Sponsor Problems

[mrthirdeyeching]

I recently ran into a problem with my sponsor.

I was wanting to hand off my first step (N.A.) and called him up and asked him when was a good time.

He asked me to help him move into his new house and hang out for a bit and we'd go over the step.

Well I didn't feel like doing that so I came up with an excuse not to do that. I just didn't feel comfortable. So I said well maybe next weekend.

So I called him up the Wednesday before the next Saturday and asked him if Saturday was going to be good for him.

He, again, asked me to do something for him. He said, "come over and help paint my house. There's gonna be 5 or 6 of us over here and then we can go over the step."

Well, my girlfriend threw a fit. She's been in program for six years now and said, "hell no!! you need to stay home and paint our house!!"

Well, I felt like I needed to share about it. I called my sponsor, he said she was trying to control me. So, I went into a meeting and shared it there. Three people told me that my sponsor shouldn't be asking me to do anything.

So I talked to my higher power about it, and thought about it for a long time. I thought, "they're right, my sponsor shouldn't be doing that to me".

At first I was pissed off. I felt like I'd been duped by my sponsor. I called him up and left him a message and in a very polite way said, "I've got a few people telling me that you shouldn't be asking me to do anything for you. I don't feel comfortable working it like that and maybe when you don't have anything else going on we can go over the step one-on-one without any distractions."

So he calls me back and I felt like he was being kind of confrontational about it. So I just let it go and said I don't feel comfortable working it like that and left it at that.

This isn't resolved yet and I feel like I should tell him the truth about how I don't think it was cool that he was trying to work me for free labor.

I haven't talked to him in about two weeks because I'm not sure I trust myself not to take his inventory.

Any suggestions on this would be much appreciated and much apologies for the lengthy post.

[mjs]

See my post under why people hate aa......try something like calling him back and tell him that you want to paint his house by yourself and for him to call you when the paint is all mixed and ready to go...when he calls then tell him that really sorry but I had a spell of temporary insanity where I was in a psychological gulag and you were the warden. Or when you do your first step tell him that aliens abducted you, cut your head off and then surgically replaced it...and watch his reaction

[Peter]

A sponsor exists primarily to help you work your Steps.

You obviously do not feel comfortable enough in the relationship to be helping this guy paint his house and you are entitled to that but you need to sit down privately with your sponsor and explain that to him.You do not have to be manipulative or malicious.

I personally have a wonderful relationships with my sponsors but it took months and perhaps years to develop. I would not hesitate to help my sponsor paint his house and I know he would do the same for me.

Moving house can be a difficult thing and your sponsor may be a little proccupied with it at the moment. He may have fallen behind on his sponsorship duties but that does not necessarily mean he is a bad sponsor.

You both need to talk it out and be honest with each other.

If after your discussion with him you still feel your sponsor might be using you, then you may have to think about finding a new sponsor.

[Time2Surrender]

Powder Springs huh? Bankhead Hwy? I used to live in Douglasville. I miss Hudson's. No good BBQ out here. Anyway, welcome to SoberRecovery. Peter had some good advice.

[noprob]

A sponsor exists primarily to help you work your Steps.

I agree with this statement by Peter.

The anology is like unto a mine detector operator.
You have a choice to follow the guy that leads a safe way through the mine field or go it alone.

I also look for the quality of recovery (bright face clear eyes spirituallity) in a member should I be looking for a sponser,something I would want to have instead of the alternative.

[mrthirdeyeching]

Thanks for your responses everyone.

I finally got up the guts to call up my sponsor and tell him how I felt about the whole situation. He didn't like what I had to say. Which was basicly, "Every time I called you and wanted to go over my first step, it seems like you were asking me to do something for you."

He said that he's not here to baby sit me and he's been in the program 15 years and this is how it works I need to come to him etc. etc. etc. Which I basicly agree with and I already knew and was coming to him, but at the same time, I didn't feel comfortable being his slave. So, in the big scheme of all this I've learned an important lesson... be honest with my sponsor from the start.

I've decided to move on, and hopefully I won't have to learn this lesson more than once.

[Doug]

Sounds like this one just wasn't meant to be. Good for you for being open and up front with him about your feelings, and if he has/had any problem with it, then that's his problem. Good job moving on too, you did what's right for you.

Welcome to SR too BTW.

[SaTiT]

My sponsor had never asked me to mow his freaken yard or wash his car.
He might suggest that i mow my yard and wash my car.

