cutting again

[RX-7]

Didnt think i would be wrighting in here for a lot longer but this is what these forums are for i pose. It has been just a little over a year since i stoped cutting my self. so much has gone on in the last few months. I have almost drowned twice in the snake river while i was out fishing. my best freind got sick with bronkitice and i tryed to get him to go to the er because he was bad he wanted me to ask his mom for him, i lost it and sied "what do i have to do make all your choices for you" welll by then we were in his house(he is only 18 by the way yet i treated him as an equil) he waited till i was in front of his mom to get in my face and tell me to get out of his house or he was going to be the f out of me, i having had my meds stood there calmly and let it go and told him again that he needed to go to the docter he then told me if i didnt get out he was going to kill me, i was not intimidated at all and just stood there and told him to go right ahead and if his mom had not been there he would probably have tryed. it hurt our freind ship of cource theough of some odd reason i keep trying to make things better between us , his mom made him apologise he is mad because he felt that i treated him like a was a child which i hadnt. before all this i had given him a computer it worked good then he wanted me to fix something he screwed up on it the other day i told him no so he took it out and gave it back to me and again told me to get out. so i wet home fixed it and put in a cdw/rw anbd gave it back to him he was like ge thanks and threw it on his bed. i was deeply hurt and all this finnally cought up with me. my heart hurt so bad that i had to get rid of the pain the only way i new how and i cut the heck out of my arms and legs. but my heart feels alot less pain then it did.
I have hurt alot of freinds but always heart felt my opologies, there is a freind here that i have hurt badly and in reality that is why i no longer come to this web site because i do not want to hurt her she is my freind. the few freinds that i have in my life i hold close she is one that i wish i could but cant because it would hurt her.but regardless i think of her often.
i finaly got my adoption recourds and have just petittiond the court to let me reopen my files so i can find my medical recourds and siblings.
still waiting on my suit with ssi and wondering whats going on there my wife is going to call the attorny tomarrow and find out what he knows.
and my 15 month old just started walking well i should say cruising.
as for the cutting now that it has started again i hope i can keep it at bay.
thanks for listning to my balsom. Ryan

[upanddownjj]

Don't think I have "met" you before..but it is really good you have come back here to talk..
It does sound like you have a lot of pain...
I'm glad you are taking your meds.
Have you told your Doctor that you had to start cutting again??
I have Bi-Polar - but I have never had to cut..I have a friend that did though..So I do understand about making the pain go away.

I hope you come back to Sober Recovery to talk some more.

I think there will be more people who come here that understand..

Janni

[ranae1221]

hi ryan,

don't think i have met you either, sorry to hear things haven't been well lately. i haven't been posting in awhile, but saw your post and wanted to reply. i too started self injury again awhile back, also after much stress and signifigant losses. i am on meds for depression but sometimes think it a lost cause. my doc knows i have been doing this, but doesn't say too much because i have cut back and usually go several days in between, as compared to several times a day many years ago. but there are times i wish i could stop- like the times i have had to go to urgent care because a cut or burn got infected, and the staff thinks you are crazy. that sucks.


if you are wanting to stop, or make sure it doesn't get out of hand again, what helped you stop before?

[shutterbug]

Howdy, glad to hear from you again. Don't know what to really say about your friend except maybe practice the "Let Go and Let God"....he's running his life the way he wants and there's nothing you can do about it, so just try to distance yourself emotionally as much as you can. You arn't responsible for his well-being, as much as I know you care about him, that's his job and his mom's job.

Your job is to take care of you and YOUR family. Put you and them first and that's the best you can do. As for the cutting, I pray you are seeing a therapist these days. Are you still on meds? Perhaps the doc could prescribe something different to calm some of the anxiety that's probably causing the cutting to return?

love and hugs A&F,
Jenna

[BigSis]

Hi Ryan... welcome. I used to cut, and when I did - it was always related to unexpressed RAGE. I would just bottle it up and bottle it up... and then, BAM!

