Female Sponsee

[Ringworm]

This is one of those long and involved stories which I am sure has a very simple solution. So I am going to cut through the history and offer up the problem to which I need some serious experience, strength, and hope.

I have to stress the need for experience, not lecturing, advice or whatever.

A while ago I took on a female sponsee. This is a woman I have known for a while, respect, admire, and frankly would not think twice about getting into the lifeboat with. She is an attractive woman, close in age to myself. Which I was aware of when I said yes, but was equally aware that she is married, a mother, and although I can acknowledge she is an attractive woman would not hinder my ability to sponsor her objectively.

And its been one of the most valuable sponsor-sponsee relationships I've had in a long time. Its been one of the most valuable friendships I've had in a while too, and more times than not that's how we act - simply as friends.

Problem is that I've recently become aware she has feelings for me. Mostly because she said so. Which now leaves me with the problem of what to do now. Whether this is something that can be acknowledged, accepted, and transcended or if she is better off finding a new sponsor. To be honest, if my area was overflowing with sane women with time, she wouldn't have asked me to sponsor her.

RW

[emmanuel2012]

in love, there are no rules. but i think if you asked anyone up in the ladder of NA, the solution is that its time for her to get another sponsor, preferably of the female gender.

one thing i noticed from the limited input, however, is that she is married. give it some time to see if she seperates from her husband but dont suggest that, because a married woman having those feelings and acting on them (by telling you) should seperate. if you like her but do not give it time for a seperation on her part, you would be dating someone who wouldnt tell you if she had other feelings for someone else. dont worry im not assuming you like her, but its a possibility. don't advise her to seperate either or not seperate, that is up to her and her own heart. so tell her that it is her decision ultimately to do that. i have no experience with female sponsees, it usually doesnt happen for these very reasons you explained.

you asked not for advice but you got some anyway. :p i had a female sponsor once, as a temporary one and it was good, completely not even attracted to each other which was the whole point. there was absolutely no romance there, but i am now looking for a male sponsor of course to avoid any of that.

[best]

Add a third to the group and all meetings held with all three at all times.
Talk it over with her and be safe rather then sorry.
End the relationship.
No face to face meetings.
Meetings only in open, public places..At all times.
A car is not an open public place.

What ever your choice becomes...
Safe then sorry should be your thought guide.
Just as drugs and alcohol can pull us in and denial sets a strong hold.
Emotions and love can blind us just as much. before we know it...BAM!

better safe then sorry is the best for both of you.
Make your choices with that in mind.

[Gooch]

I have to stress the need for experience, not lecturing, advice or whatever.

read the sponsorship pamphlet ?

the best place to get experience, not lecturing, advice, whatever is in the literature.

it's pretty hard to shop for answers there.

You allready know what the right thing to do is.

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by Ringworm

... I have to stress the need for experience, not lecturing, advice or whatever....

I've seen a number of folks do the "cross-gender" sponsorship thing. Sooner or later, one or the other will develop emotional complications. In this hi-tech age of telephones, internet and world-wide conferences it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to find somebody of a non-compatible gender that is willing to listen.

The whole point of sponsorship is to find somebody that won't fall for my B.S. I find that it is fairly easy for guys to BS gals, and vice versa. When I sponsor a guy, I learn a whole lot more about _me_ than I think I'm giving back. When I have deep, personal conversations on the same subject with the ladies in the program I also learn, but nowhere near as much as I do with a guy.

I am a member of fellowships that are overwhelmingly female (Al-Anon and Incest Survivors Anonymous) When I was in need of serious insight in those programs that only a sponsor could handle I found me a shrink. A male shrink.

My experience: Sooner or later hormones will assert themselves.
Strength: I've done just fine by using a shrink as a substitute sponsor.
Hope: With the internet and the telephone it's no longer a problem.

Mike :-)

[nutz]

I had a beautiful young babe asked me to sposor her..holy schmoly
That didn't go over will with my girl friend, which of course
was also in recovery.

one addict/alki helping another is without parallel.
She just thought we had alot in common with her as far as
our background and story. I try to treat her like she's my sister.lmaf
We never had any problem with it...everybody else did.lol
So I just told her I'll be a temp until she could find a female sponsor.
But she kinda got fustrated with this rules craps. I did too.
I just love her for who she was not what plumbing she has.
Yeah...our common thread...."just love me as I am."

I have feelings for all my sponsee. She's just purddier and smells better.
Everybody has emotions.
Everybody have emotional sickness...even the normies (12 & 12).

BOTTOMLINE/FOUNDATION or the BASE of the TRIANGLE
...GOODWILL to ALL.
Sure, she was a knock out and i had all the crap runing through my head.
And yeah, i had to work my program harder or check myself more and more.
Which require me to look deep in my heart. It was a learning process
of TRUSTING myself. GOD sends peaple into my life for reasons.
Sometimes I don't get it.lol

You know...if you're seriouse about recovery/12 steps, don't F@%K around
get into a relationship.lmaf Ain't nothing like a relationship to
get you calling your sponsor and locking yourself in the bathroom
and praying your arss off.lol

[Gooch]

Originally Posted by nutz

You know...if you're seriouse about recovery/12 steps, don't F@%K around
get into a relationship.lmaf Ain't nothing like a relationship to
get you calling your sponsor and locking yourself in the bathroom
and praying your arss off.lol

Ain't that the truth ! lol

good stuff nutz

[Rarly Harley]

I am married to a woman in recovery. When I was deciding whether to get married or not, my sponsor had me read page 119 in the 12 x 12. I will include it in my post... It is only when "boy meets girl on AA campus," and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop. The prospective partners need to be solid A.A's and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking. The other passage he referred me to is this one.... " We can speak love with our lips, and hide lust in a dark corner of our minds". Hope this helps. I agree with Gooch. You already know what the right thing to do is.

[Ringworm]

As an update.. and just to keep everybody's interest piqued

The last time we saw one another was definitely different from the norm. On more than one occassion she caught me daydreaming, which is not that unusual for me. The problem is what I found myself daydreaming about, even if only for a few seconds.

Unfortunately she knows me well enough to piece this stuff together. The plot thickens.

RW

[best]

Emotions and love can blind us just as much. before we know it...BAM!

It isn't the actions that do it...it is the daydreams that turn into the BAM!

[nutz]

If you wern't dreaming , I say there's sum'in wrong with ya.lol

Fire her!!!!!.So you can participate.lol
This way you can be her hubbi and really, really do support.lmaf
Oki doki....screw guilt.
The big book even say....you gotta take a chance on love.lol
Or you can live the rest of your life....with the what if or regrets.
Trust me, you think your head is spining ,now. Regrets is another zone.
You can't grow if you stay in your comfort zone.lol
I take heartbroken/failure over regrets/not knowing anyday.
You're seriouse about recovery ??? lmaf
FACE EVERYTHING AND RECOVER.

Regret= suming you don't do or say for what you really feel in your heat.
It is inconsaluable.

There's a cool book i got. 1000 aNd 1 way to be Romatic.lmaf
What all U dudes came out of womb knowing this stuff ??
And my daddi just went out of his damn way to educate me on how to
use a condum. So much to learn when you get clean and sober.lol
I gave it to one of my sponsee thou....darn !!!