Attack of the relapse

[Dstruggler]

certain things set the cravings off for me happy,sad,mad,glad,bored,etc.etc..........but this time of year is realy tough I have always delt with depression but this time of year is realy hard.My family is not on good terms this year,mainly because of my relapse this past year.they have delt with me for years.I see the dissappointment,in the last two years I got custody of my kids got married had a wonderfull job.this seems minor to most but to someone who has been dealing with addiction most of there life since I was 11 now 32 it was everything I had ever wanted.At my wedding my brothers gave a toast saying if only you knew where this man has came from they knew the "scars" I bared reminders of where I have been.I told my wife a short while after we first met I was an addict.She is the type of person maybe a glass of wine on her B-DAY.So when I relapsed all she said was I did not know to what extinct your addiction was she was stunned.She did not know how or what to do ,I knew from the first day I relapsed it was going to be bad.Take my money take me to get gas she didnt want to believe that I was this person that was telling her to do these things.So she said nothing and she left it devistated her I still love her she didnt know what to do.I still have custody of the kids but I had to let them go stay with there mother while I get back on my feet.I let them down they are 13 and 11 they are wonderful. I did not lie to them I was straight up with them.They took it better than I was expecting them to,they said daddy we just want you to get better we love you.Wow where did all this come from.I have strung a few days clean here and there.God how I want a clean date I can die with yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs from know.I guess one of the hardest things is getting to that place where we want to be and it comes out of no where and says start all over again its realy hard but some how I have to get the I wanna attitude and come back better and stronger than ever.

[Grimnar]

To thine own self be true.

Small steps.

Keep posting.

[ibhmn]

I've heard many people praise AA and the wonderful meetings and people there. I'm considering it myself. It sounds like a really good way to help you get control of things and possibly get your kids back in your life more.

Good luck whatever you choose to do...

[dalin]

glad you are here...we need you

[dalin]

Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Palmdale CA
Posts: 741 relapse inventory worksheet

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Recovery/Relapse Inventory Worksheet

The whole point of this worksheet is to look back and identify and discover in what areas you failed to work your program of recovery. If we don’t learn from our relapses.....and become aware of what not to do again…..we are destined to repeat those same mistakes.

If you are willing to at least look at your thinking, feelings, and behavior that led up to the relapse…..you are moving towards recovery, not away from it.

It is just as important to look at assets, as well as liabilities. We look at what was working as opposed to what didn’t work and identify problem areas. These are the areas we want to bring into our awareness this time….so they won’t slip below the radar again.

In what ways was I actively working my program? (explain/describe, include feelings)
Meetings?
Sponsor?
Steps?
Higher power?
Service?

In what areas did I let my program slide or become complacent? (explain/describe, include feelings)
Meetings?
Sponsor?
Steps?
Higher power?
Service?

In what ways was my life manageable?(explain/describe, include feelings)
Mentally?
Emotionally?
Physically?
Spiritually?

In what ways was my life unmanageable? (explain/describe – be specific, include feelings)
Mentally?
Emotionally?
Physically?
Spiritually?

What events/situations affected my life negatively? (people, places, things, relationships, work)
How did I handle those events? (positive/negative)
What choices (self-will) do I think led me back into unmanageability?
Were these choices well thought out or impulsive reactions? Did you choose by default and ignore the warning signs)
In what ways was I in denial of the direction I was heading?
What circumstances could I have handled differently? In what way?

How was my emotional life unmanageable without the use of drugs? (in what ways – describe feelings and over what).

What were my thinking processes? (describe) Was I lying to myself? Did I justify my actions?

How did my behavior change? In what ways?

In what areas did I lack faith or not use my Higher Powers Guidance?

In what ways did my character defects come into play? (explain/describe all areas)
Denial?
Dishonesty?
Selfishness?
Stealing? Emotional stealing others trust?
Emotional, physical, sexual, financial manipulation of others?
Distrust of self and others?
Resentments? How they affected me and what actions did I take / or not take?
Self reliance/isolation?
Blame? Who did I blame for my feelings and why?
Did I abandon myself?