A very important lesson. Some gay with a lot of years,
went round and round trying to manipulate me into selling
my motorcycle to him for $200...using program talk.
Willing to go to any length, twisted. As if i never played
mind spin games before, while i was using.
Tweaking...tweaking.lol

Wft ???...I'm an addict, I'm not stupid.
Arss wipes tring to take avantage of me when I was mental and
emotionally vulnerable

I don't have a probelm steering other newbies away from that sob.
Other old timers knows about his BS.
F-that dude...I don't have a problem exposing his BS.
I don't confuse it with anonymity either.
And I share my ESH in meetings openly especailly, when he attends.
He dosn't have to like me, I'm not there to baby sit his arss either.

A spiritaul awakening is also known as plain old commonsense.
Being spiritual is not being spineless.

[JoeGenest]

Remember when reading all these suggestions, that resentments get us no where. And, it is okay to not be comfortable with something. Then, it is our part to be clean about it. "I am not comfortable discussing my First Step with you while helping you with your house chores. Is there a time when we can meet specifically to discuss my work?" Period. No apologies, no excuses, no further explanations. Hard work - surely. But, good practice for being clean about what we need and want.

Another piece is about sponsorship and the ego. I always believe that a sponsor should have a sponsor, be working the steps, have a home-group and be active in service. We sponsor folks because we want to stay sober - not because we're therapists or doing anyone a favor. If anyone is bragging about their 15 years of sobriety and going on about "how this is done" - I would be concerned that the ego is perhaps getting in the way of the message. I'm trying not to judge here - but trying to focus on the message of hope and example. Our primary purpose as recovering addicts is to be available to help the other addict.

Finally, really want to again focus on staying out of resentment and judgment. I too have had many "learning experiences" with sponsors - it is one of the great gifts of recovery. In recovery, we get to practice within the walls of the program the act of being in relationship with another human being. And that, unfortunately, is never easy. So, be gentle with yourself. Don't fret much about what he thinks, you think,etc. Just focus on the goal - working the steps with someone who works the steps and practices sobriety in their life.

J

[mrthirdeyeching]

Got another sponsor finally. Thanks everyone for your suggestions!!

[CAS116]

Firat things first, rely upon your own judgment. There will come a time when you will, by force of circumstance, do just that.

One will not learn to make to make good judgments by relying upon a sponsor to make them for you.

Is one a child? Or, is one an adult?

[Gmoney]

Glad you had the courage to seek a new sponsor and to stand up for yourself. I believe that sometimes we can get caught up in "wanting what others have" and not really know what that is. I tend to never make excuses for people and I prefer to allow them the opportunity to be upfront with me, because I'm that way (upfront).

What would have been more appropriate (for me), would be that when I told the sponsor I was ready and he asked me to come by to help do chores - I would have told him that I'm not willing to do it and then I'd ask when would be a better time. If the sponsor continued to suggest that I do chores in order for him to provide guidance, I'd immediately inform them that I'll be looking for a new sponsor. Thanks, but no thanks.

I've met members who have brought the same sick-minded games, they played before recovery, right into the rooms. It's sad and unfortunate, but it happens...and it's even sadder that there are those who'll fall into these kind of traps. We have to remember that everyone in the rooms aren't on the same level - regardless of clean time. Some of us are sicker than others.

I'm not painting anyone's house and I wouldn't ask them to paint mine.

[mikel60]

I dunno - Maybe the guy just wanted to include you in some actvities in order to help a newcomer meet people. Just a thought.
Mike

[~Troy~]

Maybe he was pulling a Mr. Miagi (or however you spell that guy's name) with the wax on/wax off/paint fence thing. Big picture motives and such applying to something deeper, as mikel60 mentioned.

But seriously, we as alcoholics/addicts tend to lean towards the negative thought side on things and develope a conspiracy theory. Don't get me wrong, there are those out there in this program that will take advantage, but the ones that don't by far outweigh them 10 fold. You never know untill you are at that point and always can refuse, just no need to jump the gun.

On the positive thought side, I know for me, I lead a fairly busy & active life. I have never asked a sponsee or other to help with tasks outright. There have been times when I've got the "need to talk" call and have been wrapped up in things that have needed to get done. My response always was, "sure, come on over, but I am in the middle of something, so as long as you don't mind that I continue while we talk, it's no problem".

[scaryclownguy]

Ive seen people with 15 days that have more spirituality than someone with 15 years. I have to remember that it takes all kinds, And I have heard that "The reason this program works is that we're not all sick on the same day."

I am only responsible for my side of the street and if something makes me unconfortable then I need to look at it and find the solution

[dalin]

awesome stuff.
remember too tho,everyone has diferant sponsorship styles based on there experience.
his style didnt work for you.
It did work for his other sponsees,cuz they are still clean.
I lived in Cartersville for years.
still live part time in Smryrna with a sponsee brother that has 33 years clean.