How would you tell a woman that you have just met that you're an alcoholic? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

digderidoo · 09-24-2009, 03:41 AM

Ok, he's where i'm coming from.

I have met someone, it's early days. We get on great and basically getting to know each other.

Her previous relationship she ended because he drank. She knows that i used to drink heavily and that i no longer drink, she also knows that i took drugs many years ago. She too has used drugs years back.

She has asked me whether i can drink in moderation, she has said the fact that i don't drink is a positive thing for her because of her past relationship.

I have to tell her about AA and how serious my drinking was before we get too serious i feel.

I just wondered how others dealt with this issue.

Paul

AlwaysGrowing · 09-24-2009, 05:35 AM

Maybe in conversation say you are headed to a meeting. When she asks about the meeting I might say well, on Monday, Wed, and Sat. I attend AA meetings. Bunch of great people.......

AA meetings can be a positive thing or a negitive one.

**Dee74** · 09-24-2009, 06:19 PM

I think it's something that should come up pretty soon, Paul, especially after her last relationship. Leave it too long and she may think she has reason not to trust you.

Its something you should be proud of - couch it in positive terms - 'I'm in recovery' rather than 'I used to be a drunk', you know ?

D

BKP · 09-25-2009, 02:47 PM

She will respect you more, this is the real deal putting this on the table, you can overcome what you use to be. Ain't nothin but old news, keep on being you, the new you.

McGowdog · 09-25-2009, 03:42 PM

I had to tell her that I was in A.A. because we met on a blind date, it snowed a blizzard the next night and we were stuck in the same house with mutual friends and I had to tell her I would have loved to stay there and play games and get to know her better but I had to be in Denver to go to an A.A. meeting and share my story.

She had to know I didn't drink the night we met too because I met her in a bar. I played pool and drank sprite and she drank and played karaokee (sp?) with her friend. I even bought her a drink or two.

We've now been married for over 9 years.

I would just tell her and get it over with. What could go wrong? If it drives her away, is she for you?

Overman · 09-26-2009, 11:07 PM

I met two different women online and later in person. After about the third date, I informed each of them that I was an alcoholic (after they kept pressuring me out for drinks).

Never seen either one again. Guess I scared them off.

McGowdog · 09-27-2009, 11:04 PM

More fish in the sea.

north · 09-28-2009, 04:22 AM

Look - why not just start by indicating you don't drink, or quit drinking for good? Unless it's vital to your own self-identity or sobriety, I don't see the need to always indicate that you are an alcoholic or are in AA. If they ask "why?" and you feel comfortable with it and them, proceed to the next step of disclosure.

Fishman33 · 09-28-2009, 02:58 PM

I would just be open and honest with her. The truth works best in these situations.

Overman · 09-28-2009, 06:33 PM

One line I found to be amusing was the one borrowed from the original (Lou Ferrigno) Hulk series:

"You wouldn't like me when I start drinking..."

Overman · 10-02-2009, 11:38 PM

Just met a (seemingly) good woman yesterday.

I was up front about my recovery and she was totally cool with it, because she doesn't drink (yahoo!). Went out and had a great time with her.

She was born and raised in a Muslim family, though she's not a conservative follower or anything.

Guys, go for the Persian and Arab ladies!

Just don't p*ss'em off.

digderidoo · 10-08-2009, 03:23 PM

I have seen and spoken to her tonight about it.

We have a shared history in that we were both brought up very religious in the same religion, then went off the rails once we left it, so she can see where i am coming from.

It's been a couple of weeks since i've seen her as she has been on holiday, so although we've spoken on the phone most days i wanted to talk about this face to face.

She knew that i went through a period of drinking and drugs but not to the extent that i class myself as an alcoholic and nothing about AA. I was very open and honest, she had questions of course, i was happy to answer. I also had the mindset that if she doesn't accept who i am, then i would still be glad i told her, because i do not want to pretend i'm somebody else.

The crux is she accepts me for who i am, she said it hasn't changed her opinion of me, if anything she's glad that i can talk to her about it and that we can be so open with each other.

It feels good to have someone who accepts me for who i am and not the fake image of myself that i used to present to people.

Paul

jimhere · 10-08-2009, 06:33 PM

I believe the truth will work every time.

Jfanagle · 10-13-2009, 03:09 PM

I have found that over that first cup of coffee or wherever the initial meeting may occur, if I simply let the lady know that "I am a scoundrel and an alcoholic. I attend AA for the alcoholism, haven't found anything for the other."