In what ways did I depend on others to meet my needs?
Where did I not take responsibility for myself and my program?
In what ways did I give my power to others?

Now looking at the answers to all these questions – Identify the problem areas?

List them:

What do I need to work on?
What do I need to watch for? Warning signs? Triggers?

In my best thinking…..How could I actively stay aware and work my program differently this time? (explain/describe).

What active actions can I take to promote my recovery?

How does my behavior need to change?

How will I rely on my Higher power to help me make these changes?

How can I align my will with my Higher powers guidance?

What can I do this time that I did not do last time to ensure a stronger program.

What does a complete surrender mean to me?
__________________
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, we can all start from today and make a brand new ending.
~Carl Bard~

[Tommygun]

Originally Posted by Dstruggler

certain things set the cravings off for me happy,sad,mad,glad,bored,etc.etc..........but this time of year is realy tough I have always delt with depression but this time of year is realy hard.My family is not on good terms this year,mainly because of my relapse this past year.they have delt with me for years.I see the dissappointment,in the last two years I got custody of my kids got married had a wonderfull job.this seems minor to most but to someone who has been dealing with addiction most of there life since I was 11 now 32 it was everything I had ever wanted.At my wedding my brothers gave a toast saying if only you knew where this man has came from they knew the "scars" I bared reminders of where I have been.I told my wife a short while after we first met I was an addict.She is the type of person maybe a glass of wine on her B-DAY.So when I relapsed all she said was I did not know to what extinct your addiction was she was stunned.She did not know how or what to do ,I knew from the first day I relapsed it was going to be bad.Take my money take me to get gas she didnt want to believe that I was this person that was telling her to do these things.So she said nothing and she left it devistated her I still love her she didnt know what to do.I still have custody of the kids but I had to let them go stay with there mother while I get back on my feet.I let them down they are 13 and 11 they are wonderful. I did not lie to them I was straight up with them.They took it better than I was expecting them to,they said daddy we just want you to get better we love you.Wow where did all this come from.I have strung a few days clean here and there.God how I want a clean date I can die with yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs from know.I guess one of the hardest things is getting to that place where we want to be and it comes out of no where and says start all over again its realy hard but some how I have to get the I wanna attitude and come back better and stronger than ever.

Hey Bro keep you head up and you focus. I have been through 9-12 rehabs and out of the rooms of NA for years. I always did it to please others. To save a relationship, a job or to put on the show for my family. My last time out I almost dies 4 times by the hands of others and 3 times ny my own. My last rush was my best rush it is the one that negotiated my terms for surrender. I saw 4 angels come in and get my body moving. I was completely alone. NO ONE knew where I was. It scared the hell out of me at that point after 33 yrs. active addiction, 4 prison terms and and in out of rehabs . I found the willingness. I have lost everything so many times. My family had nothing to do with me for many years. last Holiday seaseon I spent alone but I was clean and that was all that mattered. I was doing it for me. a

[Tommygun]

Originally Posted by Dstruggler

certain things set the cravings off for me happy,sad,mad,glad,bored,etc.etc..........but this time of year is realy tough I have always delt with depression but this time of year is realy hard.My family is not on good terms this year,mainly because of my relapse this past year.they have delt with me for years.I see the dissappointment,in the last two years I got custody of my kids got married had a wonderfull job.this seems minor to most but to someone who has been dealing with addiction most of there life since I was 11 now 32 it was everything I had ever wanted.At my wedding my brothers gave a toast saying if only you knew where this man has came from they knew the "scars" I bared reminders of where I have been.I told my wife a short while after we first met I was an addict.She is the type of person maybe a glass of wine on her B-DAY.So when I relapsed all she said was I did not know to what extinct your addiction was she was stunned.She did not know how or what to do ,I knew from the first day I relapsed it was going to be bad.Take my money take me to get gas she didnt want to believe that I was this person that was telling her to do these things.So she said nothing and she left it devistated her I still love her she didnt know what to do.I still have custody of the kids but I had to let them go stay with there mother while I get back on my feet.I let them down they are 13 and 11 they are wonderful. I did not lie to them I was straight up with them.They took it better than I was expecting them to,they said daddy we just want you to get better we love you.Wow where did all this come from.I have strung a few days clean here and there.God how I want a clean date I can die with yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs from know.I guess one of the hardest things is getting to that place where we want to be and it comes out of no where and says start all over again its realy hard but some how I have to get the I wanna attitude and come back better and stronger than ever.

