Treatment Journal

[Don W]

I'm in a recovery program here at the Brocton V A Hospital. I've moved to the next phase that continues to help us put our new lives together. I'm only 2 days into the process and decided to keep a journal here on SR. Some might be helped and I could certainly use other's input. I have an alcohol problem, depression and childhood ptsd and combat ptsd. I've decided to post here because this board sort of covers all parts. This morning we started to talk about change. The topic was about making right choices even if nobody is watching. This could be very simple decisions or complex ones. As we get better change is very important. This is because, like myself, are at the point that in recovery my conscience is returning, maybe appearing for first time.
Otherwise, bad decisions wouldn't bother me. I'm going to try and keep it simple. One decision at a time. Will I be perfect? No. Can I show progress yes.
Another class had us watch a movie. It had to do with resilience and perseverance. It was called " Cinderella Man". It was based on a true story about a boxer. He had to make difficult decisions to take care of his family.
Sort of reminded me about my need to go to any lengths to recover. He change his reasons for fighting from fame and fortune to "Milk" as he put it. Because of this and hard work he prevailed. We can also, if we're resilient in our actions each and every day. Some might be able to do this off and on. I'm not one of them. Are you? Don W

[liveweyerd]

thank you for sharing! And be sure I will follow your journal.
Myself, I am in the baby steps of changing my attitude and perspective.
But I am finding more hope than I have had in such a long time. And that hope has made a world of difference!

[Don W]

Today we had one of our twice a week gym sessions. I sort of like the idea of instead of telling us to exercise, they help put it into action. We had a meeting last night that dealt with starting a program like this. For those that don't know it is a 3 to 4 month commitment. They had some of the Veterans that have been here share their experience of just starting the program. During the session my perspective of this uneasy feeling started to change.
I'm starting to understand that these feelings are a sign of growth. By that I mean, having normal feelings are what is strange to me. Being aware of the consequences and affect it will have on others lives. I started this journey with the thought, " I don't care what happens I'm going to get better." Now in part this is good but, there is another side. Alcohol, depression and ptsd helped me make decisions giving consequences very little thought. I think the best way to describe it is responsibility is creeping, not back, but into my life for the first time. I'm in the early stages myself, live. Funny you mention attitude and perception. That was also a topic in a group today. They talked mostly about opening oneself up to different ways to look at the world around us. I'm thinking they were telling us to understand the world isn't all about us.
We must adapt to this, as it, changes our perspective. Live, have you, or others ever get to the point that you start to see yourself grow? I'm talking about growing as a person. This is a new,stange and exciting feeling that I hope others can identify with. The candles, that Roger Waters speaks of, are starting to light the dark corners of my life. As the light shines on them I recognise them as not something to fear but, something to embrace. Don W

[cwohio]

my heart is happy right now reading your journal don - thank you for sharing your journey!!!

[Don W]

Today I've hit a small bump in the road. We had a class on arguments/discussions. It had to do with the way we react to others and sometimes take poorly suggestions. For example, one flaw I have is being told I'm wrong or made a mistake. I set an unrealistic goal for myself of perfection.
No matter how well the person presents it I get defensive. They provided a list of suggestion and tips on how to change. I'll post it Monday, might help others also. Anyway, my mind started to focus on the amount of change. I mentioned to the instructor that some of these behaviors were learned in my early development years. As many of you've experienced, learning from poor paradigms (models) have resulted in a lifetime of practicing poor behavior. The thought of unlearning and relearning is almost overwhelming. Would I be wrong for comparing it to bringing myself back to childhood, and then bringing myself up again? Make any sense to you? Can you identify? Have you done this and have improved? Are you in progress or need also to do this? I know, many questions but, they are bouncing around in my head. Then again, I'm excited about the chance to rebuild myself. Brick by brick we can build a foundation. Each brick, or piece of the puzzle, will be in the correct place. Not forced into place by someone else. There is also a feeling of responsibilty in me. I hate to admit this but, I need to. Another lesson in progeress. Doing what I need and not what I want. One by one I'm giving up all my old excuses for these behavior. Exposure has brought a feeling of being responsible to correct my behavior. If I don't then I must point the figer at myself. Don, you haven't changed only because you don't want to. I've got to head back. Starting to get lonely here. If, anyone would like to, I'm going to give my address.
Donald Wallace 181D
Brocton VAMC
Reach Program
940 Belmont St.
Brocton, Mass 02301

[liveweyerd]

hi, I am happy to read every word! I have read alot about re-parenting ourselves. I don't think I can say I have done that, but I have done the tiniest thing as one would do with a newborn baby, I have let loose many ties of others' expectations to find out who I really am, under all those blankets.
I have a huge problem with perfectionism and setting unrealistic expectations and agreeing to things I can't/won't deliver. Then get overwhelmed and underperform. That has been getting much worse lately. UGH.
I am really listening to you, your program sounds so wonderful!
Thanks for the address! I like to send postcards etc.
Tena

[PaperDolls]

Don

Wow, it sounds like you're really learning a lot about yourself. It's got to be tough. I know it would be for me. I love every post of this treatment journal so far and I'm looking forward to reading it in the future.

