Help for me and hopefully others as well

[Gpalmer]

20 years old and starting to heavly drink for the wrong reasons. Im posting because Im concerned about myself and the people around me when I drink. The blackouts/so drunk that I dont remember half the night are starting the become a common thing. No longer do I drink for fun but more for getting rid of the thoughts about the past that bog me down. Im looking for advice on stopping drinking and help with dealing with past issues. I had a relationship for 3 years that ended because of drinking. The love of my life was lost due to drinking heavly and getting myself into situations that shouldnt happen but did because I was looking for a way out. I know and understand that drinking is bad but its all around me. No longer do I want to drink and I dont want to turn into an alcoholic or begin to drink 20 bottles of vodak a month. How can I help myself let go? I really need to stop drinking; I only drink beer because of the fact that hard liquir really puts me in a different state of mind fast. I just dont understand how alcohol/drugs can be such a common thing when people like us abuse it. Why does alcohol take control of someones life when they are depressed? Looking for a way out through thinking your letting it go for the night obviously isnt the right thing to do. But why do we do it? Like I said above, the longest and best relationship Ive ever had was lost because of alcohol abuse. I can type that and sit and think about it but still drink. Im not understanding the addiction. I read that a 37 year old was questioning if he or she was an alcoholic. It was stated that 20 bottles of vodka was drank a month and the question was, Am I an alcoholic? Why do with let a substance take control of us like we do? I drink to a point of being completely intoxicated and as I drink I know what the end goal is. No longer do I drink because Im looking for a good time but a way of disapearing. I dont like this, and have written to much but hopefully your still reading. Im looking for a helping hand, a smileing face that will help and talk. Im 20 years old but it feels like Ive been alive for two lifetimes. Im ready to stop and move out of the past and onto the future.
And with posting on the mental help forum, Im trying to understand how depression can carry on from one generation to the next. My mom had depression and now I believe I have it. I can tell that because of how I drink and my skewed outlook on the things around me; always negative. I met a born again christian the other day who continued to elighten me by saying "no thats negative I like to think postive." As elementary as that sounds to see it in action is a completly different thing. As we spoke I noticed that he would say the opposit words of what I said. I would say a word I wasnt conciously thinking was negative and he would tell me, "no I like to stay positive" out of nowhere. How can I help myself stay postive? Its not as easy as 1 2 3 its for me a hard thing to do. I catch myself thinking that tomorrow isnt worth going for. How can one person be such a happy person and another person can be so sad? Is the way we grow up a stepping stone for the future? Why did I go through what I did to only be posting on a forum about becoming sober? Why are any of us here? Drugs and alcohol are not the answer....so why do them? Why do we feel that contunued abuse of a drink or a smoke or a snort is the way to have a goodtime. Ive met people that have never had a drink in there life and seem to be the best people I have ever met. Why am I a drinker? Why when I have a drink or two do I become a person on a mission? The mission to lose control and worry the loved ones around me. Warning signs have started and I drive right past them. Why do I do this? Lots of questions I know but Im needing help with myself. I just dont understand things nowadays. Terrorists, War, ABUSE are they all in the same category? What would we do without a frown? Why do I feel the need to be so negative. If I know I should let go then why doesnt that happen with a snap of the fingers? Have you read a million little peices? That as we all have heard is very over exaggereated but how can we get so low. Why instead of helping ourselves is it easier to just let go. Sorry for writting so much I could continue but am not because its starting to look like a novel. Thanks everyone who responds Im glad your here to help.