My significant other and I....and my battle with alcoholism

[MagicMan08]

My siginificant other and I have been through a lot as a result of my alcoholism. Recently we separated and she saw someone else. Which I knew about, and now we are seeing each other again.

The problem is this. Her friends, coworkers,, and loved ones witnessed first hand the pain and greif I caused her when I would relapse and make poor choices while actively drinking. So they don't fully support her seeing me and us being together. Well, I am sober now (and working the steps and practicing life in recovery) and would like to be together with Sara. Since we have been eeing each other again, I feel the biggest thing holder her and I back from freedom together is her worrying about being made to feel bad and that she is being stupid by being together. So she is not telling everyone we are seeing each other and back together again. (not bf and gf yet)

My situation is as follows. Today I call and speak with her and she mentions this guy who has been texting her and such wants to hang out and catch up from 2 years ago. Now this throws up huge red flags, as someone who is totally interested in me would not really be very interested in texting him back much less wanting to hang out. But I feel the stigma of us being together is much harder than simply finding someone new, and that she feels we cannor go do everything that they can because I am in recovery.

So I am at a point where I feel she needs to commit to being with me and working through this family and friends thing, otherwise I need to distance myself if she is not willing to commit to working this out for us. I feel this stigma is causing her great pain and if she is 50/50 on the fence and thinking about facing that stigma w friends and family alone she won't do it. I know I wouldn't want to. And someone new is easier. We have been seeing each other for about 5 years. And I am not going to sit around while she goes and hangs out with other guys (she said I cannot tag along) .

[MagicMan08]

Its just I feel if I don't assert myself and work on US...things will stay the same. And if she is not willing to face the family and friends with fear of me hurting her....it will always be that way, and I will lose.

I feel I should talk to her in person about this, and that if she is not ready to commit, she isn't ready to have me. Especially if she is texting and thinking about going out with other guys. Why prolong the pain and probability of getting hurt. I feel it will probably end up with me being alone, but it is for the best then. I have to assert myself, and move on if it will always be this way in her eyes.

I plan on hitting some good meetings this week, and working out pretty hard in the gym. There are good people out there for all of us, and I can't sit around and let her see other people while she sees if I am good enough for her. She can't have me and do that too.

What do you all think?

[DayWalker]

MM I was in almost the exact same situation myself back about 9-10 years ago with my ex-fiance, only it was more her family than her friends or co workers. I'm not one to give relationship advice because lord knows I messed up my share of them in the past decade but since you asked I'll just say this.

Telling her how you feel about her I don't think is a bad idea at all, but just from my own experience...pushing her for a commitment too soon before she's ready might end up pushing her away if she's not ready to get beyond the past yet. As much as you'd like for her to get over the past you know as well as anyone that you can only control yourself. So if she's not ready to get over what you guys went through while you were drinking just yet then that's something she's gonna have to do according to her own time frame ya know.

I know it's gotta be hard knowing other guys are contacting her. But if she's cares about you and is able to go beyond the past then she'll come around, but it's probably just gonna have to be on her own time frame/terms.

I feel for ya man like I said I was there myself at one point. Hope it works out for you.

Steve

[augchange]

Hi MagicMan08
Just thought I would tell you how helpfull your message is.
I am going through a tough time in my relationship and never am quite sure if the decisions I make are the right ones.
I have just come back from a long walk to get my wits about me and it always seems to work.

I think for you to work out at the gym and keep busy is the way to go.
You will be able to clear you mind and make better decisions. Your self esteem will grow as you start feeling better about yourself. I time my exercise when I feel like a drink and after my first bead of sweat has fallen, a drink is the last thing on my mind and my head is clear!
As men we always want to know that we are special to our women and that she sees no other man in the same way. There is nothing wrong with that. I will take nothing less from a relationship but total commitment because I give total commitment.

[Gofish]

Magic-

Thanks for this post. I have no advice, really, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone here. My girlfriend and I were in the same situation. She treated me like crap for the better part of a year (though she's not and addict or alcoholic). When we got back together we kept it a secret because I couldn't tell my friends/family about it -- they'd be pissed at me! It didn't work out. She broke my heart yet again. I'm not saying that you will do the same, I'm just telling you that you're not the only one out there in a secret relationship.

