Been cheated on. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

quicksilver77 · 09-19-2007, 11:44 AM

Not sure if this is the right forum or not but I will give it a try.

About 3 months ago i found out that my girlfriend had cheated on me. She broke up with the guy about 2 weeks before I asked her to marry me.

I don't know who else to reach out to but I have been to counseling and it seemed to help for a bit but now I seem to be digressing. I am constantly anxious. I have lost like 15 pounds since this happened which has dropped me to about 147 if you can believe that.

I sit at work every day now for the past couple weeks and seem to be back in my old mood of anxiety and constant fast heartbeats. I think i am on a constant anxiety attack.

Do any of you guys have any advice for me? We are still together and the relationship is very good. I will tell more if you guys care at all. I can't talk to my friends.

**Astro** · 09-19-2007, 12:16 PM

If you're still together and the relationship is good, I'd say you have hope. You said you've been to counseling but have you and your GF gone together or considered any kind of therapy? Have you seen a doctor or psychiatrist for the anxiety attacks? I had those in early sobriety, my ex had cheated and we were divorcing, a prescription med was a huge help for me.

Are you involved in a recovery program or support group? Reaching out to others with similar issues might help you to deal with infidelity.

What I've learned after a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships and addictions is that I've attracted what I've put out, so in looking at my past relationships I discovered that they all had unhealthy aspects. Being an alcoholic I thrived on the dysfunction and the drama. Going forward in sobriety I've sought healthier relationships, and therapy helps me to work on issues that I'm unable to see for myself.

Keep asking questions. You'll find plenty of people who care on these forums.

quicksilver77 · 09-19-2007, 12:23 PM

Thanks for the reply.

We have not been to therapy together yet. The counseling helped in the earlier days but I am digressing i think. I guess I just let my mind go off in all directions and that brings on the anxiety. I have been on Anti-depressants before and they seemed to help a bit but the beginning stages were hell as my body got used to them.

My father is a recovering alcoholic and my mother cheated on him as well. He is happy now but we are not close and never will be so I cannot go to him for help. I guess thats why I chose an internet forum to air my dirty laundry so to speak.

Most of my friends (i think) do not understand why I am with her after all this. I explain it to myself in my mind that I love her very much and that if something was to happen in the future than I don't think i will be much more hurt than i was 3 months ago when I first found out. I just want to give myself a chance at happiness but I don't know if my mind will let me.

I cannot find any local support groups or I would go as talking about it seems to help in some ways even though it brings up hurtful memories.

**Astro** · 09-19-2007, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by quicksilver77

Most of my friends (i think) do not understand why I am with her after all this.

That is something you might want to carefully consider, although I understand where you heart probably is.

There are times when I think I'd like to be back together with my ex even though she married the guy she had the affair with, at one time we even took a brief stab at couples counseling. But I have to ask myself whether I'd ever be able to fully trust her again, and could I love her like I used to in spite of her heart straying away from me? Probably not. But that's just my thoughts, and I'll encourage you to decide what you desire in your life.

Support groups are everywhere, try your local churches or let me know where you live and I might be able to find a list of meetings for your area. I'm an alcoholic and attend AA regularly, but 6 months ago I started attending CoDA meetings to help me understand my issues with relationships. Those meetings continue to be a lifeline and blessing in my recovery.

**Peter** · 09-19-2007, 01:50 PM

You both need to see a marriage counsellor.

Your anxiety is caused from all the fears you now have from feeling betrayed and it is important that you both discuss your fears and expectations before entering into a permanent relationship.

I too value faithfulness very highly in a relationship and I would die a thousand deaths were I to be in love with someone who I felt I could not trust.

THE KING · 09-19-2007, 10:43 PM

get rid of her, if she would do it once she would do it again, you cant risk that therefore kick her ass to the curb cause if you dont do it now and you get married and then break up guess what? she gets half, she cheated on you therefore she deserves NOTHING

Doug · 09-20-2007, 03:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by THE KING

get rid of her, if she would do it once she would do it again, you cant risk that therefore kick her ass to the curb cause if you dont do it now and you get married and then break up guess what? she gets half, she cheated on you therefore she deserves NOTHING

THE KING · 09-20-2007, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doug

IT'S true you didnt know that if you get devorced you have to give your wife half your stuff? look it up, and tell me this if you get cheated on why should you give your husband/wife (in this case wife) ANYTHING? obiviously she doesnt respect you, otherwise she wouldnt have cheated so why give her anything???

LearningHusband · 09-21-2007, 09:43 AM

Are you so determined to have someone in your life that you're willing to pick the wrong person (who's shown you she's wrong by her actions, no less!!)?

And heaven help you if you marry her and bring kids into this nightmare of a relationship. If you want to do that to yourself, that's one thing, but please, if you end up marrying this woman, DON'T have kids with her. They don't need to be subjected to your poor judgement.

