What would you guys do? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

DayWalker · 09-30-2009, 11:53 PM

Been posting in the Alcohol forum for the past year but my first post in this forum, want your guys thoughts from the "guys" if that's cool.

Long story short.. I meet this women about a year ago on a forum, a Fishing forum if you can believe that. Been talking to her online and also on the phone for the past 8 months or so. Very cool women, talk on the phone about twice a week, sent pics and all that stuff (very good lookin chick BTW). I'm 37 shes 40 not that it matters. Long story short, the past 2 months shes wanting to get together for a weekend somewhere (we live about 600 miles apart). All cool with me, but, here's the thing. Shes married. She tells me all the time how she's not happy and wants a divorce..blah blah blah.

I wasn't raised that way, I don't want to be "that guy" ya know that breaks up a marriage no matter how bad it is.

So...I've known for the past 5/6 months about her being married, so...what should I do? should I just come right out and tell her I won't do anything as long as she's married, or?

What would you guys do?

She's a really cool women and we have a TON in common, and did I mention she's really HOT lol.

Just tryin to do the right thing but it's been getting harder to do each month though.

Steve

**Dee74** · 10-01-2009, 12:01 AM

If you don't wanna be that guy, then don't be that guy Steve.
There's a lot of hot unattached women out there too....

D

DayWalker · 10-01-2009, 12:32 AM

I know man I know. I guess I'm just grabbin for straws to find someone to tell me it's okay

Just because she looks just like Kari from "Mythbusters" and I'm a sucker for redheads lol.

I know it's not the right thing to do though, I just need to keep telling myself that till I get it through my thick head

dgillz · 10-01-2009, 01:10 AM

Yeah, she should get divorced and get her own place. For all you know she just wants to dump him to find someone else to take care of her. Or maybe she is paying all the bills now but is so scared to be without a man that she needs to line up a new relationship in advance instead of having the guts to walk away. These are all red flags. After she is on her own and she still wants to get together then its a different story.

yeahgr8 · 10-01-2009, 02:16 AM

Are we talking just hooking up for sex or looking at this as a potential long term relationship? if for sex, i guess i was kind of bought up the same way and that's a trip to the massage parlour rather than doing a married woman for me...long term relationship wise - you don't want to be that man now and also you don't want to end up that man that she is married to at the moment mate in 5 yrs time with her talking to another guy online...

But then you could argue that it might have been meant to be and this time it would be different for you and her, and you find out you are soul mates???

One thing is certain, at this stage it would potentially put your sobriety at risk, whichever way it turns out...maybe you could keep chatting to her and say that you are doing some work on yourself and want to get a years worth of change done before you meet, if she is still around after a year and getting divorced then meet up if not you have your answer:-)

DonneIslanding · 10-01-2009, 07:43 AM

I agree with the others' points, especially yeahgr8's plan. It's downright dangerous to mess around with a married woman, and there's a monumental difference between her "wanting to be divorced" and "being divorced".

keithj · 10-01-2009, 09:49 AM

Daywalker,

I'm a recovered alcoholic. Getting to that state was a painful, tragic ordeal. On most days than not, at some point my eyes will fill with tears at the sheer unbelievability and gratitude for this life of recovery I live.

In sobriety, I live by certain principles that have proven to bring fulfillment and contentment to my life. They are the principles that also keep me sober. At times, those principles have come into direct conflict with what I wanted. They've even come into direct conflict with a girl or two I wanted. Badly.

But, time and time again, if I'm willing to stick to those principles, I remain fulfilled and content. I also remain sober.

justanothrdrunk · 10-01-2009, 03:02 PM

Dude, don't go there.

Don't even put yourself in a position to become "that guy." Stay away. Not. Worth. It.

AlwaysGrowing · 10-01-2009, 05:41 PM

Well, I see lots of sex for a weekend. The issue is there is at least one other person whom you would hurt over sex,,, Her Husband. That is not 'God Sober Living' IMO.

Could you REALLY TRUST someone who would cheat on their husband like that?

