Not taking her inventory

[Wesley]

I wasn't sure where to post this, so here goes. I am in recovery for nearly 18 months and have been in/out of the program for a number of years with one stint of sobriety lasting 9 years. My 3rd marriage is ending up in divorce, and I find myself taking her inventory mentally. I catch myself, but I need some suggestions for letting it go. She blames me for a lot of her past relationship baggage, which morphs into all kinds of other blame, shame, etc. All she can do is focus on how she is working on her resentments towards me for my behavior. I have tried unsuccessfully to discusse my resentments towards her, which invariably end up in an argument. I have finally been able to navigate that conversation without getting angry, resentful, or hanging up on her. But the nagging thought of wanting to rip into her about her behavior during the course of our marriage is still there. I managed it this time, but want to continue to stay out of the inventory taking mentality and be who I am without conceding that I am a horrible person. I don't know if this makes any sense, but we have small kids together and she is considering moving quite a distance away. I know I will manage that if and when the time comes. I just find myself mentally exhausted because it does not seem fair that I get all of my past behavior hurled at me and I can't throw anything back. Help!

[Dee74]

Are you still in AA wesley?
I'm not, but I'm told the steps are a great resource for getting rid of resentments.

For me, yeah, I'd be trying to think of the kids and not making scenes.
If the relationship is over, does it really matter (apart from ego) if she gets to hear what you think of her?

Holding a resentment is understandable, but it's like poisoning yourself from the inside...
been there done that (not in sobriety tho....it was like Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor)

Are you ok with the divorce or are you being pulled along here?

D

[Wesley]

Yes, still in AA and working the steps. I don't want the divorce, but she cannot let go of her resentments toward me. You're right, I just need to let go and focus on my recovery and being a good parent to my kids. Thanks for your reply.

[unknown1941]

finding peace & freedom within yourself will go a long way in assisting others along the way.
( I adapted that from the airlines: ... place the oxygen mask over your mouth and nose before attempting to help others...)

[Wesley]

Thanks for the feedback, and you're all right - I need let it go and focus on sobriety and gratitude and what is good and positive. I think I have had a mental shift in the past few days/week. I didn't respond to the latest madness, and although it took some time, it felt better to do that than to have ripped into her. So, that being said, I think I have come to accept that the marriage is over and that my life can move forward. I have great kids who love me and want me in their lives, and a supportive family, plus an awesome sobriety community of which I am a part. So, thanks again for the support and good words. I am grateful!