Am I a sociopath?What can I Do?

[sociopathalso]

Hi!
I am new to this chat area. I found it when I began to research my issues. I believe that I am a sociopath also.I have never been an alcoholic or an addict. I have been a cronic over achiever as a young woman, then a parent,and now I am trying to figure myself out.As a young child I was never diagnosed with any behavior issues. I did have adhd, primarily the inattentive type,which was diagnosed a few years ago.I can go back through my report cards as a child and they say things like"She speaks so quickly because her mind works faster than the other children's" or "her handwriting is poor because she can't write as fast as she thinks."I am also extremely co-dependant.When I chose to self medicate as an adolescent until recently, it was with sex.

I began to realize that something was wrong with me, when in therapy with a counselor, who ,after being told that I broke into the home of an ex-fiance to steal back the expensive lingeree that he stole from me when we ended the
relationship,began paging through his book of symptoms. I wore gloves, retreived my belongings,and left $20.00on the table to repair the window that I had broken. At the time I thought that the therapist was going to tell me that I was obsessive compulsive issues-which I do have. This therapist also began to comment on my need for excitement,and other obvious issues.

Unfortunately the therapy ended abruptly, when My parent became terminally ill. I cared for her until her death.I found that at her funeral I couldn't cry-even though I felt a profound sense of loss.I was simply numb, and I noticed that many times when people feel extreme emotion, I feel nothing.I can gague what my reaction should be and try to imitate it, but, I don't register feelings the same.I wasn't abused in any way as a child.However I did witness a lot of violence. One of my first memories as a child is of being 2 years old and being awaken by my mother pleading for her life as she was being pistol whipped by her boyfriend.The gun went off, as my sisters and I were standing at the top of the stairs, and startled me,so I fell down the stairs and as Her Boyfriend looked at me she was able to take the gun from him and shot him with it . He survived, was arrested, did time, got out and attempted to reconcile-she would have none of it.

I had the greatest compassion for her even as a child. I found a tissue, wiped the blood from her face and asked her to stopp crying.I repressed the memory until, several years after her death I was in deep counseling at a domestic violence center and I began to remember this violence and many other events that I witnessed. When a memory came back, it usually made me physically ill.I would vomit for hours on end. I began to journal-and when I did , for the first time in my life my panic attacks ended.At this point I don't have them at all.
As have many others who have responded to this site, I guess I need to list each category of a sociopath and give examples of my behavior in each area.

Glibbness/ superficial charm
When I choose to make the attempt I am quite charming,and not only get along with people, but actually disarm them emotionally and endear myself to them so much that they have put me, my wants, and desires ahead of the needs of their own children, and spouses.But ,in all honesty, I usually don't invest the time, or effort, because, unless I have a goal at hand I would rather not deal with people at all.Maybe as a small child I had self worth issues,but I don't now. I am very well versed and have an easy time speaking to people.One thing that I will mention is that I was raised in a very large family, and I was one of the "favored children"I have over 50 cousins, and if a person wasn't my cousin, I didn't speak to them or play with them until I wen't to school.I remember asking the girl who sat next to me in kindergarten if she was my cousin too.My grandmother lived acros the street from me, and all of my aunts and uncles lived on one block. a person was either classified as family or other and "other" didn't matter.

Manipulative and cunning
I find that when I engage people I have a goal at hand.As a child I was taught to play chess by my mom. She said it would teach me to think strategically, always with a goal in mind. On several occasions I have charmed or manipulated people into renting quite expensive homes to me with no credit check or on at least 3 occasions no cash.On one occasion I spoke with a man ,in a lounge that I waited tables at for an hour, gave him a sob sorry,he returned with $3500. and a promise to help me whenever I need. I am sure that being a very attractive woman had something to do with his offer -as did his psychological baggage-i.e. the need to rescue someone ,using his money to feel powerful, et.cetera.But you can bet I took the money. He wasn't even human to me he was just a detail in life to be manipulated coerced and controlled to do my will, and accomodate my needs.

