's your voice telling you about the above facts?

We're here. We're listening to you. And we're here for you.
Please let us know how it's going....

Shalom!

[PaperDolls]

Thanks for the reply teach.....I need it.

I think I know about the meds.....but really, I don't know if I'm just actually still depressed (again) or jut trying to get the meds out of my system. I really don't want to have to be on meds forever. If I have to I will. But, never, ever again will I take Effexor and I'm going to be careful what I will take.

I'm tired of being some pharmaceuticals company's guineas pig. This is my life they're messin' with.

I'm still being told -- I just need to realize what's not working and take control of my life. Blah! I wish I could.

I suppose I should see if my p-doc has any openings......or find a new one, I don't think I liked him. I do have an appointment next week with a new counselor. I thought I'd just start there first. I don't know. It's so frustrating.

[una_brinne]

OMG...yeah I've been there...I've gone through so many pdoc's but they always tell me the same thing AND they do use me as a guinea pig it seems...but when I ask them about it they tell me that because of my 'conditions' it takes alot of time to find out the right combo of drugs...ARGGGGGG! I've been on Zoloft (made me wanna kill my ex hubby); Prozac; Well-Butrin; Paxil; etc.....nearly all of them I think - finally I've been on Cymbalta and Lamictil for almost a year and it seems to work well - but then because of being bipolar I've been on Seroquel; Geodone; Risperdal - I'm on 1000 mgs of Seroquel at the moment but I keep wondering if it's going to eternally go up - I started at 100 mg and back then if I'd taken 1000 mg it would have put me into a comatose(sp*) state! I also take Straterra for ADHD - BLEH!

My hubby didn't like the fact that I had to take all of those^^ drugs at first, in fact he was more open to the fact that I drank all of the time - and until recently - he wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I had a problem with alcohol at all. He has totally changed his thinking tho -- FINALLY! And he supports me....until last month I was sober (95 days total - I started on New Years) and he can now see the difference in me. Being sober and on my meds compared with me being drunk at least 3 times a week and taking my meds only every other day - he has been through both with me and he now knows that me being sober is best. My relapse was caused by a few things but I can say that I know the signs to watch out for so as to avoid that situation again. I have gained 80 pounds since I was diagnosed and put on meds for bipolar/OCD and ADHD ... NOT cool because right after divorcing my first hubby years ago I lost 100 pounds...I told the pdoc that I was even more depressed now because of all of the weight gain that the med's caused...it's like you can't win for losing. But I now have a years membership at Curve's and my hubby is going to be taking me so that I will actually DO it...I've had the membership for 2 months and never gone once....I asked him to please help me with being motivated enough to go...and once again his support is what has helped me in doing the things that I must. I always feel guilty about all of the extra effort that he's been putting into 'helping' me ... but he tells me that he wants me to get better, so he'll do anything. I've only been sober for 2 days this week...but after this last weekend I know that I'm not completely alone in my fight. I'm not trying to brag about things...I'm actually quite amazed with him I never thought a man would go so far to help (past relationships weren't so good at all)...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes our partners and other that are around us don't realize exactly what we are going through...they can't because they aren't 'us' ... getting through to someone is hard and getting them to REALLY listen is even harder ... but sometimes once you can get through to them they can help you see it yourself...I spend so much time 'telling' another about what's going on with me that I don't listen to what I'm saying and I don't treat myself the way that I'm trying to get that person to treat me....it's screwed up I know....but I think alot of ppl do the same thing.

If you've been given med's you shouldn't go off of them on your own - if I go off of Seroquel or Lamictal it will put me in the hospital (I know because I've done it before)...and if your therapist can't see you there is usually a crisis number to call and they will help you...they WILL get you in to see someone. Just today I called my pdoc's office and told them that I needed refills - well my doc wasn't there so they told me I would have to wait until tomorrow - WHAT? I told them that I can't miss - thinking to myself 'not NOW - when I'm trying to stop drinking!' - I will have to deal with being extremely manic today and tonight until I can get my med's tomorrow - and hopefully I'll make it through without wanting a drink to calm myself down - (sorry I'm blabbing on like a hyper crazy person) -
Try to get your partner to, at least, look at the same page that you're on - it isn't just you - there are many of us who are highly depressed and you CANNOT just snap out of it - I could have a drill seargent standing here screaming in my face to get my lazy bum up off this chair and do the dishes and the laundry - I'd just look at him and tell him where he could go! (I will be doing the dishes and the laundry - but it won't be an easy task *sigh*)

Anyway...I dunno if I've helped at all...I keep telling ppl that I'm new here and I hope that I haven't stepped on anyone's toes...I just see so much of myself in others - it actually is a bit of a relief to know that it's not only JUST me!

I hope you get that pdoc appt ASAP
Blessings
~H~

[PaperDolls]

Originally Posted by una_brinne

I've been on Zoloft (made me wanna kill my ex hubby); Prozac; Well-Butrin; Paxil; etc.....nearly all of them I think - finally I've been on Cymbalta and Lamictil for almost a year and it seems to work well - but then because of being bipolar I've been on Seroquel; Geodone; Risperdal - I'm on 1000 mgs of Seroquel at the moment but I keep wondering if it's going to eternally go up - I started at 100 mg and back then if I'd taken 1000 mg it would have put me into a comatose(sp*) state! I also take Straterra for ADHD - BLEH!

I've been on a lot of different things too. I can't even remember what all I've been on. And yes, I built a tolerance to the the Effexor (and some other one's too). I think it's normal.


