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nucldragr · 08-06-2005, 10:15 PM

I am in dire straights right now. Just found out about the fact that my wife, of 6 years, has become close friends with the person who she had an affair with last year. Now I have told her to "just be honest" so she feels a new freedom to talk to him. She says that his "advice" is helping our marriage more than hurting, but I will never condone her being friends with a LOW-LIFE like him. So then, the question is do I fish or cut bait? I mean I have done a lot in the way of forgiving and trying to trust again, but then I find out about all this deception in our relationship. Now, I am no saint myself, but I feel like my legs have been cut out from under me. She informed me today that she hasen't given up on me completely; just our marriage. Wondering if there is someone who can relate/ encourage me through this? Sorry about the rabbling, but it is easier to talk to people this way sometimes, especially other men. Thank You.

nucldragr

chris k · 08-06-2005, 10:30 PM

How is talking to a guy she has cheated on you with helping your marrige if she has given up on your marrige?

08-06-2005, 11:23 PM

I feel for you nucl. Unfortunatley my last marriage went thru something very similar, which is a big part of why shes my ex now. I "cut bait". It was what was best for me then, and I'm much better off now for doing it. It seems to me however, that its one of those things a person needs to look inside themselves for, be "gut level" honest about inside, make a decision, (one way or the other), make a plan as best possible, and work that plan as best possible.

We don't ever know the answer ahead of time obviously, we can only do the best we can at the time. But like Chris asked, how can another guy be helping if she admits shes given up on the marriage? Seems it would be different if it were a female friend she was confiding in.

Whichever you choose, good luck.

nucldragr · 08-07-2005, 12:13 AM

My biggest Hang-up with "cutting bait", is I want for my three small children to grow up with mom and dad living together. I wonder if we are doing them a bigger injustice by staying together and fighting all the time. I quess I need advice about that as well. Please and Thank You.

nucldragr

chris k · 08-07-2005, 07:06 AM

I would guess you already know the answerto these questions. I stayed in a bad relationship longer than I should have, "for the kid". The truth was I was afraid to be alone and start over.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nucldragr

My biggest Hang-up with "cutting bait", is I want for my three small children to grow up with mom and dad living together. I wonder if we are doing them a bigger injustice by staying together and fighting all the time. I quess I need advice about that as well. Please and Thank You.

nucldragr

08-07-2005, 07:18 AM

My split involved my two childeren, they were 5 & 6 at the time. They spent alot of timing hiding in thier room while we fought, and they spent alot of time getting yelled at by both of us for things they didn't understand.

They live with thier mother now, they see and talk to me more now than when I lived with them. We are closer, and they trust me again.

Don't get me wrong, it was painful, very painful for them and me, but the marriage kept getting worse, and so did the family.

Its not at all easy, especially with kids.

Time2Surrender · 08-07-2005, 07:19 AM

Sorry,sounds to me like your marriage is already over.Thats a little much.As for the guy? Im very sorry to say,but I believe I would have to kick his f#cking a$$.Get a bad a$$ lawyer and take the kids with you,or leave them with mama if you think its better.Either way,nobody should have to live like that.Its just not worth it.Life is way to short for that.

**DesertEyes** · 08-07-2005, 08:35 AM

Been there, done that. Wife dumped me for three other guys. I went thru h()*&* and then some. I stayed in the marriage too long, for all the wrong reasons, just like others have mentioned here.

What helped me the most is to learn about "boundaries" in the program of Al-Anon. I learned that I had them, and what they were, and how important they are for me. With the tools of Al-Anon I have learned a great deal about _me_ and how sick my relationship had become. It's the old story of not being able to see the forest for the trees, especiall when you're in the middle of the forest and it's on fire.

Mike :-)

Dan · 08-07-2005, 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doug

Its not at all easy, especially with kids.

