Self awareness is a ****** thing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Self awareness is a ****** thing.
So....
I am a 21 yr old female from Australia, Perth.
I have been a heavy, heavy, heavy full time smoker (50 bag or more a day) for about 3 years until it started to affect me that much that I was becoming abusive and physically violent to my family, friends and anyone who had the balls to try and take me on... or just even some nice old lady that has just rubbed me up the wrong way... I had a serious anger issue when I was without weed, and it was no one else's fault but my own.
My family took me to psychologists, therapys and even stopped selling me the weed. None of it worked until I was self aware of my actions and how I was truly ruining My family. I became self aware when I was so far gone I couldn't help myself and I couldn't hold down friendships or even speak to my mum and dad as they were just disgusted that I was their daughter and couldn't physically speak to me out of disghust..
Anyways....
A few years prior to my weed addiction I was serverly addicted to pills... to the point where I was taking ecstasy pills to go to work.. or school. I don't blame anyone for forcing me to take these drugs, but I was certainly influenced by my older sibling as she first got me into them and started buying me them even during the week for binges. This seriously destroyed my serotonin levels and it has also serverly affected my memory.
I have never been able to find or feel happiness since my pill addiction - this is no exaggeration. I have been diagnosed with flatline emotions and have destroyed my serotonin and dopemine levels... I'm not sure if that's a forever damage, or just temporary.... but ive been waiting for it to return for years.... so I'm starting to think it will never return. Not without prescription drugs or just straight out drugs.
The reason I turned to weed was to cope with my self, my lack of self worth and to help me deal with the constant low moods that never seemed to fade or become high moods for a substantial time. I would get little bursts and I still do of about 30-1minute of extreme euphoria and feeling so up then it just dissipates to the point of no return in an instant. This causes me to crash hard and causes me to become serverly anxious and depressed.
So, I said I smoked heavily for 3 years constantly, everyday, all day. It was then towards the end of the 3rd year that I had lost every bit of love and empathy in me that I decided after trying a billion ways to quit that I was enternally ready to let go of being trapped in my own mind and body through addiction. I then booked a session with a hypnotist which I was extremely wary of as I was a big skeptic... but the thing was... I was ready to just let go and let an external source save my from my own destructive self.
(First step to recovery.. do not do what I did and get high before you go... just for your last time, because that means deep deep down, your not 100% ready to let go of the grips of maryjane).
Once I came out of the hypnosis I felt this wave of extreme euphoria that I haven't felt in a long time that actually stayed... I guess some of you could say I felt happy through my own self and not through drugs for the first time in what felt like decades. I couldn't be believe the way I was feeling when I snapped out of it... I know people are skeptic of hypnotists but the way they do things is by creating a new thought pathways that lead to other areas instead of drugs and addiction. I wouldn't reccomend hypnosis until your completely ready and self aware as it is both you and the hypnotist that need to be 100% ready for change and open to creating new pathways and train of thoughts.
Once I came out of the hypnosis and went home, I decided to throw everything out, I decided to tell my parents that I was in the wrong and I'm extremely thankful for them putting up with my self destructive ways for nearly 4 years at that point. It was a struggle but the hypnosis really eased the withdrawals as I didn't really get hot flashes or sleepless nights like I usually would. This really helped me in the beggining as it made the transition more smooth and less abrupt which could cause any sane person to return to their vices.
Before I knew it... almost a year had past or over a year... I'm not too sure as I was taking it a day at a time just as a precaution in case I relapsed.
The past few months have been extremely difficult for me and my family as both my parents have had major surgery and have been out for work for over a year each which has impacted our finances. I am also out of work as I'm currently in school. This has taken a toll on me as i feel mentally and physically trapped inside my house all day, every day as we just don't have the finances to keep ourselves occupied or entertained.... or to even leave as petrol is so expensive in Australia. It's usually around $1.30-40 a litre. $20 will only get me to tafe and back for the week which is a priority right now, so at least I'm prioritising, but my mental and physical health is struggling big time.
In the pst few months I have become a full time smoker again and I'm already addicted again full time... I just find it extremely hard to stay sober when your finances are in shambles... which is a catch 22 as I'm too broke to even afford to smoke, but I still do which makes me even more poor and depressed.
I also struggle with the daily fear of death. I have server panick attacks the moment I wake up and start vomiting due to myself overthinking and causing myself to be mentally sick.