My ex appeared to be a bright, intelligent, fun loving woman while we dated and then married. Then pills got a hold of her and she turned our lives into a night mare. I only wish I had had a forewarning like you've had. Thankfully, I have our son and am raising him well, but I would never knowingly bring that upon a kid (or future kids).

Sometimes it's good to think about someone other than yourself to really put a situation into perspective.

LH
LH

Drum_ · 09-25-2007, 05:51 PM

Personally I could never trust a cheater. Even if I forgave I could never forget. Forgive her for your own peace of mind - but then be done with her and move on. Just my two cents.

Time2Surrender · 09-25-2007, 06:59 PM

I wont suggest staying with her or leaving her. Thats your decision. Try to stop dwelling on it. Give yourself time. Time heals all wounds.

hamihaha · 10-20-2007, 03:52 AM

Quote:

Personally I could never trust a cheater.

You don't believe in forgiveness?
At the beginning of a relation things are different than at the end.

Time2Surrender · 10-20-2007, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drum_

Personally I could never trust a cheater. Even if I forgave I could never forget. Forgive her for your own peace of mind - but then be done with her and move on. Just my two cents.

I have cheated on girlfriends and wives. It was a mistake. With all the lies, BS, scams, manipulating, cheating, stealing, and everything else I have done in the past, I guess nobody should ever trust me again either?

whittenboy · 11-09-2007, 10:27 AM

In health and in sickness
For better or for worse
What could be worse than being cheated on?
I wouldn't dump her if you truly are in love but I would do the counseling thing for sure.
Good luck!

juniordell49 · 11-14-2007, 03:57 PM

Recovery frum pain takes time and effort....Dosen't it say in the literature that nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake???? Also there is the FEAR factor........ Fear occurs mainly if I don't get what I want,,,,to lose what I have,,,,,,or if I'm going to be found out and my part is going to be acknowleged by others.It' been three yrs.since the lady I loved deeply died in her sleep due to an allergic reaction from medication.I am still screwed up on days.She is gone FOREVER........You still have options and a breathing individual to work things out with or to allow her to be her by letting go with dignity and forgiveness...Also ask urself do u have a part in the problem????? I promise u if u do you can find relief and a solution thru the steps.... GOOD LUCK...... J ROCK:comfort

mikesm193 · 12-26-2007, 08:10 AM

My wife cheated on me with another woman from the rooms and is now moving out, 14 years of marriage, 2 kids, a house and everything that goes with it. 2 woman in a program of honesty, they have told nobody. I am forcing her to leave because she won't end the relationship and I can not stand to see her. If she is a lesbian then she needs to move on, if she is doing this to fill some emotional void in her life as she says she is I still can't live in the same home with her. Bottom line cheating is cheating, man or woman, the funny thing is she is ending everything to be with a woman who is a cheater, how does she think it will end? I am a complete mess, I still love her dearly and know that raising the kids while I was at work was hard but her life is about to get a whole lot harder and I will not be able to be there for her. Feels good to ramble... Mike

09-19-2007, 11:44 AM	#1 (permalink)
quicksilver77 Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 2	Been cheated on. Not sure if this is the right forum or not but I will give it a try. About 3 months ago i found out that my girlfriend had cheated on me. She broke up with the guy about 2 weeks before I asked her to marry me. I don't know who else to reach out to but I have been to counseling and it seemed to help for a bit but now I seem to be digressing. I am constantly anxious. I have lost like 15 pounds since this happened which has dropped me to about 147 if you can believe that. I sit at work every day now for the past couple weeks and seem to be back in my old mood of anxiety and constant fast heartbeats. I think i am on a constant anxiety attack. Do any of you guys have any advice for me? We are still together and the relationship is very good. I will tell more if you guys care at all. I can't talk to my friends.

09-19-2007, 12:16 PM	#2 (permalink)
Astro Forum Leader Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family! Posts: 11,843	If you're still together and the relationship is good, I'd say you have hope. You said you've been to counseling but have you and your GF gone together or considered any kind of therapy? Have you seen a doctor or psychiatrist for the anxiety attacks? I had those in early sobriety, my ex had cheated and we were divorcing, a prescription med was a huge help for me. Are you involved in a recovery program or support group? Reaching out to others with similar issues might help you to deal with infidelity. What I've learned after a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships and addictions is that I've attracted what I've put out, so in looking at my past relationships I discovered that they all had unhealthy aspects. Being an alcoholic I thrived on the dysfunction and the drama. Going forward in sobriety I've sought healthier relationships, and therapy helps me to work on issues that I'm unable to see for myself. Keep asking questions. You'll find plenty of people who care on these forums. __________________ "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming---WOW-What a ride!"

