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Old 08-11-2017, 06:44 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Thank you lynnmarie

I am glad I am sticking with it too, it just feels overwhelming at times.

I needed to hear this: Detox is going to take you all over the place. Lots of different emotions and feelings. Expect it and accept it. It will get better.

After I posted, I was trying to resize a picture to post as my fb profile and I started getting really frustrated, then I basically raged out, over a fb profile pic *eye roll*...thank goodness my cats were my only witnesses. Then I took a warm shower, to calm down. I felt significantly better afterwards. I think I needed to let it out, this pent up frustration. I'm not sure why but I feel so much more in control after this, and less anxious, more clear. Maybe I needed this to shake me out of the fear I was stuck in.

And, just yesterday I felt another wave of anxiety hitting me. I told myself "you are not powerless here. You aren't going to be pulled along for this ride helplessly. You know what to do." Then I went in the bedroom I was staying in, and did all the breathing etc. that normally calms me down. I got control of my head.

I am home today, and returned last night. This morning was really hard but I started forcing myself to do normal things like the dishes and cleaning around a bit. I also watched a movie. I seems to have helped.

As far as staying hydrated, I've been so thirsty these past few days. Did you also experience a lot of thirst?
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Old 08-11-2017, 07:09 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Dee, thank you

I am so disappointed with myself because I led myself here. I am sad that I did this to myself. Now I have to suffer through this because of the bad choices I made.

I am overweight too, and it's because of me losing control and munching out while high all the time. I was soothing a lot of trauma but I went about it the wrong, hurtful way. I hurt myself more.

I feel I have such a long way to go to be healthy again, and I'm just trying to stay hopeful. I'm thankful for the chance to be healthy, I am feeling overwhelmed by the path ahead. I know I need to change my thinking in order to be successful, but the negative though patterns are SO strong.

I don't want to give up, and I need to believe in myself and that I have the strength I need. About 5 years ago, I watched my mother die from cancer. She didn't try at all to save herself, she totally gave up when she was diagnosed. She was severely depressed all of my life and gave up in so many ways before that. My father lives in a group home, I haven't seen him or talked to him since I was about 8, but I am in touch with his sister. He used drugs and drank, and never moved out of his mother's basement, until she became senile recently, and he was violent.

I am in my early 30's and am already doing a lot better then my examples. I have a good job and my own apartment right outside of a major city, but I still have so much to overcome. I am so afraid to be anything like them and this experience makes me feel like a **** up and shows me how deep my pain really is. I dated an awful man for 10 years, another disappointment to myself, and ended that almost 4 years ago. I know I am making progress, but I need to stay hopeful and believe that I really can be well and am not irreparable.
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Old 08-11-2017, 07:21 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I also thought weed was this harmless miracle drug. I actually thought at one point that I would smoke it everyday for the rest of my life. I must be crazy! I compared it to coffee, something that just takes the edge off a bit. I was really deluded. I was an advocate for weed, and had perfected my "weed game" so that I never ran out. It was the highlight of my life. Everyday when I got home from work, it's the first thing I did. I had it right on my table, in a place of prominence because it was that close to me. I am always the one with herb, when I hang out with friends.

But deep inside I knew something wasn't right. But I was able to push those thoughts away and dismiss them quickly, with the help of another toke. It's hard to accept that I tricked myself intentionally to protect my habit, to stay in my bubble of "almost reality".
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Old 08-11-2017, 07:39 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Yes, I think thirst is a symptom of detox; the body is trying to get rid of the poison. Same thing with sweating. My night sweats were awful at first.

It can be so discouraging when you've let yourself go and have gotten to an unhealthy state. I gained 30 lbs during my last 6 month relapse! All I did was get stoned, eat and sleep it seemed. I was very down on myself.
But empowerment is uplifting. Taking the best care of yourself is uplifting. Just do your best and try not to let the negative feelings take over. Hard to do, I know. I beat myself up pretty badly.

You've had a lot to overcome, a lot of scars. Now you will need to find other ways to sooth yourself besides getting high and eating. Have you looked into counseling or some kind of group therapy?

You are strong, you can do this. Look how far you have come already!
All I can say is GOOD JOB!
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Old 08-11-2017, 07:52 PM   #25 (permalink)
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'But deep inside I knew something wasn't right. But I was able to push those thoughts away and dismiss them quickly, with the help of another toke. It's hard to accept that I tricked myself intentionally to protect my habit, to stay in my bubble of "almost reality".'

Well, you seem to be thinking pretty clearly to me. I think a lot of self analysis is a good thing to do early on. You sound very intelligent with a good head on your shoulders.
That AV is a nasty thing. It spins a web of lies just to continue with the substance abuse. But once it is recognized, it can be fought.
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Old 08-11-2017, 08:29 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Thanks for explaining shutterbug

when I read your story I think about how inspirational it is - you're climbing out of a deep hole, back to the surface, back to feeling the sun on your face, back to being you.

I lost over 3 decades of my life to weed and drink,. but the last ten years sober have been more important to me. I've done so much in the last decade and, as loathsome as addiction is, it brought me to this place, and this point in my life - and it's not a bad place to be.

We can't forget the past or its lessons, but I hope you'll stop feeling disappointed in yourself

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Old 08-12-2017, 04:41 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Thank you both so much. Your support means a lot to me
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Old 08-13-2017, 10:43 AM   #28 (permalink)
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How are you doing today, Shutterbug?
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Old 08-13-2017, 08:23 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Hi lynnmarie

I spoke with my therapist yesterday and it seems she thinks I need some more time off of work. I'm really thankful to have her in my life. She is protecting me from myself in a way, because I was ready to push myself into going back before I am ready. I have a tendency to neglect my deep needs, without noticing.

