Dating in the rooms

[Gmoney]

Do any of you guys date within the fellowships? If so, why? And if not, why not?

I'll give ya a little of my story: As a newcomer, I got drilled with the 'no relationship for one year crap' and figured I'd follow directions for a while. I turned down a lot of offers, but gave in at around 10 months clean. I must admit that being sentenced to prison helped me decide to go ahead and "get busy" because I knew I wouldn't be able to for a while.

By the time I came home, I had 2 1/2 years clean and was eager, yet I kept hearing horror stories about relationships and the stuff I heard the women share scared the crap out of me. Too many women (and some men) would air-out their dirty laundry in meetings and I didn't want to risk having to avoid meetings because the person I was involved with decides to character assassinate me.

Now, at almost 11 years clean, I'm single again and met a woman in the rooms. She's very attractive and has almost 6 years in recovery. After 3 weeks of dating, she's changed from Dr. Jeckyl to Mr. Hyde. I'm well aware that some of us are sicker than others, and clean time doesn't always equal recovery, but this experience has reaffirmed my decision NOT to date in the rooms.

tflms

[Time2Surrender]

I dated women in the rooms for 10 years. Yesterday I took a 90 day key tag. Today I cannot go to a meeting without at least one ex girlfriend being there. Sometimes 4 or 5. I have been in some sick relationships. Mostly on my part. I have been taking a look at my choices in the past. For the last 10 years these were the requirments to date me........

1. Unemployed
2. No car
3. No drivers license (preferably suspended with fines owed)
4. On probation (preferably behind on fees)
5. Still married but seperated
6. Has kids (preferably more than two)
7. Homeless
8. On medication

Those are the women I would attract. Usually I would look for ALL of the above and end up allowing them to move in with me within the first month. For some reason these relationships NEVER worked? Go figure. Why did I keep attracting these women? Could it be cause I NEVER took the time to work on myself? Healthy people dont attract people like that. For now I am single. I dont date. I am also happy today. I am working the steps with a new sponsor and working on myself. But, when I reach a point to allow someone in my life, it will NOT be someone from the rooms of AA/NA. No way. Been there, done that.

[Gmoney]

T2S,

Although your experience doesn't mirror my own, I have to say it's classic. I've heard it a lot. I've got a sponsee that shares, "Two sickies don't make a wellie!" LMAO!!

I tend to attract all kinds, but it's up to me to accept what's offered. I'd hear women share about how they've never been loyal or true in relationships, then down the road they'll be up in my face. No thanks!! If you can't be true to those guys, what makes me special? Fact is...I'm not, and she'll do the same to me.

I keep my sneakers on, so to speak. And I've run from so many propositions that many of the women in the rooms started spreading the rumor that I was gay. Yeah...right. But I understand that it's easier to point the finger at me than to look at themselves.

I'll pass.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

always loved that saying " how can you tell when, two people in recovery are on their second date? there's a moving van outside the house"

For the most part, long time sobriety ensures serenity, not always though.

If, you're well in your recovery, you'll be able to notice the difference in members of the opposite sex.

I always believe this to be true for the most part, a man will marry a woman hoping, she won't change, a woman will marry a guy hoping, to change him

grrr

[Astro]

I'll share a little of my story too. Not too much or it'd read like a novel

I agree that two sickies don't make a wellie. There's also:

1. This ain't a hotbed of health.
2. The pickin's are good, and the goods are odd.

I'm sure there are some other great thoughts out there about sick behavior when it comes to recovery relationships. I totally identified the list of requirements that T2S posted, cuz my codependent self would seek out someone just like that, thinking I can rush in like a knight in shining armor to rescue them. I also agree with what Cap'n shared, the longer we're in recovery, the more we'll notice the differences in members of the opposite sex.

I met a woman my first year in AA, we were kindred spirits (whackos actually) and hit it off well. Both single parents, kids the same age, she had a low-paying job and an apartment, I had money and a small home. Seemed like a perfect fit, I mean she needed me, right? Wrong!. For the next 1 1/2 years she jerked my emotions all over the place and I played my own part in the insanity too. Commitmentphobia and codependency was rampant in our relationship, which amazingly and thankfully never reached the physical stage.