I have never in 10 years and a few ladies had a negative reaction to my sobriety, in fact almost to a lady I have found that they are attracted to someone who has confronted his dragons and is doing something about them.

Jon

brixkwall · 10-23-2009, 07:29 AM

Some good advice here. It's seems to me that you have to turn every negative into a positive. Women like guys who are getting things sorted out no matter what it is, tell her how you now enjoy doing so many other things. The ladies love walking and talking - hope you have a dog

Overman · 10-23-2009, 05:57 PM

@ Jf
I have never in 10 years and a few ladies had a negative reaction to my sobriety, in fact almost to a lady I have found that they are attracted to someone who has confronted his dragons and is doing something about them.

Well, you're lucky. I guess it's how you approach them.

IME, I wouldn't consider their reactions to my recovery to be 'negative'...but when they stop seeing me either abruptly or shortly after telling them, it gets to be frustrating.

I used to be TOO honest and tell them right up front....but now I've learned not to bring up my recovery early on unless they press me on it. I just say I don't drink, and if they insist on going to a bar I offer an alternative. If they ask why I don't drink, then I explain my recovery process.

Sigh. So many women want to "go out for a drink" as part of the dating ritual...especially the 20/30s crowd. It can be challenging to come up with alternatives, especially when they are 'normies' and enjoy hanging out with their friends at bars/clubs.

09-24-2009, 03:41 AM	#1 (permalink)
digderidoo Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: UK Posts: 360	How would you tell a woman that you have just met that you're an alcoholic? Ok, he's where i'm coming from. I have met someone, it's early days. We get on great and basically getting to know each other. Her previous relationship she ended because he drank. She knows that i used to drink heavily and that i no longer drink, she also knows that i took drugs many years ago. She too has used drugs years back. She has asked me whether i can drink in moderation, she has said the fact that i don't drink is a positive thing for her because of her past relationship. I have to tell her about AA and how serious my drinking was before we get too serious i feel. I just wondered how others dealt with this issue. Paul __________________ The mind is everything. What you think you become. ~ Gautam Buddha

09-24-2009, 06:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
Dee74 Forum Leader Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Seas Posts: 14,658	I think it's something that should come up pretty soon, Paul, especially after her last relationship. Leave it too long and she may think she has reason not to trust you. Its something you should be proud of - couch it in positive terms - 'I'm in recovery' rather than 'I used to be a drunk', you know ? D __________________ May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you.

09-25-2009, 02:47 PM	#4 (permalink)
BKP Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Syracuse, NY Posts: 290	She will respect you more, this is the real deal putting this on the table, you can overcome what you use to be. Ain't nothin but old news, keep on being you, the new you. __________________ Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

09-25-2009, 03:42 PM	#5 (permalink)
McGowdog On Double Secret Probation Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Southern Colorado Posts: 1,075	I had to tell her that I was in A.A. because we met on a blind date, it snowed a blizzard the next night and we were stuck in the same house with mutual friends and I had to tell her I would have loved to stay there and play games and get to know her better but I had to be in Denver to go to an A.A. meeting and share my story. She had to know I didn't drink the night we met too because I met her in a bar. I played pool and drank sprite and she drank and played karaokee (sp?) with her friend. I even bought her a drink or two. We've now been married for over 9 years. I would just tell her and get it over with. What could go wrong? If it drives her away, is she for you? __________________ The alcoholic ego is like a baby... it has tremendous appetite on one end and no responsibility on the other-Paul Martin of Chicago Per SR guidelines... quotes or paraphrases from BB 1st Edition.

09-26-2009, 11:07 PM	#6 (permalink)
Overman 9/15/08 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: eastern Kansas Posts: 239	I met two different women online and later in person. After about the third date, I informed each of them that I was an alcoholic (after they kept pressuring me out for drinks). Never seen either one again. Guess I scared them off. __________________ "If you can smile whenever anything goes wrong, you are either an idiot or a repairman." (or sober!) ~ Anon

09-24-2009, 05:35 AM	#2 (permalink)
AlwaysGrowing Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Alabama Posts: 56	Maybe in conversation say you are headed to a meeting. When she asks about the meeting I might say well, on Monday, Wed, and Sat. I attend AA meetings. Bunch of great people....... AA meetings can be a positive thing or a negitive one.

09-27-2009, 11:04 PM	#7 (permalink)
McGowdog On Double Secret Probation Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Southern Colorado Posts: 1,075	More fish in the sea. __________________ The alcoholic ego is like a baby... it has tremendous appetite on one end and no responsibility on the other-Paul Martin of Chicago Per SR guidelines... quotes or paraphrases from BB 1st Edition.