I'm trapped in my own prison. I just can't be happy without weed, but I don't want to be a slave to addiction either...
does anyone have a similar story or would like to share theirs... or does anyone have any tips...
WILL MY HAPPINESS EVER RETURN?
Can I ever be a normal functioning human ever again?
Does anyone have any thought on St Johns Wort?
Forever suffering inside and out.
My anger has slowly started to return. I will be the death fin my own sanity.
I am a 21 yr old female from Australia, Perth.
I have been a heavy, heavy, heavy full time smoker (50 bag or more a day) for about 3 years until it started to affect me that much that I was becoming abusive and physically violent to my family, friends and anyone who had the balls to try and take me on... or just even some nice old lady that has just rubbed me up the wrong way... I had a serious anger issue when I was without weed, and it was no one else's fault but my own.
My family took me to psychologists, therapys and even stopped selling me the weed. None of it worked until I was self aware of my actions and how I was truly ruining My family. I became self aware when I was so far gone I couldn't help myself and I couldn't hold down friendships or even speak to my mum and dad as they were just disgusted that I was their daughter and couldn't physically speak to me out of disghust..
Anyways....
A few years prior to my weed addiction I was serverly addicted to pills... to the point where I was taking ecstasy pills to go to work.. or school. I don't blame anyone for forcing me to take these drugs, but I was certainly influenced by my older sibling as she first got me into them and started buying me them even during the week for binges. This seriously destroyed my serotonin levels and it has also serverly affected my memory.
I have never been able to find or feel happiness since my pill addiction - this is no exaggeration. I have been diagnosed with flatline emotions and have destroyed my serotonin and dopemine levels... I'm not sure if that's a forever damage, or just temporary.... but ive been waiting for it to return for years.... so I'm starting to think it will never return. Not without prescription drugs or just straight out drugs.
The reason I turned to weed was to cope with my self, my lack of self worth and to help me deal with the constant low moods that never seemed to fade or become high moods for a substantial time. I would get little bursts and I still do of about 30-1minute of extreme euphoria and feeling so up then it just dissipates to the point of no return in an instant. This causes me to crash hard and causes me to become serverly anxious and depressed.
So, I said I smoked heavily for 3 years constantly, everyday, all day. It was then towards the end of the 3rd year that I had lost every bit of love and empathy in me that I decided after trying a billion ways to quit that I was enternally ready to let go of being trapped in my own mind and body through addiction. I then booked a session with a hypnotist which I was extremely wary of as I was a big skeptic... but the thing was... I was ready to just let go and let an external source save my from my own destructive self.
(First step to recovery.. do not do what I did and get high before you go... just for your last time, because that means deep deep down, your not 100% ready to let go of the grips of maryjane).
Once I came out of the hypnosis I felt this wave of extreme euphoria that I haven't felt in a long time that actually stayed... I guess some of you could say I felt happy through my own self and not through drugs for the first time in what felt like decades. I couldn't be believe the way I was feeling when I snapped out of it... I know people are skeptic of hypnotists but the way they do things is by creating a new thought pathways that lead to other areas instead of drugs and addiction. I wouldn't reccomend hypnosis until your completely ready and self aware as it is both you and the hypnotist that need to be 100% ready for change and open to creating new pathways and train of thoughts.
Once I came out of the hypnosis and went home, I decided to throw everything out, I decided to tell my parents that I was in the wrong and I'm extremely thankful for them putting up with my self destructive ways for nearly 4 years at that point. It was a struggle but the hypnosis really eased the withdrawals as I didn't really get hot flashes or sleepless nights like I usually would. This really helped me in the beggining as it made the transition more smooth and less abrupt which could cause any sane person to return to their vices.
Before I knew it... almost a year had past or over a year... I'm not too sure as I was taking it a day at a time just as a precaution in case I relapsed.
The past few months have been extremely difficult for me and my family as both my parents have had major surgery and have been out for work for over a year each which has impacted our finances. I am also out of work as I'm currently in school. This has taken a toll on me as i feel mentally and physically trapped inside my house all day, every day as we just don't have the finances to keep ourselves occupied or entertained.... or to even leave as petrol is so expensive in Australia. It's usually around $1.30-40 a litre. $20 will only get me to tafe and back for the week which is a priority right now, so at least I'm prioritising, but my mental and physical health is struggling big time.
In the pst few months I have become a full time smoker again and I'm already addicted again full time... I just find it extremely hard to stay sober when your finances are in shambles... which is a catch 22 as I'm too broke to even afford to smoke, but I still do which makes me even more poor and depressed.
