Need marital advice

[elso]

Hello,
I have been with my wife for nearly 9 years and married for the last 3.5 years. For most of that time I hid my drug and alcohol problems from her and lived a dishonest double life of chemical abuse. After 2 rehab stints I finally found the willingness to surrender and I now have just over 1 year clean and sober after 25 yrs of self abuse. I have fully dived into the AA fellowship and without all of my new friends and meetings (at least 5 per week) I would not have been able to make it this far. It has been very rough on my wife (who drinks occasionally, definitely not an addict) on my new life. She is upset that I am never around and when I am that it has become drudgery. She is upset that I get my support from AA and AA friends/sponsor and not her. She also refuses to go to Al Anon. Also, I continue to engage in dishonest behavior. Something I never did in active addiction was have extra marital affairs. I now find myself getting emotionally involved with other women in the program and this has really been an issue with my wife. I ended all contact with the first one 6 months ago, but I have now found myself in the exact same situation now. I fear that i am really falling for this new person. We seem to have more in common with my new life. She kicked me out last week when she found out about it and I moved into my own apt. But she wants me back and I don't know what to do as I am now engrossed with this new woman (we have not slept together). Anyone with advice?

[The_Hammer]

Originally Posted by elso

Hello,
I have been with my wife for nearly 9 years and married for the last 3.5 years. For most of that time I hid my drug and alcohol problems from her and lived a dishonest double life of chemical abuse. After 2 rehab stints I finally found the willingness to surrender and I now have just over 1 year clean and sober after 25 yrs of self abuse. I have fully dived into the AA fellowship and without all of my new friends and meetings (at least 5 per week) I would not have been able to make it this far. It has been very rough on my wife (who drinks occasionally, definitely not an addict) on my new life. She is upset that I am never around and when I am that it has become drudgery. She is upset that I get my support from AA and AA friends/sponsor and not her. She also refuses to go to Al Anon. Also, I continue to engage in dishonest behavior. Something I never did in active addiction was have extra marital affairs. I now find myself getting emotionally involved with other women in the program and this has really been an issue with my wife. I ended all contact with the first one 6 months ago, but I have now found myself in the exact same situation now. I fear that i am really falling for this new person. We seem to have more in common with my new life. She kicked me out last week when she found out about it and I moved into my own apt. But she wants me back and I don't know what to do as I am now engrossed with this new woman (we have not slept together). Anyone with advice?

Although most folks in today's society would disagree with me, I say you have a moral, ethical and general obligation to your wife. You are the one with the issue here, not her. It is quite common for us to fall for women in the program. Your sponsor will tell you to leave all women with one year and less alone, these are emotional cripples, and you are simply taking advantage with them. Other women we involve ourselves with should know better, at least that you are in a committed relationship and not available. Anyone with more than a year should know you are off limits. At this point you should make every effort to reconcile your relationship with your wife, after all the old behaviors are what we are combating, not culturing. Get counseling, stress Alanon, but refrain from taking her inventory (such as rubbing her nose in the fact that she has not attended Alanon yet. You made vows, keep them. Mere suggestions, not advice.

[firestorm090]

Hi elso,

I've only been sober for a few days, however I have had situations that required making some hard choices as far as honoring the marital vows we pledge to honor when we marry. It's a two-way street, so we have to ask ourselves how we would feel if the roles were reversed. How would you feel if your wife were screwing around on you? The best way to deal with this type of lover's triangle is to let go of one relationship before getting involved in another. At some point, the lady you are involved with from AA will begin to ask herself if she can really trust someone who is screwing around on his wife, by being with her. Being dishonest erodes the trust that is necessary in any relationship. Without trust, you don't have much of a relationship, at least not one of any value. Can your new lady trust you when she is not new anymore? Considering that this is your second affair, she has to wonder just what it is that you are really up to. That is not benficial for any healthy relationship, and what's the point of having just another fling? Flings ultimately end up as a waste of time, money, and effort, and innocent people get hurt. The bottom line is, how much damage do you want to cause?

My suggestion wuld be to really do some soul-searching here, to determine who you want to be with. Once you figure that out, do it, and try not to cause more damage than you already have. The damage we cause others comes back to us in spades.

[seiko]

Tough one buddy!

Whilst in rehab they ran a session on sex and addiction. It was fantastic.
The most pertinant advise was to NOT get into a relationship in the first 12 months. I got to meetings where a number of people have ignored this advise, and am blown away by the $hit that they have around them.

Secondly, I too find more solace with female recoverees than with my wife. They seem more tuned in to where we all are at, more undarstanding and caring. The ego feels good. But, they never carried the baggage that my wife did. So now it's my turn.

Time out to think seems a good idea.