Anyone Ever Dealt With This? Be Honest

[Chance]

My name is Vic and I am a addict, there is no question about that. I have been in counseling here, and most of it is looking at when I was sexually abused at the age of 5 by females. Now I have had a lot going on with this here the past few weeks, dealing with opening up this stuff. Anyway let's cut through the chase here.

I have pretty much since I lost my virginity at the age of 19 but even before that I have been, how do I put this, overly aroused by the opposite sex. I mean OMG I love women, but it seems like since my divorce in 2002, I haven't been in a relationship that has lasted any amount of time. Now during this period and even before 2002, I have pretty much been caught up in pornography, watching XXX rated movies, etc.

Now each time that I have relapsed in the past, first one I almost had two years clean, and the last time I had almost a year clean, that a woman has been involved. Now I am not blaming the women, I am trying to see something here. Anyway I have really stopped the watching of dirty movies, and also magazines, although I started with the magazines, and ended with porno. But since I got sober and clean over a month ago, I have realized that this part of my life was keeping me sick, or so I think that is. I also feel that this very well could be the root or the core of my relapsing, and so does my counselor.

Since then I almost feel that it is OK to do these things, but yet I feel it is wrong. Really confused here, so I was just wondering if anyone else here has gone through that or not. I really could use some input here. Thanks

Love Vic

[Grimnar]

hmm... well, you might try staying away from the porn for a while and see what happens. By that I mean seeing how it affects your real world relationships.

I am not saying porn by itself is bad, but if you think it's unhealthy for you, isn't there a 12 step program for it?

[Shakur]

From The Big Book of AA, "How It Works" (know you're probably an NA guy, but still very good advice, I think, I also private msgd you.)

"Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes -- absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.

Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test -was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.

Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.

To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache."

[Chance]

Well I don't know about much here, but my relapsing and my awakening so to speak has been working. I feel like if it is something that makes you desire it then it might not be good for you. Today I was out looking for Chance's collar and I noticed a fan by the alley, well when I opened the trash can I saw what appeared to be two teen porns, OMG it was like I had to have them, and then when I opened them up and nothing was there, I felt kind of alone, lonely, mad, Hum I need to stay away from it I think

[ole blue]

I'm new here and found this in search of understanding my fiance's addiction (NA). What I can offer from my own experiences is that pretty much anytime there has been a part of me that felt something wasn't right. I was best served to step back and look at my actions. The confusion created helps us to mask the problem from ourselves and usually by the time we realize what is happening the stakes are much higher than when we first felt the confusion.

just my thoughts, either way know that it's not just you and may God bless.

[nogard]

Originally Posted by luckyv2

Well I don't know about much here, but my relapsing and my awakening so to speak has been working. I feel like if it is something that makes you desire it then it might not be good for you. Today I was out looking for Chance's collar and I noticed a fan by the alley, well when I opened the trash can I saw what appeared to be two teen porns, OMG it was like I had to have them, and then when I opened them up and nothing was there, I felt kind of alone, lonely, mad, Hum I need to stay away from it I think

Hey Vic

Thats what I do if it afects me in the way you just described (more more more) or in any way I feel gets in the way of my sobriety then I stay away from it, just like I keep away from the old environment.

I figure its just my disease and my addiction coming up with new ways to talk to me.

Kevin
PS Hi Sharon, good to see you, even in the guys room

[nogard]

Just wanted to add Vic, that your a great example to me.

Kevin

[best]

ACCEPTANCE IS MY ANSWER

Many times when we look outside ourself, we are looking for acceptance.
Sex is not bad or sinful in the right place and situation (inside a marriage)
Thing is that with anything that feels good, it gets progressive in our lives.
Porn can be and is additive for many. Even if there wasn't a reason you feel you need to stay away...it is a good idea to stay away from it all the same.

Even with all my faults, God accepts me and loves me.

Look for your acceptance in the same place. You know it is there...return to it.

[utopia]

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rnography.html (Pornography)

this was a post on pornography in this mens room forum a while back. may help a bit.

today my view of porn has changed. this is what i think at the moment.

men are more visual and naturally sexualise a relationship in the beginning, not necessarily desiring but the imagnation creates it in the mind (wanted or not) add sexual abuse to the mix and i feel theres a lot of shame, guilt and uncertainty to get through. i think its harder for women to be sexual without emotional involvement and foreplay for biological reasons. i think our sexuality is a healthy gift from god and we were meant to enjoy it. i think sex for the sake of sexual pleasure dehumanises the other person by ignoring their heart. this is for me. being sexually abused, i never wanted to be emotionally ABSENT from a sexual encounter and yet being a man, some part of me was drawn to procreation---to sexual interaction---semen in a man will find a way to get out if it has to.

i watch porn every now and again. sometimes i think too much, sometimes i slip into thinking im this, im that...what else is wrong with me, aha! im an addict of this now...anything that causes an expansive, warm feeling is good for me but watching porn for me releases sexual tension. it make my heart wince. it leaves my intellect and soul untouched with the loving interaction i beleive good sex provides. abuse has barred me from feeling sexual stuff without over analysing. and sometimes its just porn...period...fullstop.