09-28-2009, 04:22 AM	#8 (permalink)
north Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Overseas... on the shore of an uncharted desert isle. Posts: 85	Look - why not just start by indicating you don't drink, or quit drinking for good? Unless it's vital to your own self-identity or sobriety, I don't see the need to always indicate that you are an alcoholic or are in AA. If they ask "why?" and you feel comfortable with it and them, proceed to the next step of disclosure.

09-28-2009, 02:58 PM	#9 (permalink)
Fishman33 Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 17	I would just be open and honest with her. The truth works best in these situations.

09-28-2009, 06:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
Overman 9/15/08 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: eastern Kansas Posts: 239	One line I found to be amusing was the one borrowed from the original (Lou Ferrigno) Hulk series: "You wouldn't like me when I start drinking..." __________________ "If you can smile whenever anything goes wrong, you are either an idiot or a repairman." (or sober!) ~ Anon

10-02-2009, 11:38 PM	#11 (permalink)
Overman 9/15/08 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: eastern Kansas Posts: 239	Just met a (seemingly) good woman yesterday. I was up front about my recovery and she was totally cool with it, because she doesn't drink (yahoo!). Went out and had a great time with her. She was born and raised in a Muslim family, though she's not a conservative follower or anything. Guys, go for the Persian and Arab ladies! Just don't pss'em off. __________________ "If you can smile whenever anything goes wrong, you are either an idiot or a repairman." (or sober!*) ~ Anon

10-08-2009, 03:23 PM	#12 (permalink)
digderidoo Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: UK Posts: 360	I have seen and spoken to her tonight about it. We have a shared history in that we were both brought up very religious in the same religion, then went off the rails once we left it, so she can see where i am coming from. It's been a couple of weeks since i've seen her as she has been on holiday, so although we've spoken on the phone most days i wanted to talk about this face to face. She knew that i went through a period of drinking and drugs but not to the extent that i class myself as an alcoholic and nothing about AA. I was very open and honest, she had questions of course, i was happy to answer. I also had the mindset that if she doesn't accept who i am, then i would still be glad i told her, because i do not want to pretend i'm somebody else. The crux is she accepts me for who i am, she said it hasn't changed her opinion of me, if anything she's glad that i can talk to her about it and that we can be so open with each other. It feels good to have someone who accepts me for who i am and not the fake image of myself that i used to present to people. Paul __________________ The mind is everything. What you think you become. ~ Gautam Buddha

10-08-2009, 06:33 PM	#13 (permalink)
jimhere Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Everett, WA Posts: 2,322	I believe the truth will work every time.

10-13-2009, 03:09 PM	#14 (permalink)
Jfanagle Another Day in Paradise Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Upland, CA Posts: 555	I have found that over that first cup of coffee or wherever the initial meeting may occur, if I simply let the lady know that "I am a scoundrel and an alcoholic. I attend AA for the alcoholism, haven't found anything for the other." I have never in 10 years and a few ladies had a negative reaction to my sobriety, in fact almost to a lady I have found that they are attracted to someone who has confronted his dragons and is doing something about them. Jon __________________ Indecision may or may not be my problem!

10-23-2009, 07:29 AM	#15 (permalink)
brixkwall Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Glasgow Posts: 10	Some good advice here. It's seems to me that you have to turn every negative into a positive. Women like guys who are getting things sorted out no matter what it is, tell her how you now enjoy doing so many other things. The ladies love walking and talking - hope you have a dog

10-23-2009, 05:57 PM	#16 (permalink)
Overman 9/15/08 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: eastern Kansas Posts: 239	@ Jf I have never in 10 years and a few ladies had a negative reaction to my sobriety, in fact almost to a lady I have found that they are attracted to someone who has confronted his dragons and is doing something about them. Well, you're lucky. I guess it's how you approach them. IME, I wouldn't consider their reactions to my recovery to be 'negative'...but when they stop seeing me either abruptly or shortly after telling them, it gets to be frustrating. I used to be TOO honest and tell them right up front....but now I've learned not to bring up my recovery early on unless they press me on it. I just say I don't drink, and if they insist on going to a bar I offer an alternative. If they ask why I don't drink, then I explain my recovery process. Sigh. So many women want to "go out for a drink" as part of the dating ritual...especially the 20/30s crowd. It can be challenging to come up with alternatives, especially when they are 'normies' and enjoy hanging out with their friends at bars/clubs. __________________ "If you can smile whenever anything goes wrong, you are either an idiot or a repairman." (or sober!) ~ Anon

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