I can see lots of things in your post that might have elicited a reaction, but you said ...

he then told me if i didnt get out he was going to kill me, i was not intimidated at all and just stood there and told him to go right ahead

Why? It sounds like perhaps walking away from that chaos would be good for you. If you do seek out a therapist, I would urge you to give that person all tihs information and perhaps consider why you would allow someone to abuse you, and then turn around and give that same person a "gift"....

so i wet home fixed it and put in a cdw/rw anbd gave it back to him he was like ge thanks and threw it on his bed. i was deeply hurt

First, a "gift" implies - "for free" - and you don't owe me ANYTHING in return. Second, if someone rejects my gift, it doesn't matter if I think the gift may not have been good enough - I DON'T give them something 'more' in order to try and get their love or appreciation.

If my assessment of what is going on with you is off-base, I apologize.

Do you have a plan of action for today?

[RX-7]

well the attorny does not know anything yet they are still waiting on the courts. is it being lazy or depressed that i feel that i dont want to do anything but sleep and do not feel like doing anything more then the absolut nesessitys, if i think about it, it seems iim being lazy, but i just dont know. i live in a shell and came out for a few months because i had found a new freind to spend time with and now im back in my shell. i feel numb, my feelings are hurt but more then that its hard for me to come out and share my self when these things happen. it makes me want to stay to my self and my little family and not mess with talking or trying to be freinds with others because whats the point im only going to keep getting hurt again and again.
Shutterbugg if you read this i want you to know that from the bottom of my heart how sorry i am for the hurt that i caused you, you are wonderful dont let anyone tell you differant.
ill all ways be your freind. Jenna.

[liveweyerd]

I am glad you are here.

And with your friend here......is there room for amends?
I hope so!

thoughts of comfort to you,
live

[shutterbug]

Ryan....no worries dear one! I'm okay. I think of you often and wonder how you're doing, but none of it brings me down. Hugs to you and know I still care dear friend!

[RX-7]

there is infinity.

[liveweyerd]

posting at the same time! And I see that our dear and wonderful friend Jenna signed her post to you with love and hugs!

[RX-7]

F&A
freinds

[RX-7]

Originally Posted by BigSis

Hi Ryan... welcome. I used to cut, and when I did - it was always related to unexpressed RAGE. I would just bottle it up and bottle it up... and then, BAM!

I can see lots of things in your post that might have elicited a reaction, but you said ...



Why? It sounds like perhaps walking away from that chaos would be good for you. If you do seek out a therapist, I would urge you to give that person all tihs information and perhaps consider why you would allow someone to abuse you, and then turn around and give that same person a "gift"....



First, a "gift" implies - "for free" - and you don't owe me ANYTHING in return. Second, if someone rejects my gift, it doesn't matter if I think the gift may not have been good enough - I DON'T give them something 'more' in order to try and get their love or appreciation.

If my assessment of what is going on with you is off-base, I apologize.

Do you have a plan of action for today?

no you are right i was trying to make amends for something i realy haddnt done wrong besides caring about him its just that even though i am 12 years older then him besideds my wife he is the only freind i have he is 18 im 32 im not sure what to think or if i should even bother.

[RX-7]

why is it that what im feeling realy depressed and my heart feels like its being crushed that i want to cut my self i feel drawn to it like a moth to a bug zapper. this is also not thinking about the above post this has been a question for over a year.?
as for the meds question im still on lythium,lexapro,lamictal,lunesta and some heart med to help with my tremmors but i cant think of the name.

[upanddownjj]

I'm sorry you are depressed today..I know how much that hurts - I have Depression too...Do you have a Psychiatrist along with your Councillor ??
Have you told them you are cutting again ??

It sounds like you cut when you have this pain or Depression.

Maybe your meds need to be adjusted??

Are you going to phone them ??

If they fix your meds maybe you will stop cutting ??

How is your Family ?

[shutterbug]

My dad had a really hard time with the lexapro...didn't seem to help much, nor zyprexa. I've found Welbutrin really helpful.

And why are you on TWO mood stabalizers?
Do you have MAJOR manic episodes/psychosis?

[historyteach]

Ryan;
I'm sorry you're going through all this. And I have to tell you, I know nothing about cutting. But, I found this article from the Mayo Clinic, and thought it may be useful.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775
I hope it helps.

Shalom!

[Arura]

Ryan im also a self harmer ... when things get tooo much for me....!

I understand why you do it honi...Please no that thro time and learning some coping teqnuiqes, you will find a way to deal with the pain in another less desturctive way...! I promise ti can stop...! if you try...

Do you have a counsseler n stuff,??? As if you find the right one you can spill it to them and not hurt yourself...!