I also struggle with the daily fear of death. I have server panick attacks the moment I wake up and start vomiting due to myself overthinking and causing myself to be mentally sick.
I'm trapped in my own prison. I just can't be happy without weed, but I don't want to be a slave to addiction either...
does anyone have a similar story or would like to share theirs... or does anyone have any tips...
WILL MY HAPPINESS EVER RETURN?
Can I ever be a normal functioning human ever again?
Does anyone have any thought on St Johns Wort?
Forever suffering inside and out.
My anger has slowly started to return. I will be the death fin my own sanity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,670
Hi Doi and welcome. The side effects of addiction are well documented.
The financial merry go round. Using because of stress of financial difficulties, go figure. There are many, many narratives at SR that could help you. It begins- to be 'normal' means making informed decisions- with a plan, support and hard work. I could not do it by myself with strength of will.
Support to you.
The financial merry go round. Using because of stress of financial difficulties, go figure. There are many, many narratives at SR that could help you. It begins- to be 'normal' means making informed decisions- with a plan, support and hard work. I could not do it by myself with strength of will.
Support to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome Doidoi14 
I smoked for 30 years, almost of all of that daily.
When I quit I wasn't sure I'd ever feel anything again.
It felt like an eternity but actually it took me about three months away for everything - drugs and alcohol - to really start to feel ok again and to experience things like Hope and Joy.
That process has continued too
I've been clean and sober for ten years now and I'm happier than I've ever been as an adult.
The fear of death is pretty common for addicts too, but you might find, like a lot of us, that things are not as bad as you fear?
I can only recommend that you think about trying to see somebody if your health anxiety is really debilitating - I'm not sure how many bulk billing Drs or counselors there are in WA but it's probably worth a bit of a Google if finances are tight.
The support here really helped me too - I hope you'll find the same.
Change and peace are really possible
D
I smoked for 30 years, almost of all of that daily.
When I quit I wasn't sure I'd ever feel anything again.
It felt like an eternity but actually it took me about three months away for everything - drugs and alcohol - to really start to feel ok again and to experience things like Hope and Joy.
That process has continued too
I've been clean and sober for ten years now and I'm happier than I've ever been as an adult.
The fear of death is pretty common for addicts too, but you might find, like a lot of us, that things are not as bad as you fear?
I can only recommend that you think about trying to see somebody if your health anxiety is really debilitating - I'm not sure how many bulk billing Drs or counselors there are in WA but it's probably worth a bit of a Google if finances are tight.
The support here really helped me too - I hope you'll find the same.
Change and peace are really possible
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Hello and thank you P.J
Thanks... I wish I could go get help but most places I've tried to get support need payment or because I'm now 21 I'm no longer classified as a teen so there are now even more limited places. Especially even more limited because I can't travel ATM... I've just started aroma therapy and meditation to cool down.
My career is serverly being ruined due to the lack of control at times.
It's just hard to look back at yourself and realise how much you've really destroyed yourself through your own decisions.
Tough to accept I supposed.
Thank you again,
Kind regards - Doi
Thanks... I wish I could go get help but most places I've tried to get support need payment or because I'm now 21 I'm no longer classified as a teen so there are now even more limited places. Especially even more limited because I can't travel ATM... I've just started aroma therapy and meditation to cool down.
My career is serverly being ruined due to the lack of control at times.
It's just hard to look back at yourself and realise how much you've really destroyed yourself through your own decisions.
Tough to accept I supposed.
Thank you again,
Kind regards - Doi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 4
Hey dee....
Wow... that's so wicked. I'm glad you've finally found a place where you can be happy and can finally feel again... I aspire to be you one day.
Step by step...
Thanks a lot guys, thanks for the swift replays too. I was really having a tough time before.
I might go see the doctor today, I've finally started to calm my nervousness down a little. I really hope I don't grow up in the way to the doctors.
Wow... that's so wicked. I'm glad you've finally found a place where you can be happy and can finally feel again... I aspire to be you one day.
Step by step...
Thanks a lot guys, thanks for the swift replays too. I was really having a tough time before.
I might go see the doctor today, I've finally started to calm my nervousness down a little. I really hope I don't grow up in the way to the doctors.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
Sobriety can help us heal but it takes time and other good habits like nutrition, exercise, hard work, hobbies etc.. My new daughter, family, hobbies give me glimpses of true happiness. It's hard because the brain heals slowly but I do believe that it does.
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