Guys-Need opinions-Nephew moved in with us??

[scratchy]

OK here goes. I'm a alcoholic..been in recovery for about 6 years. Have two sons, one 20 lives with his girlfriend, the other just turned 18 and will graduate h.s. this year then off to technical/vocational school. Anyway my wife's brothers son is 17; will be 18 in March. He was living on the streets and with friends in another town. His dad kicked him out, then moved, because of the kids behavior, not going to school, stealing, dope use, threatening to kill his parents, etc.etc.etc.

Anyway the kid was sleeping in an old abandoned school in this other town with his friends. He lies all the time etc.etc.
Anyway a week before christmas his dad calls my wife and say's the kid is coming by us to stay for a week until he can pick him up. When he picks him up they get in a huge verbal fight and the kid takes off out of the car at a gas station when they stop for gas. Anyway the kid ends up back here. Our local High Schools wont take him (not that he would go anyway), because of his history and the fact that he turns 18 in two months. He finished a total of about two years of high school so he would need two more years to graduate, which would make him 20 years old.

I've instructed him he has to get a job NOW! Course he fills out applications like he was a 10 year old, and nobody that I know will hire him. He refused for about two weeks to apply at fast food restaurants, like he is too good for that. Yesterday I gave him a ride to pick one up from Mcdonalds, and one from burger king. (I should have made him walk to get them-there's my enabling again!)

He has been in and out of counseling when he was younger for about four years. Counselors basically said he is doing best he can for the situation he was in. (His dad attempted suicide, and his step-mom wont have anything to do with him)

He is not using in my house(As far as I can tell yet), and basically just eats, sits on computer, and wont do much of anything. He will offer to help around the house, which is good, but has no drive to improve himself at all.

The reason I post this is to just bring up the fact that I am putting together a list of what he must do to continue to stay here, or I kick him out. Without enabling, my list so far is have a full time job (minimum of 32 hours per week) no later then March 1st, pay his civil fine from the other town (for disorderly conduct) within 90 days of getting his job, and pay some rent, if he continues to stay here, after the job starts. Basically when he is 18, if he doesnt have a job, I say he leaves. My wife on the other hand wants to give him more of a chance (longer time period) What are your thoughts? Thanks Soberbob/scratchy

[Getoverit]

Hello Scratchy...........I don't have any idea what it took YOU to get sober, but, I'll bet you a buck it had something to do with CONSEQUENCES...???? T make a long story short, you've already admitted that you are an enabler, AND you already have HIS excuses for his behaviour (dad attempted suicide/step mom rejection etc.) etched in YOUR head. Tell me Scratchy - what do YOU really think you should do??????? Throw him out - Save yourself - It's never too late for TOUGH LOVE!!!
Hope this helps - YOU

[LocoLogan]

Wow Getoverit was very blunt, but I guess you should be. If you think nothing good is going to come from this situation then I would throw him out before you give him a chance to screw up. Other than people can change, and it sounds like he is need of a good change, but he might not be looking for one, or be ready yet. I myself also being and enabler would give him a two more weeks to see how the job search goes. If nothing stems from that and no improvement is shown. Then I think it would be in your best interest to get him out of the house. Just my .02

[kojac]

Personally,I'd took advantage of a lots of people and family in the mist of my active addiction no matter how great the pain were; or no matter how much the threats;nor the many promises of what they feel they needed to do (putting me out). In my own stupidity I honestly believed that this might had been the ideal situation for me.....being out in the streets. But the reality of it all didn't set in until I were in the streets;for real,for real on account of me simply not being " responsiable " and being accountable for the mess I hand made of my own self-seeking attitude and destructive behaviour. This then is when reality really sinked in for me.......The pain of drugging and making foolish decisions really came to its head. And, I realized it was time for me to deal with this wrecked and self-prisoned life I'd made for " myself ". And it was only then that I were wholeheartly seeking, asking and willing to allow help to help me. I than understood even at the age of 46 that I didn't know what was best for me; and, that I didn't honestly "know" how to live. So with my family "turning there backs" on me; and allowing God to have His way with me was the best thing that had happened for me. So in our sharing with this I pray God grant you wisdom......seloth@. tfs

[scratchy]

Yep thanks you two for responses. He is the laziest dude I have ever seen! Anyway, he of course thinks the whole world is against him. I got him cutting down cardboard now (so the garbage guys will take it) He works on it for about 8 minutes, then takes a break??? Geez if I worked like that I'd make about 29 cents per hour!!