I do not always experience the same thing the same way.

(((Since then I almost feel that it is OK to do these things, but yet I feel it is wrong.)))

for me i felt the same, but i went much deeper than an issue about porn, it was about parts of myself that felt neglected regardless, parts that wanted romance or so i thought. what was needed for me was NON-SEXUAL

sensuality
passion
desire
affection
rapture

all of these had platonic, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects i had not been aware of. the bigger issue for me was that the absence of soul and heart in porn triggered the abuse, the abusers absence of heart and soul. thier disconnection from god self and others, their lack of compassion and feeling, their lack of respect for me. let the pain go in its own time. porn like any other medium teaches me more about who i am, what i want and what i dont. and above all to be gentle, forgiving and loving towards MYSELF.

[Rusty Zipper]

vic, fancy see'n ya here... to make it quick... relate... what i found for me... when i changed my thinking process in recovery... i knew i had to change all, or at least try... i was always a thrill seeker... and yes, chicy's mean thrills... i took all that bent up sexi-drive, lust, ect. ... and turned the energy to other things... ie; just being here sharing with all of you... my music, my art, and most importantlt... my soul.... i live life not over the top anymore... it was a slow process, but it has turned around... and i realy have to say. it is the FREELY giving bit that was shown to me that did the trick... as i learn'd the true meaning of freely... dont get me wrong, i love look'n at a nice lady... just now, my thoughts are place'd differently... not jump on the chic bit... just look at the beaught'y... my natural instincts, yep... just not run amuck


good wishes Vic................................... lay'n low, ... Zip

[utopia]

i found a lot of pleasure just admiring the body's form. i have roots in italy where men and women are admired for aesthetic pleasure (not sexual necessarily) and I do that with men and women, it's freeing to feel strong desire and pleasure from an attractive person and not want anything else.

[tramp]

i can't say i am a porn addict. i can say that if i'm lookin at porn then someones slackin, if ya know what i mean.
if ya don't get it at home yer gonna go lookin.
to me it's a way to get off without doin the physical betrayall trip.

[Chance]

Now as I think about most of the issue here, I have came to believe that it is basically not really a desire. When I was using of course most of this stuff was OK. Even when I was sober for the last few times, I did get into the pornography etc. This time around I really haven't had a whole lot of contact with ie Porn, magazines, etc, although I am not saying that I haven't watched any either. I am however aware that this isn't healthy for me, and it does make me think or at least it is in my head that most women are like that which is a total lie.

So, here lately I haven't really paid to much attention to the issue. I guess that my morals are changing without me really even knowing that they are changing. Does that make sense to anyone. I guess that we all have to find what makes us tick. And for me I know that MY GOD DOESN'T APPRECIATE THE FACT OF PORN IE ETC. So for me to even be able to look at myself I need to do as my God would have me to do. Now I am not saying that this is the way it is for everyone but for this guy it isn't right.

Love Vic

[Rusty Zipper]

yea vic, porn, just another escape from reality... no need for it...

ttus, Zip

[psntd]

When you get sober,in my oppinion it means mind body and soul.So therefore i feel when you indulge in porn you are not adressing the spiritual aspect of your recovery and that is very dangerous and i think allows negative energy whether you wanna call it the devil or just negative spirits to have an opening to eventually entice you to relapse.I personally believe that the devil is cunning and baffling and powerful and we cannot leave the door even cracked for him to come in.....THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE

[utopia]

also i think that if one uses porn then just accept the fact and dont make it a big self berating deal. men sexualise things more than women, i think thats part of our biology, i believe men feel physical desire a lot stronger than women and perhaps some feel it even stronger. in the area of addiction its slippery ground to choose whats a recreational activity and whats unhealthy but i can only ever decide FOR ME rather than generalise, maybe some use porn regularly to relieve themselves and are fine with it but thats none of my business really. i know sometimes i use it, sometimes i regret using it and ultimately its not the ideal but sometimes like now when im dealing with trauma issues and am not ready for sexual relations with living humans i have used porn etc as a crutch. yes there is a risk there, especially that i used to see all men in the porn i viewed as how people were in sexual interactions. maybe in casual encounters but not in committed relationships,, for me anyway (without spirit?). i now know this is not the case rather than seeing porn as some forbidden pleasure that brings guilt and shame i just accept that some part of me likes it and some part of me is indifferent really but would prefer to not have a male vehicle that constantly produces spermatoza making arousal very easy sometimes. i am human.