Sex in the first year? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

es0919 · 10-19-2009, 03:17 PM

What are your opinions? I'm not talking about a relationship, but just like a one night stand.

Overman · 10-19-2009, 10:57 PM

I don't see a problem with it, as long as it isn't substance induced, and you use protection.

Also helps if there is a mutual understanding that its not going to proceed further than a one-time deal.

Just my 2 cents.

huntsober · 10-23-2009, 10:33 AM

"Would you consider that a healthy choice? How do you feel about that?"
Thats right.

Its about change. Not using or not using.

Ago · 10-23-2009, 10:56 AM

be honest

don't harm others

don't drink

who and what you do is your own business

who and what you harm isn't

simple

read page 69 and the next few pages in the BB whether you do AA or not, good sound advice about sex there

If the two of you need your ashes hauled and it's clearly understood that's what that is, what the two of you do is your own business, not anyone else's, however, every time you sleep with her after that one time you are taking out an emotional "chit" that you WILL pay for at some point.

a woman with 25 years of sobriety gave me those tidbits nearly 20 years ago when I was new

Ago · 10-23-2009, 11:07 AM

PS taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable female newcomer falls under the category of harming others

joeallan · 11-05-2009, 12:21 PM

Just use protection.

Joe

ElegantlyWasted · 11-05-2009, 12:57 PM

Don't 13th step! Huntsober has a great name for this thread! Ago has
timeless wisdom. As you continue grow in sobriety, your 13 th step will be something you will amend. Your sexuality is your business, as long as there is a real meeting of minds no worries. My issue is with a newcomer where there is no mind to meet.

AlwaysGrowing · 11-12-2009, 06:12 PM

Man has needs.. As long I don't hurt anyone or decieve anyone I was all over it.

Gmoney · 11-23-2009, 08:01 PM

I agree with everyone here.

What two consenting adults do behind closed doors is their business. Did I have sex during my 1st year clean? Of course I did, and so did almost everyone else I knew that was in recovery at the time. Just because we decide to get clean doesn't mean we stop being human and having sexual desires. Women want it just as bad as men do.

What I believe is important is starting to live differently. Which brings us to the "one night stand" thing. If you know like I do, most women want a REAL relationship...not just a one time bump in the night. Sure, they may make out with you and claim they want nothing more, but they really hope that you'll like them enough to come back for more. There's an expectation connected more times than not. We can minimize or rationalize all we want, but any human interaction is a relationship.

For me, living differently meant thinking about how my acting out will effect someone else. So instead of talking afterwards about what I didn't or don't want, I learned to get honest upfront...allowing them the best opportunity to decide what they wanted to do. No victims...only volunteers.

My only words of caution: Women aren't the only ones who lay down and get up with feelings.

brother · 11-26-2009, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ago

be honest

don't harm others

don't drink...

...what the two of you do is your own business, not anyone else's, however, every time you sleep with her after that one time you are taking out an emotional "chit" that you WILL pay for at some point.

a woman with 25 years of sobriety gave me those tidbits nearly 20 years ago when I was new

Brilliant! Thank you, Ago. The emotional 'chit' dynamic is plain for me to see in past relationships!

The practical side of me thinks I only get better in relationships through practice. So in recovery, relationships can start to be a positive growth thing, but only if I’m honest about my motives, keep my side of the street clean, etc.

My sex ideal is still fuzzy; I think it has something to do with feeling good about what I bring to the table & accepting, w/gratitude, a fantastic piece of ass.

basIam · 11-27-2009, 04:01 PM

[QUOTE=brother;2444939]if I’m honest about my motives, keep my side of the street clean, etc

Yeah I tried that rationale on my sponsor. His response? "Honest? Who the hell are you to talk about being honest? You don't even know the truth to tell!"