If you were to read back through all my posts on SR you'd see that I also started a relationship with a woman from these forums, and she got wrapped up in all that lunacy too. Making the amends for what I did to her during that time is an ongoing process for me, and it's probably one of the most difficult amends I've ever had to make. But she works a solid program of recovery, she took care of herself, and she continued to love me through thick & thin. So there I was riding one hell of an emotional rollercoaster while I chased a sick woman around who really didn't give a crap about me, and I kept pushing away someone who cared about me unconditionally. Pretty effed up when I look back on it now.

OK I'm rambling, time to end this saga. I had to go no contact with the woman in AA. No phone calls, no text messages, nothing. As long as I continued to engage, she'd continue to hook me and let me down, it was an endless cycle. And that woman from these forums? We're engaged now, we've lived together for two months, both of us actively work our programs of recovery. It's not always easy, after all we're sick people looking for the calm within the storm, but it's very rewarding and fulfilling to have a partner who understands where I've been, and why I work a program in AA.

[Time2Surrender]

Not saying it doesnt work. Just aint for me anymore. After 10 years of doing that crap Im not intrested in the women in the meetings or even here at SoberRecovery either. Meetings and SR is about recovery for me today. I can meet plenty of women other places. My thing is riding Quads. I think I will hook up with a chick that rides next time. (and already owns her own) I've bought Quads and Dirtbikes for chicks in the past. Screw that. I'd rather buy myself another one.

[Gmoney]

I can meet plenty of women other places.

Amen!! Don't get me wrong here...amongst all the horror stories there are some happy endings, too. I know a guy who had about 6 years clean when he met his wife in the rooms. She was a newcomer. And now they've been happily married for almost 15 years. Then there's an ex-coworker of mine who has been with his wife for all 13 of his years clean. She recently celebrated 19 years. So...it can and does work and not every newcomer (or oldtimer) is a hopeless cause (relationship-wise).

But for me...stick me with a fork...I'm done. From what I've seen, the pickin's aren't that good.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

We all come to the rooms with baggage. I don't like to be around needy people and I hate to be needy myself!
I believe, drinking and drugging at an early age, stunts us to some degree in emotional security.


This was posted on here a while back.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-syndrome.html (King Baby Syndrome)

[Gmoney]

Thanks. I've read several articles by the author of "The King Baby Syndrome." And in the last rehab I was in, back in 1998, I had to write an essay on the subject. Although I agree that many people who suffer from addiction exhibit traits related to the King Baby Syndrome, I've concluded that the same holds true for many non-addicts. Self-centeredness and narcissism are human traits, and they may often be overblown when it comes to us addicts.

I had a counselor tell me once that I was a perfectionist. I almost went along with it because I felt she should know what she was talking about. Then, something told me to look it up for myself. End result: I'm not even close.

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by Gmoney

But for me...stick me with a fork...I'm done. From what I've seen, the pickin's aren't that good.

That makes two of us. Been there/done that. Too many times. I'm done.

[Gmoney]

Congrats on your 90 days, T2S!! Way to go.

[Gmoney]

Here's something else that related - just happened a couple of days ago, but I found out today.

There's a woman in the rooms with 13 years clean and she was dating an addict with just under 18 months. She's a pretty big girl (5' 11'' & 230 lbs. approx) and very outspoken and aggressive. By profession, she's a bouncer at a club and a security guard. Apparently, the couple broke up and had words.

My area is pretty large and there was once 3 noon meetings daily...now there's only one and many members attend. Actually, it's now one of our largest meetings and on any given day there will be anywhere between 30 - 60 members there.

Thursday, she showed up with an unknown man and they jumped on the ex-boyfriend and knocked him out cold. The facility has given the group one week to find a new location and members are looking into what they can do. Some have mentioned banning her from meetings. I have no idea what a solution is, but if it were me that got beat up, I'd have restraining orders, orders of protection and assault charges in place.

All I can think of is whether this newer member will feel as if he is run out of the fellowship...or if he will allow fear to keep him away. What if he uses behind this? I don't know him personally, but I do know his sponsor. I hope and pray he has the support he needs right now.

Of course I do not know the specifics behind the altercation, and my other concern is how the public will perceive us and the damage we do to our reputation when we continually get thrown out of facilities. Personally, this is just more affirmation for me to avoid relationships in the rooms.

[Dee74]

if we don't know the specifics isn't it just gossip?

D

[DesertEyes]

The problem is not the rooms, the problem is _me_.

