Any tips to rebuild trust with loved ones?

[MagicMan08]

Short of staying sober....and trying to live a good life.

It irks me when I am really working hard on myself and my sobriety and then I hear the, I don't think I will ever trust you. I guess you gotta use the old line, gotta brush those shoulders off. That is not my issue if they don't trust me, and I am not respecting myself otherwise.

[jimhere]

Originally Posted by MagicMan08

Short of staying sober....and trying to live a good life.

It irks me when I am really working hard on myself and my sobriety and then I hear the, I don't think I will ever trust you. I guess you gotta use the old line, gotta brush those shoulders off. That is not my issue if they don't trust me, and I am not respecting myself otherwise.

Yes, it is called amends. And that means demonstrating a real change, not just working on yourself so that you can feel better.

That means showing up when you say you will and doing what you say you are going to do.And sometimes it takes years of doing that.

Then again, maybe they will never trust you and you'll have to be OK with that.
Jim

[Overman]

Making amends, yes.

But that seems to be just the beginning.

I agree with Jim...it's something that just has to happen consistently over a period of time.

I tend to think my alcoholism took 15 years to reach its peak...so the effects on my personal relationships aren't going to magically repair themselves overnight...or perhaps even a few years. And I have to accept that some relationships will simply NEVER be repaired.

[sailorjohn]

Might be helpful to ask yourself some questions.

How long have I been sober?

How long did it take to destroy that trust?

[Spawn]

Originally Posted by sailorjohn

Might be helpful to ask yourself some questions.

How long have I been sober?

How long did it take to destroy that trust?

Valid points

[Spawn]

some things come only be mended in time

After 2 years clean and sober I made an amends to my brothers and I was told it wasn't necessary because I already shown them I was sorry by my actions to change my life.

[CStyle]

You walk 5 miles into the woods, you've gotta walk 5 miles to get out.

It took over 5 years for my mother to tell me she trusted me again. That was hard, I am not going to lie. I just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next right thing.

[MagicMan08]

Thanks for the helpful advice everyone....I have been struggling a lot lately

[Dee74]

Sorry to hear that but good to see you back MM
D

[Slag]

There are so any elements regarding trust and the alcoholic, including:

Whether we trust ourselves;

Whether the spouse or significant other trusts the method by which we attain sobriety;

Our journey in recovery may cause us to temporarily act out as the pain of self knowledge increases; (that can be spooky)

Then the big question........how much damage have we caused. How deep the hurt. Sometimes it is beyond repair and other times forgiveness is given, but, the relationship fails.

In the end I have to trust that I have been placed on earth for a purpose that has yet to be revealed. I simply prepare everyday to meet my purpose.

[Gmoney]

I agree that rebuilding trust takes time. I don't believe there's a magical formula or anything. I also agree that some folks will never trust again after that trust has been damaged. I've learned that one of the keys for me (when it came to making amends) was having a greater understanding of the harm I caused. I mean...if I can truly grasp the depth of the pain I caused, I can better understand why those I hurt feel the way that they do. With that, I can reduce or eliminate whatever expectations I have on when they'll trust or forgive me (if at all).

I have to remember that making amends isn't really about proving anything to anyone or attempting to clear my conscience at someone else's expense. The most important outcome of making amends will be found internally.