Relationships..?!

[Hesh]

Hi everyone, i did a search on this topic & nothing came up, so i do apologise if i'm going over old ground.. What i'd like to know is, why is it always a bad idea to start a relationship with someone while being in recovery.. At the minute, i feel pretty damn low about myself in a totally worthless kinda way & it would be a huge ego/confidence boost if someone, anyone found me attractive in anyway..?! Thank you for taking the time to read my post..

[Astro]

Originally Posted by Hesh

At the minute, i feel pretty damn low about myself in a totally worthless kinda way & it would be a huge ego/confidence boost if someone, anyone found me attractive in anyway..?!

You hit it on the head there, Hesh. I've been going down this road for the last two years and I can't tell you how painful it can be to want or have a relationship with someone in early recovery. I've only got two years of sobriety and I still wonder how people with less than a year are able to date without relapsing or losing their sanity.

Here's what I've learned and understand. If you feel low and worthless throw that bait out into the sea of love and what you'll most likely catch is someone that feels the same way. Trust me, I spent the last two years throwing that kind of bait out and I caught exactly what I was trolling for, someone who filled some emotional needs for me and then admitted that she was only flirting and I developed some expectations from that. I guess I attracted exactly what I was projecting. Does that make sense?

Here's the flip side. The whole time I was trying to get this sick woman to notice me, there was a wonderful woman trying to get me to notice her, and she works a damn good recovery program in my opinion. When I finally pulled my head out of my @ss and started working on being a healthy, attractive partner we began to have a pretty darn good relationship. It's still hard work, but as the program teaches me "I'm a work in progress".

If you really want an ego/confidence boost and want someone to find you attractive, work on your recovery and they will find you. Nobody wanted me when I was low and worthless, why would they? It's true, when we learn to love ourselves other people will love us.

[Hesh]

Great reply Astro, thank you.. The thing is when you state to work on my recovery first, well that could take forever at the rate i'm going..

[Astro]

Forever is a long time, Hesh. Put as much effort into your recovery as you are into thinking about a relationship and the time will pass quickly;-)

I went to AA broken, hurting, and looking for a woman who'd find me attractive and love me back to health. Man, was I ever sick in that thinking. What I found was a program and friends who would love me, my higher power put people into my life as I needed them.

Be patient. My current way of thinking about relationships in early sobriety is that it's like holding a loaded gun to my head as well as aiming it at my partner. No thanks, I'll work on myself first.

[~Troy~]

In my opinion, there is no magical time frame when one is ready for a relationship. could be 1 month, 1 year, 10 years, whatever. People come into recovery already in relationships or married, so why is it taboo for a single newcomer?

On the other side of that coin....

Originally Posted by Hesh

i feel pretty damn low about myself in a totally worthless kinda way

If you aren't right within yourself, then how can you be right with someone else? Relationships can be addiction substitutes and just like alcohol, are a temporary fix to a problem or issue.

My advice would be that when you can say to yourself, with complete self honesty, "I feel pretty damn good about myself in a total worthwhile kinda way", then you are ready for a relationship, be it 1 week from now, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years.

[SaTiT]

It's just a matter of not putting the buggy in front of the horse
In earily reocvery there's a tearing down and building a foundation process.
And getting into a relationship without a strong foundation..you can
lose yourself again..bascially just substituting.
Or a relationship can be very distracting.

For me..being single when I first got sober was actaully
a blessing. I didn't have that extra pressure or responsiabilties.
But you know...I had a gradtitute problem..wasn't really
greatful for anything and didn't know what I have..
Actaully i had gooie substance shoting out of me everywhere being
only 22 at that time..Young ,dumb and full of *** and i couldn't
focus or think straight no matter how hard i tired.

Yes..yes I did it for the noogie. I chased noogie into recovery
and i didn't feel right for being single..and there's were always
women wanting to fix me..in or out of recovery. Being emotionally
unstable i can crawl into her eyes and stay there forever. Instead
of working on myself.

Like i said..i had a graditude problems becuase after i got the noogie
and got into a relationship i wish I was single again...
Ain't nothing like a woman that'll get ya to lock yourself in the bathroom
and just pray and pray for deal life..