Believe me I understand and took that road you are asking about when I was first getting sober. I gave in for the weekend sex. She thought is was a connection, after all we were in treatment together... Still today I sometimes wonder if that guy ever found out and how I would feel today if that happened today.

It is a poor choice that just lowers standards. It was for me anyway! Today I have been sober 18 years and married to the same woman for 13 1/2. Only her no one else. I have seen what affairs do to others for years and as you can imagine it isn't good.

ElegantlyWasted · 10-01-2009, 06:23 PM

I wouldn't go there... I have and it didn't work very well. Creates too many potential complications. She may be a freak just looking for some strange. Double wrap itnif you do!! I'm unhappy some times in my current relationship, but would never go there because I do respect her and 99 % of the time it's great. The issue I have is her lying to her current partner and how that reflects on her character and propensity to do other shady stuff.

ElegantlyWasted · 10-01-2009, 06:25 PM

But.... If it's an open Hollywood marriage thing go for it!

CAPTAINZING2000 · 10-01-2009, 10:15 PM

long road trip to meet a member of the opposite sex that's married buddy.

I'd tell her as soon as she's divorced, you'd like to meet up until then, you don't want to be that guy!! There still kids involved? It just gets so ugly. On the other side of the coin is a husband not knowing what his wife is thinking of doing!!

Re read what you wrote here

{quote}

I wasn't raised that way, I don't want to be "that guy" ya know that breaks up a marriage no matter how bad it is.

jimhere · 10-02-2009, 08:54 AM

"Counsel with others is often desirable, but in the end we let God (your conscience) be the final judge."

If you had to ask us, you already know the answer.
Jim

Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

MagicMan08 · 10-02-2009, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing

Could you REALLY TRUST someone who would cheat on their husband like that?

I will never ever do anything of the sort. Because I would never ever want something like this done to me, ya follow? Besides, who's to say she won't do that to you someday, if she gets bored.

For all I know my ex is doing it to me as we speak. heh, I don't ever worry about it anymore.

DayWalker · 10-03-2009, 10:49 PM

Chris....nope no kids in it.

Quote:

Could you REALLY TRUST someone who would cheat on their husband like that?

That's the one thing that I keep going back to guys. Even if I did think it was okay....how could I ever have trust ya know.

I know the right thing to do, just kind'a need a few other guys to say "duh, what are you thinking" ya know.

Steve

MagicMan08 · 10-08-2009, 03:07 PM

Dude....like I said above....I don't like it. But it is not my life....all I have to say, and this may be a repeat, is it can and probably will happen to you. Esp if she is hiding it.

It is situations like this where I wish I could contact the guy and be like dude....your woman is trying to F around....do you know this. Because I would never put up with that, but a lot of the times, you never even know, if they have resorted to lying.

seelivemusic · 10-16-2009, 02:05 PM

I have been "that guy" only once while in college. It was a drunken hookup with the girlfriend of a guy on my lacrosse team. I felt like an a$$hole and finally manned up and told him. It was not pleasant.

I don't know your situation but it is my experience that nothing good can come from boinking a married woman. As a sober alcoholic and drug addict I try to be a man of integrity with my own moral code. Boinking a married woman would go against much of what I have achieved and believe in during my recovery.

Friends? Sure, go and hang out and have some fun with her if you think thats what you need to do. Boink ? Better contemplate that with your higher power.

johndoe · 10-31-2009, 02:47 AM

i agree

09-30-2009, 11:53 PM	#1 (permalink)
DayWalker Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Michigan Posts: 728 Blog Entries: 1	What would you guys do? Been posting in the Alcohol forum for the past year but my first post in this forum, want your guys thoughts from the "guys" if that's cool. Long story short.. I meet this women about a year ago on a forum, a Fishing forum if you can believe that. Been talking to her online and also on the phone for the past 8 months or so. Very cool women, talk on the phone about twice a week, sent pics and all that stuff (very good lookin chick BTW). I'm 37 shes 40 not that it matters. Long story short, the past 2 months shes wanting to get together for a weekend somewhere (we live about 600 miles apart). All cool with me, but, here's the thing. Shes married. She tells me all the time how she's not happy and wants a divorce..blah blah blah. I wasn't raised that way, I don't want to be "that guy" ya know that breaks up a marriage no matter how bad it is. So...I've known for the past 5/6 months about her being married, so...what should I do? should I just come right out and tell her I won't do anything as long as she's married, or? What would you guys do? She's a really cool women and we have a TON in common, and did I mention she's really HOT lol. Just tryin to do the right thing but it's been getting harder to do each month though. Steve __________________ It aint about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take, and keep moving forward!