I have struggled with not cutting myself since my teens im now 33 n have LOTS of scars.... n i want to look good in a bikini...? LOL,... not for me now...! you pay the price...!

Please if you ever feel the need to hurt yourself pm me and i will try to help you as much as i can...!

[Don W]

I wasn't able to read any of the posts on this thread. I'm in the V A Hospital now being treated for PTSD/Depression etc. I can only tell you how frightened I get for you, and others, just reading the title. I am going to say a prayer for you and maybe at some point I'll be able to read. Although, in my heart I already think I know the words of pain you must have posted. I can identify with the pain that you have that would cause you to do this. I understand it isn't the same but, in my own life I used alcohol to self destruct and answer the unknown reasons from within. God Bless You, Don W

[Arura]

Self Harm has been in my life before the drugs truned up so thats at 9/10 i started doing it .

It moves the pain in your head to were ever the injury is...!

I want it to stop now please...

[Chy]

We shared this with our teens but I think it's good for adults to.
http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_...g_cutting.html

[BuDoc]

Chy, thank you so much for that link... I work with "at risk youth" ages 16 to 24 years old in a residential vocational/educational facility. Sometimes I have "cutters" in my dorm population. This site was very helpful and informative. I plan to share this info with my co-workers.

RX-7 Hang in there, keep coming here, find someone to talk to and some support...

Hang loose, Doc.

[aussiee]

Wow, I've been a member here for a day, SO much useful information for me!

Ryan, I am a 'SISP' - self injurious skin picker. I pick at ANYTHING, if there is nothign to pick I'll pluck hairs from my legs or wherever I find some I want to pull at.

I always picked at pimples as a teen - to excess - then I cleaned up my act without any knowledge of me actually having anxiety problems. Fact was - I was raped at 15 - the skin picking started with a force then. I married a wonderful man - but our marriage fell apart, I started pulling hairs.

but now I just left an abusive relationship with a drug addicted alcoholic (and sex addict) and my skin is horrific - its all about pain for me - about self hatred. I pick because I'm imperfect, I pick to FEEL my pain, I pick because I self punish - quite a mess really hey!

Hang in there mate - there must be an answer for us out there somewhere - tons of reading and I still pick, counselling - still pick, doctors, medications, and now I'm on aropax - still pick. Its not quite so bad now. I am wondering if my freedom from abuse will end it all - because I HAVE learned over the last 12mths that I AM a good person, I am learning to self love, learning self respect - maybe thats the answer - I look forward to learning more with you and the others here.

[marle]

Aussiee, My 20 year old daughter is also a skin picker. She is also an addict, bulimic, and a self hater. Although she has always picked at her scalp to reduce her anxiety, the last time I saw her a month ago, she had picked her face and the top of her arms and had two more sores on the top of her scalp. She is also a self-hater, in an abusive relationship with an older crack addict. I see her behaviors as negative coping, but they are probably what keeps her alive. She recently tried to cut her wrists, not deep, more like a cry for help. Yet she does not really want help as she has made it clear that seeing me only brings her more shame. So I stay away as it only brings me despair seeing her destroy her beautiful self. Hugs, Marle

[aussiee]

Hi Marle,

that would be an awful position to be in - as the mother of someone who self injures. My parents are at a loss - poor things are in their 60's, they don't need my problems so I tell them very little now. But it all but kills them to see me hurting myself like this.

I hope that by leaving my partner (last thursday) I can shine again - and that this awful self hatred will stop - it IS very much about that.

Thankyou.

[shutterbug]

aussiee...as open as I feel on SR to share...my picking is SO hard for me to talk about or own up to. I've battled it since my parents divorced about 25 years ago when i was a fifth grader...and it's gotten worse over time. I hold a lot of shame from it...i have often wish I could cut myself instead. That makes more sense to me and at least cutting has that dark-side factor to it (and can be hidden better/easier). I doubt I will ever be able to talk about it as openly and matter-of-fact as you have above. The one real, long-term and comfortable relationship I was in...I picked him too (when he'd let me and sometimes my anxiety was so bad that I'd wrestle him down until he gave in. I have a ton of guilt about that, even though he said it didn't really bother him that much). Funny thing is I didn't connect it with mental illness or anxiety or anything. I just thought I was weird...end of story.

anyway, thanks for sharing. You're the first person i've ever heard talk about it openly.