Hey Bro keep you head up and you focus. I have been through 9-12 rehabs and out of the rooms of NA for years. I always did it to please others. To save a relationship, a job or to put on the show for my family. My last time out I almost dies 4 times by the hands of others and 3 times ny my own. My last rush was my best rush it is the one that negotiated my terms for surrender. I saw 4 angels come in and get my body moving. I was completely alone. NO ONE knew where I was. It scared the hell out of me at that point after 33 yrs. active addiction, 4 prison terms and and in out of rehabs . I found the willingness. I have lost everything so many times. My family had nothing to do with me for many years. last Holiday seaseon I spent alone but I was clean and that was all that mattered. I was doing it for me. A little while back I lost my job, my car, my place to live, and my girlfriend cheated on me. I was down and out but I chose to stay clean. I know if I use I will die. Today I am engaged, I have another car, another job, and a child on the way. continue to work a program, go to meetings, call your sponsor regularly, and do step work. Stay busy and don't give your mind the time to think about it. The triggers are in ouir own heads. Just for FYI.they say 90 in 90 I did 13 a week for the first 6 mos. of my recovery. That set a fundation and i was associating with people who all they wanted was for me to stay clean. Find the willingness in yourself and the strenght from a power greater than yourself

You Can do It!!

[GoldenGutters]

One Day At A Time.....if not 'one minute at a time'.

This To Shall Pass.......your current ugly situation is NOT permanent.

Think, Think, Think...........before you take that next drink/drug, think about where it always takes you in the end, and where you end up.

And most importantly

Keep Coming Back....you are NOT alone.

[SaTiT]

I relapsed after having 11 years clean and sober.
I currently have two years again, but I'm more well than I've ever been.

Yeap the Holidays are hard. I've always felt like I was the blacksheep
of the family to begin with. It took a couple of years of me being clean
and sober before I was allow to step a foot into my parent's home.
My father was more conserned with what the nieghbor where going
to thing with me being an alki. My mother was more understanding.

Nothing absolutely nothing I did or is doing will ever please my father.
The man had never priased me for one note, one melody, one song.
A lot of my decisions making are based on the that. My worth to my father.
Some of my actions were self-destructive becuase i Just wanted
the man just to love love me for who i was....his son.
He just critizied me and told me I was a worhtless piece of crap.

I told myself I would never treat my children like the way i was treated...
But ya know.....it's a trip when you're tolded you act just like your father.
Plus i was sober at the time too !!

This is one of those things I had to work through in the pass 2 years.
My self worth without the approval of my father.
Yeap some unresolved anger.

But ultimatley, I got clean and sober for ME !!!!
Not my parents not anyone else. Not even my duaghter.
I lost my duaghter in a bitter divorce during my drinking.
I thought it was the love for her that kept me alive.
I still have to re-unit with my duaghter after all these years.

As you already know a drink won't fix anything.
As alki/addicts we are never cured.

Growning pain of sorts, perhapse.
Sometimes we go through the down swing of life...it'll pass.
However my ESH show, it's a regenerting stage or a part of enlightment.

As you know Humility is one of the principle of recovery.
It was a humbling experince for me to admit my relapes after 11 years.
And many had laid the path before me and help me.

[Tommygun]

We may lose some clean time from a relapse, but we don't lose our recovery. We still know what needs to be done and how to do it. It is just getting off our pity pot, realizing we did it to ourself and if we want things to get better, get back at it. minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, however you do it, but do it.

[best]

Originally Posted by Tommygun

Last Holiday season I spent alone but I was clean and that was all that mattered.

I remember one Holiday season...I was by myself but I was not alone.
I took a look up and had such a peace in an empty room.

[JD86]

dont dring or drug TODAY..........


end of story... the rest will take care of itself....


ps... if this works today... try it again tomorrow.......