10-01-2009, 12:01 AM	#2 (permalink)
Dee74 SR Moderator Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Seas Posts: 42,345	If you don't wanna be that guy, then don't be that guy Steve. There's a lot of hot unattached women out there too.... D __________________ “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be”Lao Tzu

10-01-2009, 12:32 AM	#3 (permalink)
DayWalker Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Michigan Posts: 728 Blog Entries: 1	I know man I know. I guess I'm just grabbin for straws to find someone to tell me it's okay Just because she looks just like Kari from "Mythbusters" and I'm a sucker for redheads lol. I know it's not the right thing to do though, I just need to keep telling myself that till I get it through my thick head __________________ It aint about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take, and keep moving forward!

10-01-2009, 01:10 AM	#4 (permalink)
dgillz Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Mobile, AL Posts: 3,456	Yeah, she should get divorced and get her own place. For all you know she just wants to dump him to find someone else to take care of her. Or maybe she is paying all the bills now but is so scared to be without a man that she needs to line up a new relationship in advance instead of having the guts to walk away. These are all red flags. After she is on her own and she still wants to get together then its a different story. __________________ He should be fine...if he survives the detox process that is..... Any quotes from the big book of AA are from the first edition, or are otherwise exempt from copyright infringement under the "fair use doctrine".

10-01-2009, 06:23 PM	#10 (permalink)
ElegantlyWasted Excellence... not Perfection Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: AZ Posts: 1,190 Blog Entries: 8	I wouldn't go there... I have and it didn't work very well. Creates too many potential complications. She may be a freak just looking for some strange. Double wrap itnif you do!! I'm unhappy some times in my current relationship, but would never go there because I do respect her and 99 % of the time it's great. The issue I have is her lying to her current partner and how that reflects on her character and propensity to do other shady stuff. __________________ "We're all told at some point in time that we can no longer play the children's game, we just don't...we don't know when that's gonna be. Some of us are told at eighteen, some of us are told at forty, but we're all told."

10-01-2009, 02:16 AM	#5 (permalink)
yeahgr8 Member Pacman Turbo Champion! Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK Posts: 3,950 Blog Entries: 8	Are we talking just hooking up for sex or looking at this as a potential long term relationship? if for sex, i guess i was kind of bought up the same way and that's a trip to the massage parlour rather than doing a married woman for me...long term relationship wise - you don't want to be that man now and also you don't want to end up that man that she is married to at the moment mate in 5 yrs time with her talking to another guy online... But then you could argue that it might have been meant to be and this time it would be different for you and her, and you find out you are soul mates??? One thing is certain, at this stage it would potentially put your sobriety at risk, whichever way it turns out...maybe you could keep chatting to her and say that you are doing some work on yourself and want to get a years worth of change done before you meet, if she is still around after a year and getting divorced then meet up if not you have your answer:-)

10-01-2009, 07:43 AM	#6 (permalink)
DonneIslanding Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: NJ Posts: 66	I agree with the others' points, especially yeahgr8's plan. It's downright dangerous to mess around with a married woman, and there's a monumental difference between her "wanting to be divorced" and "being divorced".

10-01-2009, 09:49 AM	#7 (permalink)
keithj Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 2,659	Daywalker, I'm a recovered alcoholic. Getting to that state was a painful, tragic ordeal. On most days than not, at some point my eyes will fill with tears at the sheer unbelievability and gratitude for this life of recovery I live. In sobriety, I live by certain principles that have proven to bring fulfillment and contentment to my life. They are the principles that also keep me sober. At times, those principles have come into direct conflict with what I wanted. They've even come into direct conflict with a girl or two I wanted. Badly. But, time and time again, if I'm willing to stick to those principles, I remain fulfilled and content. I also remain sober.

