yo guys...got a relationship question....

[ex D-Boy]

hey everybody. so wanted to get your advice on this situation. I have talked with my therapist already about it and Im not sure if I agree with his opinion so I wanna bounce it off a few of you. hopefully you guys have some experience with this and could give me some advice.


Lately, I have been finding that I have been attracted to a girl. Very much I feel like and she has a past history of abusing drugs (opiates same as me) but she is also in recovery now. What do you all think about hooking up with somebody who was an ex- user. I am a little worried about us both relapsing together but she seems to be very independent and has been off drugs for a longer period of time than me.

MY therapist seems to think the reason I connect with her so much is for a genuine need of "treatment" and he feels like I am seeking out for her to save me and such? I dont see it that way, i like the fact that she has been through what I have been, and is able to relate to the feelings I struggle with (whether it be with family, craving, or just stress of the future)

So anyway, my question for you guys out there is, Once you all got sober, did you find it was safer and better to seek out females who never had a problem with addiction or did you go the route of choosing a recovered person because you guys had so much in common and were able to connect deeply with addiction as well as other subjects?? Which would you think is smarter?? am i doomed to relapse if i continue my relationship with this girl??

any thoughts, advice, similar experiences would be appreciated. thanks alot guys~

[jsml1234]

Hey Brother,
I don't have the experience to give much advice... married and only 43 days into sobriety.
You don't state how long either of you are into recovery. I personally would defer to the professional and work my recovery as directed.
Just my humble opinion.
Strong work on what you have gained so far.

[ex D-Boy]

thanks for your suggestion jsm. a little bit more info i guess was needed.

At the current time I am 2 months and 1 day sober from all drugs. (got sober on christmas day) . My longest time of sobriety was 10 months which was briefly followed by a month and a half relapse of everyday use (IV Heroin) and now I am back with 2 months sober.

This girl on the other hand has close to 6 months now. I have known her a little over 2 years (so we did know each other while we were both using) but she seems very commited to recovery.

[ex D-Boy]

oh btw, this girl has had feelings for me probably ever since we first met but it wasnt mutual until just recently. and I feel like if she was capable of having true feelings for me back when I was using heavily and she still has them now than it must be real??

[firestorm090]

Sounds like a good plan would be to continue to be friends while focusing on getting your selves together in recovery. There's no rush here, take your time. Focus on recovery and let the relationship develop naturally, instead of trying to go too fast. It's much better to tread the path of sobriety for awhile before you complicate both of your lives with a strong commitment too early. Take it slow.

[dgillz]

You are posting in the men's room bubblegum. That's a no-no.

I tend to agree with firestorm, there is no rush and keep your own sobriety first.

[endzoner]

is sobertiy the only thing that clicks for you both , mite find that later on you really only have that in commen and nuttin else in life , But i agree with firestorm , why rush it , if its working the way push it . Aslo what does her sponcer say bout this ? take it slow hunny ... your young and if you stay on the corse of soberity it will all be worth it in the end , but if you get caught up in something not so good , not only does it ruin all the work it could also jeoperdizer her soberity as well . and if you care bout her that much , its definatly worth just stickin with a plan of friendship .. love ya your friend Enzy ( sorry i know its a men room) but im a tom boy so i thought i could least try

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by ex D-Boy

any thoughts, advice, similar experiences would be appreciated. thanks alot guys~

I think with the very little time you have under your belt, it would be smarter to stay out of the relationship and concentrate on your recovery. While staying involved with someone didn't trigger a relapse-it was suggested to me early on that I dump her like a bad habit-I can honestly say I didn't experienced much-if any-growth through the involvement.

You're paying a therapist for his objective opinion, he knows you better than any of us (hopefully) so I would suggest giving his advice some thought.

[firestorm090]

Why is a girl in the men's section? That's bullshit.

[yeahgr8]

hehe calm down firestorm;-)

hang on i'm only saying that cos she looks cute in her avatar?!

now i'm confused

[firestorm090]

I apologize for being rude in my last post. I was in a rotten mood. Sorry, ladies.

[MagicMan08]

lots of women cruise this forum....oddly enough....this is like the 3rd post total I have seen in here from a woman...and i don't read all of the threads....

but the girl thing....this is tough as there really is no right way to go about this.....some people may thrive by having a relationship in sobriety. But the general consensus seems to be that you should avoid relationships the first year of sobriety to get a solid base with yourself and to avoid possible destruction of the relationship that could cause relapse. I for one will not let a woman get me down and ruin my serenity....they can enhance it...but hurt me and my sobriety....pshh take off. (see thread about gf staying the same)

Remember......if staying clean is the most important thing in your life....being with someone who has had a known addiction problem and are early in their sobriety could be disastrous if they choose to use again. Be careful.....if you are like any one I know....you will go through with this relationship thing.

I know that since I have became sober, right now, it is all about me and re-gaining what I have lost or didn't do when using.....this can only be done by myself. In doing these things I know for a fact that I can be the person I have always wanted to be. Someone can come along for the ride....but I am not gunna let em give me a flat tire on my road trip of sobriety and my goals.

[The_Hammer]

It's not tough at all. The program says no relationships for 1 year, all the old timers say one year.

[dgillz]

The "no relationships for a year" thing is no where in the AA book. This the rehab industry talking. Not to say this is a bad rule, just to clarify.

[ex D-Boy]

thanks guys for all the responses. ive decided to go with the majority of you and just ease off of this girl. it aint worth risking, no matter how small that probability of me using ends up being. just going to stay friends for now.

[kamboy17]

I agree - to often you try and use the natural high of a new relationship to replace the feelings we had when using a drug of choice

it's not worth it to either party to start a new relationship until you have both been sober for at least a year

[Doug]

Originally Posted by firestorm090

Why is a girl in the men's section? That's bullshit.

Yes, some don't seem to get the picture, and they get just as upset when a man wanders into the "Womens Forum"

At any rate that post has been removed, and I always remove them when I see them.

If you guys come across other's in here, you can report the post or send me a PM.

[tommygnosis]

Originally Posted by Doug

Yes, some don't seem to get the picture, and they get just as upset when a man wanders into the "Womens Forum"

At any rate that post has been removed, and I always remove them when I see them.

If you guys come across other's in here, you can report the post or send me a PM.

Thank God, it's the gender police.

[Doug]

That's the right attitude, especially when it says right outside the forum title MEN ONLY.

MENS FORUM, MEN ONLY.

WOMENS FORUM, WOMEN ONLY.

Most seem to understand this, and most understand that if you want opposite/other sex discussion, not to use either of these forums.

While you're trying to come up with another smart azz, uncalled for reply, click on that link in my signature....