I felt pretty anxious when I woke up today, took me about three hours to get calm. I don't know why, but the surreal/brain fog feeling seems to be more intense in the mornings. I've read so many variations online about how long it takes people to get totally out of the "fog". For some people it takes months, I hope thats not the case with me, for others it takes a few weeks. I felt really clear on Friday night into Saturday afternoon, but then I felt foggy again until this evening. It's strange that it comes and goes. I don't really understand that.

I also have been dreaming again, for the first time in YEARS. I'm actually pretty happy about this because I used to be fascinated by dreams. My dreams have all been pretty negative, but I think my mind is going through a major clean out.

I realize that a lot of the symptoms I am having are withdrawal, but I also have ptsd and anxiety that I was self medicating. I had some kind of a trauma freakout that was unleashed by getting really high. Although, I've been super high before, so not sure why this happened now. I'll have to find that out in therapy. I actually hid my weed smoking from my therapist for about two years, but I finally told her after the freakout. I was protecting my habit from her, I didn't want to give it up, so I concealed it.

I threw away some old pipes yesterday and refrigerated my stash. I hid it way in the back of a drawer in the fridge. I figured I will keep it for when my friend comes from out of town, and let him smoke it. Although, I can't seem to part with my bong or vape. I buried them in a closet, so I can't see them. I just don't feel ready for that yet. It feels SO HUGE to get rid of them. In some ways I wish they were completely gone, but I feel such dread when I think of not having access if I ever wanted it again, like for a special occasion or something. Strangely, I haven't really been having cravings, I think because I was so freaked out for days, that it is unappealing. But it makes me feel so sad when I think of never getting stoned again, at the same time I'm terrified of ever feeling like this again. This must be the AV you mentioned, talking...because I realize how nuts this sounds.
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Old 08-14-2017, 12:03 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Listen to that deep down inner feeling and not the sneaky av in the brain. We know deep in our hearts that sober is the way, but it sure ain't the easy way. In the long run is where it pays!
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Old 08-14-2017, 08:39 AM   #31 (permalink)
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For the longest time I kept that door open. I kept paraphernalia "just in case". It only led to repeated relapses. That door is shut now, thankfully, with no regrets. It's a very liberating feeling.
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Old 08-15-2017, 03:30 PM   #32 (permalink)
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16 days today!!! Unimaginable just a month ago.

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Old 08-15-2017, 05:17 PM   #33 (permalink)
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That is fantastic! Good for you!
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Old 08-15-2017, 06:21 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Awesome shutterbug - congrats

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Old 08-17-2017, 05:27 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Here Come The Cravings!

Ok, so the strong cravings suddenly kicked in. I had mini cravings over the past few weeks. But I notice, now that I am feeling better in general, the cravings are stronger. What's that about?

I'm just distracting myself, waiting them out, and reminding myself about how bad i've been feeling because of MJ.

I don't actually want to smoke AT ALL, but I think my body hasn't caught up with my mind because it feels like a physical sensation.
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Old 08-17-2017, 05:35 PM   #36 (permalink)
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I found after I felt better cravings increased too - my inner addict used to love to argue if I felt so good so soon, how much could a little weed have been hurting me?

(answer: when I forced myself to look back over 30 years, a lot....)

Don't listen. You're on the right road

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Old 08-17-2017, 06:46 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Yes, I definitely need to stay focused on the long term and all of the benefits I am already seeing in just a few weeks. Taking a long look back when i'm feeling uncertain is a strategy I will certainly be using, thank you!

I am eating significantly less food, and feel totally satiated. I just don't need as much food because I am not munching out all the time. I am down a few pounds on the scale too, which is awesome compared to watching it crawl in the other direction. My chest pains have gone away mostly, and now I can control them with breathing techniques. I feel more in control in general and so much calmer. I started drawing again, and dreaming! All the money I will save…All good reasons to keep going.

Looking forward.
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Old Yesterday, 10:08 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Sounds like the benefits are greatly outweighing the bad. Keep focusing on the good stuff.
Do you keep a journal? I have found doing so very useful. It's great to go back and read the early entries when you're craving or feeling stalled.
And keep posting here. Even if you don't post, I find daily check-ins keeps me accountable.
Keep it up, you're doing great!
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Old Today, 03:03 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Ok, so I'm going to an MA meeting.

Well, two of them. I found two which are equidistant from my place and I'm going to try them both and see which one I feel comfortable with.

My therapist recommended this today. I was scared and resistant at first, but after talking with her I am actually in a way looking forward to it. Maybe I'll even make some new friends. I still feel nervous but I am going to push through that.

lynnmarie, I've been keeping a dream journal now that I am dreaming again, but I used to really like journaling and I think I will give that a try. The thought has crossed my mind this past few weeks, but I was afraid of what might come out. Writing it out is a really powerful experience.
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Old Today, 03:50 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Just wanted to offer encouragement, Shutterbug. I always feel much better when I leave a meeting. I know the nervous feeling. When I was younger I definitely remember driving to meetings, sitting in the parking lot watching people go in, then leaving cause I was too nervous.
I NEVER regretted going to one. Not once. Since MA is not nearly as common as AA/NA, there's a good chance that you'll see the same group of people at both! It's a great way to make new friends/contacts who will support you.
Take care! Let us know how it goes.
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