Another gem from my sponsor (in response to "not a serious thing, just sex") : "Ha!!! You couldn't F*** a wh*re without falling in love" (I apologize for the crassness, but man was he so right)

Oh yeah. . . then there's "Dating in AA is like fishing in a cesspool" and "Dating in AA: The Odds are good, but the goods are odd"

Enough comic relief. . . the thing that really got me was when I was really interested in a woman (I had 10 months, she had 6.) He sat me down and said to me -
"Here's the thing. If you hook up with this girl one of the following is going to happen:

She isn't going to make it, not because of you but thats just the way it is. This may be her only chance. You don't want to have on your conscience that you may have been even the slightest distraction. Give her a chance to live, else she may die.
Or, odds are, it won't last, as in one year both of you are going to be different people. Give it a chance for you both to find out who you really are.
Or lastly, right or wrong, people gossip in AA. You will get branded as a 13th stepper. And then if you really do find someone in AA, someone is going to point you out to this person and say 'Look out for him, he is a 13 stepper' and it will ruin any chance you have"

Overman · 11-27-2009, 07:14 PM

I really don't know why anyone would want to date another person in recovery...especially a 'newcomer'...or someone with less than five years of sobriety.

Yuck.

TGFS · 12-03-2009, 08:26 PM

All new to me. I am just trying to get my wife to sleep with me. LOL

CStyle · 12-07-2009, 10:35 AM

My sponsor gave me this sounds advice - "Stay out of relationships for your first year, and then after that, never date a woman in the program that doesn't have at least a year and that hasn't worked a 4th step." Some of the best advice he could have given me. Although he never said not to have sex.

It is funny looking back because I never ended up dating a single person in the program (sex or otherwise) all the women I was interested in did not meet the minimum requirements and the all the ones that had more than a year and had worked a 4th step were married, lol. I ended up marrying a normie...and looking back I had enough of my own issues, I can't imagine what it would have been like with another addict!

Sober25 · 12-09-2009, 03:05 PM

I'll share a little personal experience with you. I was sober around one year when I met a woman in AA that I wanted to date. She also had about one year clean time. I asked her out and she said "yes" and so we started dating, then a short time later we moved in together, and it wasn't long before the relationship was a living hell for both of us. Like idiots we got married because she kept telling me "we wouldn't have so many problems if you loved me enough to marry me" so in order to stop her from saying that again I agreed to get married. A few months later we were separated and a few months after that we were divorced. The moral of the story is that even after a years sobriety we were both very immature and needed more time to work on ourselves. We were in our late twenties but had the emotional maturity of teenagers. We should have waited. I'm not saying it has to end like that, but many times it does. I wish you luck.

thejaywalker · 12-10-2009, 12:51 AM

I was told behind every skirt is a slip

I got burnt having sex w/ a 5+ year sober female who 13 stepped me, and I got drunk.

MAny years later I waited ( 1+ ) and did not drink got married crash and burnt

many more years later I was dating 1st 2 months of sobriety and have not found it necessary to drink.

IMO it's between you and your HP
only you know your true motives

I learned to stay away from women in the program, I'm sick enough for the both of us

JMO

there was a real good grapvine not too terribly long ago talking about just such a topic

Overman · 12-10-2009, 03:12 PM

@ jaywalker
I learned to stay away from women in the program, I'm sick enough for the both of us

I'm with ya there!

Cornbrosia · 12-23-2009, 08:42 PM

There are quite a few AA couples around these parts with some time. AA isnt the place to meet women anyways. I've seen maybe 3 or 4 good looking ones in the last 9 months or so

boobuddy12345 · 01-06-2010, 12:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by es0919

What are your opinions? I'm not talking about a relationship, but just like a one night stand.

Are you in a place where you are beginning to live your life in a sober manner?

...a one-night stand IS a relationship, my friend.

How about keeping yourself in places where you feel good about yourself inside, rather than minutes of sexual gratification...hey, two dogs in an alley can get it on...be more than that.

Isolinx · 01-24-2010, 04:38 AM

Sex should be start by relationship, only with life partner

bonym · 01-26-2010, 03:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TGFS

All new to me. I am just trying to get my wife to sleep with me. LOL

lol... your wife does not want to sleep with you???
just kidding... sometimes I am in the same situation

and if you are single it is good to have on night stand adventures

10-19-2009, 03:17 PM	#1 (permalink)
es0919 Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Costa Mesa, CA Posts: 27	Sex in the first year? What are your opinions? I'm not talking about a relationship, but just like a one night stand.

