Relationship Advice

[BlakFlagg]

Hey guys. I'm Josh, and i'm an alcoholic. This is my first post and my sobriety date 1-20-06.

I want to describe my life over the last few months, and God-willing, leave nothing out to get your feedback and comments. I'm really struggling with a relationship that recently ended. My MIND knows what to do, etc, but my heart is having time adjusting.

Fall of 2005 I had been separated from my wife (5yrs, 2 children) since July. A business partner (an AA) wanted me to interview a potential employee (also an AA). We met at a local coffee shop and the interviewee walked in (beautiful female) and I instantly fell in love. I'm being as serious about this as I can be. Not with appearance, but with her spirit as well. We had our interview and she and I stayed and talked for an extra 2 hours. It was the most wonderful conversation I had ever enjoyed. She told me that she was 6 months sober and described some of her experience strength and hope. I was still in active addiction at the time, but even I didn't really realize it.

We worked together and talked for the next couple of months. I got up the nerve to call her at home just to talk. Eventually, after drinking one night I called to ask her out. She said no because I was still married. She had no idea I had been drinking. During the month of January, our relationship grew closer and closer, but she still would not allow herself to commit to a married man. My wife would not sign divorce papers, so I was stuck. On January 19th, 2005 I talked with Meg (the girl) and she told me that she could no longer talk to me. It was not spiritually beneficial to her and it went against her program. I had no understanding of this at the time. I got mad and resorted to my normal way of handling things. I drank at the problem. After a night of terrible consequences, I was on my way home in a blackout. I was talking with Meg and had a wreck. I asked her to come get me, and she did.

I was found out! Surprise to everyone, I'm a drunk. I (unknowingly) took the first step and agreed to go to my first meeting. Meg informed me that she could not speak to me any more. It would endanger her sobriety and I agreed. I did 90 meetings in 90 days (without asking for my misery to be refunded). Meg and I had little contact and it was very lonely. Especially with out my friend, Mr. Miller Beer. After being spurned, I needed to fill a void and I turned to my wife. We "tried" to work on things for about a month. Several months later, I found out that she had become pregnant from that encounter, which I will explain later.

Afte some time had passed, she allowed me back into her life. Before we realize it in Spring of 06, we're in love and in a relationship. We travelled and spent a ton of time together. I was as happy as I had ever been. This is when I find out my wife is pregnant. The divorce, which was finally going through had been cancelled. I told Meg, and she took it badly, but agreed to stay with me and work on our relationship. After a couple of months, things were back to normal with Meg and I. I was expecting a son, and the divorce would be final soon after his birth.

To shorten this story, after my son was born, Meg decided she couldn't handle the fact that my son had been conceived during the time we knew one another. She couldn't handle me being married anymore. She couldn't handle a guy with three children. She wanted out.

That was in late October and I still have not gotten over this. I'm sure most of you can see a pattern of my sickness. We both disregarded the advice to not date within the first year. I disregarded moral and temporal law with dating in spite of being married. In the beginning, I basically forced Meg and I into a relationship. It worked for a while, but the work of man crumbled.

During our relationship I worked on my program very little...and neither did she. From the outside looking in, I know this was the right thing, but I'm hurt...and just looking to talk about this. I'm not looking for advice to supercede my sponsor. I just needed to talk about this with some other sober people.

Any input is welcome. Call me out on anything that I've said. I tried to not omit any details, but tried to make it as short as possible. Part of my disease is shutting off from others when I'm hurt, and I'm trying to get over that. It's already helped just to write it all out.

[Astro]

Josh, congratulations on your sobriety and I'm glad you're posting on SR. I'm sure it felt good to tell that part of your story, and I'm also sure that you're very hurt.

If I could offer you anything as another single father in sobriety, it's to accept that God has a purpose for you in life and a maybe a companion for you in the future, but right now is probably not the time. Try to focus on being the best father you can be to your children, work your program to the rest of your ability, and let your higher power lead you in your relationships.

I'm coming up on 2 years sober, and have been divorced for just over a year. In the last 1 1/2 years I've formed some wonderful friendships with women in recovery, and one of those women is my closest friend. A few weeks ago we talked about taking our relationship to the next level, and apparently just the thought of it drove her away. I can't begin to tell you how much I've been hurting over that, but it's opened my eyes to the fact that I need to accept that God's plan and my plan aren't necessarily the same, and I do find some comfort in letting go & letting God. I've also found that if I let go and open myself up to other possibilities, some pretty incredible doors are opened up in my life.

My dream woman, who I pushed away a couple weeks ago always reminded me of these two things: "Don't push the river", and "The universe keeps moving, and I need to move along with it". Simple words to live by.

Take care of yourself. I hope your hurting doesn't last long.

Scott

[Astro]

BTW Josh, two sickies don't make a wellie;-) If partners are in recovery, I feel it's pretty imperative that they're both working a good program, rather than depending on the other as their higher power.

I may be fantasizing, but I think dating someone in recovery could be pretty good IF both partners continue to work a good program, and have a strong awareness of their disease.

[501]

Well Josh,

I don't have any advice or solutions. Recovery can be a roller coaster. With me,
Its that damn "self will run riot" that kicks my ass most of the time. I want what I want and I want it now! My wife suffers from bipolar and is having a rough time. She has isolated herself from the world. My therapist insists I must continue to have a life but as always, advice is sometimes hard to implement.
I feel guilty when I go some where to get away and i feel anger when I stay home. But I am making progress. I played golf with some guys from work today and I am playing with friends tomorrow. My self wants my wife to not be ill, but reality is she is ill and I must deal with it as best as i can. This doesn't make much sense I know but I feel better. I am new here to. Got sober in dec. 2002.
Had one relapse so my sobriety date is 8/20/05. Hope to see you around and congrtas on that baby boy.

[BlakFlagg]

Thanks for the comments guys. 501, I agree with where you're coming from.

I felt that this was a completely selfish act on her part...and told her (did not practice restraint of pen and tongue on that one). She agreed. Where I agree with you, 501, is in the fact that we want to fix these significant others.

In may case, I want to fix her to feel more comfortable with me. I'm sure that we could agree that's what motivates each of us. So I'm in the same boat with self-will run riot.

Josh