10-01-2009, 03:02 PM	#8 (permalink)
justanothrdrunk Retired Pro Drunk Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Saint Paul, MN Posts: 855	Dude, don't go there. Don't even put yourself in a position to become "that guy." Stay away. Not. Worth. It.

10-01-2009, 05:41 PM	#9 (permalink)
AlwaysGrowing Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Alabama Posts: 265	Well, I see lots of sex for a weekend. The issue is there is at least one other person whom you would hurt over sex,,, Her Husband. That is not 'God Sober Living' IMO. Could you REALLY TRUST someone who would cheat on their husband like that? Believe me I understand and took that road you are asking about when I was first getting sober. I gave in for the weekend sex. She thought is was a connection, after all we were in treatment together... Still today I sometimes wonder if that guy ever found out and how I would feel today if that happened today. It is a poor choice that just lowers standards. It was for me anyway! Today I have been sober 18 years and married to the same woman for 13 1/2. Only her no one else. I have seen what affairs do to others for years and as you can imagine it isn't good.

10-01-2009, 06:25 PM	#11 (permalink)
ElegantlyWasted Excellence... not Perfection Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: AZ Posts: 1,190 Blog Entries: 8	But.... If it's an open Hollywood marriage thing go for it! __________________ "We're all told at some point in time that we can no longer play the children's game, we just don't...we don't know when that's gonna be. Some of us are told at eighteen, some of us are told at forty, but we're all told."

10-01-2009, 10:15 PM	#12 (permalink)
CAPTAINZING2000 Psalm 118:24 Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: ILLINOIS Posts: 9,445 Blog Entries: 1	long road trip to meet a member of the opposite sex that's married buddy. I'd tell her as soon as she's divorced, you'd like to meet up until then, you don't want to be that guy!! There still kids involved? It just gets so ugly. On the other side of the coin is a husband not knowing what his wife is thinking of doing!! Re read what you wrote here {quote} I wasn't raised that way, I don't want to be "that guy" ya know that breaks up a marriage no matter how bad it is. __________________ LIFE IS GOD'S GIFT TO YOU WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE IS YOUR GIFT TO GOD J - Jesus first O - Others next Y - Yourself last John 14:6

10-02-2009, 08:54 AM	#13 (permalink)
jimhere Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Pugetopolis Posts: 2,392	"Counsel with others is often desirable, but in the end we let God (your conscience) be the final judge." If you had to ask us, you already know the answer. Jim Big Book references from Alcoholics Anonymous, First Edition

10-08-2009, 03:07 PM	#16 (permalink)
MagicMan08 Helping Others, Helps Me Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Minnesota Posts: 471	Dude....like I said above....I don't like it. But it is not my life....all I have to say, and this may be a repeat, is it can and probably will happen to you. Esp if she is hiding it. It is situations like this where I wish I could contact the guy and be like dude....your woman is trying to F around....do you know this. Because I would never put up with that, but a lot of the times, you never even know, if they have resorted to lying. __________________ "Never give up. You will never know how many people are really there that care and are pulling for you to come out of this on top." -MagicMan08 I am a good guy who just wants to live a sober, happy, stress free life.

10-16-2009, 02:05 PM	#17 (permalink)
seelivemusic Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 20	I have been "that guy" only once while in college. It was a drunken hookup with the girlfriend of a guy on my lacrosse team. I felt like an a$$hole and finally manned up and told him. It was not pleasant. I don't know your situation but it is my experience that nothing good can come from boinking a married woman. As a sober alcoholic and drug addict I try to be a man of integrity with my own moral code. Boinking a married woman would go against much of what I have achieved and believe in during my recovery. Friends? Sure, go and hang out and have some fun with her if you think thats what you need to do. Boink ? Better contemplate that with your higher power.

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10-31-2009, 02:47 AM	#18 (permalink)
johndoe Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 3	i agree

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