Ah I know he is just a kid! Course I was brought up on a farm, then spent 20 years on Active Duty Air Force, so I tend to look at things kind of black and white.

He keeps bringing up my son to me...because my son has priveledges...because he is doing well in school, works and is very mature. My nephew just doesnt get it!!!

Why do I get put into these type of situations???? Later and stay sober!!!

[scratchy]

Originally Posted by kojac

Personally,I'd took advantage of a lots of people and family in the mist of my active addiction no matter how great the pain were; or no matter how much the threats;nor the many promises of what they feel they needed to do (putting me out). In my own stupidity I honestly believed that this might had been the ideal situation for me.....being ut in the streets. But the reality of it all didn't set in until I were in the streets;for real,for real on account of me simply not being " responsiable " and being accountable for the mess I hand made of my own self-seeking attitude and destructive behaviour. This then is when reality really sinked in for me.......The pain of drugging and making foolish decisions really came to its head. And, I realized it was time for me to deal with this wrecked and self prison life I'd made for " myself ". And it was only then that I were wholeheartly seeking, asking and willing to allow help to help me. I than understood even at the age of 46 that I didn't know what was best for me; and that I didn't honestly "know" how to live. So with my family "turning there backs" on me; and allowing God for to have His way with me was the best thing that have happened for me. So with this I pray God grant you wisdom......seloth@. tfs

Hey man is Decatour Ga., anywhere near dalton Georgia? I'm moving to Cleveland Tn area (By Dalton Georgia) later this year and was just wondering if we would be neighbors?

Congrats on picking yourself up!! I respect you for that.

[scratchy]

I need more responses/opinions. I'm getting close to giving him the boot here. I'll probably give him two weeks to see what happens about the job app's, but he wont even cut down cardboard boxes. Ah we will see how this turns out!!!

Later

[Getoverit]

Hey there.........I'm back.. I guess I was a bit blunt, but you know , we all do have an "intuitive sense" of what we need to do, we just choose to ignore it sometimes, and being addicts, usually to our own detrament. Sure, I want to help every body too, I want to make you better, fix your problems. It's so much easier to see what YOU need, that is part of the disease, isn't it!!?? I need to remember that MY recovery is the MOST important thing to ME. " I love you, but not THAT much "........ Good luck!!

[Getoverit]

Scratchy - Have you talked to your sponsor about this??

[scratchy]

Have I talked to sponsor? Yep, and a couple of friends of mine in recovery who work with kids. Response is get him out!

I know thats correct. Now lets see what happens next?....

Thanks everyone for your help, and you are right sometimes we all have to be reminded about how we like to help everyone else...except ourselves.

Thanks again and keep those responses coming. Soberbob

[best]

My nephew now lives here.
His mother still enables from afar. (give him money all the time)

Why work when mom gives money?

When he first moved in (past history of some pot smoking and drinking)

Rule #1 Drug use or drugs of any kind...Your out.

Rule #2 Underage for drinking...any drinking ..Your out. When he reaches drinking age, my house is not a bar room hang out. Same rules as my sons get. Every so often, not every day it is allowed.


Rule #3... yet to be made.

Encouage him to get a job. Encourage *strong suggestions* when his room starts to look a mess that he needs keep it clean.

He helps out when asked and I try to encourage him to help out before being asked. I balance out things to suggestions and encouragements because of past ways he was told to do things. (demands and lots of yelling) I would rather see him learn why things are done then need give him a list of what should be done daily.

[scratchy]

Originally Posted by best

My nephew now lives here.
His mother still enables from afar. (give him money all the time)

Why work when mom gives money?

When he first moved in (past history of some pot smoking and drinking)

Rule #1 Drug use or drugs of any kind...Your out.

Rule #2 Underage for drinking...any drinking ..Your out. When he reaches drinking age, my house is not a bar room hang out. Same rules as my sons get. Every so often, not every day it is allowed.


Rule #3... yet to be made.

Encouage him to get a job. Encourage *strong suggestions* when his room starts to look a mess that he needs keep it clean.

He helps out when asked and I try to encourage him to help out before being asked. I balance out things to suggestions and encouragements because of past ways he was told to do things. (demands and lots of yelling) I would rather see him learn why things are done then need give him a list of what should be done daily.