11-09-2007, 10:27 AM	#14 (permalink)
whittenboy Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: On a Beach Some Where Posts: 103	In health and in sickness For better or for worse What could be worse than being cheated on? I wouldn't dump her if you truly are in love but I would do the counseling thing for sure. Good luck! __________________ Whittenboy "If You Don't Live, You Die"

11-14-2007, 03:57 PM	#15 (permalink)
juniordell49 jrock Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: fayettville,n.c. Posts: 4	Life after WHATEVER.... Recovery frum pain takes time and effort....Dosen't it say in the literature that nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake???? Also there is the FEAR factor........ Fear occurs mainly if I don't get what I want,,,,to lose what I have,,,,,,or if I'm going to be found out and my part is going to be acknowleged by others.It' been three yrs.since the lady I loved deeply died in her sleep due to an allergic reaction from medication.I am still screwed up on days.She is gone FOREVER........You still have options and a breathing individual to work things out with or to allow her to be her by letting go with dignity and forgiveness...Also ask urself do u have a part in the problem????? I promise u if u do you can find relief and a solution thru the steps.... GOOD LUCK...... J ROCK:comfort

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09-19-2007, 12:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
quicksilver77 Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 2	Thanks for the reply. We have not been to therapy together yet. The counseling helped in the earlier days but I am digressing i think. I guess I just let my mind go off in all directions and that brings on the anxiety. I have been on Anti-depressants before and they seemed to help a bit but the beginning stages were hell as my body got used to them. My father is a recovering alcoholic and my mother cheated on him as well. He is happy now but we are not close and never will be so I cannot go to him for help. I guess thats why I chose an internet forum to air my dirty laundry so to speak. Most of my friends (i think) do not understand why I am with her after all this. I explain it to myself in my mind that I love her very much and that if something was to happen in the future than I don't think i will be much more hurt than i was 3 months ago when I first found out. I just want to give myself a chance at happiness but I don't know if my mind will let me. I cannot find any local support groups or I would go as talking about it seems to help in some ways even though it brings up hurtful memories.

09-19-2007, 01:50 PM	#5 (permalink)
Peter Moderator Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Leaving Sparta Posts: 2,931	You both need to see a marriage counsellor. Your anxiety is caused from all the fears you now have from feeling betrayed and it is important that you both discuss your fears and expectations before entering into a permanent relationship. I too value faithfulness very highly in a relationship and I would die a thousand deaths were I to be in love with someone who I felt I could not trust.

09-19-2007, 10:43 PM	#6 (permalink)
THE KING Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 257	get rid of her, if she would do it once she would do it again, you cant risk that therefore kick her ass to the curb cause if you dont do it now and you get married and then break up guess what? she gets half, she cheated on you therefore she deserves NOTHING

09-21-2007, 09:43 AM	#9 (permalink)
LearningHusband Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: GA Posts: 49	Are you so determined to have someone in your life that you're willing to pick the wrong person (who's shown you she's wrong by her actions, no less!!)? And heaven help you if you marry her and bring kids into this nightmare of a relationship. If you want to do that to yourself, that's one thing, but please, if you end up marrying this woman, DON'T have kids with her. They don't need to be subjected to your poor judgement. My ex appeared to be a bright, intelligent, fun loving woman while we dated and then married. Then pills got a hold of her and she turned our lives into a night mare. I only wish I had had a forewarning like you've had. Thankfully, I have our son and am raising him well, but I would never knowingly bring that upon a kid (or future kids). Sometimes it's good to think about someone other than yourself to really put a situation into perspective. LH LH

09-25-2007, 05:51 PM	#10 (permalink)
Drum_ Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Chicago Posts: 12	Personally I could never trust a cheater. Even if I forgave I could never forget. Forgive her for your own peace of mind - but then be done with her and move on. Just my two cents.

09-25-2007, 06:59 PM	#11 (permalink)
Time2Surrender Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Washington State Posts: 7,263 Blog Entries: 7	I wont suggest staying with her or leaving her. Thats your decision. Try to stop dwelling on it. Give yourself time. Time heals all wounds.

12-26-2007, 08:10 AM	#16 (permalink)
mikesm193 Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 10	My wife cheated on me with another woman from the rooms and is now moving out, 14 years of marriage, 2 kids, a house and everything that goes with it. 2 woman in a program of honesty, they have told nobody. I am forcing her to leave because she won't end the relationship and I can not stand to see her. If she is a lesbian then she needs to move on, if she is doing this to fill some emotional void in her life as she says she is I still can't live in the same home with her. Bottom line cheating is cheating, man or woman, the funny thing is she is ending everything to be with a woman who is a cheater, how does she think it will end? I am a complete mess, I still love her dearly and know that raising the kids while I was at work was hard but her life is about to get a whole lot harder and I will not be able to be there for her. Feels good to ramble... Mike

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