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Old 04-27-2017, 08:32 AM   #21 (permalink)
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I'll also add support here for the sober sex notion......

I had had sex without using drugs or alcohol in my life... but not while really, truly "SOBER" - as in during a period of sobriety.

Even if we weren't actively drunk or high, sex during our drinking and drugging days was always from the mindset of a person who lived with substances.... never really from the place of being our actual, full SELVES.

How weird is that? Even my first time - which I wasn't using anything for - was when I was 16 years old and already drinking and smoking pot and consuming massive quantities of sugar and caffeine. So, my first sexual experience was pretty lackluster.... and over with VERY quickly..... and that imprinted on my mind and the worry and fear associated with that experience brought challenges to my later sexual experiences.

So... I discovered that having sex WHILE drinking or drugging helped offset that sexual performance anxiety and make it "better". So for years, even decades I trained myself to believe that being messed up was how to have 'good' sex.

And so, in recovery, in sobriety, I've had to muddle through undoing all of that. I've had to learn to relax and not get so attached to performance. I've had to learn to accept that our bodies react and respond differently at different times, life stages, parts of the year, in response to fatigue, in response to our emotions.... in short - I've had to learn to BE A HUMAN BEING and recognize that sexuality is only one slice of being human.... and that unlike all the porn I watched as a kid and a young adult - human beings aren't sex machines. Our value isn't attached to how long we have sex or how hard our genitals get or how many times a week a day or a month we have sex.

It's just one of many ways that we begin to actually experience life as present, mature, balanced adult humans.

Sometimes, sex is outstanding. Other times, sex is a short-lived but still-meaningful way of connecting with someone we love or at least want to share pleasure with. We lived for years of our lives without any sex at all, and one day we will enter another life stage where sex really isn't a part of the equation at all anymore. We put way too much importance and self-worth on SEX.

The more we can begin to recognize that sex is only one piece of being human and that we don't need to rate and rank and perform and hang our worth upon our sexual experiences - the more we become able to really connect with and enjoy sex.

Anyway, that's a bit of a rant but it's been a process and a meaningful experience for me. Even now, over three years into recovery, I sometimes get hung up about it. I've noticed that my body rythms for whatever reason are such that my sexual respose is more robust and consistent and enduring during the summer months. I live in the far northern latitudes where winters come with short days, weak sunlight, cold weather and darkness. That has an impact on seretonin production and mood regulation. Taking melatonin and 5htp supplements in the winter seems to help - but even then I get frustrated with not 'lasting' as long as I'd like.

A few years ago when I got sober, my body patterns flipped upside down. Now for some reason I almost never get "morning wood" - instead I get night wood. At bedtime. Or in the middle of the night. It can be frustrating because often my wife is exhausted at night but rested and ready in the morning... but inexplicably in the morning I have either erectile problems or cannot last more than a minute or so..... STRANGE!!! WHAT THE HECK????

I obsessed over it for quite a while. Got upset. Felt less of a man. But over time realized and communicated and we just roll with it. I don't know WHY that happens, I don't know if it'll change again someday soon.... but I have come to be less and less attached to it. Life is about change and sex is not consistently mind-blowing. In fact.... most of the time sex ISN'T mind-blowing. Most of the time, modern-day humans have some blend of things going on in their lives that works against sex and makes it something we sort of squeeze in..... or it's totally ON for one person but not the other.

Put less pressure on yourself, balance your life, be open about your feelings with your partner and share your concerns and frustrations - but then also share your confidence that it's not a huge deal and it'll be OK. It actually seems unhelpful most of the time to spend a lot of time griping and worrying and rationalizing to our partners because (HERE's A SECRET GUYS) sexual 'performance' is less of an issue to most women than any of us think..... probably because they've spent most of their lives having pretty lackluster sex and being largely responsible for their own satisfaction. sex to most women isn't as much about how 'mind blowing' it is or how long or hard you can go - but about CONNECTION. It's about intimate sharing with their man.

Anyway.... hang in there, don't stress over it, get a counselor and talk to them if you need to talk out the obsessing over it (as opposed to obsessing to your partner about it), work on your attitudes about sex and really seeing how you see sex, yourself, etc.... and then focus on building a whole, balanced, sober life and you'll find that you will settle into a new place where your sexual response and sex life are a rewarding and positive part of your whole experience of living.
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Old 04-27-2017, 04:29 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Hi inplainview - not sure how long you've been a drinker or how hard a drinker you were but I think, generally, we do underestimate the physical and mental toll of that drinking on body and mind.

I hope things will return to normal for you soon.

If not, or if it's really concerning you maybe seeing your Dr is the next step?
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Old 04-28-2017, 04:33 AM   #23 (permalink)
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inplainview, welcome, and I agree that it might take a little more time for our manhood to return to normal functioning levels. Personally, I had a lot on my mind my first few weeks and even months of sobriety. "Getting it up" was the least of my concerns and after I got a good program of recovery going I was able to focus when needed on my sexual performance.
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Old 04-28-2017, 10:57 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi inplainview - not sure how long you've been a drinker or how hard a drinker you were but I think, generally, we do underestimate the physical and mental toll of that drinking on body and mind.

I hope things will return to normal for you soon.

If not, or if it's really concerning you maybe seeing your Dr is the next step?
Thanks Dee. I am a pretty heavy drinker, about a fifth a day. I haven't had a drop since 4/20. (I say 'am' becsuse i will never be able to drink normally again). I have been drinking heavy for years so it clearly has affected me. I know it's unrealistic to think years of drinking can be undone in a week but it's my manhood lol, and it's freaking me out. I think you are right, a trip to the Dr may be in order.
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Old 07-20-2017, 10:39 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Try and hang in there OP.
Although Ive been drinking pretty much every night for 20 years, I have also quit for the odd few weeks at a time and gone back each time.
Each time I cut back I got the same ED problems, side effects, naussea etc, the first week (3 days are the worst for me) is a weird feeling, then it tends to be, OH, I feel a twinge coming on down there, but like you say not fully hard.

I get the cialis out and that sorts it. Unfortunately I usually tend to go back on the booze, but Im not as heavy a drinker as I used to be, so feel I am gradually chipping away at it, in the hope one day Ill just quit all together.

Good luck, it will get better...OH and for the porn thing, anyone reading, it really does mess with your head, In all aspects of your life, check out the TEd Glasgow talk on internet porn experiment
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Old 08-12-2017, 05:26 AM   #26 (permalink)
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I'm not a doctor, but I will tell you what I did: there is a natural supplement called Ejaculoid (google it). After I got sober, my sex drive went to nothing for a long while (wife started to wonder). This helped me a lot! But you can't take it while drinking... you'll get really sick!
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