10-19-2009, 10:57 PM	#2 (permalink)
Overman 9/15/08 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: midwest Posts: 257	I don't see a problem with it, as long as it isn't substance induced, and you use protection. Also helps if there is a mutual understanding that its not going to proceed further than a one-time deal. Just my 2 cents. __________________ "If you can smile whenever anything goes wrong, you are either an idiot or a repairman." (or sober!) ~ Anon

10-23-2009, 10:33 AM	#3 (permalink)
huntsober Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 320	"Would you consider that a healthy choice? How do you feel about that?" Thats right. Its about change. Not using or not using. __________________

11-05-2009, 12:57 PM	#7 (permalink)
ElegantlyWasted Excellence... not Perfection Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: AZ Posts: 1,190 Blog Entries: 8	Don't 13th step! Huntsober has a great name for this thread! Ago has timeless wisdom. As you continue grow in sobriety, your 13 th step will be something you will amend. Your sexuality is your business, as long as there is a real meeting of minds no worries. My issue is with a newcomer where there is no mind to meet. __________________ "We're all told at some point in time that we can no longer play the children's game, we just don't...we don't know when that's gonna be. Some of us are told at eighteen, some of us are told at forty, but we're all told." Last edited by ElegantlyWasted; 11-05-2009 at 01:19 PM.

11-23-2009, 08:01 PM	#9 (permalink)
Gmoney Evolving Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New York State Posts: 2,910	I agree with everyone here. What two consenting adults do behind closed doors is their business. Did I have sex during my 1st year clean? Of course I did, and so did almost everyone else I knew that was in recovery at the time. Just because we decide to get clean doesn't mean we stop being human and having sexual desires. Women want it just as bad as men do. What I believe is important is starting to live differently. Which brings us to the "one night stand" thing. If you know like I do, most women want a REAL relationship...not just a one time bump in the night. Sure, they may make out with you and claim they want nothing more, but they really hope that you'll like them enough to come back for more. There's an expectation connected more times than not. We can minimize or rationalize all we want, but any human interaction is a relationship. For me, living differently meant thinking about how my acting out will effect someone else. So instead of talking afterwards about what I didn't or don't want, I learned to get honest upfront...allowing them the best opportunity to decide what they wanted to do. No victims...only volunteers. My only words of caution: Women aren't the only ones who lay down and get up with feelings. __________________ "We are never forced into relapse. We are given a choice. Relapse is never an accident." - Basic Text, 5th Ed.

10-23-2009, 10:56 AM	#4 (permalink)
Ago Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA Posts: 2,173 Blog Entries: 3	be honest don't harm others don't drink who and what you do is your own business who and what you harm isn't simple read page 69 and the next few pages in the BB whether you do AA or not, good sound advice about sex there If the two of you need your ashes hauled and it's clearly understood that's what that is, what the two of you do is your own business, not anyone else's, however, every time you sleep with her after that one time you are taking out an emotional "chit" that you WILL pay for at some point. a woman with 25 years of sobriety gave me those tidbits nearly 20 years ago when I was new

10-23-2009, 11:07 AM	#5 (permalink)
Ago Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA Posts: 2,173 Blog Entries: 3	PS taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable female newcomer falls under the category of harming others

11-05-2009, 12:21 PM	#6 (permalink)
joeallan Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Bel Air. Md Posts: 24	Just use protection. Joe

11-12-2009, 06:12 PM	#8 (permalink)
AlwaysGrowing Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Alabama Posts: 265	Man has needs.. As long I don't hurt anyone or decieve anyone I was all over it.