Grandiose sense of self-
On more than one occasion, in many different circumstances I have been told that I think I am better than everyone else.On some level I do,and at other times, I think that they're not as good as me. My role in my family was the "good one"my place was to be the people pleaser. Not only was I raised to be better than everyone else, I worked quite hard to be better than everyone else-within my family-and outside of it.Earlier I mentioned violence that I witnessed. When My mother would punish my sisters who were 10 and 11 years older than I was she would be very cruel.She would force them to strip naked,humilate them and make them stand in front of her while she belittled them ,told them that this would hurt her more than it would hurt
them, and then beat them both until they were covered with welts.The belt was actually stained with blood. My role, in all of this was to stand by her side as she lectured and get out of the way when she beat them.I was her second set of eyes and it was my responsibility to let her know if any violations of the rules occured. I got the message loud and clear that I was better than them.When I am in the world,I definitely feel superior to others. I work harder, I'm smarter, I make it a point to be superior to my peers in every possible way. I strive to be thinner, prettier, better dressed,ujust better in any possible way.

Patholigical liar
when it comes to the people that I love I tell them the truth no matter how painful it is for them. When my child was young I knew that someday some jealous relative would tell her that I was working as a stripper , so at the age of 6, I took her to the club , very early in the morning. I introduced her to several prominent members of my city's organized crime family. I showed her where I was when I was at work, introduced her to the big man who kept me safe, and told her that when I wasn't at home I was safe. When at the age of 11, one hostile relative made an off color remark to her about my previous employment she promptly corrected them, and reminded othem of the several thousands of dollars I lent them when they needed it.I was equally as honest with my mother,even taking her into the nightclub.She watched me dance in that bar, told me she hated it, and that I was the best one there.I made what I did look like an art, andshe said that I had verrrrry big kahones to bring my 63 year old mother to a strip club-and tell her the truth.

When it comes to everyone else I really don't care.I'ts not my job to care about them . I will tell them what they need to know to accomplish the task that they have been given.When it comes to my romances they are usually so engrossed in trying to impress me or woo me that they never take the time to try to find who I am,and oftentimes I feelthat men see me as an accessory.The truth of the matter is that when men approach me in a manner that doesnt acknowledge the who of who I am , I find it quite easy to dehumanize them.I realize that the truth matters, but they don't so they simply are treated as they behave.

Lack of remorse, shame or guilt
I think my candor in the previous comments will address that. I simply dont feel too much for other peoples pain-unless they are on the short list of people that I love.When I have conned or flirted my way into financial prosperity at someone elses expense-be it my siblings or coworkers, I just don't feel guilt. I usually rationalize it saying that they had it coming, or,I did them a favor by teaching them this lesson someone wouldn't have been so kind and would have taken more.I am capable of acknowledgeing wrong behavior, I just don't feel bad about doing it.

Shallow emotions
I find that in situations where others would be out of control, I am not . I can mimmic emotions well, but more often than not, I simply go numb.If asked how i feel I actually have to sit and think about it. I don't think that I am incapable of emotions but somewhere allong the line I've turned them off.Maybe it's a survival skill or something. When I carred for my dieing mother, I simply did what I needed to do. I didn't think about it, or take the time to feel anything.I simply did what i needed to do. It took several weeks after her death for my feelings to catch up with me.whatsmore when some tragedy happens say a cousin breaks a leg falling off of a skate board, I care about what's going on, but I make sure that They don't bleed on my carpets while were waiting to go to the hospital.

Incapacity for love
This one I wonder about. I am 43 years old and have been in love twice.The first love was my daughter's dad-a psychopath-and the second was my therapist.No we never consumated the relationship,and no it wasn't simply a case of transferrence.I believe that it was mutual, because he told me so, but to pursue that love would have been counter to my best interests,so I wouldn't do it and he really respects the work that he does so he wouldn't pursue it.I mention this because I actually felt love, compassion, concern for the wellbeing of this man,as opposed to viewing him as a means to an end. I know that I am capable of loving someone.Intrestingly, I remember actually thinking that I loved my new baby more than her father, so he had to go.What does that say about him? was that relationship simply a means to an end or am I only able to love one person at a time?

the need for stimulation
I enjoyed attention as a young woman. I only date d rich handsome powerful men, and I think I got my stimulation vicareously through them.I was one of the last 100 playboy bunnies inthe country,and lived a very fast and furrious lifestyle.

callousness-lack of empathy
again I say please read my previous comments.