I'm totally heart broken and I know that it's my fault for going back for more abuse. Do you think she could be thinking like this? Maybe she's just trying to keep all options open due to the past history of the relationship? I don't know. Perhaps you should be honest with her and ask her to do the same.

Good luck to you, bro. I hope it all works out the way you want it to.

[Hammer]

Originally Posted by MagicMan08

I feel I should talk to her in person about this, and that if she is not ready to commit, she isn't ready to have me. Especially if she is texting and thinking about going out with other guys. Why prolong the pain and probability of getting hurt. I feel it will probably end up with me being alone, but it is for the best then. I have to assert myself, and move on if it will always be this way in her eyes.

I plan on hitting some good meetings this week, and working out pretty hard in the gym. There are good people out there for all of us, and I can't sit around and let her see other people while she sees if I am good enough for her. She can't have me and do that too.

What do you all think?

One word.

Agree.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Originally Posted by MagicMan08

And I am not going to sit around while she goes and hangs out with other guys (she said I cannot tag along) .

Cough,,, Maybe hang out in meetings and with other AA members....

Um.. Been there.. Done that.. You may or may not have lost her. Let her go and if she comes back she will be yours. Take a hostage and she will be gone before long.

I was at the end of my drinking and took a hostage. She left and never came back. It hurt, sucked and made me work on myself even more. If it wasn't for that pain early on I don't think I would have stayed put in meetings as much as I did early on. While I often wonder I know it was the best thing for me,, but it did hurt..

[MagicMan08]

Well since i have posted this, I have pretty much began to heal and emotionally distance myself from her just by her not simply being available and treating me the way I would like to be treated, or her inability to commit to something. It bugs the sh*t out of me....at this point I am like whatever....but things are overall going okay.

Down 30 lbs, and am in pretty good physical condition....have another like 50lbs to lose! But it feels good looking at the smaller racks of clothes!

[yeahgr8]

Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing

Cough,,, Maybe hang out in meetings and with other AA members....

Um.. Been there.. Done that.. You may or may not have lost her. Let her go and if she comes back she will be yours. Take a hostage and she will be gone before long.

I was at the end of my drinking and took a hostage. She left and never came back. It hurt, sucked and made me work on myself even more. If it wasn't for that pain early on I don't think I would have stayed put in meetings as much as I did early on. While I often wonder I know it was the best thing for me,, but it did hurt..

Yep i did this too! Now i look back and think how crazy i was, what the hell was i doing with her in the first place...low self esteem or what?!!!

Got to be grateful for that pain though, i could have gone either way and i went the right way this time...made amend...moved on:-)

[emmanuel2012]

i agree with DayWalkers advice regarding pushing a committment early on.
my ex-fiance was thinking about getting back together with me last year.
thought she had made a mistake to leave me for another guy,
but when i forced the issue, because it hurt so bad, that she should then
dump the guy for me, before we got serious again, she ran right back to the new guy.
women's hearts are very delicate. in my case, i have just learned to try to pace myself
and be patient. it really sucks playing second fiddle, and most guys wouldn't stand for it at all. weve all heard this before... the conclusion at the end of the day is that if it's meant to be, it will happen. if you are trying to get her (and eventually her friends/coworkers) to know a whole new you, the part of you she should get to know first are not your boundaries you would set on her (her hanging out with (or even dating) other guys).. she should first learn that you will always love an accept her no matter what she does. Be her friend. you can ask her about her friends, if she brings it up, but don't get too interrogational. otherwise, let her have her own private social life; especially if you had your own when you were drinking/using. if youre like me, and sensitive to the fidelity issue, the less you know bout that the better at this point.

there was a t-shirt at a humor store i saw that i now want to get, that fits this situation perfectly... perhaps you would find it funny (an empathetic offering of humor to comfort a wounded relationship):

"Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and then quickly change the subject"