Walking through a minefield

[Wesley]

Anyone have any sound suggestions for handling this situation: my wife (soon to be ex-wife) tells me during a rant that she can't be around me and is blaming me for her being in the town in which we live, despite the fact that she and her ex-fiancee moved here before I knew her. So, she invites me to lunch and I am somewhat hesitant after the last rant. I agree and ask where, which leads to her calling me and accusing me of being passive and malevolent. I had no malevolent intention in my body at the time, I was just tiptoeing through what can be volatile as hell sometimes. Anyway, I know I have to let this go, but we have small kids together which necessitates some communication. Point is, I don't have the time, energy, or inclination to be mean or nasty to her. I did enough of that during my drinking and am working hard at being a better human being. She can't seem to get that and any time her internal trigger is pulled by whatever, I get blasted by her. It's exhausting and I wish she would just let it go and move on.

[Ghostly]

You can't control her reaction to you. Keep being decent to her. Be the better person. Hopefully she will appreciate this eventually. Some arguments can never be won, no matter how much logic one person uses. Good luck.

[Wesley]

thanks. sometimes I just need the reminder to do the next right thing.

[unknown1941]

...could be a co-dependency thing... just offering that up for free.

[Wesley]

Thanks....and I will always take a look at free advice.

[soidog]

I would echo the others in saying that yes, its important that if she is the one creating the negative vibes and feeling, let her shoulder that, not you. Seems like she is just trying to get you down. It doesn't seem like a good situation to me if her intent just seems to be to hurt you. That's a losing situation for all.

But I'm curious, you mentioned that she would soon be your ex-wife. So are you divorcing soon? If so, it seems to me that means that would get her off your back, at least on a daily basis, right? But as you mention, in the long run yes it is important to maintain at the very least a civil and working relationship for the sake of your children. I guess I would just encourage you to stick through whatever time you have left until the separation happens. I know divorce sucks and can be a horrible experience. Hope you pull through.

[Wesley]

Soidog,

We have been separated for almost 2 years. I spent a lot of that time hoping it would work. I have focused more on working my program in the past several months, and generally, feel pretty good. It's the times when she seems to come unhinged over something trivial that make me nuts. But, I have gotten good advice here, and from my sponsor, and have been able to stay the course despite her anger. It's also not my first marriage/divorce, so part of me had hoped to salvage this one and maintain sobriety. But, sobriety first, the rest second. Thanks again.

[Wesley]

It gets better. She told me yesterday that she is 4 months pregnant by the man with whom she was not in a relationship, she is moving in June with our two small children (I assume to live with guy, which is a few hundred miles away), quitting her job, and going back to school. Wow! And she is acting pissed off at me. I am holding my own with all of this, and focusing on my kids (ages 4 and 2). This is a living example of letting go of that which I cannot control. There would have been a time.......