Should had just dated, and kept on dating and didn't get into
a guilt trip. i didn't really learn how to master the juggling act
that will yet..like i said, i had a graditute problem..never relize
what i have or had.

There's no garantee in life.. a realtionship or being single..**** happens.
Be willing to learn and stay humble

Just don't pick up no matter what and stay plug in the
program..Yeah those basics...or the foundation.

if you're an alki or addict like me...recovery has to come first.

[mikel60]

Beware all ye who enter here - My first sponsor warned me about using AA as a dating service with the wise words, - "Reach into a bag of nuts and what do you pull out?"

[~Troy~]

I'm sure they say the same thing about us in the women's forum, mikel60.

[Gmoney]

Originally Posted by Hesh

What i'd like to know is, why is it always a bad idea to start a relationship with someone while being in recovery..

I never heard anything about it being a bad idea to "start a relationship" with someone while in recovery. I have heard numerous versions of why it's not a good idea to get involved in a "new" relationship in the first year of recovery, though. And specifically, they're talking about the romantic (male + female) type because we all know that the term "relationship" covers a very broad area.

I'm not so sure, but I doubt if the suggestion of avoiding a romantic relationship in the first year originated in 12 step programs. I believe it started in rehabs or treatment centers. Either way, most folks see it as a good suggestion because in the first year or so, people new to recovery are pretty unstable, fragile and confused. By getting involved in a new relationship, newcomers can easily become distracted from what they need to be doing for their own personal recovery and become engrossed in the object of their desire. In early recovery, our emotions can be all over the place and this can be dangerous.

In NA, there's a writing that says: "One of the biggest stumbling blocks to recovery seems to be placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves or others. Relationships can be a terribly painful area. We tend to fantasize and project what will happen. We get angry and resentful if our fantasies are not fulfilled. We forget that we are powerless over other people...We have to keep our recovery first and our priorities in order."

Staying focused on our recovery allows us the opportunity to do the "inside job" that makes us better people...healthier people. When we're healthier, we'll attract healthier people and we'll be better able to cope with the ups and downs of romance, love and sexual attraction. I agree with Troy...there's no magical time frame. I've seen newcomers get married to newcomers and stay together for years without relapse. Yet...I've also seen newcomers put their recovery on the back burner due to lust and trying to fill an emptiness with sex...and they relapsed. Sex can be just like a drug. Once the euphoria wears off, you're still left with yourself.

Whatever your decision is...remember that using isn't going to make it better. I tell my sponsees to always keep their recovery first.

[mikel60]

My earlier post notwithstanding, I met my wife in AA. We're married six years, happy, and have two wonderful kids. Just goes to show - ya never really know. We were both sober a few years when we met. Sober. Our sanity has yet to be determined.
Mike

[Ihatedrugs]

It makes me sad, very sad to consider I'll or even just think about having to attend AA over a year to stay clean. I'm only 21 like shhhit I dont want AA to turn into my life for the rest of my fkin life. I hear so many stoires of people still being happy about being clean and stuff which is great, but I mean my expectation for myselve is within a year being clean is 2nd nature

[~Troy~]

Well now, we're going off the relationship topic, but no need to be sad or concerned, Ihatedrugs.

Although I'm not a big fan of the AA cliche's, I'll have to throw one out here right about now. One day at a time. All that needs to be concerned with is today as far as recovery goes. That's what that phrase is there for at just about every meeting. Focus on today to be clean and sober with no corcern for tomarrow and tomarrow just might fall into place. I might drink or drug tomarrow, who knows, it's not beyond the realm of possibility, maybe even Sunday.....but since it's Friday, 3/4 of the day is gone, and I've been clean thus far, so in all probability, I'll finish the day sober. Now tomarrow on the other hand, I could use, but I'm not going to ruin the rest of my Friday thinking about it, I'll deal with Saturday on Saturday.

All we have in this program is today. All we have to be sober for is just today. Time, dates, length of sobriety, etc., is all just a bunch of one days strung together. The person with one week clean is on the same level as a person with 20 years clean. we're all just trying to get through today. That should not scare you though, yes those of us in long term recovery do have the urge to use lessened to a degree, but we are still clean just for today.