Count me in.
I left three months ago. It just became impossible to have mom and dad together anymore.
It was the hardest thing I ever did.
The circumstances were different than yours, nucldragr. But in the end, the deciding factor was this; my children deserve two happy parents.
There's no instruction manual for parenting.
I can only trust that the love I have for my children will guide them and I.

08-06-2005, 10:15 PM	#1 (permalink)
nucldragr Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Stuck in my Head!! Posts: 35	Maybe "YOU" can help I am in dire straights right now. Just found out about the fact that my wife, of 6 years, has become close friends with the person who she had an affair with last year. Now I have told her to "just be honest" so she feels a new freedom to talk to him. She says that his "advice" is helping our marriage more than hurting, but I will never condone her being friends with a LOW-LIFE like him. So then, the question is do I fish or cut bait? I mean I have done a lot in the way of forgiving and trying to trust again, but then I find out about all this deception in our relationship. Now, I am no saint myself, but I feel like my legs have been cut out from under me. She informed me today that she hasen't given up on me completely; just our marriage. Wondering if there is someone who can relate/ encourage me through this? Sorry about the rabbling, but it is easier to talk to people this way sometimes, especially other men. Thank You. nucldragr

08-07-2005, 08:35 AM	#8 (permalink)
DesertEyes Starting over Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Starting over all over again Posts: 3,117	Been there, done that. Wife dumped me for three other guys. I went thru h()& and then some. I stayed in the marriage too long, for all the wrong reasons, just like others have mentioned here. What helped me the most is to learn about "boundaries" in the program of Al-Anon. I learned that I had them, and what they were, and how important they are for me. With the tools of Al-Anon I have learned a great deal about _me_ and how sick my relationship had become. It's the old story of not being able to see the forest for the trees, especiall when you're in the middle of the forest and it's on fire. Mike :-) __________________ Sunsets are not endings. If I have enough faith, they are beginnings.

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08-06-2005, 10:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
chris k Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Mesquite TX Posts: 244	How is talking to a guy she has cheated on you with helping your marrige if she has given up on your marrige?

08-06-2005, 11:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
Doug Guest Posts: n/a	I feel for you nucl. Unfortunatley my last marriage went thru something very similar, which is a big part of why shes my ex now. I "cut bait". It was what was best for me then, and I'm much better off now for doing it. It seems to me however, that its one of those things a person needs to look inside themselves for, be "gut level" honest about inside, make a decision, (one way or the other), make a plan as best possible, and work that plan as best possible. We don't ever know the answer ahead of time obviously, we can only do the best we can at the time. But like Chris asked, how can another guy be helping if she admits shes given up on the marriage? Seems it would be different if it were a female friend she was confiding in. Whichever you choose, good luck.

08-07-2005, 12:13 AM	#4 (permalink)
nucldragr Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Stuck in my Head!! Posts: 35	My biggest Hang-up with "cutting bait", is I want for my three small children to grow up with mom and dad living together. I wonder if we are doing them a bigger injustice by staying together and fighting all the time. I quess I need advice about that as well. Please and Thank You. nucldragr

08-07-2005, 07:18 AM	#6 (permalink)
Doug Guest Posts: n/a	My split involved my two childeren, they were 5 & 6 at the time. They spent alot of timing hiding in thier room while we fought, and they spent alot of time getting yelled at by both of us for things they didn't understand. They live with thier mother now, they see and talk to me more now than when I lived with them. We are closer, and they trust me again. Don't get me wrong, it was painful, very painful for them and me, but the marriage kept getting worse, and so did the family. Its not at all easy, especially with kids.

08-07-2005, 07:19 AM	#7 (permalink)
Time2Surrender Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Washington State Posts: 7,263 Blog Entries: 7	Sorry,sounds to me like your marriage is already over.Thats a little much.As for the guy? Im very sorry to say,but I believe I would have to kick his f#cking a$$.Get a bad a$$ lawyer and take the kids with you,or leave them with mama if you think its better.Either way,nobody should have to live like that.Its just not worth it.Life is way to short for that.

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