Urges

[primelegend]

I am new to this website. I am 22 and in recovery. I went to a long term inpatient treatment center called Samaritan Village last year 12/12/05 and came out at the end of July 06. After I completed the program and came out, it took only two weeks to relapse on weed, then followed coke...okay cra... and u finish the rest of the word. I hit a worse low then I did before. I started a new job and would do it on the weekends. But once again I betrayed my family and they knew exactly what I was upto. I would spend all my money on it and then beg my self to stop after it was all gone. Then I would stop my self the most like 2 weeks and fall all over again. UNTIL one day I did so much that I spent couple hundred dollars and while under the influence called my sister so that she could help me come home inorder for my dad not to flip out on me... She ended up telling him the deal of what was going on and that i was under the influence. Then I still had some on me so I did everything I can to goto the bathroom and said i was feeling sick and would do it right in the bathroom while my dad was all upset and going a little crazy... Then I even said I wanted to goto hospital because i wasnt feeling good just to use their bathroom because my dad and sis figured out what I was doing. So they caught on and forced me into throwing out whatever I had in my pocket in the garbage.. This was about 2 months ago or so and I havent touched anything ever since because it was so humiliating to me the whole ordeal of me not being my self and not being able to control my self at all.. I looked horrible like a demon had taken over my soul...which in fact he had. But now time is coming where my mind is telling me I can maybe smoke some weed and it will be okay because its just once and I am in control of everything. I have money in the bank... working...have trust again slightly. Have not messed up at all really since. And im starting to feel more and more nervous like an anticipation feeling... I dont know but I am afraid of a relapse. I dont goto NA meetings or anything when I know I should but my father wouldnt really understand what it is about since I will be around other addicts whether they are in recovery or not in his eyes its the same. So thats why I am writing this right now. I wonder if anyone will read this and get back to me. Maybe it will help me out. It feels kind of good to let it all out. I dont go out at all... Dont have any social circle.. Just work and come home everyday and on weekends try to keep my self busy... One minute of idle time feels like 1 hour of thinking about just doing it one more time... Even as I type this I feel anticipation and just need some assistance...even if its just online... Thank you

[gimmeid]

Bud, that drug is in control. Calling the shots, your going along for the ride whether you like it or not. Seeing and accepting that for yourself is a step in the right direction. But any action you take in the right directions gonna have to be for you. Seeking out people who have successfully overcome a difficulty you are in the middle of, like your doing here, is a damn wise thing to do, no matter how you think the old man might see it. And if you think he'd have much cause looking down his nose at you for getting help where help is, how much worse you keep going down?

In the months before I was relieved of my alcoholic obsession, I was driving home in the middle of a job and locking my door in terror the mental stuff was so bad. Would walk out of the house to go do anything like the whole world was looking at me through a magnifying glass, and the devil was about to take me over like the ocean crashing down.

Had to figure how to hold my tongue in my mouth just right to make it a while, and sooner or later, lost my groove, everything came crashing back in on me.
Obsession, compulsion. I am free today from these things, but I had to be whooped enough to cry uncle.
Easy for me to say from where I sit, but but Hang in there.
Someone will be along with more personal experience on where your coming from.

[ayla zaire]

you are very brave to come here and admit your problems...

you should find help, go to a meeting, doctor or an addiction counsellor.......do everything you can to prevent relapse....tell your family, make yourself accountable...rat yourself out......do anything you can to stop it while you are still capable of making decisions....

good luck...

hugs
ayla

[primelegend]

wow thanks guys. You made me feel alot better. Im giving it all I have to stay clean because I know the right path is there for me to follow and that the devil will always tempt me to go the wrong way.

[gimmeid]

I seen you online here again today, wanna point out, head over to the NA board, folks to talk to, about meetings and your situation. Devil doesn't have to tempt you nothin, already got you. Don't screw around with this.