11-27-2009, 04:01 PM	#11 (permalink)
basIam Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: far left of center Posts: 237	[QUOTE=brother;2444939]if I’m honest about my motives, keep my side of the street clean, etc Yeah I tried that rationale on my sponsor. His response? "Honest? Who the hell are you to talk about being honest? You don't even know the truth to tell!" Another gem from my sponsor (in response to "not a serious thing, just sex") : "Ha!!! You couldn't F*** a wh*re without falling in love" (I apologize for the crassness, but man was he so right) Oh yeah. . . then there's "Dating in AA is like fishing in a cesspool" and "Dating in AA: The Odds are good, but the goods are odd" Enough comic relief. . . the thing that really got me was when I was really interested in a woman (I had 10 months, she had 6.) He sat me down and said to me - "Here's the thing. If you hook up with this girl one of the following is going to happen: She isn't going to make it, not because of you but thats just the way it is. This may be her only chance. You don't want to have on your conscience that you may have been even the slightest distraction. Give her a chance to live, else she may die. Or, odds are, it won't last, as in one year both of you are going to be different people. Give it a chance for you both to find out who you really are. Or lastly, right or wrong, people gossip in AA. You will get branded as a 13th stepper. And then if you really do find someone in AA, someone is going to point you out to this person and say 'Look out for him, he is a 13 stepper' and it will ruin any chance you have"

11-27-2009, 07:14 PM	#12 (permalink)
Overman 9/15/08 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: midwest Posts: 257	I really don't know why anyone would want to date another person in recovery...especially a 'newcomer'...or someone with less than five years of sobriety. Yuck. __________________ "If you can smile whenever anything goes wrong, you are either an idiot or a repairman." (or sober!) ~ Anon

12-03-2009, 08:26 PM	#13 (permalink)
TGFS Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 29	All new to me. I am just trying to get my wife to sleep with me. LOL

12-07-2009, 10:35 AM	#14 (permalink)
CStyle Hooligan Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Tenino, Wa Posts: 94	My sponsor gave me this sounds advice - "Stay out of relationships for your first year, and then after that, never date a woman in the program that doesn't have at least a year and that hasn't worked a 4th step." Some of the best advice he could have given me. Although he never said not to have sex. It is funny looking back because I never ended up dating a single person in the program (sex or otherwise) all the women I was interested in did not meet the minimum requirements and the all the ones that had more than a year and had worked a 4th step were married, lol. I ended up marrying a normie...and looking back I had enough of my own issues, I can't imagine what it would have been like with another addict!

12-09-2009, 03:05 PM	#15 (permalink)
Sober25 Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 128	I'll share a little personal experience with you. I was sober around one year when I met a woman in AA that I wanted to date. She also had about one year clean time. I asked her out and she said "yes" and so we started dating, then a short time later we moved in together, and it wasn't long before the relationship was a living hell for both of us. Like idiots we got married because she kept telling me "we wouldn't have so many problems if you loved me enough to marry me" so in order to stop her from saying that again I agreed to get married. A few months later we were separated and a few months after that we were divorced. The moral of the story is that even after a years sobriety we were both very immature and needed more time to work on ourselves. We were in our late twenties but had the emotional maturity of teenagers. We should have waited. I'm not saying it has to end like that, but many times it does. I wish you luck.

12-10-2009, 12:51 AM	#16 (permalink)
thejaywalker Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: trudgingroadofhappydestiny_NC Posts: 36	I was told behind every skirt is a slip I got burnt having sex w/ a 5+ year sober female who 13 stepped me, and I got drunk. MAny years later I waited ( 1+ ) and did not drink got married crash and burnt many more years later I was dating 1st 2 months of sobriety and have not found it necessary to drink. IMO it's between you and your HP only you know your true motives I learned to stay away from women in the program, I'm sick enough for the both of us JMO there was a real good grapvine not too terribly long ago talking about just such a topic

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

12-10-2009, 03:12 PM	#17 (permalink)
Overman 9/15/08 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: midwest Posts: 257	@ jaywalker I learned to stay away from women in the program, I'm sick enough for the both of us I'm with ya there! __________________ "If you can smile whenever anything goes wrong, you are either an idiot or a repairman." (or sober!) ~ Anon

12-23-2009, 08:42 PM	#18 (permalink)
Cornbrosia Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Pittsburgh PA Posts: 32	There are quite a few AA couples around these parts with some time. AA isnt the place to meet women anyways. I've seen maybe 3 or 4 good looking ones in the last 9 months or so

01-24-2010, 04:38 AM	#20 (permalink)
Isolinx Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Faisalabad Posts: 2	Sex should be start by relationship, only with life partner

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