Poor impulse control
I have never been impulsive. I can't help but wonder If I was groomed to control my impulses as I was to disreguard the suffering of others.

Early behavior problems
I was the people pleaser In my household. My behavior was always exemplary, or at least I did such a good job of appearing to be perfect, that no one would ever believe that was misbehaving. An example of this as my boyfriend in highschool- an A student, but also a drug dealler, brought 4 lbs of pot to school in th 80's (pre-drug dog era)When we reallized that there would be a locker search I told him to put the weed in my locker. all of the students were called into the hallways and asked to open their lockers and Looking back on things I think I really wanted to be caught being bad. I knew that they were looking for his weed, but noone would believe that the cute black cheerleading honor student would have anything to do with the scruffy drug using stoner, so when I offered to open My locker, which was directly in front of the principles office, I was told that they knew I would never be involved in drug activities and that I could go backmto my class.I also realize that I didn't care about my boyfriend getting caught, but I wanted to make sure that he sold the pot so he could buy our tickets to see Jethro Tull.

Irresponsibility, unreliability
I don't feel that I should have to be responsible or reliable for people who don't "count".When it comes to people that have been humanized in my eyes I am very accountable. My mother, now deceased, my daughter, My grandmother* I have questions about this relationship that I will ask later, and my prior therapist,I would and have moved heaven and earth for them. But when it comes to everyone else, I simply don't feel obligated to allow them to depend on me.

Promiscuious sexual behavior/ infidelity
UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. HEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCKKKK Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a young woman I explored every sexual fantasy and desire that I had.If the object of my affection was not available, I easily found a substitute, and as a stripper, I was in a relationship, but I worked in a full contact establishment , and If I wanted a pro athleate I definitely had one or two.I would have thought that I would age out of the sexual wildness, now I find that I want lot's of sex with a man and woman, preferably a married couple, who will not become clingy, needy, or possessive of me and they both need to be gorgeous. My experience has been that most men that I have sex with get sprung rather quickly, then the turn into crazy, balcony climbing, stalking,out of control maniacs. I truely don't think that Men are accustomed to having really incredible sex, with a really hot woman on a really regular basis.I think that what the men I have dated confuse with love is actually some sort of hormone induce insanity.I often wonder how they can claim to love someone that they don't even know. The never meet my family,They don't even take the time to know that I am a member of mensa.
After being asked to have sex with a friend's husband ,by her-He had never had sex with a black woman, she later asked If I wanted to have a threesome (This actually happens more often than you could ever imagine).

To quote Julius Ceaser- I came, I saw,I conquered.In that order.I have only had relationships with 2 couples, one was terrific, we vacationed together,they courted me, Our sex life was incredible,He was a retired pro baseball player, she was gorgeous and all was well. I moved to a new city, found another couple that was equally as appealing,and it was a nightmare.instead of one completely enamored stalker, I had 2. They were obcessed and out of control. "We miss you........we need you.......don't you love us anymore??????" I never said I loved them in the first place.I simply broadened their sexual horizons.They should have been greatful instead of greedy.

Lack of realistic life plan

I always dated a rich man and his money was my money, so my money was for whatever I wanted, usually gifts for my mom, kid, or self. I think that my entire adult life has been spent caring for others. First my small child, then my dieing mother, and now I am just beginning to know myself and I have a plan. I have and am excelling quite well in a business environment.After becomming aware of what I am, I chose this field on purpose. My goal is to tweak my skills to accomodate the business needs of the therapist that I love
and just as I have managed any number of exboyfriends businesses into the 6 to 7 figure area I intend to do the same for him.It has been 7 years since I saw him last, and we still keep in touch.I think that I now realize that my world is a better place with him in it- in any capacity and being near him makes me feel human.

