Wondering

[LifeSavings]

How does someone who is 21 years old, three years Sober, in a relationship for almost a year now with a wonderful lady, who he thinks he loves, still overwhelmingly lustful, and how does he make his head shut up?

[ksos]

Overwhelmingly lustful? Three years sober is quite an accomplishment, but are you three years recovered from addiction? I am unsure as to what you mean about the lust issue, but it caught my eye as this is a primary problem that I have had and it has pretty much wrecked my life.

Feel free to expand upon your initial post as this may be a topic of enormous interest here.

21 years old and 3 years sober. Thats terrific!

How'd you do it?

[LifeSavings]

Overwhelmingly lustful to me is finding girls attravtive and thinking about ahving sex with them, I did the SA thing for 2 years but found I could not keep thier sobriety statement, i think about it a lot with lots of different girls, really only when i see them though, i dont think about it if they r not around, I'm not sure how I am suppose to deal with this and is it normal to be driven by hormones have the time if Im only 21 as long as I dont act on it...I stayed sober cuz alcohol and drugs kicked my ass

[William]

Hi LS,

I hear you man....I am now 16 months sober, coming off a two year relapse (before this relapse I had over 8 years). One of the most difficult things for me right now is my thoughts...I am HAPPILY married but I find my fantasy thoughts fill my head somedays and I don't even realise it. I think that flirting, masturbation, pornography etc.. are like a drug for me. They are used to ease pain, forget, distract etc...so I am trying very hard to think of them as another addiction. And one day at a time, I am working on it. My sponsor asked me once..."what doyou have to give up, to feed these thoughts?"

Something to think about...

Take care,

-William

[Daniel]

It seems to me that one of the key questions here is just what exactly is your head saying that you want it to shut up? It sounds like you have a major struggle ongoing within you.

Is it saying that it's OK to go back to drugs and alcohol? Your statement that they kicked you in the ass seems to indicate something different. Still, is there a piece of you that tries to argue that they won't hurt because this time you can control them? If so, this is something you need to analyze and talk out with someone. With three years of clean time under your belt, you know that life without drugs is good. You have to remember that they "kicked you" every time you hear them calling out to come back to them.

Lustful at 21? Unless you are acting on your lustful impulses, I would say that you're probably not a whole lot different from most guys your age. At 21, you are just past your sexual prime (sorry to break it to you) and still revved up and ready to go. Of course, if you're constantly acting out your lust and it is interfering with your ability to enjoy life (as did drugs and alcohol), then your problem goes deeper.

So, again, what message are you hearing in your head that you want to stop hearing? That sounds like an important part of your post.

[SeattleDoc]

I have had two sponsees get drunk on me as a result of sexual addiction, so my expereince would suggest that this is an issue that needs to be taken seriously.

I am 57, happily married for 35 years, and sober for 14 years and I have an active sexual fantasy life and SO DOES EVERYBODY ELSE. That is NORMAL. When you get married, sober, old, etc, they don't cut off your dick!

Now......the problem arises when the behavior becomes compulsive. Are you spending hours surfing the net porn sites? Are you neglecting normal relationships in favor of "kinky" ones?
ARE YOU ENGAGING IN THIS BEHAVIOR DESPITE OBVIOUS NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES?

Many times we get numbed out by our drug of choice and are completely unable to feel any emotion. When we get clean/sober, sometimes it takes some time to sort them all out.

Seattle Doc

[The Jay Walker]

Im 45, and sober 7 years, maried for 18.

I have always had a weakness for the ladies, but have been able to stay faithfull.

like Doc said, it is normal to fantasise, and have urges, unless its compulsive, or causing other problems.

[fuster]

At your age I was thinking with my "little head", not my "big head". Sounds pretty normal to me, only problem is it makes sobriety an added challenge.

I could not settle down when I was in my 20's, so I did not last long in monogamous relationships, but I tried not to cheat on them, honest (most of the time I succeeded in that goal).

Hard to stay in recovery at your age, I admire your strength. The hormones? Enjoy them, you are in your prime so go get 'em, stud!

:king:

[ted]

I HAVE TO AGREE,THOSE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE NATURAL.WOMEN CAN SIDETRACK YOU ,IF YOU LET THEM.BIG BOOK (HOW IT WORKS) PGS68-71 3RD EDITION,MIGHT ANSWER SOME OF YOUR QUESTIONS. STAY STRONG ted :wife

[Dan]

I was giving my young son a bath one night and while playing with his penis he said: "Daddy, is this my brain?" Not yet son, my wife said!

( read in a magazine)
DD

[Indy46220]

Tossin in two cents worth (hopefully).......

For some reason there's this notion that our thoughts *have* to change once we get into recovery. I dont know about that. It's inevitable I'm gonna have some strange things pass through my synapses, I think it's more important what I do with them.

Steve

[Indy46220]

Tossin in two cents worth (hopefully).......

For some reason there's this notion that our thoughts *have* to change once we get into recovery. I dont know about that. It's inevitable I'm gonna have some strange things pass through my synapses, I think it's more important what I do with them.

Steve

[Stoic]

I recalled this threat the other day when I was reading about cybersex as the "crack cocaine" of the internet. Seattledoc mentioned at least two sponsees who fell off the wagon as a consequence of sexual compulsion. I read that alcohol and drug use is often associated with internet sex, and that even without it, brain chemistry is affected by the experience.

It's understandable that drinking might lead to online sex, by reducing inhibitions. But does online sex lead to relapse? Is it just another addiction, producing a "high" from the experience, like gambling?