I have a very finely tuned radar that can pick out the sickest woman for 100 miles around. Then I lock-on to her like a high technology weapon and become obsessed. Can you say "switching addictions"?

Couple weeks ago I was in a meet, and I heard some people coming in the door behind me. There was one female voice that sounded sexy. I can't tell you what it was about it, the way she ennunciated maybe? Her vocabulary? I don't know, but she sounded hot. She comes around the circle of chairs and yup, she was hot alright.... and met every last one of Time2Surrender's list.

I can spot 'em even behind my back

To me it's no different than booze. I _like_ how they make me feel. For a little while. Then it becomes a nightmare. Then I get rid of the "date hangover" and I'm ready for more. They make me feel everything that booze made me feel. Strong, smart, macho, in command of the world, powerful and invincible.

And it's not the rooms. I'm a photographer, in Las Vegas, there's tons of sick women out here that are _not_ in the rooms and every last one of them "pings" my radar.

So I'm working on _me_. Lots of meetings, several fellowships, dating just _one_ lady who's actually very stable, does _not_ meet any of Time2Surrender's list, and is _almost_ healthy. I didn't say I was cured of my "sick-chick-ism", I'm making progress

When I reach a point in my recovery that I am well enough to be a healthy partner to somebody else, it won't matter _where_ I find her. What will matter is that we will both be sane, sober and serene and I believe that so will our relationship.

Mike

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Keeping the sex drive in check and not zeroing in on every new good looking woman that starts going to meetings is a must.

If, you've got good recovery, you're more interested in seeing people succeed in AA first and foremost.

The oddest thing to me is, it seems like, the women in AA that, can recite the Big Book page by page are always the one's most screwed up.

Anyone ever notice that?

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by Dee74

if we don't know the specifics isn't it just gossip?

D

Not really. I mentioned no names...only situations. When I watch the news and they tell me a plane crashed, but they can't tell me why or who died...I don't view that as gossip - just sharing information.

Isn't gossiping when people discuss the private affairs of others (normally, with malicious intent)? Something that goes on at a meeting that endangers the welfare of our fellowship and it's members certainly doesn't qualify as someone's "private affairs" and my intent for sharing the info had nothing to do with slander or being malicious.

As a matter of fact, I was recently provided with more detailed info - which I won't share here...THAT would be gossip.

[Dee74]

Fair enough.

D

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by Gmoney

Congrats on your 90 days, T2S!! Way to go.

Thanks man.

[digderidoo]

I have seen a couple in the rooms get together. They both were in double figures in terms of years of sobriety. What hits me is that when one of them has issues with the other it does get mentioned in shares and i wonder whether this is some sort of point scoring between them.

After hearing these two airing their dirty linen in the rooms i have realised it's not for me.

Paul

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by digderidoo

I have seen a couple in the rooms get together. They both were in double figures in terms of years of sobriety. What hits me is that when one of them has issues with the other it does get mentioned in shares and i wonder whether this is some sort of point scoring between them.

After hearing these two airing their dirty linen in the rooms i have realised it's not for me.

Paul

I agree. I've seen it happen too many times. Although I do believe anything that affects my recovery can be shared in a meeting, that doesn't mean I should do it or that it is right. Some things need to be discussed privately. That's what sponsors are for. And the craziest part about it is after they've character assassinated each other in meetings, they'll get back together and get mad if someone else says anything about what they shared.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

for the most part, I like it better when, there isn't any females at a meeting

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

for the most part, I like it better when, there isn't any females at a meeting

I agree. Unless they are dancing naked and swinging on a pole. Oh, wait....thats a different meeting. Never mind.

[keithj]

Originally Posted by Time2Surrender

For some reason these relationships NEVER worked?

An old sponsor asked the question, "Keith, what's the common denominator in all these bad relationships?" When I did a thorough 4th step, I saw the truth.

So maybe it's that the women in the rooms are unworthy of a relationship, or maybe it's something else entirely.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Originally Posted by Time2Surrender

I agree. Unless they are dancing naked and swinging on a pole. Oh, wait....thats a different meeting. Never mind.

u huh


an, it cost me a lot more then 1 buck too

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Originally Posted by Astro

suki, stay out of the Men's Room!

put a title of men only no peeking ladies bet, there would be several women log off to peek at what was written!!