C actually said to me one time: "I think it was better when you were just drinking". I couldn't believe she said that. I mean I understand why she said it and stuff but wow!

I pay for my gym membership every month! Don't use it but I pay it darn it.

C tried to help me and motivate me but I get very defensive with her. She's done trying to help me. I try not to get so witchy about stuff but I read between the lines too often. If she says, you better get to the gym, I think, "Well she thinks I'm a big, fat, lazy slob....she's right, I am.....what's the damn point?!" And then I get witchy and angry.

Thanks for the reply, it helped a lot.

[butterflylover]

I could relate too sooo much of your story. I'm depressed but I don't wanna have to take a pill for the rest of my life. Also, I don't have health insurance and can't get the care that I need. I'm on day 4 off Lortab. So, I just feel like uggghhh......

I hope everything gets better for ya.

[liveweyerd]

Both my husband and I have an illness called depression. We have both been guinea pigs for different drugs and felt helpless and hopeless about it and both, in our illness, feel like worthless lazy slugs.
I struggled very much with the idea that I needed meds. Would take them when I was too sick but when I felt better would decide I was getting my life together and go off them. Each time I got sicker. Right now I am the least depressed I have been except for a couple of times in about 20 years. I WILL take my meds for the rest of my life, after the previous relapses in which each were progressively worse I don't know that I have another recovery in me and do not ever want to have to go through that again. I also needed to change some things in my life, outside things and thinking habits. But I had to be treated first before I was able to do that.
My hubby wasn't going to go to his last appmt...he gave up hope and was angry and felt he had been given everything and just didn't want to go through it anymore. And even though I have been in the pits of depression, practically comatose, and "should" have all the compassion in the world, I found it quite difficult at times to deal with his depression and sometimes I just had to take myself out to dinner with a book and get off to myself. Even though I knew better, I often felt angry at him. So, last appointment we agreed I would go along. I did for him what my daughter did for me many years ago and I consider the most loving helpful thing she or anyone could have done for me...I ratted him out. Told straight out his behaviors and how sick he was. Often we understate things ourselves because of guilt, shame, whatever. He had always felt they didn't listen to him. I was also able to point out the way he talks to his therapists about events in his life rather than his functioning and feelings. His therapist concluded that his depression was not helped by the SSRIs that are the first line of medication these days and put him on a tricyclic. The results have been amazing!
So, it is my belief that clinical depression is not curable but is treatable and for he and I, we had always been depressed and didn't even know what "not depressed" felt like. For us, it is like getting a new lease on life.
My message today is one of great hope.
For me it is an easy decision. Take two pills (actually more, but there are other things) or feel miserable in the depths of my being.
I am not sure why I have had such an issue with the meds...it's not like they are going to inscribe on my tombstone...she had to take pills in order to feel alive. lol

hugs,
live

[PaperDolls]

I'm checking my sanity level today and so far so good.
I'm tired but that's nothing new.

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a relaxing day with C and my pups. It was a nice lazy Sunday. Birthday's aren't near as fun as they were when I was 6.

I'm seeing the new therapist lady today.....I always get all nervous before an appt. with someone new. This will be my first week with no meds .... the effexor is gone, no Prozac, no anti-depressants at all. Actually, I didn't even take my sleeping pill last night. So, any way......I'm still going to try this without medication. If it doesn't work then I'll try something else and I won't rule out taking meds again.

I'm going to print out a bunch of my old posts (although lots of my old, old ones are lost) for the therapist to read.....and also to help me remember dates and how I was feeling at different points throughout this crap.

Hope you have a great Monday.

[PaperDolls]

Sanity level = sane-ish

Saw my new therapist yesterday and I'm excited. I was more honest with her than I have been with any other therapist. Not that I ever lied -- I just hating feeling like such a drama queen all the time.

Any way, I'm excited about her and what's to come. She knows I've seen lots of other therapists and stopped going for different reasons and says she can figure out what time of "help" I need and we can work it out.

I see a little light at the end of the tunnel!

[liveweyerd]

Awesome!

[indigo]

Happy birthday for the other day Paper, glad you're feeling somewhat better.

hugs indie

[historyteach]

Hope and light...
What a message to share!

Happy Belated Birthday, Paper!

I hope all your birthday dreams come true!

Shalom!

[PaperDolls]

Today couldn't get over any sooner for me. Everything sucks.
Work sucks ......my boss is driving me crazy ..... I'm driving him crazy ......and there's not enough time in the day to get everything done.

We (our office) is moving on June 1st and I have one million and one things to get done before then and I'd much rather tear my hair out.

I'm sort of watching Oprah about depression right now. I'd like to turn it up as loud as the TV goes so my boss would listen to it and UNDERSTAND me.

I'm shooting for June 2nd being a better day.

[PaperDolls]

I got home last night about 6pm, ate some cereal for dinner and was asleep on the couch by 630 ...... I only woke up once to use the restroom and then I crawled into bed. I slept until 730am. I could have just stayed in bed all day.

I'm too busy at work to be falling apart right now.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

IMHO, I think you should just stick to the meds. It's apparent, and I think if you read back through the posts, that when you are off the meds, you don't function as well. And your partner sorted pissed me off lol. She could be a lot more supportive!

I'm on antidepressant meds, and each time I go off...I don't do well. Just me, but you wouldn't stop taking a medicine that controls your high blood pressure just to see how you do without it right??

Cut yourself some slack honey..its ok to need the meds.

(((((Paper))))))

Karen