Can I ask how old your nephew is? I see your suggestiong encouragement more so then laying the law down is that correct? I know, its my decision, I'm just looking for others opinions. Thanks Bob

[scratchy]

Well, just realized he cant get a job because he cant get a work permit. He is 17, and not in school (Not going) So basically he legally can not work until he is 18. Geez thats 2 months away. Oh no sitting on his butt playing video games for two months????

[best]

Originally Posted by scratchy

I see your suggestiong encouragement more so then laying the law down is that correct?

He finished highschool (GED) and is 19 now.
Encouragement as in showing him proper actions from an adult figurehead and letting him make choices. My rules (boundries) are what I will not tolerate at all.
The laying down the law... You make a mess, you clean it. Help when asked and I will not ask him to do anything I won't do myself. I will push the lawnmower and he will gather dog toys and lawn furniture so they don't get run over.
"We" will shovel snow. I won't shovel so he can use my driveway...He must help.
Stay awake all night playing video games...fine but if we have something planned to do that he knew about, he gets woken up all the same.
I accept him in as if he was my own son. He is part of the family and will be asked to help out the same as any other member.
The kid is a hard worker. He and I filled a 15 yard dumpster together.
His reward (other then the work itself) Praise, acceptance, "respect"... three things he was not getting before.

A leader/mentor type relationship vs the dictator, do as you are told or else relationship with adults he came from.

[best]

As for highschool vs a GED. As you may well know, the Airforce accepts only a diploma now. No more GEDs. Some colleges won't accept a GED till you have at least a year at a local college with a proven grade.
In our area...the troubled students that the highschool won't let back in can go to night school. Untill age 18 it is required that they let you into school. Untill age 22, you are able to take the night school classes (with rules held). Night school takes a year longer so he may be looking at 2 1/2-3 years. GED is available after age 18 but does limit some choices in the future.
My nephew's mother is encouraging him to go to school. She will pay, he just needs go.

[scratchy]

Originally Posted by best

He finished highschool (GED) and is 19 now.
Encouragement as in showing him proper actions from an adult figurehead and letting him make choices. My rules (boundries) are what I will not tolerate at all.
The laying down the law... You make a mess, you clean it. Help when asked and I will not ask him to do anything I won't do myself. I will push the lawnmower and he will gather dog toys and lawn furniture so they don't get run over.
"We" will shovel snow. I won't shovel so he can use my driveway...He must help.
Stay awake all night playing video games...fine but if we have something planned to do that he knew about, he gets woken up all the same.
I accept him in as if he was my own son. He is part of the family and will be asked to help out the same as any other member.
The kid is a hard worker. He and I filled a 15 yard dumpster together.
His reward (other then the work itself) Praise, acceptance, "respect"... three things he was not getting before.

A leader/mentor type relationship vs the dictator, do as you are told or else relationship with adults he came from.

OK I get your point and I understand. I've worked with younger people for over 30 years now. this one is a little bigger challenge as he hasnt hit rock bottom yet. He will, and that will probably teach him much more then any adult can. For now I will see what he can do, and what he is willing to do, but bottom line is it's all up to him...not me! Thank-You for your opinion.

[best]

An after thought....
Structured military (rules and regulations) with a nice CO vs boot camp.
My nephew came from an environment where the adult male role model was like a drill sarg at a marine boot camp. I would like to see myself as the nice CO.
Do what needs be done, follow the rules and you can do what ever you like between or after.
Structure gives them guidance.

[scratchy]

Well, just so you all know...here is what I have done.

I hired him to help me out in my business. He will be with me doing what I do, and learning. He will also handle my office phone, some paper-work, and some computer work (with strong supervision).

I pay him (under the table, and only a very little money) 1/2 of his 2 week pay goes toward his fine, 25% goes back to me for rent, and he gets the other 25%. After the fine is paid off 50% goes to him, 50% to us for rent. Once he is 18 if he is doing a good job he could get hired by me legally (as he will be able to work without a work permit).

Anyway, I work with businesses so you have to portray a professional attitude and come across as a professional. So yesterday he agreed and got his hair-cut, short! Doesnt wear the earing (while working) and dresses appropriately. (I helped him financially with the clothes needed)

Anyway, he will work about 20 hours per week, and we will see which rode he chooses. Thanks to all

[lostmdboy]

I think you are doing the right thing giving him this chance. If it works out I would be willing to bet that he will look back at this time as the one that set him on the right path.