But believe me, I can completely understand exactly where you are coming from and the big picture view is a overwhelming thing thought in terms of "the rest of my life". I too got clean when I was 21, that's why I can say I feel exactly where you are coming from. Just focus on today and if that's too tough, get into tomarrow & next week, but please try to keep the grand picture out of it, for your own benefit at this time. For the record, I just turned 37, 15 1/2 years of one days at a time and all I have is just today.

[thisisme]

Originally Posted by Astro

It's true, when we learn to love ourselves other people will love us.

Pure gold.

[scaryclownguy]

My sponser said to me that we attract what we put out. Then he luaghed and asked what I had to offer

[Gmoney]

I recall a guy sharing at a meeting, "We should all be eager to work the steps in order to learn who we are. This way we'll know who we're introducing to others."

[applecider]

because u need to focus on yourself and yourself only in recovery.

[slash]

Ahhh...relationships....Here is my take.
First of all...though I appreciate and respect your feelings of wanting the "ego boost" - however, that right there is the answer to why you should not get into a relationship. We should be looking for ways to boost our self-esteem not our ego. And in my experience, we will never fill internal voids with external means. That is what we did with alcohol/drugs. Hollywood and society leaves us with an unrealistic perspective on romance and love. Lines like "You complete me" and cliches like "my better half" or "my other half" are self defeating and frankly BS. NO ONE can be completed by another. And IF one is a half a person, it is up to that individual to work on themselves until they are a whole individual on his/her own ( filling internal voids with internal means)- THEN imagine how incredible a relationship can be when 2 WHOLE inviduals come together!!! My theory is this..if we are seeking, reaching for something, that is an indication that we are lacking something, right? We should stop reaching outward and start reaching inward when this is the case because virtually anything you find externally will be only a temporary fix, a band-aid. When we stop feeling the urge to reach...those things that we sought generally come to us (including relationships)
One last thought - Consider this - recovery (particularly early recovery) is a time of rapid change. This being so, perhaps you meet someone you believe is perfect for you. Maybe this person IS perfect for you. BUT..if you are truly working your recovery, 3 months...6 months...a year down the road, you will be a different person....will that person still be perfect for you?? Likely not.
Good Luck!! I hope this helps a little...

[GlassPrisoner]

Did you see the total insanity I posted over the weekend ? (13th stepping ?)

That's a pretty good reason why not. I almost went out over a relationship that only existed in my head. I can't imagine what would have happened if we had been exchanging bodily fluids. I work a good program, and at 9 months I am not ready for a relationship.

[Twitch-j]

i don't think its a good idea... i myself am in a relationship and i don't really know if it will last much longer..

the problem is how irritable i get when i start to crave it... she says she understands and its not a problem but i can see that she is beginning to get annoyed by it...
it really is a problem when she wants to go out and do fun things but i'm craving and don't wanna do anything because everything seems annoying and frustrating..

another problem is my hostility... if i don't drink i get really mad for no reason sometimes.. alot of the time i feel like punching something... when i am craving a lot of the little things that she does that used to seem "cute" seem really annoying... i get pissed at her alot...

[On~Fire]

Almost a year ago i came into aa for the first time feeling those lows. I asked the same questions. Said i want someone in my life to make me feel better. Well since that time i have relapsed lost another job and just have not been doing things right. Well i am on day 3 now but i am not the same person i was coming into recovery the first time. I was low then and mopey and lethargic. Im in a totally different place now. I would be willing to give a relationship a shot considering it was with a person i felt was healthy. Im not rushing anything or even looking at this point but if it came along i believe that my relapse tought me enough to put my sobriety number one above anything else. But at this point i wouldnt pass a good thing up like i would have earlier because i had such low feelings, expectations and opinions of myself. Now a days if i start have those kind of thoughts, which do come, i back each one up immediatly with two positive things about myself. A little trick i learned off of these threads that works for me Good luck to you and i hope that you find that healthy someone out there for you who makes you want to become a better person. Although with or without someone you should be able to think highly of yourself, otherwise its just codependancy and though it momentarily feels good it will probably cause you to drink again. So work your program for you.