If you've read the things that I've written , I think that you'll realize how desperately I need to become human.

Criminal and entreprenurial versatility

I have excelled at practically every endeavor that I have ever tried.Criminal and otherwise. I think that I am past the point of trying to change myself and am now simply trying to understand myself. I am trying to come to grips with what it took to make me the way I am, and trying to understand what I am.One of the things that I did which was really healpful was to take a personality test. It was on the internet, and it really shed a lot of light on why and how my approach to life differs from other people. It said that the adverage man falls in love in so many weeks, women in so many weeks, and my length of time is tripple both of them.It also said that the adverage woman has a 38ish percent of thoroughness when completing a task, and theat the adverage man is in th 48ish percent.My score was in the 98th percent.This explained everything from excelling at business to my sex life.

What I find myself wondering is will I always be so premeditated when I comes to my goals.I also wonder why there are no definitive studies about sociopathic behavior in women,and why do the studies only focus on the actions of people who havew been incarcerated.While I know I am a sociopath, I am not terribly territorial, as I have read that most men are, and I can and have been aggressive it's usually when I have been backed into a corner,or when my child or family has been threatened.I know that If my life or my loved one's lives were threatened, I would be capable of killing someone, and wouldn't feel any more remorse than If I had killed a ferrel animal.I also know that I am fairly good at blending in, staying incognito and flying below the radar of most people.But when I look back over my life,the people who were closest could see this nature that I have.I can think of several occasions when My mother , daughter, or sister would just look at my face and say don't hurt this person, and in my mom's case she would say you really should hurt this person. I know that she had some sadism issues and control issues and sociopathic issues,and I Find myself wondering if anyone can shed any insight into anything that I have written.

Other than the therapist, and several members of organized crime families who are psychopaths,murderers and criminal masterminds I really haven't really discussed these things with very many people- let alone people who share my condition and would like to lead productive lives inspite of it.

Any input by any one will be greatly appreciated.If you can share any insights into how you manage the disconnected feeling that comes with nothaving the same reactions and depth of feeling as other people. I wonder what it is in me that makes it so easy to disconnect from people and their suffering especially at my hands.

[CarolD]

Hello...Welcome!

I think your canndor will be immensley helpful
as you continue to find professional help.

Blessings

[Morning Glory]

Welcome sociopathalso,

You are looking at the tip of the iceberg. What I'm seeing through your whole post are coping methods that you developed as a child to cope with the abuse you went through. You say you weren't abused in any way as a child, but I would have to strongly disagree with that. You say you had repressed memories come up and there may be a lot more still hidden. I think there are many more pieces to this puzzle.

If you have the means to find a specialist who deals with dissasociative identity disorder, trauma and repressed memories I would try that. A lot of times our memories and emotions are so overwhelming that we lock them away behind a wall of defenses and coping methods. I had to become so tired that my walls came tumbling down.

I think there is a lot more inside you than you are aware of.

Many hugs,
MG

[karismac]

Hi,

It is frustrating that I can't post links here yet but I would recommend
that you Google search

"The links with narcissism and sex addiction"

This is a site which might help you. It offers hope.

[bum4evr]

That is a big post. Morning Glory is right about one thing:

I think there is a lot more inside you than you are aware of.

I would love to dissect Sociopathalso's post and give my opinion, but I believe that sometimes its best to be able to be brutaly honest and not have the limitations of taboo subjects and forum rules when giving another person advice on what is going on in their life. Sometimes that advice can be harsh and painful to listen to, and some people may not want to see things like that on a forum as friendly and helpful as this one is.

But, ya can PM me or (pm member for email address) if ya wanna know what I think

Sean G

[historyteach]

Welcome to SR and the MH forum!

I'm glad you've tried therapy and found one that was helpful.
Please continue to work with another. There sure seems to be many issues going on. Carol is right; your honesty will certainly be helpful in your recovery.

I can relate to getting through a crisis without feeling anything,
Then, later, analyzing it prior to feelings coming through. Don't know if there's any name for that though. It just is what it is.

I hope to see you often as we both grow in our recovery.

Shalom!