I'm sorry you're lonely right now but just know that I'm thinking of you, sending good thoughts, just as many others here at SR.

hugs,
doll

[cwohio]

i too am enjoying reading about your journey of rebuilding yourself don!!!

[Don W]

Today is Monday, Sept. 19th. Over the weekend my program was wounded. I received word that my 94 year old mother passed away. Although, sad, I've got to understand it's a relief for her. Over last last year or so she'd lost her sight, couldn't walk and had many other issues that affect her quality of life.
I think what made thing difficult also was some of my siblings not getting along. Because of this some hadn't seen or talked to my mother in over 5 years. For years I got involved as the peace maker, and payed the price. As many here had suggested a few years back I started to give up this self appointed role. Although deep down I couldn't help but feel bad. Anyway, she died and at her request she was buried a few days later. She didn't want her funeral to be a setting for more fighting. Lord knows, they'll be more down the road. They are planning a memorial service. I think they delayed telling me to keep me from leaving this program. Of course I was upset but, talking to my counselors and family it was best. Although confused she was aware that I was back in a program. She went very peaceful, and asked my sister to tell me how proud she was of me. This might sound bad but, I've decided that I'm where I need to be. With the help of the counselors, I've decided that my mother would want me to stay here. I've been working hard and even a few days away could cause a problem. Lord knows I've wanted to escape all weekend, and still want to now. I want to go back to things being normal. Which is going back to being messed up. Leaving I can do no good and can't change anything. Those that hurt her will have to deal with their guilt. I can rest in peace knowing that I've been there for her. I'm happy knowing she went taking the knowledge that I was sober with her. Today has been so hard. I keep breaking into tears, not able to keep my composure. I did break down and talk to a few of the guys but, they all have problems and I don't want to bother them. So, I guess I'll bother you guys. I'll post more on Tuesday. Must clear my head for afternoon classes. Don W

[cwohio]

prayers to you don for the loss of your mother. i think you know in your heart what she would have wanted for you. thank you for sharing with us and a big hug out to you!

[Wolfstarr]

((((Don)))))

It gladdens my heart to hear the love your mom had for you, and that she was so proud of you continuing your program! I know how much you love her and, when a parent leaves us at any age, a piece of us goes along with them...that love never fades.

Wish I could just reach through this screen and hug you. Instead, I will send healing thoughts to you to help you through. Of course, prayers too.

We can have a memorial service right here for her....

In memory of DonW's Mom...
A divine creature that was as whole and perfect as she was created...

[deedee]

(((Don)))

I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your beloved mother. I think you are doing the right thing and she would be so proud of you. Sending much love and prayers for peace, comfort, and healing.

hugs ~

deedee

[margo]

((((((Don))))))) Ninety-four is a long time to live - bless her heart. I'm glad to know that she didn't suffer and passed over peacefully. You are doing the right thing by staying where you are, Don. How wonderful that she was able to get her message of how proud of you she is to you through your sister. You gave your mom the best gift any son or daughter ever could in this situation - you were sober when she passed on. God Bless you Don - you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[historyteach]

(((Don)))
You're mom is with you always, within the small reaches of your heart.
I'm sorry for your loss...

Shalom!

[Morning Glory]

Don,

I'm so sorry for your loss. The best gift you can give your mom is to stay where you are. That's what I would want my son to do.

I'm sure your mom is very proud of you.

Huge hugs,
MG

[best]

and asked my sister to tell me how proud she was of me. This might sound bad but, I've decided that I'm where I need to be. With the help of the counselors, I've decided that my mother would want me to stay here.

I think many are proud of you Don. I think your choice is a wonderful gift to your mom as well.

Part of my relearning what I learned wrong as a child...
Real men do have tears. As a child we are told boys don't cry. Maybe boys don't but men do.

I am proud of you Don.

Prayers go with you.

[Ann]

I'm sending my hugs and love too, Don. I lost my mother at 90 and I know that no matter how old they are, even when it is their time, it's hard and we miss them so much.

What I learned from my mother's passing, is that she is always with me, in my heart and in my soul and I hear her every day speaking to my memory and my spirit.

As a mom, I promise you that she is very proud of you and she would want you to stay where you are safe. She knows how much you loved her, and now wants you to take that love and give it to yourself. Mothers just know.

My thoughts and prayers are with you today and always.

