The estrogen gang

[Episteme]

At around 4-5 months clean I started dating someone in the rooms. She is older, has substantially more ‘clean-time’, and is a well respected senior member. 3 months ago, just following my last vascular surgery, she decided to call it quits (from me, not the program). Although I question her timing and the abrupt way she chose to leave, I learned a lot from the relationship and harbour no regrets or resentments. However…

Isn’t there always a catch...? Several of her friends and sponsees have taken it upon themselves of late to make my life a living hell in the rooms. Now, don’t get me wrong, I can take insensitive comments in stride today, but the passive-aggression and outright hostility I’m receiving is off the chain. I’m no saint, and I made my fair share of mistakes in the relationship – but they were all misdemeanours at best and certainly nothing to explain this sort of social retaliation. :wtf2

Bottom-line is that I started coming to the rooms 2+ years ago because it was a safe refuge from the insanity/use that accompanies isolation. It provided the grounding I needed to get clean. Today, the rooms feel anything but safe, or grounding for that matter.

For a while I was convincing myself that hiding at home would only erode my hard-won sense of self esteem. But that argument has proven itself flawed since the ‘warm’ reception I get is even more eroding. As I was telling my counsellor last night, I was coming home from meetings feeling like I “need” a drink, and I haven’t been to a meeting in almost a month now as a result.

The unsettling truth is that I feel much more relaxed and happy since I stopped going to the rooms. I still occasionally run into one of her friends on the street, but they’re much easier to handle when not in packs, the way they are in the rooms. In fact, they’re downright sheepish as individuals.

The concern (and the reason I’m writing this) comes from the grace of witnessing others who have left the rooms only to return at a later date having had a relapse. I don’t want to ever want to use again… using was hell. But I don’t want to go back to the rooms either – that’s hell too.

All that to say, I’d really like to benefit from your ESH on this one. What did you do when you were being bullied out of the rooms? How did you deal with the feelings of disillusionment? What about your opinion, do I just need to man-up on this one and ride out the storm; am I running from my problems inappropriately?

Finally, the boys are coming over tonight after work for our weekly pizza/Wii Boxing night… I’ll bounce it off them as well. They’re not in recovery, but they do know me well enough to listen and speak plainly… besides, beating the crap out of friends in a videogame is WONDERFUL therapy : )

As always, greatful for your presence and wishing you a serene 24hrs!

Warmest regards,

Epi

[Ago]

hmmm......

Well...I've gone through this ...I'd like to say once, but I have to admit my fair share of times over the years. (I got sober pretty young, in a large and young fellowship...we were.....ummm.... pretty busy....learning new ways to occupy our time while not drinking)

First, I'd go to men's meetings

second, I go to meetings to save my life, and I won't let some pack of shrews keep me away from my program for any reason whatsoever, it's pretty much a given and old hat around here, if you date in the program, you are going to have some reeeaaaalllly uncomfortable meetings every once in a while as you writhe through a meeting sitting across from your ex and her friends, it just comes with dating in the program. Both myself and many of my friends have all been through it, pretty much no one cares, they just make sure that neither of you drink over it, that remains the important thing.

third, I'd like to say, I finally learned not to sh1t where I eat, but that hasn't turned out to always be the case, I'm actually taking some lumps right now, as I started dating a girl outside the rooms, then she decides she's an alcoholic, starts coming to meetings, raising her hand as a newcomer while holding my hand (I'm the guy going "oh ****" and turning red cause now it looks as if I may be poaching) then we have an ugly break up with some women friends of mine I introduced her to rushing to give her aid (rightfully so) and I can't even have a good vent, as they say "now let's not bash the newcomer" /mutter mutter gnashes teeth.

fourth, After some time passes, I've usually pulled these women aside and had a heart to heart with them, and actually In the past I've ended up actually sleeping with some of those women giving me the hardest time, not the healthiest behavior, but there was a certain satisfaction in that. (i'm being about 99% facetious, but it has happened, and I have pulled them aside and had a careful heart to heart letting them know how much their behavior hurts me, and I need meetings but it's hard with all this judgement coming at me etc. etc.)

anyhow, the thing is, a week later you are last weeks news, that sorta thing is as common as dirt in the larger, younger fellowships, I got to relive high school all over again, and relearn all the same lessons.



Anyhow, for me, I just took my lumps, and truthfully?

Some of my very best friends in the whole world now are those exes from bygone years...we get to absolutely tell the truth to each other, we get the opposite sex'es view of stuff....and there is no need for games or...anything, we gave it a go, dint work out, now we can be great friends...the transition can be a bit uncomfortable...but wth.

going through this sort of thing just comes with dating...you know? the important thing is don't let it take you out, there's a reason they say beneath every skirt is a slip.