Hugs

[Pony]

{{{{{{Don}}}}}}}

I am sorry to hear of the passing of your mom. I know how hard it is to think that you were not there with her at that moment, but I think it was more important for her to know that you were and are in the place you need to be. Yes, she is proud of you and I'll bet that she is watching over you right now.

Don I so admire your courage and you committment to your recovery program is an inspiration. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Prayers for you and your family in this time of grief.....and peace

Your mom and my dad are in a happy place!!!

[Don W]

Thanks everyone, I'm doing better today. This morning we had a class on changes. They talked about about both internal and external changes. Sometimes I've used external changes as a facade to hide my depression, ptsd and addiction. I tried to put on the appearance of doing and feeling good. Right now I'm discovering that the internal changes are the first that I need to change. Learning to deal with my mother's death in the responsible way, for sure is #1 today. However, changing other behavior is also important. I'm understanding today that the internal changes will indeed change external appearances. However, not with a false facade, but with a true reflection of myself. I think they were talking about seeing myself in a different light. Aligning myself with how I'd like others to see me. Not having to be a different person depending on the situation. Of course many times I'd use this to my advantage to take advantage of others. I'm going to log off now. I've got to go to my gym class. All part of having us learn new behaviors for leisure time. I've actually started to look forward to our required twice a week work out, and that is starting to change my external appearence for the better. I'll close with a thank you. My SR friends, fellow veteran patients and the VA staff have been instrumental in helping through this difficult period. Don W

[PaperDolls]

Good Morning Don.

First I want to give you my condolences for the loss of you're mother. I don't think I can say anything more that other's have already said so eloquently. I too believe your mother will be with you, always.

I am so proud of you and you are an inspiration to me. You are working so hard to recover and become a better person, inside and out. I admire you.

much love,
doll

[liveweyerd]

Don,

Please accept my sympathies.

hugs,
live

[Don W]

Today, we have been watching " Walk The Line" about Johnny Cash. It is a mix of childhood abuse addiction etc. We've only watched the first part, after lunch we'll view the rest. This place has a really different approach to recovery. I like how they mix up to date material with standard program information. They've taken time to choose movies that carry the message. This morning we watched "28 Days" the movie many of you mentioned. I think the biggest thing I've gotten out of Walk the Line is the message of believing in yourself. I've never really done that, or allowed myself to do it anyway. I've always believed what others believed of me, strangely though it was always only the bad stuff. I've decided at the urging of my counselors and fellow veterans to attend my mother's memorial service on Saturday. To stay away would only continue the behavior of avoiding difficult issues. The problems my siblings have with each other are between them. To stay away would prevent some closure for myself my counselors have convinced me. I'm tring to reframe how I view life. I'm going to be honoring my mother, to do otherwise will only feed other's negitive feelings. My mother had to make a difficult decision to prevent problems. However, she would deep down had wanted all her children at her memorial. She pretended to not care, I learned that from her I guess also, about things like that. They are going to give me a special overnight pass to attend. I also am trying to remember that it isn't all about "us" her children. Their are Grandchildren, neices and nephews that will be their and will need my support. I believe in myself today. I believe that Saturday I can break the cycle of providing poor modles by which youger members of the family might learn the wrong lessons that I did. I can choose to provide a positive example. I'm really changing the person that arrived here on Aug. 4th. Don W

[PaperDolls]

(((((Don))))))


You're an amazing person and so strong. I believe in you.
Continue to be good to yourself!

hugs,
doll

[Don W]

I am at home getting ready to go to the memorial service for my mother. Sadly, as she expected, there is a battle royal going on among the family. I can't understand how the same people that hadn't visited her in 4 or more years, would be upset about not going to the private funeral she requested. I did alot of talking and sharing with my counselors and fellow patients. They helped reinforce my plan to go there and keep to the mission as planed. That is honor my mother and be a power of example to the younger children. I did have to set some ground rules to protect myself. I requested that there be no alcohol served at the house afterwards. If there was I could only go to the grave for the service. I told them that I don't feel I'd be tempted but, don't want alcohol fueling the already exsisting anger. My niece agreed, I hope I didn't go too far. However, maybe it will keep things peaceful, at least for my mother's sake. Do you think I'm unreasonable for requesting others to not drink just because I can't? Anyway, I'm heading out shortly so must close. Talking about having the chance to put almost every class and suggest in the last month into practice in one afternoon. I'm a little concernd also about seeing the person that sexually abused me for the first time since I admitted it and sought treatment. However, I'm planning on remembering that this day is for my mother and not confrontation. I'll let you know on Monday. Just incase, I made sure I scheduled a one on one with my counselor Monday morning first thing.

[best]

Prayers are with you Don.

Your doing right on all accounts.